What to do about the father --COURT UPDATE #90 - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Can you stay in the Texas house-with-the-backyard (I think that's where you said you were now)?

Going back to Virginia would mean living with your parents again?
For a few days, yeah. but not long term. My friend and her 5yo dd are sharing a twin bed so that ds and I can share the other twin bed in their bedroom. It's doable, but crowded. They have 10 other people in the house besides ds and I.


They are moer than happy to be a support system and help me to find a place here in TX, but they can't help me financially, and they can't offer a palce long term.

Going back to VA would mean living with my parents. I could see myself staying there for a few days, or a week, but no longer than that. each time I have stayed there, it has become so unbearable that i find myself making bad decisions to get away from them. So I don't think that would be a wise choice.

If i stay in tX, I'm worried that i will not have the willpower to stay away from the baby's father. in case you couldn't tell I have no self-esteem and a million other issues and in my moments of weakness I could see myself going back to him just for the sake of a warm body to sleep with.

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#62 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 06:27 PM
 
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In Virginia, did you get the charges against you dropped? When do you have to go back to court?

Just take each issue as it comes, write all the problems down and know that you'll deal with them.

Maybe write down the issues here and get other mothers to brainstorm with you.
Oh, GOOD idea!

Besides the harassment charge against you in Virginia (I think that's where), do you have to go back to (Pennsylvania I think?) at some point for the divorce hearing? Or visitations with your husband for your son?

Are you getting public aid? If so, do they care if you move?

Is the Texas hospital still giving you free OB care? Can you get similar care in GA or VA or PA?

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#63 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 06:29 PM
 
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If i stay in tX, I'm worried that i will not have the willpower to stay away from the baby's father. in case you couldn't tell I have no self-esteem and a million other issues and in my moments of weakness I could see myself going back to him just for the sake of a warm body to sleep with.
Does your church/temple (not sure what Jehovah's Witnesses call their place of worship, sorry) help? You were getting strength there before, right? Can you find a church/temple near you now?

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#64 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Was your refund in the form of a check? Are your parents planning to cash that check for themselves? That's illegal.

In Virginia, did you get the charges against you dropped? When do you have to go back to court?

Just take each issue as it comes, write all the problems down and know that you'll deal with them.

Maybe write down the issues here and get other mothers to brainstorm with you.
my dad did my taxes for me using turbotax. he usually helps me with them every year but this year he just did them himself without me there. i owed him about $200 so he wanted to do the taxes so that he could get the money that i owed him. He had all the money direct deposited into HIS bank account. I don't know why. Like i said I wasn't there so I had no control over any of this. Now instead of giving me all the money, they are making me call and explain what i need money for,a nd then they divy it out as they see fit.

The harrassment charge against me was in PA. I had no money to travel there and i missed the court date. I am trying to get it rescheduled before they issue a warrant against me.

The other issues are:

I have no insurance so I can't get prenatal care. For all I know I could have lost the pregnancy and not even realized it.

I have no access to my money.

I'm still married and need to get a divorce before i start showing and my problems are compounded

There is probably more but that is what comes to mind off the top of my head.

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#65 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 07:06 PM
 
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Is it possible for you to seek out some social services in your area? Go Division of Family Services office and ask for a caseworker to be appointed to you who can help you sort some of this out.
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#66 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 07:07 PM
 
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my dad did my taxes for me using turbotax. he usually helps me with them every year but this year he just did them himself without me there. i owed him about $200 so he wanted to do the taxes so that he could get the money that i owed him. He had all the money direct deposited into HIS bank account. I don't know why. Like i said I wasn't there so I had no control over any of this. Now instead of giving me all the money, they are making me call and explain what i need money for,a nd then they divy it out as they see fit.

The harrassment charge against me was in PA. I had no money to travel there and i missed the court date. I am trying to get it rescheduled before they issue a warrant against me.

The other issues are:

I have no insurance so I can't get prenatal care. For all I know I could have lost the pregnancy and not even realized it.

I have no access to my money.

I'm still married and need to get a divorce before i start showing and my problems are compounded

There is probably more but that is what comes to mind off the top of my head.
Ok, I see two issues. The fact that you have no money and that you might get a warrant out for you soon. Have you talked to the DA?

You do need a divorce, but it's not an emergency. Has the divorce started? Are you waiting for a court date or any finalization? Do you need to start from square one there? Even if you're showing during the divorce, that's ok. It'll suck, but it's ok.

How to get money is your main issue right now. Do your parents knowt that you're pregnant? Can you tell them that you need money for a dr. appt for your son and use that for a bus/train ticket to Georgia? Have you looked into what public assistance you can get in Texas? Can you get a daycare subsidy so that you can get a job. Which state has more benefits available. Where can you most likely find a job?

Try to get a little of your money from your dad, but assume that that money is no longer yours. There's no sense in driving yourself crazy over it when you can't control this situation right now. Ask for it all and if you don't get it, assume that you won't get any and move on. Consider it payment for an education.

For prenatal care, have you been to your local health clinic? That's a start and then you have some time before you need prenatal healthcare.

Wow, it is a jumbled mess with lots of if ands or butts. Start with the warrant, then look at where you can most likely stay for a few months and get settled. That's the place where you need to apply for assistance and look for a job. After you have that taken care of, you can tackle the divorce.

If you get it rescheduled, that will help you draw a timeline.

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#67 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 07:10 PM
 
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Is it possible for you to seek out some social services in your area? Go Division of Family Services office and ask for a caseworker to be appointed to you who can help you sort some of this out.
That's a great idea as well. They might be able to help you with the assualt charges and/or rescheduling.

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#68 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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The harrassment charge against me was in PA. I had no money to travel there and i missed the court date. I am trying to get it rescheduled before they issue a warrant against me.
Before you do ANYTHING, GO ANYWHERE you need to call the courts in PA and find out for certain if there is a warrant for your arrest! In many jurisdictions, warrants are issued when you are a no-show for court. By that, I mean, if you don't show when your name is called from the docket, a warrant for your arrest is immediately issued.
If you are picked up on an out of state warrant, can you post bond? Do you know what will happen to your son if you are arrested? I can tell you he will not be sitting in the jail cell, slung in your Moby wrap, nursing happily from your breast. While you are cooling your heels in lock-up, waiting for a hearing or for someone to post your bond, he is likely going to be in foster care.
Seriously, Waiting, you need to get a move on and get some of these issues sorted out. I have a feeling none of this is going to bode well for you keeping custody of your son if you don't get some IMMEDIATE plan in place that yo can actually accomplish.
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#69 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 08:45 PM
 
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The question about the dads name on the birth certificate and notification of the dad (or not) is waaaay premature. The baby is 7-8 months away. You can talk this over in counseling and plan what will be best/safest for the baby. If you leave the birth certificate blank, it will be very costly for the bio-dad to find you and prove paternity with a DNA test. This may be the safest alternative.

Right now you need personal safety, prenatal care, and counseling. (and maybe some legal help?) Since your parents are not nice to you or helpful, a domestic violence shelter could be a good choice. They can help you with a plan for longer term housing, counseling and employment. You will do good to get away from Texas and the parolee there - as quickly as possible.
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#70 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 10:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I got the place in Georgia!

it is a 2 bdr, 2 bath duplex with a nice sized yard and a laundry room. it's only $545 a month. My friend in Georgia is a real estate agent and was able to work out something where even though I'm not working, I will let my dad keep most of my income tax refund as 'collateral" so to speak and in turn he will cosign the lease to enable me to get it at taht price and with a reasonable deposit. All of this money of course is still in my parents' possession, but they 9well my dad at least) are willing to help me with this.

I don't have a problem working with my dad, really he has never been the issue. He is pretty reasonable. It's my mom who tends to be unpredictable/controlling. i told my dad that this could only work if he keeps the money where my mom won't spend it. Unfortunately i just don't trust her to keep her word about it. So I am extremely grateful that my dad is sticking his neck out for me in spite of my mom. I know it's not easy for him to do that.

My friend also told me about a mental health clinic in Augusta (GA) that her family uses. She is going to give me the information when i get there so that I can start seeing a therapist. When I say I cannot WAIT to get into therapy, I cannot WAIT. Before I have a complete mental breakdown.

I can't leave for another week probably because I have to buy my plane ticket 7 days in advance for the cheaper fares. So while I'm here I'm going to try and find someplace that will see me for free so that I can get another ultrasound and have my HcG levels checked. I was supposed to have it done today....it really needs to be done.

And, finally, when I get to georgia, I will apply for everything i can. like food stamps, Medicaid, TANF and so forth. My only concern is that when I apply for assistance, they will ask for the names of the fathers. They already have stbx's name, but I guess for the other one i can just do as my friend suggested and call it a one night stand and leave it at that. Will they deny me aid if i *can't* name the father? I mean, what if i had been raped or something? I just don't want them going after stbx for child support for TWO kids, as that will tip him off that I'm pregnant, and that could affect my custody and everything else. So on that I'm not sure what to do. I guess it just depends on what kind of caseworker I get. Some are decent, some are not.

So that's where I am right now.

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#71 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 10:36 PM
 
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My only concern is that when I apply for assistance, they will ask for the names of the fathers. They already have stbx's name, but I guess for the other one i can just do as my friend suggested and call it a one night stand and leave it at that.
No, you can't do that because that is unethical and I think illegal. The form for aid, where they ask you who the father is, will ask you under penalty of losing your aid - at least for five years, possibly forever - and being prosecuted if they find out you lied. And you would be lying, because you DO know his full name and he WASN'T a one-night stand or rape.

Do the right thing. He is ENTITLED to be a parent to his child.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#72 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No, you can't do that because that is unethical and I think illegal. The form for aid, where they ask you who the father is, will ask you under penalty of losing your aid - at least for five years, possibly forever - and being prosecuted if they find out you lied. And you would be lying, because you DO know his full name and he WASN'T a one-night stand or rape.

Do the right thing. He is ENTITLED to be a parent to his child.
I'm afraid to involve him in my life. I don't know where it might lead to, and based on his behaviors that caused me to post about him before, it's not likely to get better. i mean, it's possible that he's a great parent just waiting for his chance. And he did TRY with ds. But he was....too forceful, not respecting ds' personal space. Physically removing ds' mouth from my breast is a HUGE HUGE invasion of my space, especially after having been forced to have sex while breastfeeding my ds (by his dad), it just sits wrong with me.

I know you feel sure that the right thing is to include him, and honestly every day I am tempted to pick up the phone and call him and say, "sorry fpor changing my number, i'll call you for the next Dr. appt." but then another part of me says that's just palying with fire. and having never experienced this with ds1, I have no idea how visitation would work across states with a newborn. Do I really want to take that chance? I feel like it's wrong to involve him and move so far away. i feel like if I'm going to involve him I should stay here so he could be an active part of the bay's lfie. I am SO torn.

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#73 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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I'm afraid to involve him in my life. I don't know where it might lead to, and based on his behaviors that caused me to post about him before, it's not likely to get better. i mean, it's possible that he's a great parent just waiting for his chance. And he did TRY with ds. But he was....too forceful, not respecting ds' personal space. Physically removing ds' mouth from my breast is a HUGE HUGE invasion of my space, especially after having been forced to have sex while breastfeeding my ds (by his dad), it just sits wrong with me.

I know you feel sure that the right thing is to include him, and honestly every day I am tempted to pick up the phone and call him and say, "sorry fpor changing my number, i'll call you for the next Dr. appt." but then another part of me says that's just palying with fire. and having never experienced this with ds1, I have no idea how visitation would work across states with a newborn. Do I really want to take that chance? I feel like it's wrong to involve him and move so far away. i feel like if I'm going to involve him I should stay here so he could be an active part of the bay's lfie. I am SO torn.
I'm so glad you found a place. I've been stressing about that all day. Don't worry about the father right now, just get yourself together. It doens't matter if you don't have an hcg or an ultrasound right away. You can wait awhile for that. Just get your place and get that possible warrant taken care of.

Honestly, if you're in Georgia, I don't think it'll do harm to name the guy. He's homeless, right? He's on probation and can't leave the state? He's not going to track you down in Georgia. You can name him and the state can try to find him, but shared custody is probably not going to happen either way.

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#74 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 10:55 PM
 
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I don't see any difference between these two scenarios:

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I would hope no-one will ever say to me that since I couldn't keep a marriage together (because they assume I'm hopeless), that I shouldn't be a mother. It has certainly been said on many, many occasions of many women. The suggestion that was made to the OP, which was removed from the thread (obviously I'm not the only one who sees it this way) was very judgmental and no help at all.
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Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy
based on his behaviors that caused me to post about him before, it's not likely to get better. i mean, it's possible that he's a great parent just waiting for his chance. And he did TRY with ds. But he was....too forceful, not respecting ds' personal space. Physically removing ds' mouth from my breast is a HUGE HUGE invasion of my space.
Imperfect people - both female waiting2bemommy, and her male boyfriend - are equally entitled to be parents and know their child.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#75 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 11:02 PM
 
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Sorry that my predicament has "disheartened' you. If you feel that way imagine how it feels to be living it. nowhere in here have I NOT taken responsibility for having sex with him, nor did I claim that keeping my new baby is what makes me an attached parent. It just means i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :

Obviously, if I was not striving to be a better parent, i wouldn't bother coming here in the first place. and honestly, after some of the responses I've gotten, maybe I shouldn't have.

i am well, well, WELL aware of the mistakes that I've made. Believe me when i say that everywhere I look it is thrown back in my face. the worst part is to look at my son's face every day and see what I am NOT able to give him. That part hurts more than 1,000 judgements on an online message board. I am regularly told what a f-up I am by my "support system" IRL. to say you feel sorry for my ds really stings.
I know my word were harsh but I spoke how I honestly feel. While I still do not agree with you I do believe it is better to offer solutions.... You said "i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :" well then you need prenatal care, you need to ensure you do not already have a warrant because in the courts where I live that is automatic for a no show in many cases, you need to stop blaming and protecting others get on assistance so you can have an income and insurance for this child -- be honest about who the father is and is not because it is all going to come out.

Think about where you can stay on a temp basis. It does not sound like you should rent a place of your own because you have no job, correct? So maybe stay with your friends or family until you have a job and can pay the rent without worry. You say your family won't let you work, go to school etc. well then sit them down tell them you need a "chance" so you can offer your child(ren) a stable life. Ask for 6-12 months to prove to them you can handle it (and know you REALLY can if you put your mind to it).

Get your divorce finalized and I would suggest some couch time to help you heal..... healing can be a very empowering thing.

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#76 of 131 Old 05-11-2009, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know my word were harsh but I spoke how I honestly feel. While I still do not agree with you I do believe it is better to offer solutions.... You said "i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :" well then you need prenatal care, you need to ensure you do not already have a warrant because in the courts where I live that is automatic for a no show in many cases, you need to stop blaming and protecting others get on assistance so you can have an income and insurance for this child -- be honest about who the father is and is not because it is all going to come out.

Think about where you can stay on a temp basis. It does not sound like you should rent a place of your own because you have no job, correct? So maybe stay with your friends or family until you have a job and can pay the rent without worry. You say your family won't let you work, go to school etc. well then sit them down tell them you need a "chance" so you can offer your child(ren) a stable life. Ask for 6-12 months to prove to them you can handle it (and know you REALLY can if you put your mind to it).

Get your divorce finalized and I would suggest some couch time to help you heal..... healing can be a very empowering thing.
Did you not read my update? I have found a place to stay and will be getting counseling as well. i have sat my family down many, many, many times to tell them i need a "chance." My mother DOES NOT CARE what I say. i'm not blaming her, but I'm trying to get across that living with her would NEVER ahve imporoves ym situation. perhaps you have never lived with someone who is controlling. I have gone from one abusive situation to another my entire life.

I need the freedom to live alone, not with friends, or family, or whoever, but truly on my own. only by making it on my own will i be able to feel empowered...believe me, i went the route of "accepting help" with my first dc and it did not go well.

I am not sure what it is we dont' agree on, unless you think that i should not be having this baby. in which case we have to agree to disagree.

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#77 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 01:14 AM
 
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I know my word were harsh but I spoke how I honestly feel. While I still do not agree with you I do believe it is better to offer solutions.... You said "i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :" well then you need prenatal care...
I beg your pardon? At this point in a pregnancy, prenatal "care" pretty much consists of "are you taking a prenatal vitamin? Good - see you in a month". She has higher priorities than that right now...like actually looking out for herself. Doctors/midwives can't do anything for her at this phase, except maybe nutrition counselling.

As for who the father is, does that even need to come up yet? I actually agree with Seasons here. The OP needs to divulge that, and the fact that she's afraid to involve him in her life is irrelevant. It's too late to not involve him in her life, because she's pregnant with his baby.

OP: I have no idea what I'd do in your shoes, except what you're doing right now - find a place to live on your own. Good luck!

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#78 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 02:17 AM
 
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i read this entire thread (well most of it, i skipped over the parts where people are nit-picking other people's comments) -- OP, from the title of your thread and your admittedly confused state of choas, it's pretty clear that "what to do about the father" is NOT your central concern at this point in time. yes, it *is* a concern, but it should only be in the back of your mind at this point.

as others have pointed out, and you yourself noted by stating that it's conceivable to not know about the pregnancy at this point, and that for all you know it may have been lost already and you just don't know yet -- yes, your pregnancy you should treat as a "wait and see" situation. you have no idea if it will make it to fruition. lots of people in stable situations wait 12 weeks to tell their families and friends they are pregnant, or tell the boss at work. at minimum, give it the first trimester to see if it even lasts, before you start stressing about the complications it causes to your personal life.

if you can take anything constructive out of this thread, i would suggest that you start by refocusing your priorities. needs versus wants. need to clear that warrant for your situation of a court date you missed. need to initiate your divorce proceedings. need to focus on yourself through counseling to see why you make poor choices/have low self esteem *so you can stop making mistakes*;

only then, *want* to reach a point of resolution with baby #2's father (these things have a way of working themselves out - if you give it some time. don't need to get all worked up about it at this point. please clear up the needs now, and see where the situation leads in the next few months re: the homeless guy who fathered your second child.)

above all, though, is to start respecting *yourself*. meditate on what this means.

truly, if you can change your self, it will change your life.

and you are the only one who can do that for you. good luck!

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#79 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 02:34 AM
 
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i read this entire thread (well most of it, i skipped over the parts where people are nit-picking other people's comments) -- OP, from the title of your thread and your admittedly confused state of choas, it's pretty clear that "what to do about the father" is NOT your central concern at this point in time. yes, it *is* a concern, but it should only be in the back of your mind at this point.

as others have pointed out, and you yourself noted by stating that it's conceivable to not know about the pregnancy at this point, and that for all you know it may have been lost already and you just don't know yet -- yes, your pregnancy you should treat as a "wait and see" situation. you have no idea if it will make it to fruition. lots of people in stable situations wait 12 weeks to tell their families and friends they are pregnant, or tell the boss at work. at minimum, give it the first trimester to see if it even lasts, before you start stressing about the complications it causes to your personal life.

if you can take anything constructive out of this thread, i would suggest that you start by refocusing your priorities. needs versus wants. need to clear that warrant for your situation of a court date you missed. need to initiate your divorce proceedings. need to focus on yourself through counseling to see why you make poor choices/have low self esteem *so you can stop making mistakes*;

only then, *want* to reach a point of resolution with baby #2's father (these things have a way of working themselves out - if you give it some time. don't need to get all worked up about it at this point. please clear up the needs now, and see where the situation leads in the next few months re: the homeless guy who fathered your second child.)

above all, though, is to start respecting *yourself*. meditate on what this means.

truly, if you can change your self, it will change your life.

and you are the only one who can do that for you. good luck!
Beautiful post!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#80 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 08:44 AM
 
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OP: It sounds like you are in a very difficult place right now. I am sorry you have gotten so many harsh judgemental responses. When I read your posts it sounds like you are genuinely doing your very best to work through this in a responsible way. You already know your weak spots and you have done well in avoiding being a victim to them (such as avoiding going back to the homeless father of the baby you are carrying even though you were tempted)
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. Just wanted to send you some warm thoughts - sounds like you need that more than anything else right now. Its so unbelievable hard to do everything on your own, but you are doing it.

I do think you should play the game by the rules - so if they ask you to name the father - do it. YOu will only create more problems by lieing. But ONLY do the required things - dont do anything to contact the father unless required by law - but make sure he has a way to contact you (if required by law) - for instance via e-mail. Make it as difficult as possible within the legal system for him to pursue his parental rights. IF he really is a great parent with a genuine interest in his baby, he will go to lengths to ensure visitation etc - and if not - well he wont bother. Do play by the book! If you start telling stories you will set your self up for trouble later. Hugs and thoughts.

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#81 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 08:48 AM
 
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I agree with Seie that you have had some nasty comments here and there but also lots of great advice. I just wanted to add that I too can see that you are trying to learn from old mistakes and do what is best.

I agree with Seasons - you have to name the father for ethical reasons.
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#82 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 10:42 AM
 
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The father's relationship is with a BABY... not with a pregnant belly. So you have no reason to be in contact with him until after the baby is born. Since he is stuck in TX due to parole, leaving the state is a great idea.

Waiting 2 be a mommy, you have 7 months to take care of yourself and figure out what to do. GA is a great place to start.
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#83 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 11:21 AM
 
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The father's relationship is with a BABY... not with a pregnant belly. So you have no reason to be in contact with him until after the baby is born. Since he is stuck in TX due to parole, leaving the state is a great idea.

Waiting 2 be a mommy, you have 7 months to take care of yourself and figure out what to do. GA is a great place to start.
Yeah, GA sounds like a very good offer and getting your own place to stay would be the best start. I also agree that you should do things in the right order and you have plenty of time to get in touch with the dad. First things first. However, waiting until the birth is a little long IMHO. I would contact him when you are settled in GA in 3-4 months to give him the most basic info.
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#84 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 01:17 PM
 
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you have plenty of time to get in touch with the dad. First things first. However, waiting until the birth is a little long IMHO. I would contact him when you are settled in GA in 3-4 months to give him the most basic info.
Agreed. However,

1) If she applies for public aid soon, as she says she might, then that agency will ask her if she is pregnant, and if so who the father is. I think most (all?) of us agree that she has to tell the truth, there. Telling the agency is a separate, and earlier, decision than telling the father directly.

2) If she moves to GA she needs to tell her husband (the father of her 18mo son) where she is, because her husband has visitation rights with his son and I think OP is required to keep the court/husband informed of her current address at all times.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#85 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 03:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Agreed. However,

2) If she moves to GA she needs to tell her husband (the father of her 18mo son) where she is, because her husband has visitation rights with his son and I think OP is required to keep the court/husband informed of her current address at all times.
After his father threatened to kidnap my son? I don't think so. He doesn't even have my current phone number and I like it that way. If he wants to have visitation, he has my parents' home phone number. He can call them and they will contact me, and then I will call him back from an unlisted number.

After the abuse that he put me through, I do not beleive he ahs the right to to have any information on my whereabouts. As far as I'm concerned, if he wants to see ds, he can still have visitation as mandated in the court order

(reasonable visitation -reasonable being left up to my discretion- with 72 hour's notice, supervised by me, in the state of VA).

I will happily take a bus back to VA from GA (it's only about 8 hours) and let him see ds at my parents' house or in a public place. He doesn't need to know that we don't actually live there.

At some point, regardless of what "the system" says, I have to use some common sense. This is the man that raped me in front of my son and invited his friends to watch/listen. He can sing a good song in court but I KNOW the truth. If he gave a flying rat's a** about his son A) he woul.d have actually USED his visitation rights and B) he wouldn't have put me in the position where I had to leav him and go to a shelter. Remember, I , quit my job and WENT BACK to him and LIVED with him so taht he could have 24/7 access to ds and a chance at a "real" relationship with him, which he claimed he wanted.


The jig is up for him. He just disgusts me.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#86 of 131 Old 05-12-2009, 03:39 PM
 
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After his father threatened to kidnap my son? I don't think so. He doesn't even have my current phone number and I like it that way. If he wants to have visitation, he has my parents' home phone number. He can call them and they will contact me, and then I will call him back from an unlisted number.

After the abuse that he put me through, I do not beleive he ahs the right to to have any information on my whereabouts. As far as I'm concerned, if he wants to see ds, he can still have visitation as mandated in the court order

(reasonable visitation -reasonable being left up to my discretion- with 72 hour's notice, supervised by me, in the state of VA).

I will happily take a bus back to VA from GA (it's only about 8 hours) and let him see ds at my parents' house or in a public place. He doesn't need to know that we don't actually live there.

At some point, regardless of what "the system" says, I have to use some common sense. This is the man that raped me in front of my son and invited his friends to watch/listen. He can sing a good song in court but I KNOW the truth. If he gave a flying rat's a** about his son A) he woul.d have actually USED his visitation rights and B) he wouldn't have put me in the position where I had to leav him and go to a shelter. Remember, I , quit my job and WENT BACK to him and LIVED with him so taht he could have 24/7 access to ds and a chance at a "real" relationship with him, which he claimed he wanted.


The jig is up for him. He just disgusts me.
Absolutely - he should never know where you live! And I'm so sorry about the rape. Happened to me too when I was 14. I hope you'll get peace and space to heal.
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#87 of 131 Old 05-13-2009, 12:42 AM
 
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Waiting, I'm so glad to see some of this getting sorted out. I can remember how I felt during each of my pregnancies- like everything had to be fixed up and running smoothly RIGHT NOW. You're doing a great job- you're motivated and focused- in seven months everything will have fallen into place. Keep us updated re:the court thing. I agree that's the priority, now that you're waiting to get to your new place. Also, I want to encourage you to just give them the most basic, truthful information about dc #2's dad. Don't make up any stories that you might have to answer for later! Food, medical, counseling and child care assistance so you can work take priority when you get to GA. Babydad #2 is not likely to break down the gates on his way to make you and ds his priority at this point! If he does some day, good for him.

keep us updated!

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#88 of 131 Old 05-13-2009, 05:54 AM
 
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I just wanted to add that most welfare/assistance doesn't ask for a father until the baby is born and requiring their own assistance payment/insurance/whatever. Child support can't even be ordered until the child is born...so you've got a ways on this.

Get your legal stuff straight ASAP. I'm much more concerned about your legal status than the pregnancy right now.

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#89 of 131 Old 05-13-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that most welfare/assistance doesn't ask for a father until the baby is born and requiring their own assistance payment/insurance/whatever. Child support can't even be ordered until the child is born...so you've got a ways on this.

Get your legal stuff straight ASAP. I'm much more concerned about your legal status than the pregnancy right now.

I completely agree with this! If you are picked up on an out-of-state warrant, the results can be devestating for you and especially for your son. It will add a whole new element to the custody situation that I am not sure you understand or are prepared to deal with.
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#90 of 131 Old 05-13-2009, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I got in touch with PA courts. Turns out they never even held court that day....theyissued a continuacne and claim they notified me. I never got it, but given that I've been moving so much, it's possible they really did mail it, so I'm not arguing. So....it's good that there is no warrant out or anythign like that.

The abd part? Court is tomorrow at 3 PM. And I'm all the way in TX. I found a flight out of here for $240, but ym parents have all my money so it's up to them whether they think I should go or not. If i don't go, i am automatically found guilty and have to pay the fine within 3o days, and THEN they put out a warrant if I don't pay.

I did NOT beat my husband up. I don't want a charge of harrassment on my record!!!

I am waiting now....my mother and father have to "conference" about me and decide whether they are going to let me have the money to book the flight. They will call back and let me know what they decide. Gah.

QWhy is it that my life is always in someone else's hands?

update: my mom just called back. Without me knowing she used all the money in the bank account to put down a deposit and fees on the place I'm moving to in GA. That is fine, but i wish she would have at least ASKED me first. I'm so sick of being treated like an incompetent child. My father signed the lease (co signed as promised) but my name is not even ON the lease. They have not faxed me any paperwork. My mother and our famiyl friend in GA have taken this over too. Our friend doesn'te ven return my phone calls but just talks to my mtoher who then relays what she wants me to know to me.

So basically all my money is gone. There isn't even any money for a plane ticket back to VA to pick up my furniture before going to GA.

Why, oh why, is everyone in my life making decisions FOR me without even consulting me on them?

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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