50/50 custody fight, please help! - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
NeivaKai's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the sea.
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi everyone,
I don't post very often, but I lurk to get insight and wisdom from BTDT mamas, and I appreciate you all.

I am just entering into the courts with my ex, as we have had a very lose agreement up til now, and since I stopped giving my ex everything he wants and made a hard decision not to be with him, he is pushing for legality now.

He filed for paternity, a parenting plan that culminates in 50/50 custody within 18 months, and a restraining order baring me from leaving the state with my son.

I am so infuriated, as he knows we travel all the time and has never taken issue with it in the past.

Up until now, we have had an every-other weekend schedule, with our son going with him for 7hrs a day on Sat and Sun. When he has had him longer then this my son has night terrors when he comes home, so I have restricted the time to 7hrs, as this seems to be what works.

Our son is 26 months old, has been with me since birth, never been put in daycare, and other than this 7hrs is never away from me for longer than 3 hrs.

I am pregnant and due Oct. 20th, with a relationship that my son knows as "Daddy Jason". He feeds him, puts him to bed, does all the daddy type things with him. We have lived together since January.

I am wondering what anyone has done to fight the 50/50 custody thing. My lawyer told me the judge in my county likes 50/50 and it is scaring me, so I need some kind of preparation to fight this. I am a stay at home mom, my ex is a corporate guy who works a ton. I am terrified of my son being away from me for a week at a time, being put into day care. I wanted to homeschool! It rocks me to my core. We also live 200 miles away from each other. I just don't see how it will work. Would a judge really award that?

Any studies showing the disruption of 5050 with a child this young would be greatly appreciated, I have seen mention of it in past discussions, but couldn't find it in a search. Please please, I need some reassurance. I am terrified.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
NeivaKai is offline  
#2 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:00 PM
 
Shiloh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: listening to kriping churckets
Posts: 6,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
50/50 is hard for fathers to get when they are young and if you don't want it.
18 months is still young.

Quote:
and a restraining order baring me from leaving the state with my son.
is that for moving or travel?

Quote:
Up until now, we have had an every-other weekend schedule, with our son going with him for 7hrs a day on Sat and Sun. When he has had him longer then this my son has night terrors when he comes home, so I have restricted the time to 7hrs, as this seems to be what works.
Don't fix what isn't broke.

Quote:
I am a stay at home mom, my ex is a corporate guy who works a ton.
that might work in your favour, you stay at home and insist you are going to keep doing that. I wouldn't mention the homeschooling thing.
A judge would I HOPE not put a kid in daycare rather than with mom..

IMO a lot of men ask for 50/50 as child support payments are minimal or zero.

You can always counter offer, I mean what do you think he wants?
If he wants more time with the child that's not a bad thing, I'd offer to work up to standard visitation every other weekend for the whole weekend, one evening a week, every other holiday and half the summer holidays by the time he starts school

8 might be enough
Shiloh is offline  
#3 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:07 PM
 
Seasons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Host city of Laundryfest 2009
Posts: 1,640
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I PM'd you.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
Seasons is offline  
#4 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
NeivaKai's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the sea.
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My son is 26 months, so he will be three and a half by the time the 50/50 comes around.

It's baring me from leaving the state AT ALL. We live in a rural area right on the border of Oregon and Washington, so we go down to Oregon all the time, as the biggest town around is there. My son's swim classes are there, as are healthy cheap places to buy food. And friends. As well as my therapist, church, ect ect.

My ex also stopped doing a voluntary child support deposit July 9th. So not only is he doing this court thing in my third trimester, he is stopping paying financially for his son. It's just nuts.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
NeivaKai is offline  
#5 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:10 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,957
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Can you contest the order? I'm guessing you have grounds to do that. It seems that if paternity isn't established, he shouldn't be able to restrict your actions.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#6 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:13 PM
 
josybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,267
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i think if the judge is reasonable he or she would see that you've been sensible and moderate so far and your ex is being vindictive. at least, i hope so.

i did 50/50 until today ( when i convinced ex that it's detrimental to the boys. i suggested two options to my ex so he could feel like he was making the decision: he could pay for a child psychologist to evaluate our boys and recommend a custody schedule based on their needs, or he could agree to the schedule i'd drawn up. i told him that i'd be getting a lawyer if he didn't agree to one option or the other. could it work for you to come up with a few reasonable compromises and present them, so the lawyers and judge see that you are being the rational one?

good luck.
josybear is offline  
#7 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
NeivaKai's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the sea.
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you Seasons.

I am going to contest the order, but I can't until my court date and it isn't for two weeks. I know if I get in front of a judge I can make it go away, but I can't do anything until then, I don't think. I think it's nuts that a judge can order me not to leave the state when this guy could be lying is brains out, and not even be my son's dad!!! So you can just restrict anyone's movement without any proof of anything? It's freaking nuts.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
NeivaKai is offline  
#8 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:21 PM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Some things you go for the most and wiggle down.

As for leaving the state...does it say leaving or moving from the state. Most the time it is just moving out of the state- this is what he is most likely wanting That is pretty standard now days. Now he can easily get you barred from leaving the country.

I think you living 200 miles that is 3 hours away is going to limit this 50/50 custody. He is going high so it can be worked out better.

Homeschooling will make visitations easier but argue that later (it will allow easier access) You could work a 4 day with you 3 with him and still get all the schooling done. You might have to rethink some of your homeschooling ideas. You can also send him to his dad with work. With 200 miles between you it isn't like either one of you could easily drive him to school and drop off or have true 50/50 split.

Dad isn't rushing into wanting all this stuff tomorrow. He wants to build it up over the next 18 months. So he will be almost 4. He is wanting more time....this doesn't make it always convenient for you but there are ways to negotiate.

Also restricting time with dad on the weekend might not be the best treatment for night terrors. One cause for night terrors is being over tired. You are "rescuing" your ex from this unpleasantness of night parenting. This doesn't help him or you in the long run. He is parenting on the "make up" and most likely overstimulating. He doesn't see the night terrors nor can he learn to parent through them or avoid them. You are denying him the ability to parent his child. You are denying your child the opportunity to bond and learn to trust his dad. Giving your ex info on night terrors and your routine to help limit them is the best you can do. I have lived through night terrors with 2 children. It is a stage that passes. It is something that being overtired does not always cause. It could be brought up easily in court about having to keep bedtime routine. Hard to enforce at this age since there is not another child to tattle tell on but both of you can develop a parenting plan on. From my experience they will get worse before it gets better with night terrors. I think you have to let go a little be more and let dad see reality, parenting isn't always pretty or convenient.
Marsupialmom is offline  
#9 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:21 PM
 
josybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,267
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
the judge has to see through the not-leave-the-state thing. that's just nuts-o.
josybear is offline  
#10 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 07:28 PM
 
LoveOhm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In Writing Mode!
Posts: 1,953
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think the order keeping you in the state is only while there is a pending court matter...... not sure about fighting 50/50 because I parent solo but I wish you and your family the best of luck!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
LoveOhm is offline  
#11 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 08:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
NeivaKai's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the sea.
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
About the restricting time-it only happens when he has him for longer than 7 hours, and I totally agree it is because he is overtired. That is why I went from having him have my son from 9am until 7pm to 12pm to 7 or 10am to 5, so that he has a chance to unwind and relax before bed.

I am doing nothing of the sort of "rescuing" my ex from night parenting. For many many months I allowed him to stay with us on the weekends he was here because he couldn't afford to stay somewhere else, even though we were not together. My son did not start sleeping through the night until I night weaned him, so there were many many nights that my ex was there in the next room, and I am getting up with my son to bounce him on an exercise ball, sometimes for hours, to get him to go to sleep or stay asleep. My ex would sleep through it all. If I would ask for help, he would act like a deer in headlights and not know what to do, even if I described how to help.

My ex is not receptive when I tell him how to help with our son, such as easing his anxiety about our drop offs. He gets angry and defensive ("I know how to parent MY son") and ignores me. Part of the reason I am struggling with this so much, because I know what stuff works. He has trouble getting him down for naps, as I do as well (sleep has always been an issue) but isn't receptive when I try to help.

Denying my ex the chance to parent his child??? That is just nuts. I don't know where you are getting that, but I guess I am thinking you are talking about your own experience. My ex has had ample time and opportunity to parent, but decided for two years that his career was more important than being a parent. He lived 2500 miles away until four months ago.

As for denying him anything, I am the one who is driving our son to see HIM. So I think I am doing a pretty good job at facilitating a relationship.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
NeivaKai is offline  
#12 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 09:16 PM
 
Avani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,958
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ugh, this is a reminder for me why i shouldn't "force" paternity on my babies dad. Parenting solo would be better!

I really wouldn't think a judge would order 50/50 with the long distance scenario and the father working so much. Being a SAHM will probably get you physical custody and be sure to ask for the right of first refusal. That way daycare won't be such an issue.
Avani is offline  
#13 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 10:30 PM
 
momof4peppers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 724
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm going to guess that marsupial mom meant that if dad only has the child for 7 hours, he can do all the disneyland-dad stuff, and YOU get the hard stuff. If dad truly wants 50/50, HE needs to learn how to get over the deer in the headlights and PARENT. Not to mention, drive to get his child.

you sound like you've done a great job at facilitating the parent relationship, and if dad truly wants to be more involved, well, what's HE going to do to make that happen? You've always driven, and NOW he wants to restrict your travels? Well, fine. Then HE can drive down to get his son, because you're going to be working on re-establishing your life within the boundaries HE's set, KWIM?

Think of this as a huge negotiation. Outline what you've done so far. YOU don't want this to change, and are willing to keep it that way. HE wants change. So HE has to adapt. If you drive every other week, well, when you go to 50/50, HE'LL have to drive down every other week (or return your son). I'm a visual person, so I would make a chart. This is what we've done, this is what he wants that's different. My guess, and IANAL, is that restricting you from going out of state is a red herring that he knows will get your goat, and get you to give up something he REALLY wants for you to be able to go out of state.

Hugs to you my friend. You're doing a great job, and will continue to do so. And good luck with the pregnancy!
momof4peppers is offline  
#14 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 10:41 PM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 738
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
My son is 26 months, so he will be three and a half by the time the 50/50 comes around.

It's baring me from leaving the state AT ALL. We live in a rural area right on the border of Oregon and Washington, so we go down to Oregon all the time, as the biggest town around is there. My son's swim classes are there, as are healthy cheap places to buy food. And friends. As well as my therapist, church, ect ect.

My ex also stopped doing a voluntary child support deposit July 9th. So not only is he doing this court thing in my third trimester, he is stopping paying financially for his son. It's just nuts.
Is that child support court ordered? If so, file to have it garnished.

If not, well, get proof of what he was paying. And then get proof of when he stopped paying. His refusal to help support his child will not go well for him. And could lead the court to believe that he is only doing this to get out of paying child support.

What did your attorney say about the judge's preferences for your child's specific age bracket? The judge may prefer it with older kids but not with young kids.

Document how your son behaves when he goes longer with his father. Tell the courts you are trying to accomodate the relationship with father and child while respecting what the child has clearly shown he cannot handle.

And I would definitely fight for ROFR (right of first refusal), make sure that it includes stepparents (you do need to be reasonable, leaving your child for a couple of hours with a stepmom/stepdad is reasonable, all day, everyday while the parent works is not) and other family members. This way if he does get 50/50, you get your child while he is at work rather than your child going to a daycare. And there isn't a thing he can do about it.

But I think your winning argument would be the distance. 200 miles is simply too far for 50/50 to be even be considered.
alpenglow likes this.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#15 of 25 Old 08-11-2009, 11:08 PM
 
Shiloh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: listening to kriping churckets
Posts: 6,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
first right of refusal can work both ways if that includes step parents what about her significant other?

Also asking for 50/50 can be a nice way to then go for full custody.
I knew someone who did that successfully.

8 might be enough
Shiloh is offline  
#16 of 25 Old 08-12-2009, 12:36 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeivaKai View Post
About the restricting time-it only happens when he has him for longer than 7 hours, and I totally agree it is because he is overtired. That is why I went from having him have my son from 9am until 7pm to 12pm to 7 or 10am to 5, so that he has a chance to unwind and relax before bed.

I am doing nothing of the sort of "rescuing" my ex from night parenting. For many many months I allowed him to stay with us on the weekends he was here because he couldn't afford to stay somewhere else, even though we were not together. My son did not start sleeping through the night until I night weaned him, so there were many many nights that my ex was there in the next room, and I am getting up with my son to bounce him on an exercise ball, sometimes for hours, to get him to go to sleep or stay asleep. My ex would sleep through it all. If I would ask for help, he would act like a deer in headlights and not know what to do, even if I described how to help.

My ex is not receptive when I tell him how to help with our son, such as easing his anxiety about our drop offs. He gets angry and defensive ("I know how to parent MY son") and ignores me. Part of the reason I am struggling with this so much, because I know what stuff works. He has trouble getting him down for naps, as I do as well (sleep has always been an issue) but isn't receptive when I try to help.

Denying my ex the chance to parent his child??? That is just nuts. I don't know where you are getting that, but I guess I am thinking you are talking about your own experience. My ex has had ample time and opportunity to parent, but decided for two years that his career was more important than being a parent. He lived 2500 miles away until four months ago.

As for denying him anything, I am the one who is driving our son to see HIM. So I think I am doing a pretty good job at facilitating a relationship.
NeivaKai,

I know you are very frustrated right now. You have been doing things on your own. It has to feel invasive now your ex is living closer. The situation has changed. Your ex now lives close enough to do a lot more than before.

He has lived 2500 miles away for two years. Did he move away then come back? What is his job? Did you move away after the baby was born or him? If he has lived that amount of time away he has not had ample time to be a parent and learn how to parent. What you have given him has been wonderful! What he has done and tried to do shows that he cares for yall's child. This is how I see it and how the courts will see it.

Please accept what works for you may not work for other people and vice versa. You have to back off and let him learn to parent and interact with yall's child. This sucks but even with this new baby this will happen. It can be maddening. My dh had this hold that lulled our girls to sleep. I couldn't mimic. As long as your child isn't crying alone he will be ok. The other parent needs to figure out what works for them. It feels intrusive being told do it this way, especially if it doesn't work. That deer in the head light look comes from experience. You most likely had it just couldn't see it. Plus you didn't have anyone say do it this way or that way....you figured it out on your own. Getting to parent every few weekend with a supervision is different then all on your own.

I truly think it is great that you have driven and let him stay with you. That is helping foster a relationship.
Marsupialmom is offline  
#17 of 25 Old 08-12-2009, 12:49 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Also about stopping pay child support. It could be that he was told to do that. Since it is not court ordered it could be considered just a "gift" and not count as child support. To be honest he could end up owing and having to pay back child support for the last 2 years. I believe that is going to be an issue that will come up later.

I have a girl friend that screwed herself over this issue. Her ex was paying child support and a lot of other things. She went to court to get it court ordered. He had to pay 3 years back child support. Paying back child support and current child support on his income was less than what he was giving willingly.

It is common for lawyers to tell parents to put the money to the side and have it ready to pay when there is a court order. In some cases (states) any money given to you directly just doesn't count even if the mom says YES he did pay that.
Marsupialmom is offline  
#18 of 25 Old 08-12-2009, 01:28 AM
 
Goodmom2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 738
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post
first right of refusal can work both ways if that includes step parents what about her significant other?

Also asking for 50/50 can be a nice way to then go for full custody.
I knew someone who did that successfully.

If it doesn't include stepparents, what if her ex decides to marry and his wife stays home, as well? Then she doesn't get her child over the stepmother.

BTW, a significant other would not even be considered as part of the child's family in the eyes of the law.

BTW, ROFR is probably moot given that they live too far away for it to be practical.

Her best argument against 50/50 is that he lives 200 miles away and that she is a stay at home mom.
Goodmom2008 is offline  
#19 of 25 Old 08-12-2009, 01:32 PM
 
jujyfruitbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 87
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I think the quality of the advice being given here is pretty mixed.

If there is no legal support order, you need to get one. Marsupialmom's friend may have gotten more under the table, but that's unusual, and it's also highly unpredictable. Household budgets don't do well on unpredictable. And whatever lawyers may tell their clients, temporary orders are just as binding as the final ones.

Relax about the travel restriction; it's nuts but temporary. If you live near a border, it's not reasonable to stop you from going over the border to do ordinary things like shop and go swimming, especially if there's no evidence that you're a flight risk. I'd be more concerned about the fact that either there was no hearing or your lawyer was ineffectual in whatever on-paper hearing there was.

I agree with others who say that he's negotiating and playing with your head, and also that you need that ROFR. I doubt sincerely he wants all the custody he's asking for, which means that without ROFR, a girlfriend or his mom will be looking after your kid. And I don't buy the argument that he wants to be a better dad now -- a guy who wants to be a better dad doesn't start by putting a chain around the mama's ankle. You left him for another guy, and he's mad and fighting, that's all.

If you have ROFR and use it, even if he does get 50/50, you can go back in 18 months and say "Facts on the ground say this isn't 50/50 and he's not interested in it."

Get some rest, recognize that his lawyer's trying to game you, and don't take it personal. You already knew what he is. Be prepared to submit to the paternity test (you didn't sleep with him while living with Jason, did you?) and wind up with something akin to standard visitation.
alpenglow likes this.
jujyfruitbaby is offline  
#20 of 25 Old 08-13-2009, 05:31 AM
 
Jyotsna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Right here!
Posts: 1,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I live in a border city, and my parents live 35 minutes away from me, in the state directly below me. I could not visit my parents for 6 months, nor could I visit friends, go camping (only 1 hour away) and many many other things. It was very upsetting. Ex was extremely happy to control me by preventing me from leaving the state. Ex didn't have the same issue, and he drove out of state every single day, further than my parents house, for work.

This type of legal harrassment should not be allowed without proof that a parent may be a flight risk, but they get away with it...as tactics to hurt us, or whatever.

Just get to court as soon as you can. I wouldn't worry about it. And I would not go across the state line for anything, anything, including driving the children to him. Ha ha! He got himself there...if he is still expecting you to drive for him, fine, let him do this for six months, and every time he doesn't show up, have a witness with you (every time) to show that he didn't come. Let him kick himself in his own ass!

But especially follow the letter of the law, and continue with the same parenting allowance with your ds to stbx. I also think that the distance stbx has to travel and your staying home with your ds, will be the very things that keep 50/50 out. And this is not good for your son in MY opinion. School or homeschool, your son will be tossed around alot more than if your stbx had him on standard parenting time...every other weekends, some holidays (they suck) and working up to some summer time like 5 days.

Vegetarian Hindu, mother to L,P and R. 
Jyotsna is offline  
#21 of 25 Old 10-11-2013, 03:43 PM
 
mamatoabirdie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 94
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I started splitting 50/50 with my ex when my son was around ten months. I know lots of women wouldn't do it at that age but my son adjusted beautifully. I was so pissed about it and watching closely for behavioral changes, sleep issues, ect, so I could tell my ex "no more," but there just weren't. He did great, still does great and he and his dad have an awesome relationship. My ex had to learn very quickly how to adapt to parenting and did a fantastic job. I don't agree with everything he does (and vice versa) but we communicate and try to stay on the same page and respect the fact that the other is a very, very capable parent. I see my son everyday and I'm fairly sure my son gets more time with dad than even some married couples. We also spend time together as a family. My ex is an excellent father but I didn't see that until I took a step back and let him be. My point is not that 50/50 is right or wrong for you, but...ease up on the dad a little bit. Give him some space to be a parent. Let him learn, just the way you did. If he wants that time with his son, give it to him. Let him have a few weekends and see how your son adjusts. A fantaaaastic super crunchy pediatrician in my town gave me some great advice once. I asked her, in tears, if my son waspob too young for a sleepover. She told me to let the baby dictate the schedule. Watch him. See how he adapts.

Trust me, I know the fear and frustration. Your son DOES have another parent and I know you've been doing the driving, but if he wants more time, he had a right to it.
mamatoabirdie is online now  
#22 of 25 Old 10-12-2013, 07:57 PM
 
heyxxmcfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: STL, Missouri
Posts: 113
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
Mommyjude, who do you think you are to be saying things like that? This is over 4 years old to begin with. Another thing is every man that produces sperm to create a child is not "earning" the right to be a father. Being a father is helping raise that child and being there for them. Which she said he decided he didn't want to do. I see NOTHING wrong with how the OP reacted or how she treated him. She's being much more nice than I am in almost this exact situation. Except in my case the "father" has done NOTHING for my son. I raise him, I pay for his needs, I kiss his boo boos. Do you see my point here? Just because a man helps create doeant mean that he has "rights" to screw up a system that worked for the child. After being a child In a situation like this, also, I know how much it can mentally affect a child. They constantly wonder why their "Daddy" doesn't thing they're important or why they say they will do something and blow them off. So in all reality YOU should be ashamed of how you bashed a fantastic mother who has her son's best interests at heart, when the "father" so obviously doesn't.

On a side note, there's nothing wrong with the REAL father figure in the son's life being called "Daddy". Its what he's "earned" from being there and taking care of the child.
mama41 and kblackstone444 like this.

- - - -
heyxxmcfly is online now  
#23 of 25 Old 10-14-2013, 06:17 PM
 
mama41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,058
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoabirdie View Post

My ex had to learn very quickly how to adapt to parenting and did a fantastic job. I don't agree with everything he does (and vice versa) but we communicate and try to stay on the same page and respect the fact that the other is a very, very capable parent. I see my son everyday and I'm fairly sure my son gets more time with dad than even some married couples. We also spend time together as a family. My ex is an excellent father but I didn't see that until I took a step back and let him be.

 

That's wonderful. A lot of men, particularly men who disappear and then decide they want back in, aren't so capable as parents. And unfortunately there's no artificial test kid for them to learn on. When that happens, the one who gets hurt - badly, sometimes permanently - is the kid. Collateral damage: the single mother who's already got everything precariously balanced and now has to help her child recover from damage inflicted by a father who is, as it turns out, just playing at parenting, or who's flat-out irresponsible with the child. More collateral damage: the child who now has a bad father and a mother who's even more stressed and overloaded because she has to run interference, protecting the child from the father as far as she can.

Usually we know when a guy is responsible and solid and when he's not. Don't assume that a mom who's trying to protect the child from the father is just protecting turf and a sense of ownership or ego or some such. A lot of guys just. are. not. good. fathers.

mama41 is offline  
#24 of 25 Old 10-14-2013, 07:20 PM
 
mamatoabirdie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 94
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post

That's wonderful. A lot of men, particularly men who disappear and then decide they want back in, aren't so capable as parents. And unfortunately there's no artificial test kid for them to learn on. When that happens, the one who gets hurt - badly, sometimes permanently - is the kid. Collateral damage: the single mother who's already got everything precariously balanced and now has to help her child recover from damage inflicted by a father who is, as it turns out, just playing at parenting, or who's flat-out irresponsible with the child. More collateral damage: the child who now has a bad father and a mother who's even more stressed and overloaded because she has to run interference, protecting the child from the father as far as she can.

Usually we know when a guy is responsible and solid and when he's not. Don't assume that a mom who's trying to protect the child from the father is just protecting turf and a sense of ownership or ego or some such. A lot of guys just. are. not. good. fathers.

I totally agree with you and that's a great point. My eldest didnt meet her father until she was five, so I have definitely been on that side of the coin. In fact, I moved away to protect her until her dad became a better dad who could be trusted. I certainly won't argue that usually we know when a dad is or isn't solid.

I didn't feel like that was the issue with OP. I kind of felt more like she was scared of a 50/50 split with a dad who already was parenting his son and wanted more. Of course I don't know the whole story, I can only go by what was posted. I totally related to being terrified of splitting 50/50, especially since my ex had only taken my son for a few hours at a time. My situation was very similar to the OPs, and that's what I was relating to. And, like I said, I feel like I recieved good advice from the pedi who told me to really pay attention to the child and let him dictate the schedule. So that's where I was coming from. If she is truly fearful that her son would be in harms way or seriously neglected in dads hands, of course I can understand that. It seemed in this case, mom was fearful of being away from her son/not being able to homewchool/not being able to travel.
mamatoabirdie is online now  
#25 of 25 Old 10-21-2013, 06:46 AM
Administrator
 
cynthia mosher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Arabia!
Posts: 38,886
Mentioned: 15 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 102 Post(s)

MommyJude, your post has been removed. Personal attacks are not permitted. Please post in a respectful manner to voice any disagreeing opinion you may hold about a topic and make it a discussion of the topic, not the individual.


cynthia mosher is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off