Originally Posted by muse
Ok ya'll. Need your help! I was being so zen about Chicago Guy but things moved in such an intense way in our phonecalls
....I told him i would happily fly out there that weekend if that's what he wants.
...Nearly 24 hrs later I haven't heard a WORD back. No email, phonecall, text, which is so so unusual.
Did I dream this whole last 3 weeks?!
Honey, it's done. Please end contact with him.
Sigh. I am putting so many frowny emoticons because I am genuinely sitting here with a my-dog-just-died crestfallen look on my face, and I honestly feel a dull empathetic ache in my chest reading about how this is going with Chicago Guy.
I wish I could actually 'help' as you said you wished from us, but... Sigh.
These darned long distance things.
They can really suck your entire heart into them. Even if it's just on the phone, just some adorable text messages, just some conversations on skype or your cell phone, full of hints or outright discussions of how something that feels so strong could develop into a practical hypothetical LIFE together, one that you are tenatively but already putting so much of your heart on the line, hoping for..... Sigh.
When they don't evolve past phone and internet communications, you feel as broken hearted as when a real relationship ends and that's because it WAS a real relationship, in your mind. You already had a whole hypothetical future life imagined in your mind and had already dared to think that maybe this is the first chapter of a love story for the ages. And then.....
most of the time... it crashes and burns and fizzles out. In my experience, when the man drops the ball and suddenly ceases being mr. amazing I realize that maybe he was being mr. amazing because it's too dang easy to be so wonderful in phone conversations and text/chat messages. Words. In the end it's just a bunch of words. Talk is cheap. There's a reason people say that. It's so easy to say what you know will get a reaction, and being a convincing actor, even to the point of playing a role that is only half false and you are even convincing yourself of, getting wrapped up in a drama....it's exciting for both and the lines are so blurry of how much of it was absolutely heartfelt and what portion was exaggerated-for-effect to make things seem more monumental and inspiring and exciting (and just to keep the sheer momentum going, so that it doesn't all fizzle away from apathy)......? Probably neither knows, definitely not the one who didn't exaggerate or mislead the other AT ALL about their feelings, and maybe even the one who on some level realizes they were going a little overboard/theatrical in the little drama that played out, for the fun/excitement of it, doesn't really understand that an unethical portion of their actions/words were not really grounded in anything meaningful/practical or even REAL.
Words are just that and actions have gotta come up behind them to back them up. If a guy is not in your city and the relationship being conducted via long-distance methods is required, then my suspicious antennae goes WAY UP on hyper-paranoia-mode because I (like FourTrees) and so many of us, have really been burned by falling in love over the phone. Even with Vanishing Guy in Brussels, I was already a seasoned online dater to the point of always insisting on face-to-face meetings ASAP. We met in a chat room, and started sending personal emails the next day, and by day 5 were on a video call with skype and 5 ours into the phone call booked our weekend in Paris to meet each other, and I woke up the next morning and went straight to the airport to go meet this guy. We spent 48 hours together, fell madly in love, and then proceeded to conduct a long distance relationship, very intense, hours-on-the-phone-every-day, for the next six weeks. Then he came to see me, it was amazing again, but he shock-dumped me within 24 hours. I was so crushed I still get tears in my eyes thinking about that, and it was 10 months ago. I called DanishMom from the bathroom in the restaurant (it was over dinner that he dumped me) hysterical and she offered to fly out here to murder him herself, after leading me on like that for nearly two months and more-than-just-hinting about our potential future life together with my sons.
And this guy was one of the ones that would have wanted to follow through, who I believe would have tried to have been a stand-up guy and been there for me, if the distance and subsequent drama that goes along with long distance relationships becoming anything more than that (someone has to change countries, quit jobs, perhaps take a career setback, etc) wasn't more than what he wanted to handle.
The even simpler and more likely scenario with phone/internet relationships (that occur over distances that make live meetings impractical and infrequent if EVER) is that a guy just loves the feedback (read= ego boost and men are sniveling insecure things most of the time that need that ego stroked) of having a woman melt at his words, he is embellishing upon actual feelings/interest but really just laying it on thick..... no pressures or responsibilities that come along with actually having a day-to-day relationship with a woman/partner free up his mind and loosen his tongue to let the romantic stuff flow 100% without any of the fears/insecurities/pressure that keep men from rushing in like that with women, because then they might be expecting tangible involvement/commitment/duties to come along hand in hand with all the romance they're expressing.
Just my theories based on personal disappointments. Take them with a grain of salt. The bottom line is that the bar is set too low for a guy to be super great just over internet and phone lines. It's too easy, so you're going to have people who IRL wouldn't seem/be as great, appearing so. It's deceptive and can set you up to get hurt.
Sad but true. Like Janet Jackson said, "What have you done for me lately" (and Eddie Murphy in his Raw stage performance also mention this is the anthem phrase for liberated/independent modern women and I have to agree with the sentiment, even if it is funny, the way he describes it!). Action speak louder than words, talk is cheap, and a million other cliches. And a clever woman who would never be duped/played/tricked in face-to-face meetings, in real life situations, as she tests the waters dating a guy to see how his life/schedule/behavior actually melds with hers..... can get fooled, in a long distance romance. Hell, we can get fooled anyways for awhile, with the particularly skilled types who can seem so great for awhile before the true colors come out, but even the not so gifted types can run a pretty great game for awhile over the phone. The ones who shy away from even a phone call or disclosing actual names/phone-numbers/professions in the land of online dating get an immediate DISS from me because if they can't even handle women at THAT level (seeming sane, cool, sweet over the phone and not remaining anonymous) then they must be particularly pass-able and I'd better run, not walk, away from them.
These are just my codes/standards for men. Seeming cool online (chat, pics, etc) is fine and dandy but if it can't go to a really great, long phone discussion quite soon, then I'm out. And I'm not up for more than 2 of those long, great phone discussions if they are not leading up to a very early coffee meeting, face-to-face to see what vibe I get from the guy, how he seems to my 'gut', in person. And even then, I think that any type of red flag in behavior, in the early weeks/months is only a prelude to much more major problems in the future.
Am I the most pessimistic and cynical dater EVER?
Sorry to be all depressing and cold-water-in-the-face today.
I'm truly miserable to hear about how he didn't even contact you back after you made such a reasonable offer and request.