Oh, NO - I'm Pregnant ... And Not Happy About It - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
ARedheadedMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Really long post, sorry! I'm new here. I didn't join JUST to get advice, but I am starting out with this post because I need help or somebody to talk to or something.

I am already a single mom to a 18 month old child. Her father just about literally kicked us out of his house when she was 6 months old as he started to see another woman.

I was kind of hurt and scared for a while, and took time away from men and dating to focus on my daughter, work, and school (finishing up my bachelors).

A little over two months ago I started dating somebody. Really nice guy - always kind and caring, held a nice (real) job, is very good looking, super sweet to my daughter, and has all the wonderful qualities you look for in a person.

I started taking birth control pills (hadn't had a reason to take them since I split with daughter's dad as I was not having sex) and we were "intimate", if YKWIM.

The stupid mini-pills have failed. This early into a relationship. I'm heartbroken, disappointed, and so incredibly angry.

He doesn't know yet. I'm REALLY afraid to tell him, because he's always spoken in favor of abortions in unplanned pregnancies. Several years ago, in college, I had an early medical abortion. And it was one of the most horrible experiences in my life. To this day, I regret it almost every day.

And to make matters worse, last week he found out he'll lose his job in four months due to his company's restructuring. So I know he will on no way support me to actually have this baby.

But I don't think I can do an abortion. I don't want to do this on my own, either. My parents and I live in the same city, but I have a feeling they will want to withdraw out of anger. My mom will be even more ashamed of my out of wedlock pregnancy this time than she was last time.

And I'm just scared sick as to what to do.

Are any of you moms single moms two different times?
ARedheadedMama is offline  
#2 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 02:42 PM
 
sugareemoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Well in spite of all you gained you
Posts: 293
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
hey redheadedmama,
*hug* it sounds like we are in similar boats. i have a 22 mo dd whose dad kicked me to the curb when i was 6 mo preggo. i've been struggling to go back to school and become a nurse. i finally started seeing someone else this summer and just found out i'm knocked up again. well i made the mistake of telling the guy when i found out and he gave me the ultimatum that i should marry him so his child is not a bastard like my daughter! well i'm not good with ultimatums in general but since he had to insult my daughter in the process that didn't turn out to be in his favor. i wish i waited to tell him so i could have guaged his reaction better. i haven't told my parents about this yet. i'm not sure how they would react, we live in different states but i am actually going to visit them before my summer break from school ends.
sorry i couldn't give you any real advice but i will be checking back here because i too need the same advice.
best wishes
sugareemama

Sugaree hippie mama: to one perfect daughter 9/07: one money-pit:
We : we share a:Right now we are: :
sugareemoma is offline  
#3 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 02:43 PM
 
josybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,267
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

that sounds really hard, i'm so sorry. sometimes there are no easy answers.
josybear is offline  
#4 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 02:47 PM
 
organicpapayamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Im so sorry you found yourself in a stressful position. I found myself as a single mom when my husband left me after we found out we were pregnant just a few months after losing our daughter (stillborn). I had also lost my job while pregnant. I seriously thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. Fast forward to today. My DS is now almost 17 months and I am a better person for having gone through what I did. I am so happy with life as a single mom that I am now trying for another child using a bank. The only advice I can tell you about being a single mom of 2 or more kids is that it can be done. women do it everyday all over the world. There will be tough times, as life does weather or not you are a single mom or not, but you will get through it and you will always have your children. Based on your story I feel you are very pro life and want to keep this baby. Do what feels right for you. Be true to yourself and your feelings. If you ever want to chat just pm me. HUGS mama!


BFPChart2.gif

organicpapayamama is offline  
#5 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 04:58 PM
 
NaturalMindedMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,959
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Went through it twice both men losers, both men left or punked out. I love my new DD, but had I known what would have happened I most likely would have terminated the pregnancy.

I'm so sorry sweetie. I am on the mini pill, MENTAL NOTE.. CONDOMS too...

HUGS and WELCOME!
NaturalMindedMomma is offline  
#6 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 05:03 PM
 
RollerCoasterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: the burbs
Posts: 5,286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
I hope you don't mind me offering this additional idea to consider while you're thinking about things. Sounds like you'll be having the baby no matter what. But it didn't sound like you'd decided that you would be raising it for sure.

A young woman in a similar situation made the tough decision to allow my sister and her husband parent her child through an open adoption. She was friends with the father, but they both have other children (each had 2) to raise. They weren't really a couple...just friends that had a little too much to drink one night. Then back to friends.

Both of the birth parents LOOOOOOVE this baby. I can't tell you how much they love her. But they weren't in a place where they could raise her. So they picked a family to raise her. They know their little girl will have everything they want for her and they will still be a part of her life always. If she were their first, I don't think they'd have done it. Even so, we all tip-toed around afraid they'd change their mind. They so clearly loved her before they even met her. But the birth-mom especially was certain she was making the right choice.

I'm not saying you shouldn't raise your own baby! Absolutely do it if you can! But it is an option. I think it's the hardest one that takes the most strength...but it's there.

Please, I hope you don't mind me mentioning it!!! It was just something in the tone of your original post that made me think of the situation my neice's birth mom was in.
RollerCoasterMama is online now  
#7 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 06:43 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
can you get childcare assistance...a breastpump and use cloth diapers and hand-me downs? Just getting through the 1st 5 years is what you need to do. Look into all public assistance. You'll likely qualify for medicaid and wic...maybe hud and school assistance. This is doable! And, you don't have to wait for mr. right to come along to give your daughter a sibling! Even if this guy doesn't want to be involved, he'll have to help support the baby. You won't be alone. Don't let other people's shame become your own. Let the joy of this situation become the predominant feeling. Allow yourself to be excited! Women get thrown into this situation all the time. You're not the first and you won't be the last. Do not be ashamed!

You have the right to make mistakes. YOu have the right to forgive yourself and move on. You have the right to assert your right to make mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#8 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 06:55 PM
 
beckyand3littlemonsters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 3,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sorry your going through this hun

Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
angel.gif 19.05.2012 angel.gif 18.08.2012 angel.gif 24.05.2013 angel.gif 25.6.2013 belly.gif 04.09.2014 uc.jpg

beckyand3littlemonsters is offline  
#9 of 107 Old 08-27-2009, 09:03 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,340
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
no advice...just hugs....s

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#10 of 107 Old 08-28-2009, 06:16 PM
 
RolliePollie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Here and There
Posts: 1,001
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
*hugs* You can do it mama. Look into all the public assistance you can get. You can still go to school! You CAN make it work!

I left my husband last October and stupid me hooked up with him and now I'm pregnant and due in Jan. I also have a 3.5 DS with him. I wasn't happy about being pregnant, but I am a spiritual person who believes that things happen for reason. A child, to me, is a blessing and I'm very fortunate to be able to give DS a sibling. Thinking of it that way has helped a lot. Also, it's OK to ask for help. I have housing assistance, food stamps, medical, tanf, wic... It helps so much and there's no shame in making a better life for yourself and your children.

Also, you don't know for sure how your BF will react until you tell him. My estranged husband was surprisingly excited. Maybe things will work out with us, maybe not. But he acknowledges this is his child too and has been good about sending me money for things (he lives 1800 miles from me at the moment). I was also sure my parents would be disappointed with me but all they did was reassure that this baby on the way was indeed a blessing. Surround yourself with a support system, find other single moms. You can do it!

Nursing bras should not double as birth control!
RolliePollie is offline  
#11 of 107 Old 08-28-2009, 06:24 PM
 
PiesandAbrosmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Leadville CO
Posts: 1,016
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
support and hugs. I don't know what i would do. . .but I also know that maybe it will all work out somehow. I hope for much clarity and peace with whatever decision you make. A beautiful song getting me through right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqZYd2UCfI8

Mama of 4 all born at home : Mothering
PiesandAbrosmama is offline  
#12 of 107 Old 08-28-2009, 06:46 PM
 
~PurityLake~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anchorage, Alaska, US
Posts: 6,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hello RedheadedMama and welcome to mothering.

I am not single, so I don't know if you all want me posting here. I found the thread under new posts.

My first child was 5 months old, breastfeeding on demand and I was on the mini pill when Sophia was conceived, so I have learned that it is not nearly as effective as the medical staff implied. That aside, if you are against abortion for yourself, then heed your own feelings on the matter.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was unmarried. I was living with my mom and didn't tell her I was pregnant until I was 5 months along. She really disliked my boyfriend (now my husband) and I still wasn't showing until I was 7 months old (there are benefits to belly fat ). I was so worried about how I'd disappoint my mother, even though I'd wanted to have children for no less than 11 years at that point in my life. I was scared she would be disappointed, would shun me, would not support me emotionally. I think our fears can often be worse than reality. Yes, my mom was disappointed and she has had no problems expressing her thoughts on this and other matters. She is my mother, and she does love me, but in the end her opinion has no bearing on the choices I make for myself.

As RolliePollie said, you cannot know what the future will bring, you cannot know how others will react to the choices you make. You boyfriend may surprise you when he finds out you are carrying his and your child. When it's your own, it's much different than conversations about hypothetical strangers.

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif
 
 
 
 

~PurityLake~ is offline  
#13 of 107 Old 08-28-2009, 11:46 PM
 
jujyfruitbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 87
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
RHM, I'm so sorry.

For now: You have to tell him. He has decisions to make, too. If he doesn't want to be with you after this, that's his prerogative; but he will be responsible for supporting the baby whether or not he's employed, and you will need to make sure he's held to that obligation. No one forced him to have sex with you.

Make it clear that you do not want to be pressured. Not begged, not pleaded with. That you do not want "discussions" that are actually pressure sessions or debates. If he begins to do this, get up and leave. If he chases you or restrains you, call the police immediately, have him removed, and file a restraining order. He is responsible for having had sex with you. Men who try to blame women for pregnancies are bad news.

If you can't afford -- emotionally, financially, physically -- to raise two children alone without help, and you have no help, then really please consider the open adoption route. You have two other people to take care of, too.

For next time:

No method of birth control is 100% effective except for abstinence. I'm an agnostic and a feminist, but I know that this is true. If you can't stand the idea of an abortion, and you can't afford to have a baby -- don't have intercourse. No penises near your vagina. There are lots of other ways to get off and make love.

Even if you do meet someone and decide another baby would be OK? Use condoms for the first six months at least. You have no idea where that thing's been, and antibodies won't show up for about six months for some STDs. Before you take the lid off, both of you go get tested. Men will do it if you make it a condition of sex. I used to do that all the time and never had a guy say no. You have to stay healthy; you have at least one little one to look after.

Good luck & keep us posted -
jujyfruitbaby is offline  
#14 of 107 Old 08-29-2009, 12:04 AM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,340
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujyfruitbaby View Post
For next time:

No method of birth control is 100% effective except for abstinence. I'm an agnostic and a feminist, but I know that this is true. If you can't stand the idea of an abortion, and you can't afford to have a baby -- don't have intercourse. No penises near your vagina. There are lots of other ways to get off and make love.

Even if you do meet someone and decide another baby would be OK? Use condoms for the first six months at least. You have no idea where that thing's been, and antibodies won't show up for about six months for some STDs. Before you take the lid off, both of you go get tested. Men will do it if you make it a condition of sex. I used to do that all the time and never had a guy say no. You have to stay healthy; you have at least one little one to look after.

Good luck & keep us posted -
Words of wisdom for all of us and worth repeating.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#15 of 107 Old 11-04-2009, 05:37 PM
 
playboymommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm 31, single (recently moved out of the ex's place). Went to a wedding with him, and WHAM, knocked up. He seems to be in la la land, and excited. Me? I'm miserable. I don't believe in abortion, but part of me is tempted to have one. I'm 8 weeks along, and hating every minute of it. I feel so smothered, trapped, angry, etc. You name it, I feel it. I never expected to get pregnant. I always wanted to be a surrogate mom, this way I could experience pregnancy, but not have to have the kid. It just seemed to be a win-win for me. But now I'm pregnant, and it's mine. I hate this. I hate him. I've been begging, pleading with this kid to leave, with no luck. There's always hope, right?
playboymommy is offline  
#16 of 107 Old 11-06-2009, 03:40 AM
 
JustAnotherBrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 73
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
playboymommy - wow. you seem really down about this. there are options, you know? since you seem to want to experience pregnancy, but not have the actual child, maybe you should look into adoption. if you truly do not want to raise a child, then please look into other options rather than be miserable.

hopefully you can find the right path for yourself.
JustAnotherBrick is offline  
#17 of 107 Old 11-06-2009, 01:50 PM
 
Labbemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 1,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
(Hugs) Redheadedmommy,
I just wanted to let you know I had read your post and am wishing you all the best with the tough decisions and road ahead for you.

I can so relate. One time I left my stbx and I found out I was pregnant with Erbear. I had signed up for school and had just got a job and the timing sucked. But I love that girl to pieces and she is so worth it.
Labbemama is offline  
#18 of 107 Old 11-06-2009, 02:17 PM
 
RollerCoasterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: the burbs
Posts: 5,286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick View Post
playboymommy - wow. you seem really down about this. there are options, you know? since you seem to want to experience pregnancy, but not have the actual child, maybe you should look into adoption. if you truly do not want to raise a child, then please look into other options rather than be miserable.

hopefully you can find the right path for yourself.
I second that option. I was going to suggest it when I first saw your post, but since I suggested it earlier, I didn't want to seem like that was the only thing I knew how to say! So many families can't conceive on their own and would be thrilled to have the chance to have a baby. My own sister just adopted this summer. The process is difficult, but as the birth parent, you get to select and interview prospective adoptive parents. And you can get regular pictures and updates. My nieces birth parents have even seen her a couple of times in person since then. They were both in their late 20s/early 30s and had 2 kids each already and just weren't in a position to raise this very loved baby themselves. If you were already comfortable with the idea of a surrogacy, then this is definitely something you could look into. It's hard, but it's a very great gift to a family.
RollerCoasterMama is online now  
#19 of 107 Old 11-06-2009, 02:36 PM
 
Leta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Ishpeming, MI
Posts: 3,602
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I understand if you have completely ruled out abortion for yourself, OP. I have as well, the only real exception being if I were carrying a child doomed to a short, painfilled life, or if the pregnancy would cause me death or extreme illness.

That said, this isn't about me, it's about you. You said you had a medical abortion. I presume that means you took pills/injections and passed the embryo/fetus? That is HARD. Long, painful, emotional. Surgical abortions are quicker, and often not as traumatic for women. I've been through all kinds of terminations (I worked at Planned Parenthood), and this is what I've observed.

Not to push you toward abortion- if you know that's not a good option for you, please ignore what I wrote above. But I just wanted you to know your options.

ITA with the poster who suggested that you look at this pregnancy as a way to give your child a sibling. I hope things go well when you tell your BF. And jugyfruitbaby is exactly right.

Many hugs to you. I'm sending you positive vibes.

Trying to turn hearts and minds toward universal healthcare, one post at a time.
Leta is offline  
#20 of 107 Old 11-12-2009, 12:35 AM
 
smeep's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 2,812
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leta View Post
You said you had a medical abortion. I presume that means you took pills/injections and passed the embryo/fetus? That is HARD. Long, painful, emotional. Surgical abortions are quicker, and often not as traumatic for women. I've been through all kinds of terminations (I worked at Planned Parenthood), and this is what I've observed.
Quick, yes. Not as traumatic....well, that depends on your personal feelings and desires. I had a surgical and if I could do it all over again I would have taken the pill (I was 3 days past their time frame, and I now wish I had gone in earlier or ordered it online). The reason is that my baby was considered a "biohazard" and I was not able to take him home. They let me see him (unidentifiable tissue), but I couldn't take him home. If I could redo it, I would have ordered the pill online or gone in earlier...any way to be able to keep my baby and bury him. But that's me, and everyone is different, but it's worth thinking about. Not being able to take my baby home and give him the respectful parting he deserved (birthed by me and then buried) was more traumatic than had I had a long, painful induced miscarriage.

- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

smeep is offline  
#21 of 107 Old 11-12-2009, 12:59 AM
 
Mizelenius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In Lalaland
Posts: 7,046
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not a single mom, but I thought I'd offer this.

I suggest you make this decision stigma-free, if possible. Let's say that you were married to an amazing man, and, very sadly, you suddenly found yourself a widow with a young child and pregnant with a 2nd. What would you do in that case? I have a feeling that you would be harder pressed to find people suggesting abortion or adoption. I am not at all saying that you should not consider those options, since I feel it is only a decision you can make, but I think you should make the decision w/o regard to HOW you got pregnant, if that makes sense. Take the shame (you mentioned this re: your mom) completely out of the equation.

Whatever you do, know you will survive. It WILL work out.

Many hugs through this!

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

Mizelenius is offline  
#22 of 107 Old 11-15-2009, 01:09 AM
 
Thystle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Update?

Resistance is futile Matey
Thystle is offline  
#23 of 107 Old 11-16-2009, 03:56 AM
 
MG01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 284
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujyfruitbaby View Post

If you can't afford -- emotionally, financially, physically -- to raise two children alone without help, and you have no help, then really please consider the open adoption route. You have two other people to take care of, too.
I don't think anyone can emotionally, physically, and financially "afford" to raise two children alone. It takes a village. I know you added, "and you have no help," but basically, there is help available and people can create and seek out the support they need in many (not all) cases.

That said, if someone really does not feel equipped to and/or want to parent another baby, and does not feel that they can do that and still meet the needs of their existing family and self, then of course adoption is a wonderful option.

Of course, your feelings may progress and change, as this is obviously new and quite a shock, and your boyfriend's reaction will give you some more input (although fathers, and grandparents too, tend to have an initial period of shock/adjustment and then may feel totally differently down the road, as i have experienced-- so not to say his immediate reaction is the one you should accept as being the definitive course of action on his part and his level of involvement/acceptance).

For me, my pregnancy was unplanned/contraception failed, bio father was initially shocked/unhappy and pressuring for an abortion (but we were not in a relationship really, had just known each other for a long time/acquaintances and we wound up in bed), and then was largely uninvolved/detached for the remainder of my pregnancy, and now visits/emails on occasion. I faced a ton of weird reactions in terms of, if you are pro-choice, why aren't you aborting? I didn't commit or decide whether to parent or place for adoption for months of my pregnancy, just knew that I was able and desired to carry the pregnancy to term and birth the baby and either way make sure he was raised by a loving parent or parents in a safe and stable home- win/win. So aside from deciding that i did NOT want or plan to have an abortion, I didn't need to decide right away whether I was able or willing to parent. I am so happy with my choice (I only have one child; it would be very difficult to find myself in this situation again down the road, and I empathize with you ) and the supportive friends, family, and community we have, but I don't think I could have fully come to terms with deciding to parent and all that entailed without making absolutely 100% sure that is what I wanted and what I felt was best for everyone. Since it was not planned, I had to think of those issues after finding out I was expecting, rather than before deciding to conceive, but it was essentially the same process, and i still feel that i fully and completely chose to become a parent in much the same way as if i had intentionally ttc, the timing/process was just a bit different.

i don't know if that makes any sense, but... my main point is that if you know you don't want to abort (and i empathize with that- i don't think i could or would, unless perhaps i knew that, for example, i had been drinking a lot of alcohol or taking medications with teratogenic effects before discovering the pregnancy, or knowing that there was a serious problem that could kill me and/or the baby) then you don't necessarily have to decide what else to do, other than to know that you are going to carry this child, and allow your feelings to evolve.

i say, if anyone tries to pressure you or talk negatively or whatnot, say, i am staying open to my options and focusing on staying healthy, and don't engage. expect that you may have some negative and/or shell-shocked reactions coming from your bf and/or parents, but just be clear that you are considering whether or not to place and that you know you don't want an abortion, end of discussion (if that is indeed your feelings/the route you seem to imply you may be taking- that is at least similar to the position i found myself in, so i feel some of where you are coming from)

and just stress that being pro-choice doesn't, by ANY means, imply that all unplanned pregnancies should be aborted, that is ridiculous. although of course it should be an option and available safely and legally imo- a huge percentage of pregnancies are unplanned, and quite often they wind up with a much loved, much wanted baby parented by their bio mom and/or dad, or an adoption with loving non-genetic parents. i have never had one, but have stood by several friends going through that and seen the toll it takes, it is not an easy thing and knowing how much trauma it caused you and how negatively or ambivalent you feel about it, i think that both experience and intuition are indicators that it is not a good option for you. i too know that aborting a healthy baby that i knew i could (most likely, of course there are no guarantees) safely carry to term and who would have a loving family either way, would have destroyed me.

i am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation, and i wish you peace whatever choices you make. it is a process obviously, i think journaling privately and/or discussing in supportive communties online can be really therapeutic, as can finding an objective therapist or counselor experienced in these issues to discuss things with. i actually worked with a counselor at a free christian/anti-abortion unplanned pregnancy center early in my pregnancy- while i am not christian and am pro-choice, the fact that i had already decided against abortion meant i felt that it would be useful, and it was- i was able to talk with the counselor openly about my needs and feelings and benefit from her experience working with other moms in similar situations. i am sure it is also possible to find a private counselor or psychologist, likely/hopefully covered by health insurance, to help you talk these issues out.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
DS Feb 2009
MG01 is offline  
#24 of 107 Old 11-13-2011, 12:56 AM
 
brittanyxx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I got pregnant at 16 and wasn't happy about it the father broke  up with me when he found out and parents flipped when i told them. i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and a few moths later i found out i was pregnant again with a  different guy and even though we were never really in a relationship he supported me... I'm now 21 engaged and we are expecting a baby boy even though he isnt my 2 girls father he loves them... even i wasn't happy about my first 2 pregnancies i am delighted i kept both babies because they are the best things in the world... so i would keep the baby cos being a mum is fantastic 

brittanyxx is offline  
#25 of 107 Old 11-15-2011, 02:55 PM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

as an adoptee- adoption is very painful for birthmother and child.  Mothers should be encouraged to raise their own children. Hugs!!!!

Talk to many adult adoptees before you plan to put any baby up for adoption or adopt for that matter


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
#26 of 107 Old 11-15-2011, 03:49 PM
 
Mizelenius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In Lalaland
Posts: 7,046
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


If you do want to talk to any, let me know.  I know two very well-- one I am married to and the other a close friend.  For both, adoption has been a part of them but not a painful part.  They are offended by the implication that it has caused them any suffering.  Each person experiences it differently.  I would have thought as Emilie did, that it's a cross to bear, but I am wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

as an adoptee- adoption is very painful for birthmother and child.  Mothers should be encouraged to raise their own children. Hugs!!!!

Talk to many adult adoptees before you plan to put any baby up for adoption or adopt for that matter

 


 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

Mizelenius is offline  
#27 of 107 Old 11-15-2011, 03:58 PM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yes- that's why I put talk to a lot because there are a broad spectrum of experiences and opinions by adoptees none any more valid than the other.


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
#28 of 107 Old 11-16-2011, 05:18 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,548
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

as an adoptee- adoption is very painful for birthmother and child.  Mothers should be encouraged to raise their own children. Hugs!!!!

Talk to many adult adoptees before you plan to put any baby up for adoption or adopt for that matter



You know, I've seen you post this before.  But really, people shouldn't be discouraged from adopting simply because the child may not like the fact that they were adopted. Because if they don't get adopted, they will just linger in foster care or an orphanage for their entire childhood, and then be released from care without any skills or support network (potentially - I know that there are wonderful loving foster families out there, but I'm not entirely sure thats the norm and they definitely shouldn't be expected to continue providing care after a child is of age - but we all know that children require support and parenting after their 18th b-day).  I don't think that growing up in foster care or in an orphanage is in a childs best interest - they need to know that they belong somewhere, and that someone is going to care for them - forever.  Not just until they get moved one more time (or 10 more times), not until they turn 18, not until some finite date.  It is always beneficial to children to have a parent or set of parents who are going to raise them and be there for them always.  Always.  Even if that child doesn't like the fact that they were adopted, even if that causes them pain, it is still good for them to have parents who will always be responsible for them and there to help and support them.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

Yes- that's why I put talk to a lot because there are a broad spectrum of experiences and opinions by adoptees none any more valid than the other.


Yes, this is very true.  But you don't post as though its your experience, you post as though it is fact and true for everyone.

 

DoubleDouble likes this.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#29 of 107 Old 11-16-2011, 05:22 AM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I was not encouraging her to put her child in foster care I was encouraging her to parent her child.  I think it is sooo important that prospective birthmothers know all the possiblities.


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
#30 of 107 Old 11-16-2011, 05:24 AM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh and my thoughts are that prospective adoptive parents should be aware they are not getting a blank slate and that these issues are common so they know what they are getting into ... and so they can educate themselves on how best to help their child. I know my adoptive mother wishes someone had told her so she could have been more aware and helped me and not done some of the things she did if she had known better. THIS is why I speak out about it.


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off