~June Dating Thread~ Single Ladies!!! (put a ring on it) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 275 Old 05-31-2009, 08:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If he liked it then he would have put a ring on it...... Forgive me for my ironic and bittersweet nonsense. Some of you may have read my drama yesterday at the tail end of the May thread about last autumn's *big love* who has moved on with a new girlfriend due to inability to make a LDR work (or move to this country) and I'm trying to make light of the whole thing and remember that the dude was just not that into me or something. If he liked it then he woulda put a ring on it, in the words of Beyonce, right?


This month I'd like to revisit sugarmoon's muses from last month:

Quote:
I think of it as my metaphorical toybox.....I read some article where the author was talking about how as a kid, she used to dump her whole toy box out at the feet of a visiting friend, as if to say "see how much cool stuff I have? Like me! Like me!"....

So, I think I have a tendency to just throw everything about myself out there, pretty early on when meeting new people. Maybe some of it is driven by the "Like me! Like me!" impulse, but I think for me, it is more that I think the "hard" stuff is interesting to talk about, and I'm not a particularly private person, so there's not too much I don't mind sharing, when the conversation bends that way.

But, when it comes to dating, I think it has on a few occasions made me seem to "forward" or "easy" or something. Maybe even indimidating? I don't know.
Bolding mine. That part so well sums up my personality, meeting new people in general, in a nut-shell. It scares men away in droves. Ya'll remember Ken Doll? Even though he couldn't keep his eyes off my bod, he sure didn't want such a long abusive-marriage-custody-battle story over sushi. I shoulda held back and give him a chance to get interested FIRST and then learn more about the tough parts of my life.

I just can't decide if I wanna hold back too much or if perhaps cutting to the chase and eliminating the ones who can't handle me (I AM a handful, after all, it's not an act) from the get go is a great thing. Dating is all about narrowing down and eliminating, right?

Some of ya'll hold back too much, huh? It's not all me and sugarmoon just having diarrhea of the mouth and freaking the men out is it?
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#2 of 275 Old 05-31-2009, 08:46 PM
 
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Hey Butterfly, I'm sicker than all get out but I had to give you a quick hug. That just sucks, no way around it.
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#3 of 275 Old 05-31-2009, 08:58 PM
 
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I'm pretty sick too. Flu bug (or nerves???)
Having a hard time writing an e-mail to SCG. Thinking of all the worse case scenarios, thinking maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Can I show you what I have so far???

************************************************** ***********************
Firstly, I apologise for sending this to your work e-mail address (I don't have any other way to communicate with you) and for writing this in English (never heard you speak a word of English, but I assume you speak it quite well).
My leaving so quickly left a lot of things unfinished for me, and so with the miracle of e-mail I can at least have the chance to say a few things I wanted to but never did (though with the risk of multiple eyes reading what I wrote).
Even though I don't know your exact reasons for doing so, I really appreciated it when you came upstairs a week or so ago a few times to say hello to me (bother me?) in my big empty space. Helped me smile for the rest of the afternoon (even though I probably never let that show). I'll miss that.

I don't know if you remember a long conversation we had a couple of weeks ago during lunch about the woes and challenges of separating, but I remember you gave me some really good firsthand advice on my search for a place of my own. I think you were absolutely right that it's important to live close to where the kids go to school/daycare. I took your advice, and even though I'm going to be paying a bit more than I wanted, I found a place in Rosemount just two streets away from my current place (and where my ex will continue to live). In the end I am very happy to be staying in the neighbourhood, as I really have just begun to get to know my neighbours and the other parents at my older daughter's school.

A question I also wanted to ask you was if you could tell me the better places to go rollerblading in Montreal (if I remember correctly, you rollerblade quite often, right?)
I only know Parc Maisonneuve, which is nice, but now that I've been there many many times, I'd love to try something new. Any suggestions?

I know it might be pretentious to think you might answer this e-mail (it seems to me that you're not the e-mail writing type), but I would be very happy if you did.
************************************************** ***********************

Okay. Feedback? Not direct enough? Too wordy?

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#4 of 275 Old 05-31-2009, 11:52 PM
 
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So, I sent the letter. Not the exact above version, but almost. The damage is totally done.
I am : and kind of want to :

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#5 of 275 Old 05-31-2009, 11:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
If he liked it then he would have put a ring on it......
I hate that song!! And now I have it in my head. AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

I am the two extremes...I either say WAY too much the first date and send the poor guy running out the door (figuratively), or I don't say enough and am really shy/reserved. Since living in Europe for 15 years, it's usually been the second scenario (though my experience has not been that extensive since becoming single again).

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#6 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 01:28 AM
 
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So, I sent the letter. Not the exact above version, but almost. The damage is totally done.
I am : and kind of want to :
I don't usually read this thread (since I'm not dating), but I have to say I think your e-mail is great. It's friendly. It's not desperate. You've mentioned one or two specific encounters the two of you have had--shows you're paying attention & interested. You give a small update. You ask him an open-ended question. I think he'll respond!

Now, as for this over-sharing thing a couple of people have mentioned. I think it's something that might or might not work. It's all in the person on the other end, yk? Spilling everything up front would send me running for the hills, but I'm an incredibly private person.

For me...I belong to a couple of dating websites. I've made a promise to myself that for my 30th birthday I'm going to dust off my PoF account. Meantime I have one on OKCupid. I need to figure out how to overcome my innate shyness and be the first to send a message. PoF is real active, but I had a guy on there come on way too strong shortly after I joined it, so I got spooked. OKC seems to be the opposite extreme--lots of people, no one messaging anyone else. Which isn't to say that my inbox is barren, just that I refuse to respond to single-sentence overtures.

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#7 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 01:43 AM
 
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sagesgirl,

So, you mean to say you're not YET dating, right?

Thank you for the feedback on the e-mail. I feel good about it, but a little apprehensive. I just hope he doesn't show it to half the office (which would mean he is a complete a***ole and I'd forget about him quickly), and if he does respond, I don't know what the next step could be.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#8 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 06:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post
I feel good about it, but a little apprehensive. I just hope he doesn't show it to half the office (which would mean he is a complete a***ole and I'd forget about him quickly), and if he does respond, I don't know what the next step could be.
Oh he won't do that. And YES he will respond, and say hello and PROBABLY also ask you out. Unless he thinks it's too soon to your divorce and you're not ready. Otherwise for sure he will.


Sorry about the song! :
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#9 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 06:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
Hey Butterfly, I'm sicker than all get out but I had to give you a quick hug. That just sucks, no way around it.
Thanks! hugs back for a speedy recovery. And yeah, it sucks. Everything about this guy has sucked since December. Need to forget.......
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#10 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 08:54 AM
 
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Hey Butterflymom,

Sounds like you know SCG better than I do We'll see. He probably does think it's too soon...

Go out! Have fun with someone else! The best way to forget about a real di**head.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#11 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 09:09 AM
 
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I check in on the dating threads from time to time, but I'm pretty well settled into a two-year thing (though now I'm thinking why hasn't he put a ring on it?! :-( that is always our biggest problem, unfortunately)...

But I wanted to tell you all that I'm pulling for each and every one of you to find just exactly what you are looking for!

Big hugs all around!
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#12 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 10:55 AM
 
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I am an oldie to these dating threads, but I have to say that you ladies sure are active and busy!

My bf has just moved in, after over a year of togetherness, so I have upped his status from bf -> DP. It has been absolutely wonderful and ds is loving it!

"If he liked it then he should have put a ring on it..." Well, he loves it, without a doubt, but I definitely don't need or want a ring.

My beliefs about marriage have changed significantly and unless we decide to have a child together, there just seems to be no need to get married. We make the same vows and commitment to each other without having/needing to get married. Who knows, everything in life is transitory... nothing stays the same -- married or not.

Anyway... have fun, ladies, and stay true to yourself!
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#13 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 01:38 PM
 
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i'm still singing along...
if you like it then you should have put a ring on it. oh, oh, oh, oh...

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

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#14 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 02:02 PM
 
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still sick (turned out to be strep), but just got "winked" at match.com and I have to say...

what's with all the motorcycle pics???? seriously, dude, I don't think your royal blue motorcycle is hot. my 5 year old is impressed. I'm not.
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#15 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 02:59 PM
 
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Organic papaya: I am pretty sure someone is going to disagree with this suggestion - but could he come visit you in the evening after your ds is asleep? Ofcourse that would only work if you trust him to be a decent guy! That goes without saying. But since your DS has already met him? You could sit up and chat and have a glass of wine. He would obviously most likely want to sleep with you unless you had set out strick rules beforehand - I mean - if you dont want to take that step just yet..
If that is not an option maybe get in touch with other single moms in your area - could be possible to make a deal of "I watch yours if you watch mine" - A night out for a night out kwim?
Im glad you mentioned that.... he actually came up on saturday and spend some time with me and DS (yes DS has met him 3 times now). He didnt have his DS so it was me my lil one and him. We didnt have much alone time since my DS kept waking up after only a few min (plus he wasnt feeling well) I really doubt he will try to sleep with me.... hes moving quiet slow....which is fine by me.... so here is the scoop. he came over and we watched some movies. we were sitting next to each other on the couch but not like side by side so there was a little room between us. While we were watching the movie he started touching my arm, like rubbing it in a flirty type of way. He doesnt like aggressive girls, nor am I one myself and I was getting a lil nervous thinking that I had to make the next move. I didnt want to ignore it and make him think i wasnt interested or didnt like it so I gently grabbed his and and we held hands for a few minutes. He was rubbing my hand while he was holding it so I thought he liked it too. After like 3 min he gets up to use the bathroom and when he comes back he sits on a different couch and we dont hold hands at all the rest of the night. I thought I must have blown it at this point. When it was time to go I had to walk past him to get the key to open the gate for him to get out. My apartment is kinda small so I had to walk pretty close to him and when I did he put his arm around my waist and I kinda just smiled and went past him to get the key. Idk if he was trying to pull me in for a kiss or what.... it felt like just flirty playing I think.... anyway I saw him out and we hugged good night. Just when I thought Id seen the last of him he calls me about 10 min after he left saying he had a great time and that in the future we should do overnights... like him drive out on a friday and leave on a sunday.... then he said by then I would have met his parents... this guy talks a big game but he doesnt walk it. When he talks to me it feels like hes planning the wedding but when we are together he wont hold my hand for more than 3 min... whats going on?? I really like this guy and dont wanna get hurt. He usually texts me every morn and he didnt today... and he usually calls me every evening and didnt yesterday.... idk... input??


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#16 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 04:05 PM
 
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still sick (turned out to be strep), but just got "winked" at match.com and I have to say...

what's with all the motorcycle pics???? seriously, dude, I don't think your royal blue motorcycle is hot. my 5 year old is impressed. I'm not.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#17 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what's with all the motorcycle pics???? seriously, dude, I don't think your royal blue motorcycle is hot. my 5 year old is impressed. I'm not.

:

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#18 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 05:19 PM
 
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I am slammed so I will have to catch this thread up later but....... I LOVE Beyonce.

Single Ladies ~

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it oh oh oh

and to add another Beyonce mantra I am singing

Upgrade You ~

I'm known to walk alone
But I'm alone for a reason
Sending me a drink ain't appeasing
Believe me
Come harder this wont be easy
Don't doubt yourself trust me you need me
This ain't a shoulder with a chip or an ego
But what you think they all mad at me for
You need a real woman in your life
That's a good look
Taking care, home is still fly
That's a good look

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#19 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 06:10 PM
 
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I like Beyonce, but just not the ring song.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#20 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 06:26 PM
 
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Oh it's a Beyonce song! I was wondering what this title meant. I don't know her music. I keep following all of you but i personally haven't been dating, just gestating. I am due to birth this month! Still no word from this babies dad and i am just fine with that. My other ex is taking me back to court for custody though, this month of course. He doesn't know i am pregnant. He is taking me back for custody because i requested child support. He hasn't paid a penny in two years and i have sole custody. He hasn't visited them once in two years and somehow he thinks a judge will give him more then supervised at this point? The man is nuts i think. Anyhow i'm still lurking away!
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#21 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 07:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh it's a Beyonce song! I was wondering what this title meant. I don't know her music. I keep following all of you but i personally haven't been dating, just gestating. Anyhow i'm still lurking away!

and I haven't forgotten you for a second. I wish you a fabulous birth. You are such a strong woman. More than that. A hero.



organicpapayamama, I think if you've hung out three times and none of those times were earth-shattering-totally-connected-and-intune-and-completely-oh-my-god-I've-met-my-soulmate type of encounters, and he's talking parents and weekends together and so on, then of course your weird-o-meter is being set off. it's weird. I wouldn't like the two different personalities (one via text/phone, at arm's length talking big, the other one in person where it's awkward) either. How do you feel about him when you are together, in person? Your posts don't make it sound like you are just melting into a pool of infatuation on the floor when you are together. Or otherwise. Hmmmm........
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#22 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 07:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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"If he liked it then he should have put a ring on it..." Well, he loves it, without a doubt, but I definitely don't need or want a ring.

.. Who knows, everything in life is transitory... nothing stays the same -- married or not.
!

I totally get what you are saying and I agree. And your relationship sounds amazing. : Congratulations on finding such happiness.
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#23 of 275 Old 06-01-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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still sick (turned out to be strep), but just got "winked" at match.com and I have to say...

what's with all the motorcycle pics???? seriously, dude, I don't think your royal blue motorcycle is hot. my 5 year old is impressed. I'm not.
Hey, that's better than the dude who just winked at me on OKC whose profile photo is a grainy webcam pic of him in a black tank top. Which wouldn't be bad, but for the fact that I'm pretty sure I own the exact same one.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#24 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 12:28 AM
 
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Hi, all - I used to be on the Single Parents board a lot during my divorce two years ago. I don't think I've done the dating thread. And one year ago, I was contacted via Facebook (out of the blue) by a man I dated briefly before I got married. We ended up dating until this March...it was long-distance, and after promising me the moon (which I didn't ask for!) and a whole bunch of other things, he just...fizzled out. Stopped communicating. Granted, I haven't been knocking myself out to contact HIM; I just sent him one e-mail after he started his weirdness. Long story short is: He's a liar. It was always my sense that he pulled this stuff with other women...plunge into the relationship, want everything right away, then once she catches on that all his promises (of commitment and whatnot) are empty and she calls him on it, he's out of there. At least that's how it went with us. Oh, it's complicated, but you get the drift.

Sooo...because right now (I'm considering moving back to the city in the next few months) I live in a very small town, there's like, no one to meet! Just to see what would happen, I joined eHarmony for three months, but to be honest I find it so sterile and dull. I briefly was on a free dating site but the crreeeeps! Unbelievable. Well, I did go on a date with one guy. He was okay, but somehow just didn't take off, and it was RIGHT after the break-up and I sure wasn't ready.

Are there sites anyone recommends in particular?
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#25 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 01:04 AM
 
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I just can't decide if I wanna hold back too much or if perhaps cutting to the chase and eliminating the ones who can't handle me (I AM a handful, after all, it's not an act) from the get go is a great thing. Dating is all about narrowing down and eliminating, right?

Some of ya'll hold back too much, huh? It's not all me and sugarmoon just having diarrhea of the mouth and freaking the men out is it?
I'm an open person and yes that scares off most men, but it also highlights the few great ones. I do hold back on some things like certain intuitive feelings. Sometimes it's just a little nutty to completely dump on someone what my intuition is telling me when it's pretty heavy stuff. I wait till the relationship is stronger.

It's a balance I suppose.

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#26 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 02:38 AM
 
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well, I think it's time to hang things up with my Facebook flirting friend. We had some interesting conversations, had an in-person meeting that seemed to go well, and continued the flirting and chatting afterward but he hasn't called, although he has my number, and he hasn't emailed or opened a chat in nearly two weeks, although I've seen him online on FB.

I'm not one to pursue, so I'm just going to chalk this up to "no longer interested."
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#27 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 07:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not one to pursue, so I'm just going to chalk this up to "no longer interested."
Darn. Sorry to hear that. would you be able to muster up asking him for some feedback? Might help you to hear why he stopped pursuing you. I would wanna know, anyway, and might ask, "So did you meet someone else and get swept away in a passionate love affair? Or has anything in your life just taken over your time and that's why I haven't heard from you? Hope I didn't do/say anything to offend you! Just wondering why we haven't talked in the last couple of weeks." But I am a weird, straightforward, upfront type who asks things like that! I know most don't....
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#28 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 07:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Are there sites anyone recommends in particular?
PoF is really active, right? (Plenty of Fish in case you didn't know that acronym)

What about on Facebook on the Are You Interested or SpeedDate or Meet New People or Social Me applications?


You know what I wish would be the new way we all met our dates? Friends of friends (or friends, thrice removed even). Our friends who know we are single should be more proactive about advertising and scoping on our behalf, right?! THat way, when we do date someone, that person isn't likely to treat us like total crap and feel no accountability because his reputation will be somewhat on the hook and those in his social circle will find out if he doesnt' behave as a gentleman and shows lack of respect in some way.

Accountability. A real word-of-mouth reputation. That's what I am missing from the men who wanna date me. That's what's totally missing from the internet too when it comes to scoping for men. Ugh.
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#29 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 08:37 AM
 
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You know what I wish would be the new way we all met our dates? Friends of friends (or friends, thrice removed even). Our friends who know we are single should be more proactive about advertising and scoping on our behalf, right?! THat way, when we do date someone, that person isn't likely to treat us like total crap and feel no accountability because his reputation will be somewhat on the hook and those in his social circle will find out if he doesnt' behave as a gentleman and shows lack of respect in some way.

Accountability. A real word-of-mouth reputation. That's what I am missing from the men who wanna date me. That's what's totally missing from the internet too when it comes to scoping for men. Ugh.
That's how I got together with mine! We live in the same small town (he lives less than a mile away) and knew of each other through our kids activities for years. We knew each other enough to say "Hi!" when we did run into each other. He would come up to the fish fry at the church where I worked every Friday during Lent and we'd chat as I waited on him. We had many mutual friends - several of his friends have known me/my family forever. He is part of the coffee crowd that meets before work each morning to BS at the little store across the road from my house. Apparently he used to ogle me when I put my kids on the bus. One day he asked a mutual friend who works at that store if I was dating anyone, she asked me, I said no, she said he wanted to ask me out, I said I'd love that, and he called me a couple of days later. Saturday was the two year anniversary of our first date!
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#30 of 275 Old 06-02-2009, 08:51 AM
 
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I've met several through Plenty of Fish.. I have a pretty rigorous filtering system and I've actually met in person 3 men, in the last 9 mos, and am very much in love with the last one and very good friends with the other two. I have plenty that would have been "potential" meets and some online "friends" through chatting from POF. I think it's such a great resource, I'd never meet anyone otherwise.
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