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#1 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well in my time zone it's already August 3rd, so I'm not waiting anymore for someone else to start the thread. It's August, ladies!!!!!
: : : : : : : : : : : :
Let's get hoppin' on vamping up or finding some summer lovin' before the summer is totally over! : : : : : : : : : : : :


AlwaysByMySide, of COURSE there is room for one more. You are highly welcome. And I totally admire your attitude about your change in relationship status and being so positive about jumping in over here and joining us actively dating single moms! I can't wait to hear what mischeif you get up to! :


I saw the Genuine Article today. For, like, four hours. We had an amazing time. I got to see him and remember how charmingly handsome he is, and be impressed by his sweet, good nature and quick wit (laugh out loud funny!).... and we had time and privacy even to dance together. He's such an amazing dancer. We really move so well together, flowing effortlessly from one style to another, one move to the next.....like we were born to be dancing partners. Even if there's an awkward misstep, which is inevitable (we're not professionals, after all), there's no problem and no embarassment. We're so comfortable together. And at one point he made a funny remark that was so hilarious that we had to just stop, mid dance pose, and laugh really hard for awhile and wait for the giggles to subside until we continued the dance. Which was almost even more effective at creating intimacy and familiarity between us than the actual dance pose that the joke/giggles interrupted. He's so laidback and good natured that it seems sunshine just might actually be pouring forth from his eyes and smile (heck, his skin, i dunno!). What a sweet, bright guy. And an engineer. Smarty pants with a masters degree and great prospects. Two sisters and 4 neices & a nephew that he's totally close to, and he's totally open minded in terms of keeping his eyes open and not missing the boat, should the right woman come across his radar, and he'd be thrilled to settles down and get started on his own future and family life. My current children don't give him so much as a moment's pause. He insists that he can't imagine treating any step children he may have someday (should he decide to spend the rest of his life with a single mom) any differently than his own. But he is quick to add that he does feel strongly that he wants to have children of his own as well, even if he partners up with a woman who already has a brood. This works well for me, since I will probably want to have more kids at some point (I'm not yet 30, so I have time yet to worry about that in a few years if the right potential father comes into my life). We are actually the same age, born in the same season of the same year. I just enjoy his company. I was feeling kind of weepy last night because I had a run in with being rudely snubbed in public by a friend of my ex husband..... and then found a half brother I had been out of touch wtih for years via facebook (which is a good thing, but made me all the more emotional), and the G.A. talked with me on the phone and patiently encouraged me to tell everything I had on my mind, and I cried a little for a few seconds even, when explaining why I thought I might be feeling emotional, and he was so sweet and patient and helpful.

And can I just mention that in 7 days when I am dropping off my kids in their dad's city, he is going to drive two hours to pick me up and drive ME two more hours home, and then spend a few hours with me before catching some sleep at my place and then drive two hours to work the next morning? Six hours of driving in 18 hours, just to spend maybe 6-7 waking hours with me, two of them which will be driving on the freeway. and 100 dollars in gas. But it's the absolute next soonest time that I will be able to see him without my kids and he doesn't want to wait a day longer than necessary.
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#2 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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Yay! I get to play!

Butterflymom - Genuine Article sounds wonderful!!

As for me, I don't have a clever name for the boy yet (I'll have to work on that), but I was happily going on with my life, just me and my kids and content with that, not looking for anyone, not trying to be with anyone. My kids go to (and I now work at) a Parents Day Out program at a local church. The lady in charge of the babies has a granddaughter who is almost 3 who is also in the program, and I have been watching her once a week as a favor, because she and my DD are friends, and because the grandmother has been wonderful to my son, and I would count her as a friend too.

Anyway, she's been nagging me for weeks to meet her son, the granddaughter's father, because we'd get along so well, blah blah blah. And since I wasn't really looking to date anyone, I just kind of brushed it off. Well, my daughter's birthday party was last weekend, and he came at the end of it to pick up his daughter, and happened to mention that I had plants growing in my gutters. (I moved into this house a couple of months ago, and am attacking the important issues first!) So on Monday, I asked his mom for his phone number and sent him a text asking when he would be coming over to clean out my gutters - COMPLETELY KIDDING.

He showed up at my house that night. Cleaned the gutters, and left. And we spent the rest of the week talking on the phone and text messaging like crazy. Kind of hard for us to go on a date, because between the two of us we have FIVE kids (eeeek!!), that we both have full custody of, so I invited him and the kids over for our weekly movie night on Friday. He showed up with roses. We talked the whole time...it's nice to be in that stage with someone where you just have so much to say and so much you want to learn about them.

I went to a baby shower for a co-worker at the church on Saturday, and while I was there, he left more roses on my car. (And his mom was the one who told me to go look at my car, because something was on it. She's apparently been nagging HIM for weeks to meet ME.) Came over again last night, no kids this time, we talked the night away again, and I got tired of waiting and kissed him (which is totally unlike me). He's in ministry, so it's very safe to say we won't be doing much more than that anytime soon.

So, it's all of a week old, but it feels absolutely perfect. I told him that my ex was very much a taker, and I was very much a giver, and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than being treated like a princess. And here I am...being treated like a princess, which is a very foreign thing to me, but it feels really nice.

Single WAHM to 5yo DD, 2yo DS, and forever 7 week old angel DD.
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#3 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 06:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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here I am...being treated like a princess, which is a very foreign thing to me, but it feels really nice.
it sounds really wonderful!! ::::
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#4 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 07:47 PM
 
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I am glad things are going so well for both of you!

Butterflymom, it's so amazing that Genuine Article is happy to make such effort to be with you! Very romantic. (I find really practical stuff like that romantic.)

AlwaysByMySide, that is one cute "how we met" story! I am very much devoted to my church and it would be a relief to meet someone who is truly devout as well.

Nothing new going on over here. E-mail is fairly regular. Woke up yesterday morning to an e-mail with a link to a news story. Being that I blog on political issues, it was well-appreciated. (And I have not mentioned my blog, so it's another similarity not an attempt to impress me.)

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#5 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Butterflymom, it's so amazing that Genuine Article is happy to make such effort to be with you! Very romantic. (I find really practical stuff like that romantic.)
I KNOW! It's so much more meaningful when a guy pours time/effort (and, ok, money too because that's also a finite resource that all adults have to prioritize what to spend it on) and foresight/planning in your direction than if they just spur of the moment wanna hook up and never seem to remember to make any plans in advance, and you can tell it's not really on their mind, when the next time you might meet is. The sweetest part is that I know he's thinking and willing to plan 1-2 weeks ahead of time to know exactly when we will get to spend some quality time togehter, and he's willing to do two hour or even four hour chunks of driving, at a time, to spend time with me (and another two hours to get to work the next day). It's just freakin' sweet. And he's made it clear that his job hours are flexible and when he comes over on an evening he has to work the next day, they won't care if he arrives at noon so it's not the hugest hardship to leave my place at ten a.m. or anything. He seems to be gung-ho on making sure that he doesn't leave me dangling out there in single-land too often on my own, for fear that someone else will snatch me up! He hasn't said this directly but the message gets across nonetheless. I was calling him friday night from 'out on the town' and we were talking and he admitted he was totally distracted with his friends, just thinking about me, and losing poker hand after poker hand. And then when a friend whisked me out onto the dance floor and I had to drop the call and then it was too loud to talk anymore, he texted me that, "Darn! I should be the one dragging you off to the dance floor! I just hate this weekend!" (since he had previous commitments to a weekend-long-bachelor-party and we couldn't see each other until this afternoon and we missed two nights we could have spent together because of this party-in-the-forest wtih his oldest friends that he just couldn't blow off). It's just sweet that the instant I'm on my own again in one week, he is going to be right there, five minutes later, with a smile on his face to whisk me off as my chaueffer to get me home, and spend the evening making me smile. No, I don't have a crystal ball, but I just know he's going to be making me smile. :
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#6 of 231 Old 08-02-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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He sounds wonderful Butterflymom! And it sounds like you are having a great time!

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#7 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 01:08 AM
 
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AlwaysByMySide - It is wonderful to have you among us dating and sharing, welcome! I love your how we met story it seems like his mom has known for some time that you two were at least kindred spirits. Hope it continues to grow.

ButterflyMom - I am so happy for you, while I like what I read about Genuine Article I can't help but think what I like most is that this is the first man I have seen have an impact so positively on you. You deserve so much more than many men seem to offer over there Genuine Article is at least coming correct! You seems soooooo happy! Glad to see you smiling. :

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#8 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 05:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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: and some more : I am kinda flying high on this one, guys.... we talked on the phone for like an hour or two before he finally tore himself off to get 5 hours sleep before getting up for work. He is counting the hours/days until we see each other again.


HOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want details!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#9 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 07:44 AM
 
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So, I pretty much spent 27 hours straight with swimming guy. A lot of cuddling, talking, joking, and dancing.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#10 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, yeah, right. Like we're gonna let you off that easily. : Spill more details, you little minx. :
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#11 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 01:02 PM
 
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OK. Saturday afternoon I went over to his house at around 4.30pm. Dressed casual, but nice (shorter skirt and all, make-up and a dash of my perfume). We sat around talking, he made us pina coladas. They were pretty good.
He then started making dinner (shrimp, veggies, rice with a peanut sauce) and I helped. We had dinner, with candles, and it was yummy. We drank beer.
We then talked a bit more on the sofa, watched a documentary about Pierre Trudeau on CBC, then things moved over to the bed. But just conversation, kissing and talking. I suppose I was a bit nervous, as swimming guy asked me why I wasn't being affectionate. Big talk about my being nervous, blah blah. He said that maybe I'm not ready (for dancing). Went into the other room to do something, and when he came back, he said that we would dance, but that I would initiate everything.
So 5 minutes later, that's what happened. We are very compatible dancing partners.
Got to sleep finally at around 5am. Woke up at 9am because we were hungry (for food). He made me breakfast (cereal with a banana) and we then showered, talked some more. Danced some more.
Finally at around noontime, he asked me if I was hungry for lunch, and when I said yes he made us a salad with boiled egg. Yummy. He then saw that it was almost 2pm, and then asked if I wanted to spend the whole day with him. I protested that he had to work on some things for his job...but he said that I could read while he wrote. There was a thunderstorm, and I quickly went back home to make sure my windows were closed.
Returned, started reading the newspaper, and then fell asleep. I was woken up by swimming guy who also wanted to take a nap, but with me on the same bed. We were both tired, and slept for about an hour.
After waking up, he mentioned something about eating dinner, and then set about making dinner. Spaghetti with tomato sauce, and ceasar salad with croutons.
Immediately after dinner, we rushed over to the television to watch a documentary about Skylab (we are both interested in space, astronomy, etc.). Right after, I knew that I needed to let him work a bit (and I needed to go pay my rent) so I left around 8pm. Again, it was difficult to say goodbye.
I'll most likely see him this week sometime...swimming no doubt, and he insists on helping me put up my curtains at my place. It's nice to have a guy who offers to do that (exh never did that sort of thing).

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#12 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Returned, started reading the newspaper, and then fell asleep. I was woken up by swimming guy who also wanted to take a nap, but with me on the same bed. We were both tired, and slept for about an hour.
sigh. so sweet. sounds like a relaxing extended time you guys spent together. :
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#13 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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Wow, this all day date thing sounds like fun! I would just kill for a guy I can cook with, y'know? I was thinking about this yesterday, and I realized what I want, as strange as it sounds, is the romantic version of the relationship my best friend & I have (this doesn't mean I want a romantic relationship with my best friend, who is actually gay)...I want a person I can spend hours with without really noticing it because we're both having so much fun, who I can cook with, with whom it's easy to spend time because we both want to do the same thing, who I don't have to be there all. the. time. because we'll still mean the same thing to each other even after a lot of time apart. KWIM?

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#14 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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Hi, everyone! I'm Sam.
Mind if I join?

Single Mama to Vincent 3/30/09
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#15 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 05:55 PM
 
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My moniker-less guy came over last night long enough to give me a good night kiss and visit for a few minutes. (Sundays are obviously a busy day for him.) I've been waiting a long time for a man to stroke hair out of my face and tell me that I'm beautiful. SIGH.

I'm going to make myself barf soon, with all of this ooshy gooshy-ness.

Single WAHM to 5yo DD, 2yo DS, and forever 7 week old angel DD.
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#16 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 06:32 PM
 
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Butterflymom: Genuine Article sounds great And you sound very taken with him. I hope this is "it"

Holly: Swimming guy sounds sweet. What kind of a guy is he? Tell more!

Here - well not actually dating I admit I only occasionally stop by here. Things are mostly great with BF. I am still crazy about him. It's been 8 months now since we met and its only gotten better. But also - as we are so comfortable with eachother now we have had our first few conflicts. I guess they were bound to come at some point. Since he is the guy I am dating I'll give you the short version.
One conflict/issue that has been returning and that he warned me about to begin with is that he really literally is VERY hard to upset - in any way. And me being a very passionate/temperamental lady I sometimes have a hard time telling what stuff I say make him feel. He always asks about me - how do I feel, what can he do for me etc - but hardly ever talks about his own emotions/feelings. I guess he shows his affection with actions mostly - but sometimes I would appreciate knowing what is actually going on inthere, as I seem to tend to misinterpret silence. Oh well..
That was one issue. The other issue is - in my mind - a pretty importent one. I WANT more kids. I REALLY REALLY want more kids. As in it's the one thing I dont think I can compromise on. I have made that very clear to him from day one. I have almost literally told him, that if he gets the vasectomy he has been talking about I wont be able to stay with him. He wont rule out having kid/s with me - but he also wont make me any promises. That puts me in an almost impossible situation. I am freaking crazy about him - you all know that. This is the first man I have ever felt certain about this way. I really feel this is the real thing. Guys like him are rare! Very very rare. And single guys like him even more so. I cant leave him - no way. But the thought of never having another child just breaks my heart. Im 32 so I guess I still have 6-8 or so years to have another kid or two - but that really doesnt allow much time for mistakes - relationships wise I mean. I cant affort putting in a good 3-4 years hoping for another kid, then realising he wont ever agree. We both recognize and realise that this is a problem - we just dont know what to do about it. The best he can do is telling me he wont completely rule it out. So that is where things are here..

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#17 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We both recognize and realise that this is a problem - we just dont know what to do about it. The best he can do is telling me he wont completely rule it out. So that is where things are here..
Hmmm...... first of all, because I'm not jealous of your position. This has been an issue from day 1, like you said, and I've been all the time hoping that this thing resolves the way you want it to. Can I ask you this: how would you feel if he agrees to have another child with you and you just aren't sure if he's only doing it because he knows he'll lose you otherwise? Is that what you want? a reluctant father-of-your-future-child(ren)? If he sacrifices his desire not to have more children so as not to lose you, is that romantic or just a horrible situation....? I honestly don't know. I'm just throwing thoughts out there. If he loses you and lives his life miserably but sticks to his guns of knowing he doesn't want more kids, is that absolutely bat-shit-crazy or is that the sane choice, at least from the point of view of the future would-be-child? Or from your point of view if you imagine that maybe you deserve to embark upon co-parenting with someone who desires a child also (I say embark because I'm sure he'd come around and adore the child once he/she arrived)? Would you be willing to take a chance if he somewhat-less-than-emphatically agrees, and go ahead with TTC and having a child, just banking on him getting more 'on board' later, as tends to happen?



AlwaysByMySide, keep it up. I love the gooshy stuff.

Sagesgirl, I think your best gay guy friend soudns amazing. I want one. Friends are priceless. Count yourself lucky. You have your thirties to partner up with a straight guy who is just as awesome. (meaning, if it doesn't happen in the months between now and your 30th birthday it's no big deal, not that I think you should be satisfied with years on end of single-ness if you crave companionship and affection!)

SamiPolizzi, just jump in and start telling us your stuff! Give contenders a nickname, please.
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#18 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 07:45 PM
 
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Seie,

swimming guy is 45 years old (that makes him 10 years older than me), has never been married (but has had a string of girlfriends), never had kids. He's very smart, loves talking about lots of things, and doing sports/being healthy. I know he's pretty good at swimming (though I still beat him all the time) and snow boarding. We have yet to play tennis together, but I used to play in high school so we'll see.
We both like current events, astronomy/space, and interesting discussions. He tends to get impatient with less than intelligent people. He's a good kisser. He likes a lot of late 70s and 80s music and sings all the time (I think he's a good singer). He quit his job 3 years ago to start his own management consulting company.
He's very sweet and thoughtful. He does have a few interesting habits: he doesn't drink hot drinks (no herbal tea even), he is very concerned with saving money (though he doesn't when it comes to me), and doesn't have many friends nor speak with his family
What else would you like to know?

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#19 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 07:57 PM
 
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Seie, I understand where you're coming from. I'm in much the same place myself. I really want at least one more child. There's just no easy answer there. You absolutely need someone with a compatible outlook on life, and I don't know how much more important it gets than having kids. It's in the back of my mind, would I be willing to pass it up for a guy who's otherwise perfect? I just don't think I could (I could agree to adopting rather than having a biological child, but not to writing it off completely). It's definitely something that's going to take a lot of conscious deliberation on your part, of prayer if that's something you do. Eight months really isn't that long...it might be something you two come to an answer on soon. (But there's nothing wrong with giving yourself a deadline. NOT giving him an ultimatum. Just saying "if we haven't figured this out by XYZ date, I'm going to call it a loss & move on.")

Butterflymom, I'm grateful to have my friend. It used to be I could say to myself "Well, I can't expect a romantic interest to fill the same role as my best friend," and use that to excuse a lot of stuff. Now, I've got to have some of the same aspects of my friendship in any future romance. I can count on Mark to back me up without question, and I've learned fairly recently that he speaks very highly of me to other people (not mutual friends, but friends of his). And I never ever had either one from my ex-husband. I deserve that from any future long-term man.

And I don't think I'm going to meet the love of my life before I'm 30, given that I've only got slightly over two weeks. I like WD a little bit more every day, but I just don't think he'll ever fill that role, to be honest.

Holly, I've got to admit, I'd be pretty wary of someone with only a few friends and no family ties. That's just a personal thing, though. I've seen of two many people that when they speak to no one in their family, the problem usually lies with them. But then, plenty of people have very small families it'd probably be easy to become completely estranged from!

How do you think he got to 45 without having been married or having kids? Just too career focused, or what? I guess that depends on what you're looking for, right? If he's a player, and you want to be playing, then it doesn't matter one whit.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#20 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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Holly: Swimming guy sounds like an interesting guy to be dating. Intelligent, athletic and a good kisser sounds like a pleasent combo . From his history I wouldnt have high expectations for a long term thing though - usually when they live that long without ever having had a serious long term relationship either its because they dont want one, or because women tend to leave come a certain point. Surely there is the chance he just hasnt met "the one" yet - but I wouldnt count on that last option. But hey - if you are looking for some fun and not intending it to be marriage potential, go ahead and have fun and enjoy life. But do try to keep your heart safe until you know him better

Thanks for the comments. For me and BF then for now I will give it some time. I know one thing that really matters to him is being able to support a kid before putting one into this world - whereas I am more "we'll manage somehow" about that aspect. He loves my kids already and seems to have bonded a lot with them. I guess having lost two kids of his own he is kind of "adopting" mine so to speak. I know that should we end up having a kid - by mistake or planned - he would love the little one with all his heart and I know he will make a wonderful father. But I know work/carreer is importent for him - so I should expect doing the majority of the parenting. I dont mind that, as long as he treats me good when we are together and that I know he will.
As for giving him ultimatums that wont work at all. He has pretty much told me that I am free to make choices for myself - meaning if I cant live with possibly never having another baby I should consider whether he is right for me long term.
I just dont know - I guess I will give things a year or so, then tell him to be the one in charge of birth control and see where that takes us. If that means him getting snipped - I dont think I would be able to stay. Its just hard to have to think about all these things long term when I am already so broody I can hardly stand seeing pregnant ladies or newborns..
Anyway I actually think that eventually he will let me have my way simply because if he loves me as much as I think he does he wont be able to deny me that. And no - I wouldnt have a problem with him making such a "sacrifice" for me. IMO the kids you regret are the ones you dont get. I completely trust that he is able to love and care for another baby. I just hope he agrees..

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#21 of 231 Old 08-03-2009, 09:23 PM
 
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I think with swimming guy, women tend to leave at a certain point. He's not really a player, and his version is that he hasn't met the right woman, which is why he never had kids (had long term relationships though...here in Quebec most people don't get married...).

I still am a bit wary of any long term intentions from him...which is why I'm not acting clingy or too affectionate. He can be a bit moody, say things that might offend someone else. Sometimes he really reminds me of my exh (which is sometimes good, and sometimes not so good).

Right now, I'm just happy to have someone to do things with and to kiss. If he dumped me tomorrow I'd be sad, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Not that we're 'together' or anything.

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#22 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 12:09 AM
 
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From his history I wouldnt have high expectations for a long term thing though - usually when they live that long without ever having had a serious long term relationship either its because they dont want one, or because women tend to leave come a certain point. Surely there is the chance he just hasnt met "the one" yet - but I wouldnt count on that last option.
Personally, I don't believe in generalizations. There are always too many exceptions. I have dated a few of those exceptions, in addition to being great friends with a few more of those exceptions.

Most of the men I know, older and younger alike, truly fear a "bad" marriage significantly more than women do. They tend to be a lot more cautious before entering into matrimony. Therefore, if an older man hasn't been married... I wouldn't be too concerned.

Now, if they have never been in a long-term, serious relationship... I wouldn't rule him out completely, but I would want to know A LOT more. And, I would really listen with open, honest (not just what I want or expect to hear) ears.
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#23 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 12:24 AM
 
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But I know work/carreer is importent for him - so I should expect doing the majority of the parenting. I dont mind that, as long as he treats me good when we are together and that I know he will.

Anyway I actually think that eventually he will let me have my way simply because if he loves me as much as I think he does he wont be able to deny me that.
This doesn't seem like much of a partnership, Seie. Is that not what you are looking for?

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I just dont know - I guess I will give things a year or so, then tell him to be the one in charge of birth control and see where that takes us. If that means him getting snipped - I dont think I would be able to stay.
I don't know, this seems like a veiled (and sneaky) ultimatum to me.

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Its just hard to have to think about all these things long term when I am already so broody I can hardly stand seeing pregnant ladies or newborns..
Anyway I actually think that eventually he will let me have my way simply because if he loves me as much as I think he does he wont be able to deny me that. And no - I wouldnt have a problem with him making such a "sacrifice" for me. IMO the kids you regret are the ones you dont get. .
I totally understand that you love and adore your bf and I 100% respect how difficult it would be to leave him. Unfortunately, your need to have another child is equally important, perhaps -- for you, as you have stated -- even more important than your bf.

Therefore, why are you watching time tick by with a man, who has been VERY honest with you about not wanting to have another child -- to the point of wanting to get a vasectomy? People very rarely and I mean VERY rarely change their minds about something like this, especially when they have reach the point of wanting to have a surgical procedure to make sure it doesn't happen.

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I completely trust that he is able to love and care for another baby. I just hope he agrees.
Yeah, that is probably very true... BUT how much will he resent you for *pressuring* him (AND forcing him to sacrifice himself for your love) into having a child when he told you he didn't want one?

I don't know, Seie... just be careful!
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#24 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 12:39 AM
 
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As for giving him ultimatums that wont work at all. He has pretty much told me that I am free to make choices for myself - meaning if I cant live with possibly never having another baby I should consider whether he is right for me long term.
I think you have answered yourself in this statement..... and honestly I would not wait around hoping to change someone.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#25 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 01:43 AM
 
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Slight update.....

StableGuy and I had a really fun time together. We went out of town to a concert and while there were some bumps in the road of getting there (I missed my initial flight that I was supposed to meet him on and made us late for the concert).... he was wonderful and once I arrived I just climbed right into his arms and stayed there almost all night. We had a yummy dinner out just chatting about so much and later we danced but that is an area in need of improvement..... I have a great deal to reflect on with him so I am just sitting with all my thoughts and once they are coherent in my mind I will try to express them to you ladies.

I have not seen or chatted with 2ndHusband in a little bit mostly because I am trying to take care of some items on my end but HOPE to see him this upcoming weekend I had not danced in three weekends when I saw StableGuy which only made me miss dancing with 2ndHusband.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#26 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 05:55 AM
 
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Holland:
Both me and BF want an equal relationship. We both come from relationships that were nothing but equal - with abuse and controlling behaviour. He is a very - well how do you say it - he is in balance with himself. He wont let me "pressure" him into something he doesnt want to do. If he decided to have a kid with me at some point it will be his decision - just as if eventually I choose to leave it is my choice to make.

This whole situation would be a lot easier if he told me plain out that he will never have another baby - or if he went ahead with the vasectomy. I wouldnt like him doing that - it would break my heart -but it would make my choices more simple - stay and give up on more children - or leave and have a chance to have more. As it is now he wont rule it out and that is what makes it difficult - right now my choice is stay with the man I love and risk not having more children or leave the man I love and still risk not having more children as well as risking never to meet that kind of love again. For now I go with option number one - stay and possibly have a kid with HIM at some point.

I have been very open and honest with him from day one about my wishes for more child/ren. I have no hidden agendas and am not trying to manipulate or use threats to get him to do things my way. And i definately dont do "sneaky" ultimatums. Leaving the man in charge of birth control is hardly "sneaky". If I want more kids and he doesnt, I dont see why I should be the one to make sure it doesnt happen. He is free to either use a condom or get his snip done - that is not my choice. But whether I want to stay if he choses to do so IS my choice. I just dont get it. If I choose to leave him NOW over him possibly not wanting a child with me is the choice of a modern independent woman but if I make the same choice a year from now I will be sneaky? I feel slightly offended to be honest.

I often seem to hear the "if he doesnt fit your list of demands, dump him" on here. IMO that is NOT how love works. You dont just dump people when they dont do things your way. I believe I have a very big heart - with lots of space. BF even said to me at some point "You are the only girlfriend I have ever had who doesnt try to turn me into someone else". But the one thing about having another child or two is the one single thing I cant give up. And he knows that. He also knows that I am staying with him with the hope that this will happen. He just isnt at a point in his life where he can make any promises. So as I said before - we both realise that there is a disagreement here or a possible future major conflict. But we cant seem to meet anywhere just yet.
DO you ask whether having another baby is more importent than him? Yes I guess it might be eventually - and he is well aware that is how I feel. Surely you can turn that argument around and ask whether for him NOT having another baby is more importent to him than me?

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#27 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 07:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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For now I go with option number one - stay and possibly have a kid with HIM at some point.


.... But we cant seem to meet anywhere just yet.

... whether for him NOT having another baby is more importent to him than me?
Do you want someone to have a baby just to let you have your way and not lose you? Not being snarky seriously wondering the answer to that question and not implying there's anything so wrong with either answer..

What if you do what sagesgirl mentioned and let him know explicitly that you have a period of some months (not years) where you will hang around him out of love, to see if he finds his clarity on the issue. And if it's still a muddy mess, then you will have to cut your losses and move on....? Or maybe you have already done this?
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#28 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 08:19 AM
 
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What if you do what sagesgirl mentioned and let him know explicitly that you have a period of some months (not years) where you will hang around him out of love, to see if he finds his clarity on the issue. And if it's still a muddy mess, then you will have to cut your losses and move on....? Or maybe you have already done this?
I dont think I can do this. Its possible that I actually do care about him enough to hang around infinitely. Pathetic? Not sure if I am pathetic of a die-hard-romantic. Or just a plain idiot. Ideally I guess I hope his love for me is so genuine that he will wish me to be as happy as I can be - and that means he will have to agree on more kids. Geez why does love have to be so complicated Anyway it sounds a bit like what you are suggesting is pretty similar to my original plan - to let him be responsible for birth control. I guess that will force him to make a decision of some sort and not keep me hanging there in mid air..

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#29 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyway it sounds a bit like what you are suggesting is pretty similar to my original plan - to let him be responsible for birth control. I guess that will force him to make a decision of some sort and not keep me hanging there in mid air..
So are you saying that you're going to go ahead and do that now? It's not like buying a pack of condoms is the end of the world for a man, even if they prefer to go without. What if he seems to indefinitely just wear condoms and then you still are left dangling in mid-air. Definitely if he gets a vasectomy then you have your answer, but...... sigh....... so when do you plan to shift the responsibility of birth control to his shoulders and hope for some kind of a resolution?
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#30 of 231 Old 08-04-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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Seie I want happiness for you but everything I am reading scares me a little especially since your children are also dangling along beside you. I do understand the birth control shift & I do know some of my married friends do this for various reasons with good results however in reading your post I also see the flip side.....

if your love for him is so genuine that you will wish him to be as happy as he can be - then that means you won't pressure him to have children and that you adjust mentally / emotionally (or you move on.....)

And one thing not being mentioned a great deal is that he is willing and happy to take welcome your children as his own, providing for them emotionally, financially, etc. (if I recall correctly) so he IS having children for you, just not a new birth with both of your flesh.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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