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#181 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 01:14 AM
 
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Butterflymom: I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I know how hard it can be to get someone off your mind.

Holly: I'm sure everything will be alright with your sweetie. I hope so anyways.

Muse: Its nice to have potentials around to entertain you and its great that you found two sweet ones to choose from. You deserve to have someone good in your life. We all do.

LoveOhm: I'm glad to see that you are still around even if you aren't posting dating updates.
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#182 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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:gloom

I think I'm being ignored. What wouldyou do in my place? My guest knows 100% the situation, and he doesn't to cause problems. He's offered to go to a Youth Hostel. Do you think I should ask him to stay there so that at least SG wouldn't act like a pouting 4 year old?

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#183 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 11:06 AM
 
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Holly.

(and I am saying this with love)

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who acts like a pouting 4 year old?

and I have to add...

no. you should absolutely not have your guest go stay somewhere else. You should be silent and ignore GM until he stops acting like a jealous baby.

You deserve better than a man who manipulates with jealous silence.
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#184 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who acts like a pouting 4 year old?
Well, as someone else who has acted like a pouting (overly emotional) 4 year old in my relationship from time to time, I am very thankful my dp didn't drop me just because my own fears, insecurities and emotional upheavals took over for a bit.

Why is it that when men get upset, we rush to call them kids and condemn them to immaturity. We expect them to "just get over" their feelings and "act like a man."

Holly:

I definitely would not have your friend leave to stay in a hostel.

Just give your bf some time and space to sort out his feelings/thoughts on this matter. I imagine it is just stirring up some of HIS own fears and insecurities. Perhaps, send him a couple of reassuring, sweet texts to help him along.

Chances are, he knows he is acting like an insecure bonehead, but that doesn't help when dealing with feelings of fear and insecurity.
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#185 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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Muse: Its nice to have potentials around to entertain you and its great that you found two sweet ones to choose from.

I wish I got to choose but Chicago Guy is being really tricky and hard to pin down. I've grown tired of trying to figure him out and I told him that I'm pretty much reaching the end of my patience for the phone calls unless there is some commitment to meeting. We talked on sunday. i've told myself if i don't hear from him again by tonight I'm gonna let it go. i really deserve someone who can make decisions & move forwards, someone who follows through on what he offers...I'm so sad about it but it's all a learning experience..

I did find out in our last conversation that he's done this long distance thing a number of times, and has gotten on planes and trains to meet people. It has never worked out so he said he's trying to be more careful this time and learn from those experiences. But there's something off about the picture. Why would a perfectly eligible handsome successful 42 yr old man need to be traveling so far afield to meet someone? Safer than meeting someone close to home? I'm starting to see many big cracks in his whole initial presentation and that bums me out.
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#186 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 12:32 PM
 
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I did find out in our last conversation that he's done this long distance thing a number of times, and has gotten on planes and trains to meet people. It has never worked out so he said he's trying to be more careful this time and learn from those experiences. But there's something off about the picture. Why would a perfectly eligible handsome successful 42 yr old man need to be traveling so far afield to meet someone? Safer than meeting someone close to home? I'm starting to see many big cracks in his whole initial presentation and that bums me out.

Hugs. Yeah, I gotta say, something is off. I used to chose to date people who were just about to move away. It turns out, I didn't want to be in a committed relationship at the time. Perhaps this rings a little true for him. Perhaps he gets to have the high of "meeting" someone new w/o the heartache of a commitment not working. Who knows. Just some thoughts.

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#187 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 12:47 PM
 
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Perhaps he gets to have the high of "meeting" someone new w/o the heartache of a commitment not working. Who knows. Just some thoughts.
oh yeah, this really fits. he was *so* exuberant in the first few weeks of our connection, but now he's just not doing what you would do if you wanted to truly sustain something. whenever i say something like i don't know if i can keep these phonecalls up he gets super defensive and says "if you disappear tomorrow that's ok, i'm grateful for our connection and just want you to be happy". huh? i think he's had his heart broken a lot and the big thing is he lost his dad at 5 yrs old. his last long term relationship was in the 90's, they were going to get engaged and he made the enormous mistake (he knows it was a mistake and that he was being dysfunctional) of requesting an open relationship. so, hello..commitment issues, yes yes yes. he presented himself as having worked that stuff out, done all this self growth, but i'm not buying it right now, not if he can't get on a plane and present himself. the irony is i proposed that *i* go out there, no work on his part at all, and even that he put off...WTF.
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#188 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 01:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Muse, I can understand why he may be meeting women online who are some distance away. I've done it four times in the last year-get on a plane to meet someone I've been talking to on the phone a lot, that is. Relative disasters every time, except the weekend in paris with VGB. But I was serious and honest each time. Still.... It is exhausting to invest so much time and resources on what is really just a first date with a stranger, when it pans out to be nothing or -worse, turns out badly. Could be that he, like me, prefers online dating to bars because of the efficiency of the weeding/filtering options. But if it hasn't worked out for him after several travel attempts, it's natural that he is wary. But you have every right to demand he do it anyway.
Holly, give him some time, a sweet text sounds nice, and hopefully he will snap out of it.
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#189 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He was going to get engaged over a decade ago but wanted to have an open relationship and the relationship ended over the request? Sounds fine and not dysfunctional, to me. More people should discuss things like this before marriage and children, and if there isn't compatibility or room for comprimise, then split up. So much better than the typical story of partnering up without much honest discussion and realistic expectations and ground rules set, and later on infidelity and divorce. But a decade of bachelorhood since then says something, for sure....
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#190 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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butterflymom, thanks for your perspective...and i was fully expecting you to be the one to say *ditch him*! he's a vegan, tee-totaller, executive director, activist, sports/fitness guy, so yeah not so many opportunities for meeting compatible women.

here's the hard line i need to figure out. how long would you wait for someone to commit to meeting given that we have shared enormous amounts of intimate information with each other, and that he's been talking about us meeting for weeks now. i was in no rush and have no interest in pressuring him but i just see this pattern that as soon as it got real he took 10 steps back. and just to state again, i offered to got *there* and said we could hang out for as short or long time as worked for him, no pressure. no work for him at all. it feels very much like he wants to be the one in control. big flags for me there.

ok, enough about this one....off to read everyone else's updates.
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#191 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Brittney, nemo sounds great. You lucked out there! Police stalker guy sounds creepy, almost as creepy as my suicidal guy.
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#192 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 02:23 PM
 
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This is what I wrote (yes, it is emotional...):

Well it seems to me that you already have serious doubts. I will ask D to stay elsewhere this week, from tonight if possible, and I believe he will understand.

I don't know what your feelings are about this situation being irregular. For me, it's someone who is just using my house as a hotel/restaurant. But as I said above, as it seems to have put such a wedge between us, I don't want that. It really upsets me.

It really seems like you are angry with me. Or you are so certain that you are going to get hurt that you are putting up a protective wall. At least that is what it seems to me.
It hurts me that you would even consider I'd do anything to ruin what I have with you, but I suppose by agreeing to allow D to stay with me, it hurt you.

The main reason he is staying with me is that I feel obligated to the family for having hosted me in their home in 1994 even though they didn't have a lot of money. I know you don't trust the guy and think he'll jump my bones at night, but a) I sleep next to my girls b) I sleep with clothes on when guests are in the house c) I know the guy won't do anything to me (I know his mother....he is very close to his mother.....he wouldn't disrespect me).

I have a lot of trust for you - even though I might joke about other girlfriends and such. I think if the tables were turned I wouldn't be happy about the situation either. But I would hope that it wouldn't ruin things between us.

Last night I talked about you almost all evening, and wished you were there. Which is why when I didn't hear anything from you last night (except very late) or this morning, it made me a bit sad. I slept very badly, and even got up at 2am to see if I had an email from you.

I like to get emails from you during the day, and I like talking to you on the telephone in the evenings.
My feelings for you haven't changed. Which is why I have been communicating with you 'as usual'.

'Made' is correct.

This was his response:
Hello Holly,

I don’t really like the situation. The only thing I can tell you is don’t panic.

For the rest, I don’t have time to explain you what’s going on by email.

Sorry if it is short but this is the way I feel. Let see it this way: You bring me out of my comfort zone. J I hope this can reassure you.

Have a good afternoon,
xx

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#193 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 02:49 PM
 
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holly i think his response to you sounds mature and promising
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#194 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rosehip, he sounds like a gentleman.

ForViolet, just put single and then in the description area put you're not officially and legally divorced yet but you've been living apart for half a year.

brittneyscott, Nemo sounds great! What news there these last couple of days since weekend? :
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#195 of 295 Old 10-20-2009, 11:42 PM
 
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Rosehip: I'm glad it sounds like everything is going to work out with your sweetie. I hope all goes well.

Well for the updates with Nemo... He texts me every morning as soon as he gets up. He'll text my phone through out the day while he has time at work and he calls me every night. He has been telling me how much he misses me and can't wait to get back home to see me again. I don't know what I've gotten myself into girls but I like it! I can't believe I'm letting this go like this. I'll give a full update in private land with some more quotes. Oh my!
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#196 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 12:41 AM
 
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the date was fine with sensitive engineer but apparently 13e for a pasta was more than he feels inspired to do. I paid my own way. The date was otherwise ok but he wasn't able to drink whiskey with me-just couldn't get in the liquor mood. I don't know....
Ss is spectacled smarty. He isn't asking me out.
Remember how i texted vanishig guy in brussels? He emails of back tonight and wishes me luck with my legal battles and confesses that for weeks now he's been seeing 'me' everywhere he looks and he always chases the woman down but it's never really me, of course, but some cheap copy. His words. I read this on my phone in public and immediately started sobbing. God, it's like i've been punched in the stomach and can't catch my breath. Could he please just get over me so i can get over him?!

(((hugs)))

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#197 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 03:44 AM
 
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Ack!!! Psycho Cop just texted my phone again and then called me wanting to come over here! I have to get rid of this guy!
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#198 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:47 AM
 
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Brittneyscott, my advice re: Psycho Cop is this--if you think the local PD will do something, go in and talk to the desk sergeant. If that's not likely, go have a chat with another local law enforcement agency (I don't know how things are set up with you, but here if someone in SAPD was giving me trouble I could go talk to the Bexar County Sheriff's office). Do it now, and otherwise make certain you have some protection of the kind I was telling you my Texas Gentleman prefers when we were chatting on Facebook.

Nemo sounds good. I'm glad you are enjoying things with him. If there are sparks and you feel comfortable, don't get hung up on the way you think things "should" go. Every relationship has its own pace.

Holly, I would personally not be happy with Swimming Guy reacting this way to a friend staying over. For me, I have a lot of male friends, and it's imperative that any love interest of mine be 100% comfortable with that. Early on in our relationship, my ex-husband got freaked out when my friend John gave me a hug and called me sweetheart. I made excuses for it at the time, but now I look back on it as something that should have been a red flag. This may well be my personal experience, then, coloring how I see your situation...but you two have been together a while; I'm not sure I'd see "you take me out of my comfort zone" as adequate explanation. While I will grant that expressing one's emotions is generally a healthy thing...it seems as if he is still really refusing to discuss it with you as you deserve--"I don't have time to explain this to you in e-mail" would only be acceptable to me if it was followed up by "So let's get together in person at XYZ time and place and have this conversation." (Well, I'd be OK with a phone call too, you understand, but NOT with nothing at all.) He owes you that much, at least.

Butterflymom, I hope something breaks loose for you soon. Can you concentrate on yourself for a little bit? Not take yourself off the market per se, but call a halt to stuff that affects your heart for a week or so?

Muse, my issue with Chicago Guy is your comment that it seems as if he has a very definite concept of how love "should" be. Again, this is my past coloring my view of your situation. My XH had a view of how love should be. I did not fit that. I battered myself against that wall for years before giving up, and eventually it led him to feel perfectly justified in taking up with someone else who would give him what I wasn't. : So I'd personally be VERY wary of someone like that...

But he's in Chicago. There's a distance. It's hard to tell. Just realize that if he ever does get on a plane to meet you, there's apparently a good chance you won't live up to his preconceived ideal, and that will be a lot of wasted emotional energy on your part. It's good that you have another prospect; hopefully he will help you not get too hung up on CG.

As for me...

Well, I updated extensively in privateland, but I'll put something here as well. Texas Gentleman and I have continued spending all our time together to the best of our abilities. We text throughout the day & chat on Facebook while he's at work and talk on the phone ~2 hours every night.

Last week, we met halfway, and spent about 24 hours together. It was fantastic. I cannot link together enough superlatives. We spent a whole lot of time listening to the music we both love but no one else seems to. We spent most of Thursday at Beason's Park on the banks of the Colorado River. Just hanging out and talking and being together. He told his mama on Friday that it could not have gone better if it was scripted, and I think that's the perfect way to put it.

We still have plans for him to come up here in mid-November. I realized day before yesterday, though, that his birthday is on a Thursday. So week after next, I am driving out Wednesday afternoon so I can spend his birthday with him! I can't wait.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#199 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:55 AM
 
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Last week, we met halfway, and spent about 24 hours together. It was fantastic. I cannot link together enough superlatives. We spent a whole lot of time listening to the music we both love but no one else seems to. We spent most of Thursday at Beason's Park on the banks of the Colorado River. Just hanging out and talking and being together. He told his mama on Friday that it could not have gone better if it was scripted, and I think that's the perfect way to put it.
Yay!

Brittneyscott: more yay!

I can't even sleep tonight there are so many wierd things going on in the love realm...I won't get into them here yet.

But just found out my good friend is in chicago this sun and mon, 5 mins away from Chicago Guy. He has his huge work event coming up on the wed after that and i'm thinking maybe I could give her something to deliver to him, a good luck something, as a surprise..am i nuts? and what would i send? I like the idea of using the opportunity to bridge the gap a bit, and catch him by surprise.
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#200 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 10:09 AM
 
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Hello again and thanks for the welcome! (way back in pages)

I saw that someone here had posted a profile at okc, so I looked it up and added my own, looking for friendship. I found one! He lives about 15 miles away, which is amazing because most profiles on sites like that are at least an hour from where I live (a tiny town in the mountains). He is a full-time father of a 4 year old. Very, very good looking but I can't help but wonder about his teeth because they aren't visible in the pictures. LOL Funny, shared interests, sweet, all that stuff. I've had a profile at pof, but found the conversations that followed really annoying. I get so tired of describing myself. With him the conversation flowed and we were laughing. I actually look forward to meeting him, which hasn't happened in years.

However:

I have three children full-time. My daughters go to school, but I always have my son with me. There are no sitters on the horizon. I've asked my mom, sister, dad and no one seems to have time or understand my need for a break. My daughters spent a night with my mom at the beginning of summer break and she still says, "didn't they just come recently?" It makes me want to scream. I am a student, living on loans so I can't afford to pay a babysitter. My older daughter wouldn't stay with someone she didn't know anyway. I just moved here a year ago and don't really have any friends. How incredibly frustrating!

I've never actually been away from my son except for three proctored exams. He's turning one soon on November 2 and I'm finally feeling ready to go do something for myself for a few hours. Movies, out for drinks, anything. I just really need a break! I've been brainstorming like crazy. Hopefully some solution will appear soon.
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#201 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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FourTrees,

Do you have a special interest or talent that you could swap for a few hours babysitting? Or perhaps advertise babysitting swapping for another single mom who might be in the same situation? The kids could get to know each other and play together.
I know a few single moms through my daughter's school. We started talking, and we now swap kids every once in a while to give one another a break from time to time. Both days and nights.
If you can't talk to your parents, maybe you could have a heart to heart with your sister and ask her to babysit some time? Maybe in exchange for something? Dinner?

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#202 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:12 PM
 
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FourTrees - I really hope you find someone to lend you a hand. It is HARD to never get a break. You deserve some R&R.

Muse - Go with what feels right. In your situation, I would probably create a "drop dead" date for meeting, and not invest more emotionally unless and until there is an in person meeting. You've been through such rollercoasters already!

Sagesgirl - woo-hoo! Don't mess with Texas! Sounds fun

Brittney
- Yikes on the cop. I STRONGLY second getting in touch with some agency to make an official complaint. I'm assuming that you've told him, VERY PLAINLY that you are not interested, right? If you had been in email contact, I would actually send an email to that effect. Don't soft-peddle it ("you seem like a nice guy, it's not a good time for me, etc.") - be very explicit. "I am not interested in any sort of relationship with you. Do not contact me, by text, phone, in person, or in any other manner, again."

Butterfly
- I'm sorry mama. Take some time to nurture yourself. I hope that you find more generous (in every way) guys moving forward.

As for me - I got an email from the squash guy suggesting I let him know when I can do it again. I really enjoy his company - we'll see if this goes anywhere. The two dates that we've had thus far struck me as almost more of a courting thing - doing activities together and learning about each other without getting physical. It is actually suiting me just fine! I feel like a lot of pressure is off!
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#203 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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muse, if you ask me.... don't do it. you've already put so much forth, emotionally, without knowing if you are ever going to see this man's face (he seems irritatingly ok with letting you loose right this minute --I'm not cool with that! ) so I'd do everything I could to just try to get your mind off of him and detach, whilst insisting/offering a meeting possibility asap at the same time. Hopefully a meeting will pan out and you will get to call his bluff and see if there's anything to back up all this talk talk talk.
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#204 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:41 PM
 
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You're right, you're right..i was just giving myself this talk
I *always* want to give so much and often end up regretting it.
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#205 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 07:43 PM
 
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(he seems irritatingly ok with letting you loose right this minute --I'm not cool with that! )

yeah, i'm not cool with it either
i texted him yesterday evening just saying, talk some time?, since he'd said let's chat when you feel better. not a word since.

---

edited to cut out my negativity. that can't be a good thing to be putting out in the universe right now..
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#206 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 09:10 PM
 
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I just wanted to add in my two cents. On this thread there is a lot of talk about guys and how to judge whether they want something long term or just a bit of fun.

In my recent personal experience, Swimming Guy had a couple of days where there were some red flags raised. He told me that I too had raised a few red flags for him. But no dealbreakers. We ended up talking about them (and often do), and our relationship has really strengthened into something deeper. The relationship has its ups and downs (literally and figuratively), but I am so glad I didn't just throw in the towel the second I saw a red flag raised. Because it was drowned out by all the GREEN flags he had raised.
In every single situation that has been less than comfortable, we've always worked things out (even the jealously thing has now died down - he apologised, told me he had been acting like an a--, and said that Swiss Guy should stay at my place. We talked on the phone last night for over an hour, and our email exchange today has gotten back to its normal frequency and mushiness.

None of us are perfect, and most of us have some sort of baggage to bring into a relationship (ie children). Maybe it really depends on the guy, but I am not perfect and am perfectly happy being with someone whom I feel I can progress with. I have some things to work on, so does he. It's fun to work on them as a team.

Just my little two cents.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#207 of 295 Old 10-21-2009, 09:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holly, things with your guy sound great. Your post reminds me of Seie's from last winter/spring about how things with her amour are not perfect either, but he's still perfect for her.





I'm happy for you partnered mamas.
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#208 of 295 Old 10-22-2009, 12:03 AM
 
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fourtrees~ in the same boat. going to consider the swap the kids with other moms (single or not) and actually know some moms who do it (but no more "room") and they do it as a triangle. it works out that one mom works one day but gets TWO days off! seems better than switching to me!

gotta run...pizza be back later *flys off with super cape*
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#209 of 295 Old 10-22-2009, 12:09 AM
 
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Muse: I’m wondering why he waited so long to tell you about his past experiences with long distance treks? Hasn’t there been ample opportunity before?
Holly: You were very honest and open with him which is so great, but you seem to be apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t see any reason to have this guy leave because your bf is feeling insecure. I agree with sagesgirl comments…there is a better way to word things than “you take me out of my comfort zone” followed by “I can’t talk about this”. You made a big sacrifice for him, and gave a complete explanation of why you had every right to have him there.
Sagesgirl: Congrats to you! I’ve been reading your other updates and can feel the love exuding between the lines. It seems like you are so energized by him. Enjoy!
Fourtrees: I know your frustration. My daughter was two before I got any time away. Maybe you could a trusted adult to let your kids watch a movie at their house while you do some “errands”. Promise to bring a movie and snacks and to be gone for the 120minutes of movie time. This might help them feel like they are not babysitting just keeping things safe.
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#210 of 295 Old 10-22-2009, 12:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sbphotogr View Post
Muse: I’m wondering why he waited so long to tell you about his past experiences with long distance treks? Hasn’t there been ample opportunity before?
Yup. there are many *many* questions like this that are running through my head right now. And at the same time for 3-4 weeks there was something very very real and powerful going on there. Even my *most* cynical and jaded friend said it would be a tragedy if we never managed to meet. And now I think I might be in that tragedy. The whole thing is totally baffling to me. Totally baffling. I feel like I was in a dream for a month and just woke up. I never even went *looking* for this, that's the irony...and really I do *not* get taken in easily at all, I looked for cracks at every step of the way..

Here's all that makes sense to me. He said a week or 2 ago, "This seems too good to be true". he said that so far in our communication he was finding everything he had ever yearned for and wasn't sure he could ever find. And that he was getting very close to jumping on a plane. And right after that he took 10 steps back. I think trust is his issue. Fear. He got talking on sunday about random fears of ill health, unemployment, etc and asking what my fears were, and I told him I'm not a fearful person, I have a lot of trust in the universe...there's the difference.

Wow, I promise you guys I have only once before in my life met a man that i needed to think/talk about this much...I truly believe soul mates can be very complicated, and we're not always meant to meet or be with them in this lifetime. I would never have been sure about that with my last one if he hadn't died. That certainly brought closure. I want closure of *some* (happier) kind with this one. Puhlease.
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