*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~* - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 295 Old 10-03-2009, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad Mama Jama View Post
I am not going to settle. I will die old and alone before I settle.
I'll settle before I get old. I'll settle for my best friend who is the best man I've ever known. We don't have sparks/chemistry, I don't currently long to kiss him or get physically intimate, but he's like family to me and I'd be honored to share my life with him, if at a certain point I give up on fireworks and just want an amazing person whom I adore on most every level. Then I'll try like hell to get the zing/zaazaazoom into the relationship. But I'm giving it 10+ years before I do that. He'll likely be taken by then. 'tis life....
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#62 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 12:08 AM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
So many times I found that I expected more from the men I was dating, then I expected from myself. I expected them to be these idealized, flawless individuals.

Once I let that go and really began to work on becoming the person I would want to spend my life with... that person entered my life. And, we both continue to push each other to become the people we want to be... we just do it together now.
Beautiful!!!
muse is offline  
#63 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 12:30 AM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Woah, it's really hard to keep up here.

butterflymom, *please* tell us you are going to run from this guy ASAP...

I had a good conversation with my mom today about Chicago Guy and identified that on top of the amazing connection I feel what is so fantastic and such a relief and how he takes 100% responsibility for himself and his feelings in our conversations. This after an emotionally unaware, co-dependent, passive aggressive husband...

More telepathy today. Lay on the dentists chair getting a cleaning and thinking, hmm, i haven't been kissed in 1.5 yrs! Started thinking about CG and literally the minute I walked out of the dentist office, he sent a text message: "life is precious, U R 2." the man is a big cheeseball and i love it!

Body image stuff: I have lost quite a bit of weight the past 6 months thanks to Jillian Michaels DVD's. She rocks. And also jogging a few days a week. I'm a size 6 again for the first time in 8 yrs. More important than that I FEEL great, so much more energetic and alive.

But the tummy..the poochy stretch mark tummy that will probably never go away. Hmm. And worse is how my face has aged, wrinkles galore, and I lots hair due to stress and it's so so thin now....oh well. nothing I can do about any of that besides take better care of myself. I got down about it this week, but I think i was just sleep deprived. Rigth now I'm more rested and feel better and look better.

CG asked me what color my eyes are, and I said oh yeah you can't see in those photos, and made a comment about why I wouldn't send him any close ups..he went quiet for a second and then said in a very strong voice, "m, you are *beautiful*." Sweetness. I think he picked up on my insecurity and responded in the sweetest way. Aah. Feeling slightly less nervous about meeting in real life, and actually feelign like I want to meet sooner rather than later. But location? Here? There? Neutral place? How do you *do* this stuff, long distance???
muse is offline  
#64 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 09:09 AM
 
brittneyscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh man ya'll have been busy posting while I was gone! I just got off work after 15hrs straight!!! I'm dead on my feet right now and not really sure what I'm saying here so bear with me . I can't possibly respond to all this now so I'll give my little update and catch up with you girls later.

I went to see Country Cutie last night after work and stayed there. He was so sweet. I was exhausted from work and hungry because I'd been working over 12 hrs and nothing was open when I got off work. He fixed me food and tucked blankets around me when I passed out after eating. No funny business nothing just being sweet taking care of me. He's such a sweetheart but I'm really not sure I feel the zazazoom here. I feel horrible about it but I just don't *want* him that bad. He's cute, sweet, and fun to be around but I don't feel the sparks. I'm still talking to him but I'm going to have to be careful with this one. I don't want him getting more involved in this than I am if I'm not going to want to be with him and I don't think I can do that without the sparks. If I wanted to settle I'd have stayed married. Okay off to bed for me now. I'll catch up on the rest later.
brittneyscott is offline  
#65 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 11:32 AM
 
crazyeight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
muse~ for the hair loss try some saw palmetto. my mom was/is? using it and i haven't asked lately if it helped but at first she said it was. its actually prostate health for men but supposed to help regrow hair (head only! hehe) in women but only half the dose daily needed?
crazyeight is offline  
#66 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 12:06 PM
 
eewieew's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: bmore hon
Posts: 964
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


It's been a few months since I checked in with you ladies so I figured I'd drop in and say hello. Glad to see all of the old faces, and welcome to the new ones!

What are you looking for?

Hmm...what am I looking for? I don't think I know the answer to that, but I certainly have not found it. The upside is that I've added to the database of what I DON'T want, and that's always a good thing. Mostly just a partner, and I'm flexible on the other details.

But in all honesty, I'm not looking anymore. It's interesting what happens when you stop. I'll explain.

Many of you are familiar with my year-plus saga with Trumpeter. That we had some weird attraction. That he was the first man I danced with after the birth of my daughter. I kept putting myself out there and nothing really came of it after our night of dancing, so I let it go, and went about doing my thing. Got really busy, doing freelance work, getting myself back into school, and generally becoming obsessed with kissing and squeezing my baby girl. Also started dancing with a few different men very casually, which did wonders for me mentally.

A few weeks ago, he contacted me out of the blue and wanted to talk. I guess our whole dynamic has shifted because for once, he was the one asking me when we could hang out, telling me how much he respects and admires me. He's dating someone but ranks me in the top 3 of people he wants to be around. Ditched the girl and told her that he wanted to spend time alone with me because he felt like I needed to talk.

Our relationship is now platonic but it's extremely intimate on other levels - we share things, deep things, and we sort of just "get" each other, and that's what I need right now. I can dance whenever I want, but emotional intimacy; that deep connection that really nurtures and sustains me, is not something that comes often or easily.

I really don't talk to Donor much except for when it involves the baby, which is just fine with me. We got really close for awhile but all that did was fuel my feelings for him, leading to deep sadness, which was making it impossible for me to move on.

Took EEW on vacation a few weeks ago; her first trip to the beach! Donor came for a night, and after we put her to bed, we left my Mom in charge and sat out on the beach, looking at the stars and talking. I was intensely satisfied to have him tell me that he's envious of my life - how I've taken to motherhood, how I'm doing all of these things to better our situation and myself as a whole, how I've been stepping out with such interesting and accomplished men. How nothing makes him happy or motivates him in his own life - that he's just "phoning it in" and the only thing that gets him out of bed is EEW.

So I consider myself pretty lucky. I have two men in my life with whom I share a deep, intense, emotional relationship without the complications of a sexual one. I have dancing partners too insignificant to mention here, that address my physical needs when they arise. I have an involved ex who will do anything he can to keep us happy and safe, within reason. I have a fantastic network of babysitters to help me out so I can still be in touch with my independent self. And I have attainable goals and the desire to achieve them.

Oh, and not to mention my ridiculously awesome, adorable little mess of a seven month old. She's pretty cool too.

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
eewieew is offline  
#67 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 07:35 PM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,389
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey all.

I'm a bit of a mess this week...

I'm just mopey. I think I posted earlier about running into Complications in the grocery store, which has really rattled me, and left me REALLY wanting to contact him. I haven't done it yet, but I might, because really, I'm at the nothing left to lose phase. I doubt anything would come of it, but I think I might feel better if I got to speak my piece. Or, then again, I might feel like a total tool, to put it out there, and be ignored. Opinions?

As most of you don't know, my ex and I had gotten back on the merry-go-round, so to speak, starting in August. He helped me move (which I was really not sure about, and as it turns out, I should have listened to my gut and turned down his offer to help) and the day was good. After my other helpers left, and the kids were in bed, he and I sat down to talk, and...

I pretty quickly realized that it wasn't the direction I wanted to move -- we've done a few sessions of couples counseling, and I've been flabbergasted at the depth of our complete miscommunications. We don't understand each other when we're talking about even the most mundane things. While I have no doubt that with extensive counseling, and lots of effort, we could learn to communicate better, I have very little interest in working on it -- I want to be with someone who *gets* me. I mean, I expect everyone will have miscommunications at times, but there should be some fundamental understanding, yk?

Anyway. I feel like I'm back at square one, in a lot of ways. I'm re-detaching myself from xh and his emotional manipulation, I'm mourning the loss of my friendship (and the potential for more) with Complications, and I'm overwhelmed by the details of life.

As to Butterfly's question of time. I say I don't have time. I don't. If someone amazing fell into my life, it *would* energize me, but I really don't have time. I have my kids every night of the week. Theoretically, they spend Sunday's with xh, but today I had only 5 hrs off, which I spent at Old Navy buying socks and underwear and things for the kids, and then xh called needing me to take my youngest back (yes, I could have said no. I didn't b/c I care about my kids and picking up my youngest right then was the best thing for all the kids -- saved my xh from having to deal with the fallout of his screw-ups, but was the right thing to do for the kids so....)

So I don't have time to date. I could do once a week, daytime and weekend evenings at my house, and maybe an occasional evening where I got a sitter. But really? I don't want to mix my dating life and my kids until I'm sure of someone (in a fundamental way, not a marriage way, if you follow), but I just don't have the time to get to know someone that way *without* involving the kids.

And, there is a lot of what Holland wrote about that rings true for me. I need to have the time to myself, to focus on myself, learn to put myself first, and really be sure of myself before I put myself out there.

Then again, there is also truth to the fact that feeling like I"m "out there" encourages me to take care of myself, my appearance, how I carry myself, etc, which is good for me.

I'm trying to find the happy middle.

Thanks for reading, if you made it. I still don't have internet at home -- hopefully I will, after tommorrow. I miss keeping up with everyone!
sugarmoon is offline  
#68 of 295 Old 10-04-2009, 08:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've missed you two on this thread. Thanks for the informative updates.


eewieew, I love your update. I'm so proud of you.
sugarmoon, I'm sorry you're not feeling fab. I'm sorry things have been so confusing the past couple of months with your ex. I'm sorry about Complications and I am SO RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. Every couple (2-6) months I seem to not be able to stop myself and throw some form of communication towards Vanishing Guy in Brussels. Like... last night.






I don't know why I did that. I justified it to myself that last time we talked on the phone (was it 7 weeks ago? ) he asked for an update on my life and I wouldn't give it to him, telling him that if we had an ongoing friendship of any sort, I'd be happy to confide in him but since the rules with his girlfriend are that we don't know each other -period- then I didn't want to discuss it with him the way things currently are. And reminded him that my offer of friendship is not going to expire if things are someday different and he wants it. Last night I missed him so badly I texted him an update on my life and at the end put that I just inexplicably felt like clueing him in and no response was needed.

None was received. Do I feel like a tool, sugarmoon? No. I'm proud of the way I'm behaving, weirdly. Not sure why, just feel like my heart is in the right place and I've done everything right, somehow. Am I blithely and blindly arrogant where I shouldn't be? Dunno..... Maybe. But it's just my gut feeling. I trust that gut of mine.


Cad is done, out.

I was at a karaoke bar tonight and a 21 year old boy chatted me up and when he finally worked up the courage to tell me that I'm gorgeous and ask me out and I turned him down he was like, "Because of my AGE?! Argh!" as if it's unreasonable that I wouldn't wanna date a 21 year old student. And he kept insisting and I kept insisting I needed to leave and he was like, "But I like you so much" and I tried to be honest but kind and finally he blurted out, "But you're amazing, I just love you!" And I actually giggled and patted his cheek and left at that one. In one week I've had two men use the L word on me, both absolutely fruitcakes/inappropriate in every way. Hey, that's my luck right now. I haven't had a man use the L word in 13-14 months and then suddenly in a few days time, two use it and neither of them appropriate senders of the sentiment. sigh!

I um... saw Magic Wand tonight. And his girlfriend. He's going to perform magic and a seance at my haunted halloween party in three weeks. I don't know if she'll make it. She really likes me. I soooooo don't wanna get involved in a poly romance. But he's amazing. Maybe because I know he's not really single? Do I wanna break them up? : <---there's me lurking and watching MYSELF to see what I do next because i have no clue. On some level I'm tempted to steal him away from their open relationship into a closed relationship with me, just to see if I can. On some level I want to do it because I really like him. And on some level I just think they are awesome and want to leave them the heck alone. And on some level I am bored with this paragraph and will now cease typing.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#69 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 09:51 AM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,389
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks for the love, butterfly! I'm interested to hear about how you feel good about your communications with vanishing guy. That's sort of where I'm at. I feel like maybe my angst is coming from feeling like I *can't* communicate with him, that I'm following the rules of a game that I DON"T WANT TO PLAY. Maybe I'll feel more authentically like myself if I just say 'screw it' and write to him?

anyway. I do feel like I need to find the time to go out, have some fun, meet some new people.....

Holly, I ran into Jay, the hot bartender, in the grocery store last night -- I was surprised he recognized me, but he did, and we chatted a bit, which was nice. Less as a possible romance (a good friend of mine is good friends with his ex, and I'm not sure he did right by her, which matters, A LOT to me) but as a new friend, someone else walking on the same road I'm on..

alright. I gotta go home and see if hte internet installer guys will acutallyl show up today!
sugarmoon is offline  
#70 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 12:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well here it is: I have lately been in touch with three of the men I've met this year who have let me know that as gorgeous and fun as they find me, they are just not looking for a serious relationship so if I'm cool with 'fun only' then they are too.

Updates on those three men:

Clark Kent: I ran into him just about 4-6 weeks after we had gone out twice and he had expressed serious interest in me as a woman, zero interest in having a girlfriend at that time in his life (corporate attorney, working crazy hours just about to make partner)..... he was with a woman. Now it's three months (a little more) than when we went out on those two dates and he was so emphatic about how he needs to just stay single at this time in his life but wouldn't mind seeing me, as long as I didn't expect any commitments. I contacted him through Are You Interested on Facebook and I asked him if he was single and he said "no, not anymore."

You may also remember Pretty Fisherman: he is tall and gorgeous and 27 and a student finishing his degree. Not really smart enough for me. Loves to watch TV. not read. meh. But he told me during our first date (in middle of first kiss) that he does NOT want to have a girlfriend anytime soon, just recently out of a 7 year relationship that ended badly with her cheating on him. He was telling the truth. These days we are friends and I know he's spending his time with friends / studying and not seeking a girlfriend. Nice dude.

And remember the February-May player in my life, Smoothie? (Smooth and Witty, that is) Well.... he and I stopped doing whatever we were doing in May, late May. I ran into him in August and invited him and his friends to my birthday party and at the beginning of September he responded that he isn't single anymore, he and his girlfriend are living together with her kids. I'm now friends with a couple of his friends that I met through him who think i'm the bomb, and they confess to me that it's a bit weird that within like 6-8 weeks of knowing this woman, they had moved in together.


What have we learned, class? I think I've learned that probably when a guy tells me that he enjoys having fun with me or wants to have fun with me, but isn't looking for anything super serious, it means he can't imagine our lives blending together, and he can't imagine falling in love with me and altering his lifestyle on my account, but sex is fine with him. The term MILF is so common for a reason. What about Mom I'd Like to Marry? Never heard of a MILM, have you? I think I'd like to be a MILL to someone. a Mom they'd Like to Love. At least Pretty Fisherman didn't seem to be lying to me, or altering the truth to suit his purposes, but then again who knows. Maybe his 'right person' hasn't come along yet but he'd be partnered and settled down also if she had. :

It's not a negative thing, I don't mean to mope or complain. If the guy doesn't look at me and find "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" (or how the song goes...) and think that I'd make a great *everything* in his life, then I want him to keep moving. Honesty rules.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#71 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 12:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I used to think to myself, "How can some men possibly dally around with a single mother and then just walk away blithely?" because how mean is it to intentionally play games with a mama who has maybe gone through a divorce already and has dealt with a lot and has to stay strong for her kids? It just seemed so evil, so unfathomable, that player type guys would play with us, or at least the ones of us who are in quite less-than-ideal situations (and in my case, even one could say a crisis situation ).

Then it hit me. With a guy around my age, he sees how tough/strong/mature I am, what a devoted mother I am, how I will persevere major traumas and trials and not let it break me, and feels weak in comparison. And it doesn't even dawn on him that if he and I have fun for a finite period, and he isn't there later on, that it'll even phase me, in comparison with other stuff I've gone through.

I think some men must see single moms as 'tougher' and 'more able to handle things' if the play/relationship is fleeting and they wander off to other pastures, because they see that we have other major commitments (our kids), other disappointments we've already handled relatively well, and that whatever happens with some dating with them, will pale in comparison with the other priorities in our lives, and we won't even register it or something. Or maybe more to the point, they think that if they get caught up in a romance with us and it fizzles, we don't have the luxury of chasing after them, causing scenes, stalking them, calling all the time, or otherwise making it a sticky exit for them. Probably a 21 year old who might have never fallen in love before will create much more drama at the end of things, for such a guy, and he's learned that the grown up women, the tough single mamas, especially divorced ones, are not gonna cause a lot of noise about being loved/left since we don't really have the luxury of putting our own heartbreak first anyway (they'll tell themsevles it's because we don't even really mind, we have our kids to love, bigger goals, more important priorities in life, etc) and acting nuts and creating drama for them at the end.

Just my sudden thoughts. You guys think I'm nuts and just hatin' on men right now?
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#72 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 12:51 PM
 
brittneyscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Interesting. I think Brady was pretty much doing the same thing. I was fun to be around and he sure didn't mind a fling but a relationship was not in the options. It would have been nice if he'd have let me know that instead of doing things the way he did but I guess that's just how some men are. Oh well. I'm sure there's another one out there somewhere that can give me those kinds of sparks and would want to stay around...
brittneyscott is offline  
#73 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Oh the Irony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: grateful for truth
Posts: 3,670
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


Just my sudden thoughts. You guys think I'm nuts and just hatin' on men right now?
I don't think they are all that conscious really.

I think looking at your role in it is important as well...why are you picking players? How could you improve your screening process? Not to go all drphil on ya, but if it isn't working, what can you do differently? Are the same actions going to get different results if you see a pattern here? (And believe me, I ask myself these questions. My only relationship post-d was an unmitigated disaster. In some ways I think I picked it because it was "safe" in a weird way--I knew I wouldn't commit to him.)

And this is said gently, but aren't you kind of being a player too? When you talk about trying to steal some guy from a girlfriend to see if you can (which is very hard for me to even read) --that's a player move.
Oh the Irony is offline  
#74 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 05:07 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love your post Irony.

My current relationship sure opened my eyes to what I've experienced and the patterns I had in my previous relationships. I have always ended up with people that couldn't really commit and in a weird way, that was safe for me. It was safe because I could say it was 'them' who couldn't commit...when in reality, it was me too.

It was only when I met my current bf, that I realized..."Hey...this has the potential to really be something. He's available and interested...and to be honest it scared the crap out of me. In fact, it scared me so much, I broke up with him (for less than a day...but still).

I took a long hard look at myself and realized that what I had been putting out there all these years was exactly a match to what I was getting back. I was scared of something real, scared of the real commitment and as such, chose people who could never really quite commit 100%. I was 'safe' in those relationships and could legitimately use 'them' as the reason instead of really looking at myself and seeing what was going on.

Becoming aware of this really helped me. There were a few times over the next few months, where I'd feel the fear and then work through it...and I feel pleased at myself for doing it. We've been creating a really wonderful relationship together now for 6 months and it feels good to see that I'm finally getting what I've been saying I wanted in a relationship.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#75 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 05:12 PM
 
Hollycrand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 1,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sugarmoon,

Ah Hot Bartender from the Black Door.....sigh....
Nice that he's a nice enough guy to recognise ladies.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

Hollycrand is offline  
#76 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 07:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe I'm playing around with people, and honestly so, as I wait for the right guy to come along. Does that mean my radar is not widely open to notice someone fabulous if he comes along? I DON'T THINK SO. I know it's not players I seek because when it's clear that they aren't reeling anything serious, I move on. I was very attracted to clark kent but ended things immediately because he wanted no-strings-attached fun. With smoothie I just took him at face value. With pretty fisherman, I morphed him into my friend-only, quite seamlessly. I think I'm weeding through quite methodically as I wait to find someone I could feel as strongly for as I did with Vanishig Guy in Brussels.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#77 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 08:03 PM
 
Rosehip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I like your thoughts Irony - I've spent quite a while trying to figure out why I married X and why, previous to him, I dated a guy who had a lot of similar (crappy) characteristics. Dating was always nerve-wracking for me, and so I kind of avoided meeting men, putting myself out there, asking friends for leads, etc. So I ended up with these weird, and frankly not very nice guys because they were the ones who agressively pursued me, and I just kind of relented, and ended up with them. And I was miserable. But the nicer guys, who had real relationship skills just weren't going to hunt me down when I was being so antisocial.

So, now I'm trying to put myself out there. It is still nerve-wracking, and I haven't even had a date! I'm not having too much luck w/the online dating. One guy fizzled before we got to coffee. I have a date scheduled on Thursday with another, but he emailed me back saying "let's talk to confirm on Thursday morning." Huh? Does that mean he might bail? The other guys have been unappealing for a variety of reason - one was married and looking for discrete fun (get out of here creep), a couple who had no photo or much info on their profiles, one who seemed to be in recovery (BTDT and don't want to go there again - dating someone in recovery that is), and so forth...

I'm guessing that having kids is a significant deterrent to a lot of guys.

Sugarmoon I understand about no time - I really, really want to date, but also have very little time. I'm in school f/t, have the kids f/t, and can't rely on X to take the kids on any regular schedule - he visits when it suits his whim.
Rosehip is offline  
#78 of 295 Old 10-05-2009, 10:58 PM
 
Oh the Irony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: grateful for truth
Posts: 3,670
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
I was scared of something real, scared of the real commitment and as such, chose people who could never really quite commit 100%. I was 'safe' in those relationships and could legitimately use 'them' as the reason instead of really looking at myself and seeing what was going on.
Yes, I see my fear. I know part of my current non-dating is fear. Some of it is also common sense though--I don't want the complexity of any sort of blended family now or the complications that can come with it.

Time is also an issue as has been discussed some. I have time for dating but a *real* relationship not so much. When I did date the unmitigated disaster, it was like my life had to be compressed into less and less time which was quite stressful for me. I did have some memorable good times with him but he wanted to be my second priority and that just wasn't realistic to my life and life goals. There were several things though that were not working that I didn't want to try and make them work... If it had really been the right guy then fear, and perhaps time, wouldn't have been as much of an issue.

I was partnered for 15 years and didn't have trust or commitment issues before so it feels strange now. I felt really good before I started dating but then found more layers that I couldn't see without a mirror.

And yeah, I'm doing what Holland was saying-- cultivating qualities and habits that I need to work on--emotional maturity, boundaries, financial security, fitness, joy and more.

A part of me that I am just starting to acknowledge does want a meaningful relationship again--but it is wrapped with so much ambivalence (and fear) that I need to wait a bit. That doesn't mean I never check online profiles out though...

Rosehip, I haven't actually read the "He's not that into you" book, but I do find the attitude helpful. A sense of "oh well, his loss" is very helpful in dating. I don't think it means he's going to bail. And if he does, his loss.
Oh the Irony is offline  
#79 of 295 Old 10-06-2009, 12:28 PM
 
crazyeight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
butterfly you just crack me up! if i weren't half a world a way we would get along FAMOUSLY! as far as MILM i've got one for ya! lol.

I suppose i'll make up some names (this is fun!) Rescue Ranger and lets see.....I have no idea what to call the other interest (if it could even be called that) Flyboy (he doesn't fly), muscles (well it's not apparant until you dance real close and i do mean dance!, Shy Guy (i singled him out in a bit of a drunken talk fest cause he was just sitting there like i would if i wasn't drinking), level head (omg the maturity is very nice and he's 10 yrs older than me) but I think we'll go with Non Commital Cutie cause he is so much older and isn't interested in that stuff as far as I can tell.

Rescue Ranger~ He's a new fried of my exbf which makes me really uncomfortable cause I don't want to be anywhere NEAR or in ex's radar but he helped me in many ways, helped me move all my stuff when NO ONE ELSE was going to. It was going to end up being me paying (with money off the tree in the back?) a moving crew but he stepped up and helped. No real reason or promises. He's met and hung and likes the kids BEFORE exbf was gone so I didn't have to go back and forth on whether he should meet them or not etc. He's a dad of 2 boys that he hasn't seen in quite a while. Another reason for the Rescue Ranger title is that I have had a very hard time in the last couple of months. I've been holding all the reins and I could feel them tightening and pulling me in all directions, I could feel myself useing up more and more and more and more strength to keep it together everyday and I could feel them getting to the point of snapping and I was (am?) being completely overwhelmed...no relief was coming and no one was there or wanted to be to help me hold on and then suddenly here he is and within a week or 2 I can feel myself finding slack and sanity again and really being able to handle all the complications. He helped me with that and I am so grateful for the things he's done. He also rides a motorcycle and will take me for rides anytime I can (which i LOOOVVEEEE), took me and the kids to the racetrack a few weeks ago (and we all had a BLAST) and just generally very cool and fun to hang out with. But here comes the but....I don't see a spark, there is no forever here, I don't want that from him and I don't see it at all however he's interested and I can honestly say that I am useing him on some level. I told him all this and am trying to be as honest as possible but I still feel wrong. He did tell me that he was scared, he gets attached and he really likes me ("you've got a good head on your shoulders; you don't sit there and whine you figure out a plan and you put it in action; you've not complained about anything; your very strong") and its "what he's been looking for". So I gotta tread carefully I suppose (and butterfly here's the MILM and the MILL!)

Non Comital Cutie~ A friend of my best friend and just fun. I'm not sure what to make of him. He likes me and golly I like him but he just doesn't have the time he says for anything. I stopped texting him cause I'd get an answer and then nothing for the rest of the day and it's exhausting chasing someone! So he hasn't even contacted me in over a WEEK (and he knew I was moving/said he was going to help) so I'm kinda flabbergasted. I figured out that he's not someone I see lifelong partnership with but I feel good around him but it's more of the "dating scene" instead of the mommy scene and if we were to go out it would be focused on us as opposed to a family outing. I want to be able to just flirt and have fun with him and still respect each other and when things are meant to move on I don't think either or us will have to much of a problem with it. I'm actually considering texting with a seemingly outrageous proposal because of my needing to be good/not use Rescue Ranger!

So thats me. Its not much of a dating life and I do have a lot on my plate so anyone that does take energy from me (and gosh rescue ranger is certainly showing me that relationships (although i'm calling it companionship for my reasons) CAN truly give energy) is not going to be allowed around me. Maturity is a must and I am not dealing with any silly drama...I have enough of my own BS to wade through thanks!
crazyeight is offline  
#80 of 295 Old 10-06-2009, 12:33 PM
 
crazyeight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
butterfly you just crack me up! if i weren't half a world a way we would get along FAMOUSLY! as far as MILM i've got one for ya! lol.

I suppose i'll make up some names (this is fun!) Rescue Ranger and lets see.....I have no idea what to call the other interest (if it could even be called that) Flyboy (he doesn't fly), muscles (well it's not apparant until you dance real close and i do mean dance!, Shy Guy (i singled him out in a bit of a drunken talk fest cause he was just sitting there like i would if i wasn't drinking), level head (omg the maturity is very nice and he's 10 yrs older than me) but I think we'll go with Non Commital Cutie cause he is so much older and isn't interested in that stuff as far as I can tell.

Rescue Ranger~ He's a new fried of my exbf which makes me really uncomfortable cause I don't want to be anywhere NEAR or in ex's radar but he helped me in many ways, helped me move all my stuff when NO ONE ELSE was going to. It was going to end up being me paying (with money off the tree in the back?) a moving crew but he stepped up and helped. No real reason or promises. He's met and hung and likes the kids BEFORE exbf was gone so I didn't have to go back and forth on whether he should meet them or not etc. He's a dad of 2 boys that he hasn't seen in quite a while. Another reason for the Rescue Ranger title is that I have had a very hard time in the last couple of months. I've been holding all the reins and I could feel them tightening and pulling me in all directions, I could feel myself useing up more and more and more and more strength to keep it together everyday and I could feel them getting to the point of snapping and I was (am?) being completely overwhelmed...no relief was coming and no one was there or wanted to be to help me hold on and then suddenly here he is and within a week or 2 I can feel myself finding slack and sanity again and really being able to handle all the complications. He helped me with that and I am so grateful for the things he's done. He also rides a motorcycle and will take me for rides anytime I can (which i LOOOVVEEEE), took me and the kids to the racetrack a few weeks ago (and we all had a BLAST) and just generally very cool and fun to hang out with. But here comes the but....I don't see a spark, there is no forever here, I don't want that from him and I don't see it at all however he's interested and I can honestly say that I am useing him on some level. I told him all this and am trying to be as honest as possible but I still feel wrong. He did tell me that he was scared, he gets attached and he really likes me ("you've got a good head on your shoulders; you don't sit there and whine you figure out a plan and you put it in action; you've not complained about anything; your very strong") and its "what he's been looking for". So I gotta tread carefully I suppose (and butterfly here's the MILM and the MILL!)

Non Comital Cutie~ A friend of my best friend and just fun. I'm not sure what to make of him. He likes me and golly I like him but he just doesn't have the time he says for anything. I stopped texting him cause I'd get an answer and then nothing for the rest of the day and it's exhausting chasing someone! So he hasn't even contacted me in over a WEEK (and he knew I was moving/said he was going to help) so I'm kinda flabbergasted. I figured out that he's not someone I see lifelong partnership with but I feel good around him but it's more of the "dating scene" instead of the mommy scene and if we were to go out it would be focused on us as opposed to a family outing. I want to be able to just flirt and have fun with him and still respect each other and when things are meant to move on I don't think either or us will have to much of a problem with it. I'm actually considering texting with a seemingly outrageous proposal because of my needing to be good/not use Rescue Ranger!

So thats me. Its not much of a dating life and I do have a lot on my plate so anyone that does take energy from me (and gosh rescue ranger is certainly showing me that relationships (although i'm calling it companionship for my reasons) CAN truly give energy) is not going to be allowed around me. Maturity is a must and I am not dealing with any silly drama...I have enough of my own BS to wade through thanks!

Oh and Butterfly about the open thing. I dated a guy (we'll call him Responsibility) in an open (married with a kid!) relationship when I was experimenting with it myself and I gotta say that Responsibility still holds a bit of me. I am sorry that I hurt his wife so much and she dealt as best she could but Resp. was the first person (and I would still say only) that really connected, sparked, understood, matured, taught and overall just astounded me on a relationship level. I realize now that someone like him i WOULD want for myself and yes I would love to think that I could take him from her and keep him all to myself but on the same hand I envy what she has and I realize that I wouldnt want to do that to her. So all I can really say is that the relationship was and is important to me, I learned alot and I still value him in a way that many relationships don't get to end as and I attribute it to the fact that you have to pay 500x more attention in an open relationship if you do it right and IF Responsibility ever gets "let go" I want to be there in any way I can if he would let me!
crazyeight is offline  
#81 of 295 Old 10-06-2009, 02:01 PM
 
BugMacGee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,548
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi!

This thread goes so fast!

I feel like Eeyore in the dating world. I think I'm ready to give on-line dating a break. I"m very discouraged in general. I don't meet anyone IRL (I work with mostly women or married men) I think kids are sort of threatening to potential dates. One of my friends on Facebook said something to the effect that he kept trying to tell the single moms on Match.com that he didn't want to raise their kids for them. WTF?

Anyway, I alternate between really wanting to find someone and realizing that there are a lot of things on which i'm not willing to compormise. I'm supporting myself and my kids pretty well. I like our little dynamic, but I also want to date. I'm an indecisive woman!

At some point, I would like to have a significant other. But now, I just want to have fun. Unfortunately, I can't even find anyone who wants to go out with me more than once. And I don't get it. I'm cute, petite, funny (or so I've been told) I have a good job, own my home. I have amazing kids. I'm staring to feel like I have some childless Amazon supergoddess to get a freakin' date!!!

Ok, thanks for letting me get that out. I feel better.

I'll have to go through this whole thread later! Hope everyone is having better luck than I am!
BugMacGee is offline  
#82 of 295 Old 10-06-2009, 04:42 PM
 
brittneyscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Welcome BugMacgee! Glad you're joining us!

Sugarmoon: I know how you feel with feeling like you're playing a game you don't want to play. I have felt like that a good bit lately and I don't like it. I'd say just write him if you want to. What could it hurt? If you do something "wrong" in the game is he going to back away? Oh wait... he already did that. I don't see how you writing him is going to hurt anything. Do what you feel like and don't worry about the rest. He'll respond to it or not but at least you let it out.

Butterflymom: I think you're doing just fine. You have to weed through the ones that won't work and its a process. You'll find one that suits you eventually but don't worry about the rest of it. I mean its not like we can order a guy out of a catalog so if it looks like you're being a player because you have to weed through the garbage than oh well. You'll get it figured out. I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

Dhinderliter: I think you'll be alright as long as you let Rescue Ranger know up front how you feel. If he still chooses to stick around than that's his choice but he can't say you didn't warn him.

You know I just don't know how to take this dating game. What is the deal? I run into a variety of guys on a daily basis with my job and I get a lot of attention, tons of date offers, etc but not any that I want. All the guys that seem to ask me out or make advances I can tell from the get go that I don't want anything to do with so why bother? The ones that I could go on a date with and might could consider seem to stand back and not ask. What is that? I just don't get it.

Nothing new here yet. I've pretty much closed off the Pensive Plumber thing. He was out Saturday night and said hey but I can tell know I don't want that one. From the amount of time I've spent around him I know I don't really want him. Country Cutie is still hanging around but I'm already starting to back out of that one a little too. He's sweet and cute and has more potential than Pensive Plumber does in some ways but he still isn't quite what I'm looking for. Of course this weekend is going to be bad though because Brady comes home again and I'm sure I'll run into this time since I didn't last time. Ugh!!! The only one I've found that I really really want and he walks. This is not good! Come on new prospects!
brittneyscott is offline  
#83 of 295 Old 10-06-2009, 10:53 PM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
Hi!

One of my friends on Facebook said something to the effect that he kept trying to tell the single moms on Match.com that he didn't want to raise their kids for them. WTF?
I've heard this a bunch from both male and female friends and it sucks. BUT..in my grand total of about 1 month of online dating *all* of the 4 men I've connected with have had some interest in being a part of the lives of children/a single mother. Maybe it's an age thing (all over 40), maybe it's a spiritual thing (I only look at buddhist/spiritual guys), maybe just my clarity in my profile, I don't know..but it's given me huge faith that it is out there for all us single moms.

and here...things couldn't get much more beautiful as far as long distance romances go..as Chicago Guy put it, "I'm in the sweet spot right now" No concrete plans to meet yet but it's out there, we're talking about it, and I think we are using this opportunity to really get to know each other better, get clear about what we may or may not be getting into. he has a big work event he's coordinating for the end of this month, so he's super busy. Whether I ever meet him or not, this man has rocked my world, and made it a better place .
muse is offline  
#84 of 295 Old 10-07-2009, 02:17 PM
 
sbphotogr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 76
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You ladies sure are busy! Just read through the last few posts...
BugMacGee: Right there with you. I’m going to try and rewrite my online profile to make it much more clear what I am looking for. I’ll let you know if that works
Muse: I’m really happy for you and Chicago Guy. I admire your ability to find happiness in a long distance relationship without fretting about when you get to meet. Good for you!

Not much to report here. I have been contacting anyone I am even remotely interested in on Okcupid hoping to set up a few speed dates a la butterflymom's suggestion. So far nothing. I'm determined though, I need it to get MMM off my mind.
However, I have found me a salsa partner. My best friend's roommate and I went out to salsa on sat night and had a blast. We are going to start taking lessons together on sunday evenings. Was never interested in him but....he can move!
sbphotogr is offline  
#85 of 295 Old 10-07-2009, 07:53 PM
 
brittneyscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Way down south
Posts: 1,192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well once I get caught up and have some time at home the thread slows down. I don't have any updates here yet. I go back to work tomorrow so we'll see what happens this weekend at work. I've still talked to Country Cutie every day this week but haven't seen him since Saturday morning. I don't think I'll see him this weekend either unless he comes out while I'm at work because I have the kids this weekend. I just hope I can survive if I run into Brady this weekend...
brittneyscott is offline  
#86 of 295 Old 10-10-2009, 12:22 AM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,389
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Can't believe we fell to page 2! Nothing new here, but I couldn't let us stay hidden

For those of you who have been anxiously waiting for me to be around more , have no fear, I have internet at home again! Yep, after only 2 months, I live in the year 2009 again.
sugarmoon is offline  
#87 of 295 Old 10-10-2009, 12:39 AM
 
Hollycrand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 1,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sugarmoon,



SO GLAD you have Internet!!!
How in the world did we fall to page two???? Are we all too busy to lead interesting lives and/or spend our time posting on MDC???

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

Hollycrand is offline  
#88 of 295 Old 10-10-2009, 10:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's my fault. I normally post daily about my life because I have the strange idea that anyone would want to bother to read about it, but I have been taking a few days off. A girl's gotta breathe and go out and live her single adventures to have something to post about, ya know?


Anyone listening? : Just once, I'd love the lurkers (I KNOW you're out there ) to come out of the woodwork and say, "Hey you! I'm listening and being vastly entertained!" Not that I really think my life is that entertaining...
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#89 of 295 Old 10-10-2009, 10:49 AM
 
mamansolo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Mirabel, Québec
Posts: 14
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosehip View Post
Ah...what do I want?

A GROWNUP! But seriously, someone who really is grown up - responsible - financially, emotionally, physically (takes sort of reasonable care of his home & his body), and in terms of relationships.

I'd also like someone who is intelligent and thoughtful. I want someone I can have an conversation with, and someone who is curious.

I think my biggest learning has been to look at actions, not lip service
Wow! Are you my long lost twin sister?

ETA: I am a lurker and I am not done reading... getting low in the decaf department... will get some more and continue reading on!

Single mother of one (06/12/2009) and fighting every minute for her!
mamansolo is offline  
#90 of 295 Old 10-10-2009, 11:40 AM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok ya'll. Need your help! I was being so zen about Chicago Guy but things moved in such an intense way in our phonecalls (him talking about what it would be like to live together, how he'd take care of the kids, making sexually provocative comments...*too* much) that thursday night I reached saturation point and told him I really needed to know if we are ever going to meet or else I don't know if I can keep these phonecalls up.

It was a tricky conversation. It kind of went round in circles and up and down with him saying he's close to jumping on a plane to meet me but its still checking things out, our compatibility..WTF. 3 weeks of so many hrs of conversations. I asked him what are you looking for, he listed everything he already knows I am. I said what you haven't found that yet? and he just laughed. I don't get it.

But talking with friends they all think he's scared ****less by our connection, and scared of beig hurt. He's said an number of times that this seems too good to be true, that he has yearned for this kind of connection for yrs. He also said some time ago he'd send another photo and never did. So some insecurity maybe which is so surprising to me, because he is gorgeous.

So.. after tossing and turning thurs night and processing with friends I wrote him a long email yesterday expressing thanks for our connection, for who h is, etc and asking that he send another photo and also that we meet sooner rather than later, if at all. He had thrown out halloween weekend at some point - i wasn't sure if he was serious - so I told him i would happily fly out there that weekend if that's what he wants. I think he will feel more secure on his own turf, not a few blocks from my ex husband and children. I'd like to see him in his context. I got excited about the idea of it.

Nearly 24 hrs later I haven't heard a WORD back. No email, phonecall, text, which is so so unusual.

Wah. Did I dream this whole last 3 weeks?!
muse is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off