How do you meet someone? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 02:55 AM - Thread Starter
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Okay, so this is probably a dumb question...but I've been worrying about it for a while and don't know who else to ask.

Perhaps a bit of background would help. I've been with stbx for 6 years since I was 19. We have been separated for 2+ years, but my beliefs do not allow me to seek out another relationship while I was still married. There's a light at the end of my divorce tunnel and it feels like I need to start figuring out how to break down the "I'm married" barrier. But I don't know how. I can't fathom online dating, though it would fit into my schedule, because ex's unfaithfulness started with online dating. I don't think I could ever believe that the person on the other end of the computer wasn't just like him...

But my life right now is my almost 3-year-old. I work part-time, he goes to school part-time and the rest of the time it's just us. My office consists of 3 people, myself and a husband/wife who own the no social interractions from work. I have friends who I see regularly who have kids around the same age, but all are happily married (or hiding the unhappy parts, though I sense them sometimes). I don't really have time to actively seek someone out.

But, I feel really ready to move on. I feel I have put my marriage behind me and would like to start making some new history. At the same time, I don't want to take time away from my son's growing up to waste on dead-end guys. And I don't really have much time away from him that I could actually date someone...I get about an hour and a half a couple times a week after I finish work and before I pick him up...and most of that is spent cleaning the house and SHOULD be spent finding a job. I wouldn't really want to spend time with someone around him because I am even more scared of the thought that I will introduce him to a man who will then leave. He's going to have enough father-abandonment issues when he grows up and realizes that's just what his father did...I don't want to hasten things.

Anyway, those are tonight's doubts and I'd love to hear some practical advice and stories. I've looked into the "dating" threads a few times in the past and am happy to see that others on here are doing it, but confused as to how.

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#2 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 02:59 AM
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I have luck with online dating, mhm. is where I found the wonderful man I am dating right now.

Mama to Belly(5), homesteading in the desert with our chickens and sheep. Fish nerd, really into my reef tank. Baby due Sep 3rd!

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#3 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 04:30 AM - Thread Starter
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MadameXCupcake - I'm glad online is working for you! I really wish I could wrap my head around it, as that seems to be the way to date now. But my ex was on EVERY SINGLE ONE of those websites...probably still is. I have an account with most of them which, in my pregnancy-induced-craziness I would check to see how often he had logged on and try to see whether he was sleeping with the women he was chatting with. Maybe it'd be a decent enough way to help wrap my head around what to say and how to talk to men, but I don't think I'd ever be comfortable meeting them or even talking on the phone. And as I remember, there's a lot of pressure to share phone #s (from my snooping). Oh, I'm a hopeless case. Maybe I'm not ready to date...but I really do want to be!
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#4 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 05:05 AM
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AJsMama--Give a try. Type up a nice, funny charming profile and post a couple of good photo's. Do nothing more. The men will message you. When the pressure for a phone number, tell them you're not ready for that yet. Compromise and suggest Messenger chat. When YOU feel comfortable, exchange numbers. If you're not interested in someone who messages you, either read/delete it or send them a polite rejection. I typically go with read/ I think most people do.

Everyone keeps saying that the grocery store is the best place to find people. I'm beginning to think it's true too. I was bubbly one day, early in the morning and went to walmart. I was in "man-hunt-mode"....and looking kinda good I made eye contact and smiled. In the 20 minutes I was there, someone gave me their business card to call them and there were 2 guys who flirted with me but didn't cross over into the "call me" stage. I felt like a million freakin' dollars when I left that day, lol. I was just open minded, smiley and looking. Try it. You never know.

I deleted my POF account for a couple of different reasons. The only place I go is work and grocery/walmart on a regular basis. All my co-workers are female. Eh. You just never know about the grocery store *shrugs*.!&id=916929
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#5 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 06:56 PM
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I met the guy I am currently seeing at the swimming pool. It was the first time I had gone in like a year, wasn't in 'flirt' mode (but looked pretty darn good in my swim suit), and just happened to strike up a conversation with a cute guy in my swim lane.
We started talking, continued talking after swimming, and before I knew it we were spending all our free time together.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#6 of 11 Old 08-27-2009, 08:53 PM
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Hiya! I don't know where you live so this may or may not work for you, but has lots of different groups you can join to go do fun stuff with other people who want to do the same fun stuff. It takes all of the "dating" pressure off, while allowing you to meet new people who may be right for you, or who may know someone who is right for you.

I'm trying to figure out how to negotiate this myself once my LO arrives. I work a lot a lot a lot, so I can hardly justify spending time away from her for dating purposes. But I may pop in to a outing once a month just to have some social interaction. I even found one in my area for single parents that plans activities both with kids and without. They also have them for rock climbers, hikers, wine tasters, dinner clubs...pretty much anything you can possibly enjoy doing. If you're in a populated area this could be an excellent way to meet new people while avoiding the one-on-one online dating you have issues with.

I'm also considering going back to church on a regular basis, mostly for the social interaction. While I'm super spiritual, I can't stand organized religion, so this is a hotly contested inner-psyche topic at the moment. Just a thought!

Basically it comes down to doing things YOU are interested in. That's going to be the best way to meet other people that share your interests, you know? Like the PPs swim-scapade. Right off the bat they know they have physical activity, at least a bit of health consciousness, and swimming in common.

Good luck mama!

:yawning 33yo first-time solo mama to DD born 11/21/09
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#7 of 11 Old 08-29-2009, 02:01 PM
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I'm newish to the online dating thing, and resisted it for a long time, but i'm finding it to be okay. So far I met one interesting guy that I wasn't attracted to but will stay friends with. Emailing back and forth right now with a few interesting people. Haven't been asked for phone numbers and I'd rather skip that stage and just meet them IRL in a public place.

ETA I'm on a bunch of sites but having most luck with and nerve.

I like that it is out there in my profile that I have kids. I find that awkward IRL; if I'm with my kids they assume I'm not single, if I'm without them I worry what happens when I drop the bombshell. is also great. I joined a hiking group and it's been great for me just getting out & being social with no pressure. After one hike we all went for dinner and I had such a blast and I'd say there were 3 or 4 guys all cracking up at my jokes, being flirtatious (not only with me) and I overheard one say to another, "she's beautiful, eh?"..let me tell ya I'm no supermodel, or even regular model but this did wonders for my self esteem and helped me take the dating idea more seriously. It feels good to be seen as more than just a mom or in my work role.
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#8 of 11 Old 08-30-2009, 01:17 PM
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I'm also starting to think about dating...and wondering how the heck I'll meet people! I've created generic, photo-less profiles on a couple of dating sites. I got a sleazy message from a married guy looking for "fun" the other day, ugh. That was a turn-off.

The one that I find the most promising (from just browsing profiles) is actually a Catholic dating site.

I've also let my friends know that I'm open to being setup, and am trying to be generally more social. We'll see.

The meetup suggestion is a good one! There are some interesting groups near me. Good luck everyone!
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#9 of 11 Old 08-30-2009, 01:19 PM
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I LOVE it's a great way to connect with others with no pressure. Especially with single parents.

I met my partner via

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#10 of 11 Old 08-30-2009, 01:47 PM
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My plan "A"; is to forget about dating for now. I just want friends. You can do all the things with friends that you do with a guy except you don't have all the weird unwritten dating rules. and guy friends seem to be more honest about who they are than a guy with his dating face on. I started dating xh around the time i was 16 or 17. first and only boyfriend. i was so clueless. I want to be friends with a guy before i am alone with him anywhere. also I feel the love between friends is so much more solid and that is the love I want to start a relationship with.

as for how I meet my friends. I work in a very social job (a starbucks at a grocery store) so between customers and and employees I have a good pool of people there (this is also where I find girlfriends by the way) I also meet people through church. I don't meet men online really. All my facebook friends and such are people I actually know or women (and a few men) I know from message boards with a religous bent ( but the men are known personally by someone else.) I am hesitant to do online dating stuff because my xh affair started as an online hook up. and he was predetorial. he lied about his name and marital status (and heaven knows whatelse) and even went so far to have a fake ID made. crazy stuff. but there are some weird men out there. creeps andpredetors and it is so much easier for them to fake when you don't see them at work and see them with their boys and see them with their families.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#11 of 11 Old 08-30-2009, 07:12 PM
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I have not read all the replies but I would suggest:

thru friends of friends
gym with childcare
common interest group (i.e. marathon training groups, hiking groups, etc.)

Also when my budget is good I like the concept I found on a single mom site that said to set a date night for yourself every week ---- if single go out to somewhere with men even if it's a bookstore and if in a relationship you can go out with your SO. I like it but you have to include it in the budget to have a sitter.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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