What to do about the father --COURT UPDATE #90 - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 131 Old 05-18-2009, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what? no, he had no phone so i used his friend's phone. I am staying with people he has never even met.

Theoretica, i really, really truly understand your POV. I really do. And i get that I have made bad choices that probably confound my mother. the situation confounds ME sometimes.....the difference is that I do not believe my mother wants me to be indepednent. you probably want your daughter to get her life together, get a good job, get a place, take care of her kids.

My mom has said, point blank, that she wants me in her house. She is not so much itnerested in helping me be self-suffcicient as she is in making sure I do things HER WAY.

I also understand the posters who say I need to just break off from my parents 100% I agree. But when I read those threads I feel like crying, because each time I have tried to become independent of them, I have ended up giving in to their pressure and going back to them. In a lot of ways my relationship with my mother is like my relationship with my husband. i bounced back and forth between my mother and my husband for two years trying to figure out which was less miserable. I never had enough money to get out on my own.

I'm not saying that this is their fault or that my mother will keep me down forever. But whe you have been enmeshed with someone's controlling behavior, especially someone you love, and the choice is being homeless or living with that person and giving up all independence, it can be very difficut to break away without completely disappearing. I am trying, i am. But it will take time.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#122 of 131 Old 05-18-2009, 08:28 PM
 
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The "friend" of your baby's father isn't the person who owns the "friend's" house you're staying in now, in Texas, is it? If we're still talking about that baby's father being the ex-con homeless guy you stayed with in the Texas motel, well, you only knew HIM three weeks - do you really think staying with his friend (whom you've known even less time) is a good idea?
OMG, I really hope it is not his friend.
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#123 of 131 Old 05-18-2009, 10:23 PM
 
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btbarbara, please read the whole thread before making comments like that. you aren't helping the op.
I've read the entire thread now and to be honest, my comment was not nearly as harsh as some others. After reading the whole thing, my advice has not changed. The OP says that she wants to do what's best for her children so it's time walk the walk. She's made some lousy choices. Everybody has (no, I'm not saying all single mothers chose the wrong partners, but every human being has made some bad decisions at some point in their lives). Now it's time for her to admit the role she's played in all of this (which she does sometimes sound like she's trying to do, but she's not quite there yet) and start over...by changing the only person she has any control over and that's herself.

She needs to take a good hard look at the past few years, maybe even farther back than that, and how she's gotten where she is. Sometimes crappy things happen to good people. Sometimes we are victims of circumstances. But we have to play the hand we're dealt and make the best of our situation. Personally, I have been the victim of some pretty horrendous actions by others. But when I really step away and try to look at my life objectively, I see that sometimes I responded to those situations better than other times. Sometimes I took a bad situation and made it better but sometimes I took the bad situation and made it even worse. If the OP really looks at her life and the choices she's made, how she responded to other people's choices, etc., then she'll see how she's gotten to the point where she is today and what responsibility she has in all this. The point of this exercise is not to beat herself and make herself feel bad about herself. The point is two-fold. 1) She needs to know the mistakes she's made so that she can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. As long as everything's out of her control, then there's really nothing she can do to turn things around and make sure she's not repeating the same patterns. 2) She's depressed right now. She's feeling overwhelmed and beaten down by everyone around her. Maybe by acknowledging the role that she's played in all of these events, she can realize that she's really not helpless. For me, it was a huge relief to be able to look back and say "Yes, I made a lousy choice but it was my choice and I was in control. I'm still in control and have the power to make it better." Right now she feels like she has no control over her own life. Things are happening to her. People are doing things to her. Maybe by accepting that she was in control of the situation, even if she screwed that up, then she can realize that she has the ability to choose better now and make things right.

Now, I'm not one to sugarcoat things so I'm going to be brutally honest. OP, you're in a mess right now. You can turn your life around and I believe that you want to. It is not going to be easy though. You need to decide that from this moment forward, you are going to be honest with yourself and everyone around you and you are going to take responsibility for your own life.
* Your stbx sounds like a real piece of work. I'm sorry that you have to deal with him, but the court says that you do. He has a right to see and speak to his son. You said that if he wants to get in touch with you, he can call your mother. You've also said that you know your mother lied to you about the other father calling. So for all you know, he has been calling daily trying to speak to your son. Maybe not, but you have no way of knowing. What are you going to do if you get to court and he shows the judge phone records proving that he has tried to contact his son? Telling the judge that your mother didn't give you the message is not going to win you any favor.

You need to give your stbx some way to contact you directly. It can be an e-mail that you set up solely for that purpose and check it once a week or a prepaid phone but you need to have proof that you've done your part by letting him know how to contact you if he wants to. If the temporary custody order says that you're supposed to let him and the court know where you're living, then you need to address that. If you're afraid for your safety by telling him where you live, explain it to the judge. The more deceptive you are, the worse it looks for you in the long run. If he truly doesn't care about his son, then it won't bother him one bit to tell the court that you're keeping the baby away from him and ask for custody just to spite you. Judges are beginning to come down on women they suspect of parental alienation and there have been a few cases lately where children have been given to the fathers because the mothers were hiding them, even though the mothers swore they were afraid for their lives. You need to make sure that you do everything exactly by the book so that there's no way he can accuse you of any wrongdoing.

* As for the father of the unborn baby, as others have said, he's not really a concern until the baby is born but he does have a right to be involved with his child. You do not need to lie on the birth certificate or the public assistance applications. Remember, you're starting fresh and playing by the rules. If you lie to keep him away from the baby, it will come back to bite you later. Give him enough rope to hang himself so to speak. Do document any interactions you have with him just in case you need that in the future.

* You said you've got the place in GA so that's done. Before you move, you need to do some soul searching and think about your friends there. Are they the kind of friends you want in your new life, or are they the kind of friends from your old life? Are they the kind of friends who are going to support and encourage you in making the changes you need to make going forward?

* Once you get to GA, your top priority needs to be finding a job (right up there with getting that mess in PA resolved) so that you are not relying on your friends or your parents or public assistance. You want to build the kind of life that's going to make it impossible for anyone to question your devotion and judgment as a mother. Someone mentioned earlier that you were once active in the church. You may want to consider reaching out to a local church. They might be able to help you get on your feet, help with childcare, etc. If worse comes to worst, they may be able to vouch for you and testify that you are turning your life around. You also need to get yourself into counseling ASAP. Hopefully a good family counselor can point you in the direction of some resources to help you work out all the other mess.

Good luck.
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#124 of 131 Old 05-18-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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He tracked her down....i did nto tell him that she was mediating all contact between us.
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As it stand right now, I just changed my number, so he wouldn't be able to call me if he wanted to. he has my mother's home number, and if he wanted to contact me he could call her and ask for my number. husband ds's dad
---------------------------
The baby's father does not have my new number. I have his friend's phone number so i can contact him when i'm ready.
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He also expects me to go to VA, not GA, so he would be looking for me in the wrong place anyway. .
okay, here's the problem right here. you are letting your mother be the intermediary in your relationships. you are leaving your baby's daddies NO OTHER CHOICE!!! but to call your controlling mother.

and then you complain about how she loves to start drama and control you.

don't give her the chance, you need to take care of your own business rather than ignore it and let your mother get involved.

i hear you that she is not good for you and that it would be worse to involve her. i'm really sorry that you have very few places to turn for help right now.

but, you can make the decision to grow up and deal with your stuff or you can pass your business along to your mother. it's your choice and your responsibility.

:: mama. you CAN do it!!! you have to for your children. i'll be thinking of you and hoping you find the help you need.

eh. who needs a signature?
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#125 of 131 Old 05-18-2009, 10:54 PM
 
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Wow, btbarbara, impressive advice. I'll second the advice about church (I'm not christian myself, but OP has said she's a devout Jehovah's Witness and that going to temple helped her before) and controlling her depression (getting back on her meds; yes, there are some safe to use while pregnant). Also, she needs prenatal care for the new pregnancy.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#126 of 131 Old 05-20-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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I disagree with whomever said that prenatal care isn't important. She had unprotected sex with a former recent prison inmate.

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The present study shows that the prison population had prevalence rates that were substantially higher for latent TB, HIV/AIDS, and hepatitis C than those reported for the general population and some incarcerated populations.
If she is infected with one of these or something else, not only is her unborn baby at risk without treatment, her nursing toddler may also be at substantial risk. If anything, she needs to be seen and tested for STD's as soon as possible. There are free clinics where this testing is available in nearly every major city.

As for the rest, I am learning towards thinking that her mother and father are acting in her best interest by not giving her access to large amounts of cash when she's clearly been shown in the very recent past to make incredibly bad and dangerous decisions with her life and the life of her born child.

Waiting2bmommy, have you had a history of drug use/abuse in the past?

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#127 of 131 Old 05-20-2009, 10:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I disagree with whomever said that prenatal care isn't important. She had unprotected sex with a former recent prison inmate.



If she is infected with one of these or something else, not only is her unborn baby at risk without treatment, her nursing toddler may also be at substantial risk. If anything, she needs to be seen and tested for STD's as soon as possible. There are free clinics where this testing is available in nearly every major city.

As for the rest, I am learning towards thinking that her mother and father are acting in her best interest by not giving her access to large amounts of cash when she's clearly been shown in the very recent past to make incredibly bad and dangerous decisions with her life and the life of her born child.

Waiting2bmommy, have you had a history of drug use/abuse in the past?
So you are saying that it is morally and ethically OK for them to ILLEGALLY withold my money from me? It's ok to steal, as long as you think you're doing the right thing with that money that isn't yours? :

And no, I am not a drug abuser.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#128 of 131 Old 05-20-2009, 11:34 PM
 
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So you are saying that it is morally and ethically OK for them to ILLEGALLY withold my money from me? It's ok to steal, as long as you think you're doing the right thing with that money that isn't yours? :

And no, I am not a drug abuser.
I'm confused. Earlier you said:

Well, I got the place in Georgia!

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it is a 2 bdr, 2 bath duplex with a nice sized yard and a laundry room. it's only $545 a month. My friend in Georgia is a real estate agent and was able to work out something where even though I'm not working, I will let my dad keep most of my income tax refund as 'collateral" so to speak and in turn he will cosign the lease to enable me to get it at taht price and with a reasonable deposit. All of this money of course is still in my parents' possession, but they 9well my dad at least) are willing to help me with this.
and

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update: my mom just called back. Without me knowing she used all the money in the bank account to put down a deposit and fees on the place I'm moving to in GA. That is fine, but i wish she would have at least ASKED me first. I'm so sick of being treated like an incompetent child. My father signed the lease (co signed as promised) but my name is not even ON the lease. They have not faxed me any paperwork. My mother and our famiyl friend in GA have taken this over too. Our friend doesn'te ven return my phone calls but just talks to my mtoher who then relays what she wants me to know to me.

So basically all my money is gone. There isn't even any money for a plane ticket back to VA to pick up my furniture before going to GA.

Why, oh why, is everyone in my life making decisions FOR me without even consulting me on them?


How are they illegally withholding your money from you when you asked them to help you get an apartment in Georgia and then they used your money to cover the deposit and rent needed? if it is all gone then nothing is being withheld.
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#129 of 131 Old 05-21-2009, 01:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, it's so confusing that I guess it wouldn't make any sense. My dad filed my taxes incorrectly. i am actually owed another 3,000 dollars. That is the money that they are holding. I understand keeping some of the money as collateral as I mentioned, but they are keeping it all when it comes. It was already arranged by my dad that it would go straight into their bank account.

Either way, my point is that they were still wrong for having the money deposited into their account in the first place. That was illegal. If I had had the money I would have handled getting the place myself. But since they had the money, they had the control so I had to ask them to help me get the place.

The fact that they "relented" to cosign does not excuse having all of my money sent to them, nor does it excuse my mom being dishonest with me about a number of things.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#130 of 131 Old 05-21-2009, 03:19 AM
 
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Well, I`m not a single mama, nor do I know how these legal proceedings go. but...I`m having the hardest time understand how all this "who`s fault is what" is helping the OP.

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#131 of 131 Old 05-21-2009, 07:33 PM
 
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Like Katica, I am not a single parent, but I saw this thread at work and couldn't post then, so I'm posting now. With my two cents...

1. People aren't be judgmental when they advise you to get STD testing done. You had some very risky, unprotected sex. This is no different than advising a woman with a strong family history of breast cancer to get a mammogram. That's not being judgmental, that is evaluating the situation, accessing the risk, and making a good decision. You should not stick your head in the sand about this, STDs won't go away because you don't know about them. Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Show yourself and your babies that you are all worth it. STD testing is free and confidential. There are NO DOWNSIDES to being tested and thousands of benefits to being tested.

2. You need to consult an attorney ASAP. You will be legally precluded from filing an appeal after a rather short period of time. Additionally, if you file an appeal expect to show up to it. If you file an appeal, and then cannot make the court date, it will not matter, you will still be guilty and your costs will go up maybe considerably. Also, I am guessing that the harassment charge was filed in your husband's jurisdiction. He will get notice of the appeal and a summons to appear, so you will have to see him again. Finally, as he will have notice of the appeal, he would be able to serve any process on you he would wish to (ie visitation, emergency custody, etc). These are all things you need to consider sooner rather than later.

3. Your exboyfriend (most recent) cannot move for four years to "wait out" his parole. As soon as he leaves the area he will be in violation of the terms of his parole. He will be a parole absconder and warrants will be issued. When he is found he will be subject to a parole revocation and will possibly (depending on the state) have to spend all his back time in jail. I know that you are not in contact with him most likely, but his plan to avoid parole by moving away for four years is a poor plan that will not end with success.

Good luck to you as you face your situation. If you "grab the bull by the horns" I'm sure you will land on your feet and be able to provide the upbringing you desire to your children.

Kristin , married to DH , mama to DS 8/4/09 and EDD 6/24/11
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