Background: H and I were doing ok, but not fabulous, when I found out I was pregnant last November. I was excited, he was adamant that he did not, would not have another child, and gave me an ultimatum to terminate or he was seeking a divorce. I struggled for weeks to make a decision, and finally terminated because I thought that was best at the time for my two kids. It's been a very difficult six months since, and our marriage is hanging on by a thread. I waited/hoped that after the termination he would figure out how to be understanding, supportive, regretful, remorseful, etc, but he let me down in so many ways. He had also promised he'd finally get a vasectomy and then refused. And to top it off, because I would not have intercourse with him until he got a V, he told me I wasn't "meeting his needs" and needed to look elsewhere to get them met. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me.
So, I was feeling pretty much done, and just waiting until the time felt right to start the process of separation (meanwhile putting some money aside, etc). I have also started this process of figuring out who I am now, and where I am going with my life, and have reconnected with old friends along the way. One of those friends was an ex-bf who was actually my first love. He lives far away, so it's only been on email that we've connected, but this week he made it very clear to me that he still has feelings for me and would be interested in a relationship in the future if things didn't work out in my marriage. The problem is, I think I still have feelings for him too.
So here's where the reality check is needed! It's crazy to even think about someone else right now, right? I know that the whole process of separation and divorce will be long and painful, and I won't be in any condition to be involved with someone else. But I think this ex represents other possibilities in the future for me. Just to make matters more confusing, H has suddenly had some kind of a turn-around and has been very different the past few weeks. He scheduled his vasectomy for next week, he's been very loving and understanding, and he's even started to make amends with my family (his relationship with my family went down the tubes when I was pg). He finally asked me the other night- something I was hoping and waiting for months ago- what I needed from him in regards to making peace with the abortion. He seems to be finally getting with the program, but I'm not sure if it's too little too late.
Thank you for reading all of this, and I welcome any feedback/suggestions/btdt, etc.
Give yourself time to sit with all of it. H changing his tune now doesn't mean you have to forgive him for how he's been behaving. And vice-versa; the fact that he acted like a UAV and is only now starting to get with the program doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive him, if that is what feels right to you.
You need to give yourself permission to take as much time as you need, feel all your feelings, explore all your options, maybe even try them out, sit with it all some more...
And if H can't/won't wait or respect your space to do that, well then, there's your answer. As to ex-bf, same thing. He can be a respectful, supportive friend, but needs to respect your time line.
Hang in there, and go easy on yourself!
Tell your ex-bf "I can't communicate or even think about this until after I am fully divorced." A well-grounded guy will accept this, heck, will even suggest it - he will NOT want to be your rebound man, or even to flirt with a married woman.
as for your dh making a sudden turn around . . .i wouldn't put a lot of stock in the short term. I mean the man gave you an ultimatum about having an abortion and wouldn't get snipped? seriously . . .do you think your mariage can recover from his coercing you into an abortion? thats a pretty big thing. . . .and will this change last? what are your goals? if you really want to save your marriage then you need to not get sucked into a relationship with someone else but just sit still a while and see where this is going with your husband.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
I'm not at all saying it would turn out the same for you. I'm just giving you one cautionary tale. It's generally really better to deal with your currently relationship before going on to another one, especially one you already laid to rest.
Thanks again, everyone.
Glenn 11*09 Joe 4*04 Me & Hubby