Mothering Forum banner

*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~*

12K views 294 replies 36 participants last post by  attachedmomto3 
#1 ·
I want to kick off this month's discussion with a fundamental question: What are you looking for?

As a mother, as a woman, as a person, what are you looking to discover in your dating adventures? What kind of a friend, what kind of a partner, what sort of affection, and what kind of potential step-parent/blended family scenario would you be open to considering if someone great came along and could offer it?

:

As a mother I need a man I admire and respect and whom I could imagine being a role model for my sons. As a friend he needs to help me relieve the stress of life/family life through laughter, discussion, empathy, compassion. As a person I'm thoughtful and generous and love romance. I love doing little things for others. Or big things. If I ever did have a guy in my life plan something special for me and surprise me with something that really showed he was paying attention to all the little things that makes him the person who really *knows* me and all the meaningless trivia that makes me unique..... I think I'd weep hysterically. And marry him.

Cad seems to want to do anything in his power to make me happy. Sensitive Engineer seems to want to party in Israel for two weeks and forget that I exist and not even send me an SMS in a weeks' time (unless I send one first).

Cad is on his way over right now. I'd better shower and get ready for dinner & a movie.
 
See less See more
1
#227 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by momanderson View Post
Hunting a hunter is hard!! I'm really hoping to get something going there, but on the other hand I don't think I would enjoy just being an option for the week the kids are off, ya know? I want to be someones priority!!
Hmm there are some interesting personalities at play here. I do not think you should completely hold back if that is your true personality however according to a book I read years ago Getting to I Do you may have to adjust the type of men you typically go after or adjust some items in your personality. If you go with the stereo type female energy (as described in Getting To I Do then Why do Men Like Bi**hes is a good book to read)

I am a stereo type female energy and hunting is not hard.... I have never had a man I wanted not elect to "hunt me" when I let it be known that I was vaguely interested! While I don't follow tools from any book to accomplish this I have to admit so many items in Why Do Men Like... were things I did and do naturally. We all have relationship challenges so don't think I am without those. My challenge is timing and knowing when it's best to simply move on. In my core personality I want to be someones priority but somewhere after the chase is done they stop being the ice scrapper and I need someone willing to be that consistently not just during the initial phase.

monkey'smom This is going to sound blunt and I hope it is not the case but when I read this post by you my initial reaction is that he is already otherwise occupied possibly still in a relationship or in a new one, but wants you to fill some empty time by have an online "fling"....


About pursuing men see my comment above to momanderson. If it is natural for you to do the pursuing then you need to be true to yourself but if that is the case you can to also evaluate the type of men you pursuing because not all men will be value that and the right one for you will....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
I'm sick of that. Why shouldn't the guy ever man up and pursue?
that's just where I'm at right now.

My party just ended. SS and SE were here, and SS ignored me. SE didn't, and he's passed out here in my bed. I'll go cuddle up with him and sleep now. There are 6 people sleeping in my home right now!
Men should man up and pursue but you should also be able to both jump in together if you desire. It just has to be the right man. I think the challenge you face is that you don't value you as much as you should. Do you realize how amazing of a person you are? Not on the surface but really deep down. The big change I would consider in your shoes would be to not give away your cookies even if you want to.... they need to earn that privilage. Also I can't help but think that you should stop looking a focus on you... (which I know you do as well) but really come to love yourself and not need/want someone and sometimes that is when they fall from the sky
Hey it can't hurt to try, right..... worst thing that happens is you fall so deeply in love with yourself you realize men are best used for political conversations.

SE sounds sweet!!! Why are we not into him more.... I must have missed that. Tennis Boy and his wife sound like swingers and if that keeps their relationship alive then I won't judge them but it still does not mean it's for you.
 
#228 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by muse View Post
Great question!! Pretty much word for word what Butterflymom wrote..

maturity, empathy, compassion, communication, energy, responsibility, creativity, open heartedness, honesty, joy, thinking outside the box, independence, shared values, shared spiritual beliefs..someone that people meet and just say, "what a great person". someone that believes in me and thinks *I* am a great person. someone that can handle the challenges of parenthood, step parenting, partnership, me..
and of course a deeply shared physical connection.
: if there were a dream list of what I want this would be it!
That said the list quoted below by Holland73 is more pragmatic and where I feel I am at this point!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
I started out with similar lists... all with some variation that has been listed so far. BUT, it just never worked for me. Mainly, because I was comparing a human (in imperfect, flawed being) with an idealized list that was impossible for anyone to fill.

That is when I had my epiphany: I realized that I (me, myself and I) needed to become the person that I wanted to be with as a life partner.

If I wanted someone who was responsible in all aspects of their life... then I needed to be responsible for all aspects of my life.

If I wanted someone who knows how to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully... then I needed to be able to do that.

If I wanted someone to accept and love all of my flaws and foibles... then I needed to be able to accept NOT only my own flaws and foibles, but also those of others.

If I wanted someone that was physically fit/active and dressed nicely, then I needed to also be physically fit/active and dress nicely.

Etc, etc.

So many times I found that I expected more from the men I was dating, then I expected from myself. I expected them to be these idealized, flawless individuals.

Once I let that go and really began to work on becoming the person I would want to spend my life with... that person entered my life. And, we both continue to push each other to become the people we want to be... we just do it together now.
I really struggle with this bolded section. While I do alot of work on myself I still have to be mindful of my idealized expectations of men I consider dating.

I am working on becoming the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am really working on not simply ending things because of my idealized expectations or because of the flaws another person needs to work out. That said this is especially challenging for me because my past track record in relationships shows that I also don't know when / how to cut ties when things are clearly not right for me....
 
#229 ·
Okay ladies since I am sick and layin low I have time to be present on here.... it is both good and bad I wish I was not sick but I do enjoy reading all your updates! Here is an update of my dating world.

Three or four weeks ago The Agent wanted to spend time with me. He asked me last minute and I said I had plans but would meet him after. Since he can't come to my place and I can't come to his at night (due to us both having kids) he asked if he got a hotel room would that be okay so we don't have to eat dinner again or find someplace to hang out. I said sure because admittedly I also don't always want to be at dinner or a bar when I see him..... well he booked a hotel that is only slightly better than a motel and when he sent me the info. via text message I was having fun where I was and had no desire to hang out at a motel
so I stood him up. I did email him and apologize in the next day or so stating I was too intoxicated to drive and meet him but heard no response back. A week or so later I called got voicemail so I left a message he called back (three days later) which I missed but his vm just said "this is agent" click...... I feel bad to have ended things in that tone because we have known eachother and been friendly for 8 years but I also have no desire to feed into his pitty party for me not showing up at a motel.
Next please....

Pretty Boy if any of you recall him and I have been chatting a bit more but I feel frustrated because though he has potential to be a wonderful boyfriend / husband / father he is also the only child of a single mom who allowed him to be the center of her world. Needless to say that is really challenging when I think he needs to cater to my schedule as a single mom. Also he never invites me on dates but to go to parties with him or to hang out in groups
While we are there he is 100% focused on me, pays for everything for me, etc. says he wants a relationship but that he does not "date", does that even make sense? Maybe he is still trying to be a playboy.... I am not taking him serious at all but when I need a night out and my girls aren't going out I am okay with hanging with his crew... but then he should also see that is not the way to get close to me so he might as well save his political views for someone else.

I will have to come back and update about 2ndHusband but so much is going on there and I have so many questions with regard to that situation that I have to really have some time.
 
#230 ·
i like to be pursued...but i also think that i have some problems appearing "closed" to potential people....i have never seemed to be open before someone starts to talk to me. i am not sure how to change that. however if i have any sort of comfort with the person i am a HUGE flirt and totally not on person. i have never even had to poor it on so i also think that i have never tried. makes me wonder what's out there, what i'm missing etc. i'm trying to broaden my horizons but i think i'm gonna have a hard time figureing this out especially right now with so little adult time. anywho my feeling is that if you do feel that you have presented an "open" attitude and aren't getting bites then it's their loss. i will not deal with someone who can't even start a convo or ask for a date for many reasons mostly going to that "i want a REAL man not someone playing one" type of comment.

my kids are at their fathers!
it's the first break i've had in a long time and i hope they are doing ok but i am really happy for the time! they are gone until tomorrow at 10 (left last night at 7:30). RR and I went to a movie (wow it's been soooo long!) and we're going out to cruise on the bike for the day. I kinda feel like i'm "wasting" my time as I could see RR with the kids (can't ride though!) but OTOH I don't really have any prospects right now anyways! I just started my college class (there's a cute looking dude there but you can just TELL he has a bad attitude about stuff but he also looks a little like Edward in twilight) and I really should steer clear of bad boy types!
 
#231 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveOhm View Post
Men should man up and pursue but you should also be able to both jump in together if you desire. It just has to be the right man. I think the challenge you face is that you don't value you as much as you should. Do you realize how amazing of a person you are? Not on the surface but really deep down. The big change I would consider in your shoes would be to not give away your cookies even if you want to.... they need to earn that privilage. Also I can't help but think that you should stop looking a focus on you... (which I know you do as well) but really come to love yourself and not need/want someone and sometimes that is when they fall from the sky
Hey it can't hurt to try, right..... worst thing that happens is you fall so deeply in love with yourself you realize men are best used for political conversations.

SE sounds sweet!!! Why are we not into him more.... I must have missed that. Tennis Boy and his wife sound like swingers and if that keeps their relationship alive then I won't judge them but it still does not mean it's for you.
you are so sweet. You are a very amazing person, as well, and I'm totally with you on how things played out with the Agent and the fall-out. but I have never been on board about him from the beginning. You deserve zazazoom, plain and simple, and that guy is out for getting what *he* wants (you). I'm starting to give up and not look, more out of exhaustion/frustration with the options in this country more than anything else. Sensitive Engineer IS sweet, and he's great, but he just doesn't feel like someone who will end up really being an ice scraper or even interested in a real relationship. I think we will end up friends for a longer term, though, so that's nice. We are getting along really great, and I know he really likes me, it's just.... I think finding a girlfriend is the last thing on his mind and the more i get to know him, the less I could picture us as a couple and him as a 'boyfriend' the way I want a guy to be. He's a boy. In ten years he'd be great. Not now.

I'm going to follow your advice, girlfriend. Tonight I have a date date with an Australian guy. I'll nickname him after tonight's date if it goes well. I call it a date date because he's picking me up at my place and taking me with his car to a restaurant for dinner. Doesn't that sound like a date?? The kind that locals around here don't have a clue about, but this foreign guy seems to. Thank goodness. He's 36, childless/never-married, professional in electrical engineering. Tall, seemingly handsome, plays piano. And no matter how well it goes, cookies staying in the cookie jar. I need to do something different and see what happens, as I'm not satisfied with the results of the past year of being boyfriend-less.
If what your'e doing ain't working, try something different right? The definintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? How many more expressions do I need to spout?
None, actually. I'm already convinced.
 
#232 ·
Butterflymom that does sounds like a date date! Which seem to be fewer even here where I live. Hope the date goes well and I hope whatever changes you make in your approach with men produces results more in line with that you desire. It is never easy to look at yourself and admit something in you needs to change so that is a HUGE step already. You are a gem and any man who cannot see that and want to be your ice scraper is not worthy of you!
 
#233 ·
LoveOhm: I'm glad to see you back. I wouldn't worry about the lame reaction from the Agent. I can't wait to hear the rest of your updates though.

Butterflymom: I hope your date went well. Where's our update?


dhinderliter: Great idea for your weekend off. Hope you enjoyed yourself.

MonkeysMom
: I think cutting back from this one and letting him pursue you or just drop out is a good idea. It doesn't sound like he's interested in making much of a move right now.

Rosehip: Glad things are going well. I hope your date turned out great!
 
#234 ·
PLEASE NO FLAMES, JUST SUPPORTIVE ADVICE AND HUGS DESIRED


So somethings became a little more clear and a little less clear with 2nd Husband.

I had disappeared from him because for almost two months because I was going thru a personal health item and needed the space, then when I was ready to reconnect he was completely MIA. After him being MIA for about two weeks he sends me a text back saying he was in in rehab for three weeks to avoid a DUI. I was OK with this somewhat because in our city they are really strick about driving under the influence and since he goes out alot, drinks often, drives a really nice car and is a young minority, etc. I do expect the police to target him when he is out.... so we reconnected and hung out twice, he and I started to really open up again and we even chatted about being together possibly. He did mentioned that he still had to attend DUI classes once a week I think, but that was it. Fast forward a couple weeks he is back in rehab, I have no clue what triggered it this time........ and I feel completely torn about the whole ordeal.

On one hand I'm happy because when I thought about it beyond the surface level I realize going out to clubs and drinking socially were ways he escaped from his unhappiness. He is such an amazing person but sadly the entire time I have known him he has never had true friends.
Most of the guys / girls around use him because his family is well off and he is well connected, has great access into parties, always guarantees a good time, always pays, etc. I have always held a special place for him and in dealing with him I realized that having an ice scrapper is great if you are also an ice scrapper for them. Since he is someone I love, I want to be supportive of him and if he feels the need to be in rehab to get better than I should be supportive, right? So since he is in phase one (and I know nothing of rehab) he cannot really have outside contact yet but he did send me a quick email asking me to write him which I did.

While I realize people have flaws, and if I want them to accept my flaws (and I have many) then I need to accept theirs but I also wonder is this too big a flaw to accept from someone I was/am considering opening my heart and at some point down the line exposing my dd to?

Him being in rehab and addressing the problem is better than living with this problem everyday on his own right? But for me it means moving even slower in our relationship, just when we were really getting close again. I guess this at least answers some of the challenges he had in opening up... still I am a little heart broken/disappointed that is was not just immaturity that had him going out all the time.
 
#235 ·
Okay I don't know about things with Nemo. I know he wants a relationship and thinks we're already together. I just don't know though. I guess maybe its all moving so fast I'm starting to question it. I hope maybe after him being gone to work this week if we can be alone next weekend without being surrounded by kids and his family it'll relax me. Right now I just feel like I walked into a new marriage or something and I'm not sure I like it. Okay really... he said something about his grandmother wanting to meet me. That's fine but then he said she didn't like me being a bartender. So? Apparently he told her not to worry because it was only for the time being. What? Did I ever say that I wasn't keeping my job? I love bartending. I damn sure am not going to quit working and sit at home to play his little housewife if that's what this boy is thinking. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Its time I had a little talk with this one. He'll be home again this weekend and neither one of us should have the kids so I think we're going to have a little discussion Friday. Great! Another one that is probably getting weeded through. Ugh.
 
#236 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by brittneyscott View Post
he said she didn't like me being a bartender. So? Apparently he told her not to worry because it was only for the time being. What? Did I ever say that I wasn't keeping my job? I love bartending. I damn sure am not going to quit working and sit at home to play his little housewife if that's what this boy is thinking. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Its time I had a little talk with this one. He'll be home again this weekend and neither one of us should have the kids so I think we're going to have a little discussion Friday. Great! Another one that is probably getting weeded through. Ugh.
yeah, that's reallllly icky.
 
#237 ·
Loveohm, many many hugs! You two have been through a lot together. It sounds like he is trying to step up and take responsibility for himself, and supporting him during this time sounds like the right thing to do. Just be sure you are taking care of you as well. I'm sorry about how things turned out with the agent. Just feels icky.

brittney, I hope the convo goes better than expected.

I think Butterfly's date isn't until tommorrow, so we'll have to wait until then to hear the details.

I have a lunch date tomorrow with someone from online. I'm not particularly excited about it, but maybe he'll surprise me?

:
 
#238 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveOhm View Post
While I realize people have flaws, and if I want them to accept my flaws (and I have many) then I need to accept theirs but I also wonder is this too big a flaw to accept from someone I was/am considering opening my heart and at some point down the line exposing my dd to?

Him being in rehab and addressing the problem is better than living with this problem everyday on his own right? But for me it means moving even slower in our relationship, just when we were really getting close again. I guess this at least answers some of the challenges he had in opening up... still I am a little heart broken/disappointed that is was not just immaturity that had him going out all the time.
I think it's a valid choice to be supportive and not give up on it. There may come a time when that's not the case but based on what you wrote it seems fine. I do understand your disappointment though. Take care of yourself.
 
#239 ·
LoveOhm, I think it's the right thing to do to stick around since you've known each other for years and he has so far done nothing destructive in his behavior that you have mentioned knowing about, so no reason to cut ties or anything. I'm
sorry
that you have just found out that someone you care very much for has a pretty tough road to recovery ahead of him. That's rough for him and all of you who love him.
again, hugs.

brittney, I'm not feelin' the love for this Nemo guy either after that last post! Stupid thing to deal with someone's grandmother's feelings after knowing each other for like 2 weeks. sheesh.

holly, where are you at today re: swimming guy's on again/off again pouting about your male friend staying with you? Are you guys going to move the relationship forward despite this rough patch?

My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here?
He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no.
I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.
 
#241 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here?
He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no.
I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.
Is the last added picture of this guy? If it is I would go for a second date!!!
 
#243 ·
Hi girls

Sorry I am not around much these days. Well since I don't really belong anymore then I hope you don't mind me checking in on you from time to time. I don't have the energy to keep up with it all though so - hope its ok.

Butterfly: You really have been at it for a long time - considering all the men you have met with/been connected with in the past year, then really a prince should have revealed himself by now. I wonder if there is something about the way you go about it that you need to change since you aren't meeting the right guys? I wonder if some of the things you actively look for are also very compatible with "players"? (such as tall, handsome hunk or big ego or - well macho things really?) I dont know. I maybe way off so just putting that outthere.

Loveohm: It does sound like you really care about your guy and I agree that if you expect someone else to love you with flaws and all - then you do the same back. Just remember that you can only offer your support. He has to do the hard work and he has to be the one to wish and really work for things to change. If you don't feel him committing to doing that I would consider if maybe it's better to move on.
Not easy when it comes to love though is it. Either you love or you don't - and if you do then making rational decisions is almost impossible. I hope you two end up together though. It sounds like love to me


Here - still with my sweet BF. We have our disagreements about our future together. We still dont seem to be able to get to an agreement about whether to one day have children together or not. That pains me a lot. But apart from that I am even more in love than I was. I am really obsessive - sometimes worrying if it is too much. He is always so CALM - it can drive me nuts cause I am always good for drama. In some ways it's good - in some ways it's - hard. I cant leave my hands off of him - not even when he needs to sleep. He is really sweet about it - calm as always. But argh..

Hugs all around.. gotta run..
 
#244 ·
brittneyscott I don't know much about Nemo but if it's going to fast then you can slow it down. The Agent also forced a "relationship" before it was time and in hindsight I think it's best to slow things down as soon as you see they are moving too quickly because once you go along with it that opens a door for them to take that as an okay to run even faster.

While you and others seems bothered by the bartender comment I see a different picture. Bartending is often thought of as a transitional or in the mean time job not as a long term career. I personally would not want my boyfriend to be away at night without it being for a larger goal of his at the end (i.e. he is bartending while going thru school or pursuing his acting dreams, etc.) Does that make sense? Then there is the insecurity in the lifestyle that goes on when people are drinking..... I did not take the conversation he had with his grandmother to mean you would be at home having babies (which is not a bad thing either if you want that down the road after knowing him quite a but longer) but to mean that bartending is something you are doing for now and that perhaps he is open to being supportive of whatever career or life plans you desire in the future.

One last thought on that topic if he were 100% okay with you being in a bar each night that would make me wonder about him.... pimps are supportive of their women being objectified (sorry but even if you are fully clothed a beautiful female bartender + drunk men can lead those men to looking at you in a sexual way). Most men I know are selfish and want their women to themselves further a good man should want to protect you and I can see why someone might want to protect their girlfriend who is a bartender. Is that not actually a sweet sentiment, even if you disagree?

sugarmoon thanks for the support I am taking care of myself and just being there for him, writing him, etc. and only as a friend, for now. Keep us updated on this lunch date today!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
I think it's a valid choice to be supportive and not give up on it. There may come a time when that's not the case but based on what you wrote it seems fine. I do understand your disappointment though. Take care of yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
LoveOhm, I think it's the right thing to do to stick around since you've known each other for years and he has so far done nothing destructive in his behavior that you have mentioned knowing about, so no reason to cut ties or anything. I'm
sorry
that you have just found out that someone you care very much for has a pretty tough road to recovery ahead of him. That's rough for him and all of you who love him.
again, hugs.
Thanks DanishMom and Butterflymom I do really appreciate the understanding and you are right there may come a time when I change my mind but for now it seems like the right thing to do! No I do not know of anything destructive in his behavior but that hard part is not knowing "why" he is there or "why" he has a reason to be unhappy. Yes, I see the lack of quality friends, I see that people use him and don't value him but he has all the keys to his own happiness. He has a BA degree from a good university, has a law degree, has family connections, has start up funds for his own biz if he approached his family with a good business plan, is incredibly caring / sweet, etc. I don't see what he has to be unhappy about that he could not address on his own without the need for false happiness in the club or with insincere friends. I guess I just want to know the why as well as what triggered him to get help. Is it to avoid a DUI is he taking this seriously if that's the case? I have alot of questions but from what I have read on addiction and recovery I should not ask those questions yet.... it can be too pressuring on the addict especially while they are fragile which is why the rehab center is not allowing phone calls, emails, etc. in this initial phase..... It is just tough because I do care, I want to know why so I can try to be supportive at that root than just on the surface.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here?
He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no.
I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.
Do you think perhaps you are just feeling unhappy with dating in general? You don't have he zest from the outset it seems lately. He is nice looking, sounds like the date had potential. Can you be picking him apart looking for the bad because you are being guarded? Or he might just not be the one....
 
#245 ·
Just read my post before and wanted to add to Butterflymom: That came out a bit wrong maybe. What I mean is - you are a great lady and deserve the best. I just think its weird that so many of the men you have met have turned out to be - well not good enough for you. That was what made me wonder. Or maybe I am just prejudice about goodlooking, tall, intelligent men
Loveohm may have a point. Maybe you have just reached a point of dating overload? Thinking about you
 
#246 ·
Seie I agree with you about Butterflymom but also want to note that she has already several times in the past few pagges of this thread reveled that she sees this herself. I could be wrong but I feel where she is at now is along the lines of "What do I do differently?" "What items in my appraoch to dating should I change?" and to me at least it seems she is full open for suggestions.

On a side note and not to completely be Dr. Phil on you ladies (especially Butterflymom and this is not all directed at Seie) but I was quick to judge a fellow IRL single mom and her choices to be in the club, partying, drinking and jumping into bed to quickly with what I feel are too many men. Further, I feared she might do something to loose primary custody of her daughter like drinking and driving which she was doing EOW when her dd was away..... as I got to know her just a little more I found out the actions I judged where her way of coping with the time her dd was away from her. Yes she did want a new partner but in the approach to dating she was only filling a void left from her daughter being gone. Sometimes it's not just the appraoch to a situation on the surface level but all the other items affecting that from beyond the surface.
 
#247 ·
Seie: Its good to see you back. I like having you come in and post even if you don't having dating updates and its just to give us an opinion.

Butterfly: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your date more. I think maybe a break from dating is a good idea right now so you can clear your head. Maybe you need to rethink want you want and are looking for so you can have better luck. I think I definitely need to clear my head here lately.

LoveOhm: I think you sticking it out right now is the best thing. You sound very dedicated and hopefully that dedication will pay off. I can understand having concern over what is going on and why he is there but if he is voluntarily there than that is a good sign. Maybe he'll be more willing to work on whatever issues he has that way and you can have a better relationship because of it.

As for here I can see your point with the bartender comment. I know a lot of people only bartend for short periods of time and I see the major turn over we have but I love my job. Its crazy sometimes but I really enjoy it. I've been doing this for 5yrs and honestly I still love it. I am in school though so maybe there is some confusion about that? I need to talk to him about it because it is possible he thought I was just doing this while I'm in school and doesn't realize I may end up staying anyways. I think maybe I'm just being defensive about my independence. Honestly a mutual friend said something the other day about me needing to "find a good man" so I don't have to worry about working so much and can stay home with the kids. Then the friend starts saying how great Nemo is blah blah blah. So I think I was just defensive after that. I felt like my independence was being challenged or something. I'm going to talk to him about it before I go making any decisions over the comment. We'll see what happens.
 
#248 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Here - still with my sweet BF. We have our disagreements about our future together. We still dont seem to be able to get to an agreement about whether to one day have children together or not. That pains me a lot. But apart from that I am even more in love than I was. I am really obsessive - sometimes worrying if it is too much. He is always so CALM - it can drive me nuts cause I am always good for drama. In some ways it's good - in some ways it's - hard. I cant leave my hands off of him - not even when he needs to sleep. He is really sweet about it - calm as always. But argh..

Hugs all around.. gotta run..
I am happy you and your BF and still working at it. I understand the calm being a little batty for you. I have a family member like that.
 
#249 ·
brittneyscott,

Nemo might have told his grandmother about your profession, and as she's from a different generation (where women who worked in bars were not the type men committed to or married) he might had said that to ease her mind about you bartending. If you haven't met the grandmother yet, maybe he doesn,t want her to have made up her mind she doesn,t like you before she actually meets you. Talk to him about it. Let him know how important bartending is to you.
 
#250 ·
Ok, ladies. I've met someone and it's very serious! We met this weekend and spent all the time together on saturday and sunday talking and talking and a bit of kissing.

I'm really blown away by this guy and he feels the same. He is a great person and I don't think I've ever met a man that I felt was a great person. There are no red flags, no doubts, no flaws. He is the guy with the icescraper and has proved to be already. I'm happy


He is completly in love with me already and there is nothing scarry about it. It's such a calm and happy feeling compared to the men I've been in love with before who all had some minor red flags (turned into bigger ones of course) rigth from the start.
 
#251 ·
Butterfly - If there's anything I learned from the experience of my AWFUL marriage, and also learning from the mistakes and successes of my friends' relationships, it's that considerate and well-mannered can easily trump exciting and sexy. Actually, at this point in my life. considerate and stable seem pretty darn sexy. I'd definitely give this gentleman at least one more try!

DanishMom - woohoo! Keep us posted.

Britney
- I'd just be upfront about your career/school plans and goals.

LoveOhm - take what you want from this, leave the rest. I have been in relationship with a recovering alcoholic. It did not work out, and it was really bad for him. We both thought that I could have my life (socializing with alcohol involved) and he would not join b/c being in those situations was a trigger. But that really wasn't workable. As we became closer, we didn't want to have these separate lives. I was not willing to give up my friends, or only socialize with them at dry events. I became a bit of a substitute addiction/obsession (this is not uncommon with recovery - meetings can also become a replacement). Ultimately, he ended up relapsing. In AA, new romantic relationships are very strongly discouraged for quite some time. I'm not totally sure if you're just friends or more, or somewhere in between - forgive me. This thread moves so fast! I would assume that if he's in a rehab program, there's a very good reason for it. Very few non-addicts end up in rehab. Consider the changes that he will likely need to make if he's serious about staying sober - no more party life. If that was a mainstay of your time together, that means giving it up. I am not at all saying you need to cut him off. Just proceed with caution. I have quite a few loved ones who are either active addicts or in recovery. It's not something that *you* can fix. You can be supportive, but also keep your boundaries, and don't feel that you are responsible for his success or lack thereof. He is. Also, addicts/alcoholics can be VERY high functioning. In fact, high-functioning alcoholics are often less likely to "hit bottom" and manage to continue drinking for decades. As I said, take what you will from this. NO flames at all!

Seie
- I hope you can come to agreement on the child issue!

Sugarmoon - How did it go?

As for me - I had my third date with my guy (I really need a nickname). It was nice, and I really like him! He's, how shall I say it, very old fashioned in a certain way - things will move s-l-o-w-l-y. I first thought that would be boring or weird, but honestly, it's really nice. I feel this really nice absence of pressure. I'm enjoying getting to know him. He's fun, in terms of suggesting things to do, and refreshingly straightforward. He seems very kind. He's also much more of my peer than my X was. I think our values are pretty similar too. I have no idea if this will turn into something serious - we both have our own fairly complicated lives in terms of kids & custody - but I'm having a lot of fun right now.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top