Potential future love interest? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 12:58 PM - Thread Starter
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Just wanted to find out if anyone has been in a similar position, or maybe I just need a reality check! My brain is so muddled right now, I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Background: H and I were doing ok, but not fabulous, when I found out I was pregnant last November. I was excited, he was adamant that he did not, would not have another child, and gave me an ultimatum to terminate or he was seeking a divorce. I struggled for weeks to make a decision, and finally terminated because I thought that was best at the time for my two kids. It's been a very difficult six months since, and our marriage is hanging on by a thread. I waited/hoped that after the termination he would figure out how to be understanding, supportive, regretful, remorseful, etc, but he let me down in so many ways. He had also promised he'd finally get a vasectomy and then refused. And to top it off, because I would not have intercourse with him until he got a V, he told me I wasn't "meeting his needs" and needed to look elsewhere to get them met. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

So, I was feeling pretty much done, and just waiting until the time felt right to start the process of separation (meanwhile putting some money aside, etc). I have also started this process of figuring out who I am now, and where I am going with my life, and have reconnected with old friends along the way. One of those friends was an ex-bf who was actually my first love. He lives far away, so it's only been on email that we've connected, but this week he made it very clear to me that he still has feelings for me and would be interested in a relationship in the future if things didn't work out in my marriage. The problem is, I think I still have feelings for him too.

So here's where the reality check is needed! It's crazy to even think about someone else right now, right? I know that the whole process of separation and divorce will be long and painful, and I won't be in any condition to be involved with someone else. But I think this ex represents other possibilities in the future for me. Just to make matters more confusing, H has suddenly had some kind of a turn-around and has been very different the past few weeks. He scheduled his vasectomy for next week, he's been very loving and understanding, and he's even started to make amends with my family (his relationship with my family went down the tubes when I was pg). He finally asked me the other night- something I was hoping and waiting for months ago- what I needed from him in regards to making peace with the abortion. He seems to be finally getting with the program, but I'm not sure if it's too little too late.

Thank you for reading all of this, and I welcome any feedback/suggestions/btdt, etc.
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#2 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 02:56 PM
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No quick answers here.

Give yourself time to sit with all of it. H changing his tune now doesn't mean you have to forgive him for how he's been behaving. And vice-versa; the fact that he acted like a UAV and is only now starting to get with the program doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive him, if that is what feels right to you.

You need to give yourself permission to take as much time as you need, feel all your feelings, explore all your options, maybe even try them out, sit with it all some more...

And if H can't/won't wait or respect your space to do that, well then, there's your answer. As to ex-bf, same thing. He can be a respectful, supportive friend, but needs to respect your time line.

Hang in there, and go easy on yourself!
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#3 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by bananabug View Post
It's crazy to even think about someone else right now, right?
I'm not going to use the word "crazy," but yes, it is a bad idea to even think about a new love interest until you are fully divorced and have been for at least a year. (Experts say at least this; some suggest a formula like "fully divorced for 1/3 the length of your marriage.") Many newly-divorced or soon-to-be divorced people reject such expert advice, and that's why there's such a high rate of divorce for subsequent marriages.

Tell your ex-bf "I can't communicate or even think about this until after I am fully divorced." A well-grounded guy will accept this, heck, will even suggest it - he will NOT want to be your rebound man, or even to flirt with a married woman.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#4 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 04:09 PM
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Again I wouldn't call it crazy, but then again maybe I would Don't do it. You really need to take some time to figure out where your stand after your marriage ends. However, I do understand how easy it would be to get involved with someone and be distracted.

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#5 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 08:52 PM
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now really isn't the best time to be thinking about a new love interest. you want to be able to decide weather or not your marriage is over based on what you have not what some other guy might be offering.

as for your dh making a sudden turn around . . .i wouldn't put a lot of stock in the short term. I mean the man gave you an ultimatum about having an abortion and wouldn't get snipped? seriously . . .do you think your mariage can recover from his coercing you into an abortion? thats a pretty big thing. . . .and will this change last? what are your goals? if you really want to save your marriage then you need to not get sucked into a relationship with someone else but just sit still a while and see where this is going with your husband.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 8 Old 05-13-2009, 10:09 PM
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I got together with my first love while divorcing my XH. It was a complete disaster that I still have deep, deep wounds from. I was not at all ready to be in that relationship, and we had so much unfinished business from when we actually dated. It was terribly painful. It allowed me to temporarily not deal with my feelings I had about my marriage/divorce, and then when first love and I didn't work out, I had to deal with all of those feelings on top of each other. It nearly destroyed me. I still want to be with first love (and I left HIM), which I think goes to show how screwed up my emotions are surrounding the whole experience.

I'm not at all saying it would turn out the same for you. I'm just giving you one cautionary tale. It's generally really better to deal with your currently relationship before going on to another one, especially one you already laid to rest.

:yawning 33yo first-time solo mama to DD born 11/21/09
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#7 of 8 Old 05-17-2009, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for your responses. I'm feeling a little more clear-headed, and have no plans to pursue a new relationship anytime soon. I didn't really have any plans to do so, just needed a reality check about the thoughts going on in my head. I think this other person represents other future possibilities for me (even if not with him in particular), and I think it's good to have a reminder that I don't have to settle for what I have out of fear that I won't find love again. I'm still not sure what is going to happen with my marriage. H continues in this new loving, supportive phase, and my plan to make the break seems to have been diverted. But I don't really trust that things will stay in a good place, just need to ride it out for now. While I 'wait and see' I'm going to keep doing things for myself, and be direct and open to H about how I'm feeling. I decided to take a trip in June for 5 days by myself- I think space is good right now, and H is supportive of that.

Thanks again, everyone.
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#8 of 8 Old 05-17-2009, 11:18 AM
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I'll tell you what I told my sister I said... Maybe this person came into your life because they were/are supposed to show you what real love and respect is about. Also they could be the one who you share a life with happily and blissfully. Do not look at it like you will live happily ever after because if you are you will no matter what life brings but look at him like okay he treats me like this that and the other and my partner treats me like that this and the other what do I want and deserve. My sister figured out that she wants what the other guy gives she left her H and now a few months later she is happy witht he other guy he waited for her until she was ready he respects her and this is the happiest she has ever been BUT she did not rush or make him the reason she left just they way he acted and talked to her she realized she wanted to be treated that way and if it was him wonderful if not then it would be someone else

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