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Old 10-26-2009, 09:10 PM
 
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My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here? He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no. I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.
Is the last added picture of this guy? If it is I would go for a second date!!!
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes that's him. I told ya'll he's handsome. Or at least nice looking.
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Old 10-27-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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Hi girls

Sorry I am not around much these days. Well since I don't really belong anymore then I hope you don't mind me checking in on you from time to time. I don't have the energy to keep up with it all though so - hope its ok.

Butterfly: You really have been at it for a long time - considering all the men you have met with/been connected with in the past year, then really a prince should have revealed himself by now. I wonder if there is something about the way you go about it that you need to change since you aren't meeting the right guys? I wonder if some of the things you actively look for are also very compatible with "players"? (such as tall, handsome hunk or big ego or - well macho things really?) I dont know. I maybe way off so just putting that outthere.

Loveohm: It does sound like you really care about your guy and I agree that if you expect someone else to love you with flaws and all - then you do the same back. Just remember that you can only offer your support. He has to do the hard work and he has to be the one to wish and really work for things to change. If you don't feel him committing to doing that I would consider if maybe it's better to move on.
Not easy when it comes to love though is it. Either you love or you don't - and if you do then making rational decisions is almost impossible. I hope you two end up together though. It sounds like love to me

Here - still with my sweet BF. We have our disagreements about our future together. We still dont seem to be able to get to an agreement about whether to one day have children together or not. That pains me a lot. But apart from that I am even more in love than I was. I am really obsessive - sometimes worrying if it is too much. He is always so CALM - it can drive me nuts cause I am always good for drama. In some ways it's good - in some ways it's - hard. I cant leave my hands off of him - not even when he needs to sleep. He is really sweet about it - calm as always. But argh..

Hugs all around.. gotta run..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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Old 10-27-2009, 12:03 PM
 
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brittneyscott I don't know much about Nemo but if it's going to fast then you can slow it down. The Agent also forced a "relationship" before it was time and in hindsight I think it's best to slow things down as soon as you see they are moving too quickly because once you go along with it that opens a door for them to take that as an okay to run even faster.

While you and others seems bothered by the bartender comment I see a different picture. Bartending is often thought of as a transitional or in the mean time job not as a long term career. I personally would not want my boyfriend to be away at night without it being for a larger goal of his at the end (i.e. he is bartending while going thru school or pursuing his acting dreams, etc.) Does that make sense? Then there is the insecurity in the lifestyle that goes on when people are drinking..... I did not take the conversation he had with his grandmother to mean you would be at home having babies (which is not a bad thing either if you want that down the road after knowing him quite a but longer) but to mean that bartending is something you are doing for now and that perhaps he is open to being supportive of whatever career or life plans you desire in the future.

One last thought on that topic if he were 100% okay with you being in a bar each night that would make me wonder about him.... pimps are supportive of their women being objectified (sorry but even if you are fully clothed a beautiful female bartender + drunk men can lead those men to looking at you in a sexual way). Most men I know are selfish and want their women to themselves further a good man should want to protect you and I can see why someone might want to protect their girlfriend who is a bartender. Is that not actually a sweet sentiment, even if you disagree?

sugarmoon thanks for the support I am taking care of myself and just being there for him, writing him, etc. and only as a friend, for now. Keep us updated on this lunch date today!


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I think it's a valid choice to be supportive and not give up on it. There may come a time when that's not the case but based on what you wrote it seems fine. I do understand your disappointment though. Take care of yourself.
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LoveOhm, I think it's the right thing to do to stick around since you've known each other for years and he has so far done nothing destructive in his behavior that you have mentioned knowing about, so no reason to cut ties or anything. I'm sorry that you have just found out that someone you care very much for has a pretty tough road to recovery ahead of him. That's rough for him and all of you who love him. again, hugs.
Thanks DanishMom and Butterflymom I do really appreciate the understanding and you are right there may come a time when I change my mind but for now it seems like the right thing to do! No I do not know of anything destructive in his behavior but that hard part is not knowing "why" he is there or "why" he has a reason to be unhappy. Yes, I see the lack of quality friends, I see that people use him and don't value him but he has all the keys to his own happiness. He has a BA degree from a good university, has a law degree, has family connections, has start up funds for his own biz if he approached his family with a good business plan, is incredibly caring / sweet, etc. I don't see what he has to be unhappy about that he could not address on his own without the need for false happiness in the club or with insincere friends. I guess I just want to know the why as well as what triggered him to get help. Is it to avoid a DUI is he taking this seriously if that's the case? I have alot of questions but from what I have read on addiction and recovery I should not ask those questions yet.... it can be too pressuring on the addict especially while they are fragile which is why the rehab center is not allowing phone calls, emails, etc. in this initial phase..... It is just tough because I do care, I want to know why so I can try to be supportive at that root than just on the surface.

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My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here? He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no. I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.
Do you think perhaps you are just feeling unhappy with dating in general? You don't have he zest from the outset it seems lately. He is nice looking, sounds like the date had potential. Can you be picking him apart looking for the bad because you are being guarded? Or he might just not be the one....

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 10-27-2009, 02:51 PM
 
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Just read my post before and wanted to add to Butterflymom: That came out a bit wrong maybe. What I mean is - you are a great lady and deserve the best. I just think its weird that so many of the men you have met have turned out to be - well not good enough for you. That was what made me wonder. Or maybe I am just prejudice about goodlooking, tall, intelligent men Loveohm may have a point. Maybe you have just reached a point of dating overload? Thinking about you

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Old 10-27-2009, 03:45 PM
 
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Seie I agree with you about Butterflymom but also want to note that she has already several times in the past few pagges of this thread reveled that she sees this herself. I could be wrong but I feel where she is at now is along the lines of "What do I do differently?" "What items in my appraoch to dating should I change?" and to me at least it seems she is full open for suggestions.

On a side note and not to completely be Dr. Phil on you ladies (especially Butterflymom and this is not all directed at Seie) but I was quick to judge a fellow IRL single mom and her choices to be in the club, partying, drinking and jumping into bed to quickly with what I feel are too many men. Further, I feared she might do something to loose primary custody of her daughter like drinking and driving which she was doing EOW when her dd was away..... as I got to know her just a little more I found out the actions I judged where her way of coping with the time her dd was away from her. Yes she did want a new partner but in the approach to dating she was only filling a void left from her daughter being gone. Sometimes it's not just the appraoch to a situation on the surface level but all the other items affecting that from beyond the surface.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 10-27-2009, 04:28 PM
 
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Seie: Its good to see you back. I like having you come in and post even if you don't having dating updates and its just to give us an opinion.

Butterfly: I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your date more. I think maybe a break from dating is a good idea right now so you can clear your head. Maybe you need to rethink want you want and are looking for so you can have better luck. I think I definitely need to clear my head here lately.

LoveOhm: I think you sticking it out right now is the best thing. You sound very dedicated and hopefully that dedication will pay off. I can understand having concern over what is going on and why he is there but if he is voluntarily there than that is a good sign. Maybe he'll be more willing to work on whatever issues he has that way and you can have a better relationship because of it.

As for here I can see your point with the bartender comment. I know a lot of people only bartend for short periods of time and I see the major turn over we have but I love my job. Its crazy sometimes but I really enjoy it. I've been doing this for 5yrs and honestly I still love it. I am in school though so maybe there is some confusion about that? I need to talk to him about it because it is possible he thought I was just doing this while I'm in school and doesn't realize I may end up staying anyways. I think maybe I'm just being defensive about my independence. Honestly a mutual friend said something the other day about me needing to "find a good man" so I don't have to worry about working so much and can stay home with the kids. Then the friend starts saying how great Nemo is blah blah blah. So I think I was just defensive after that. I felt like my independence was being challenged or something. I'm going to talk to him about it before I go making any decisions over the comment. We'll see what happens.
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Old 10-27-2009, 04:32 PM
 
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Here - still with my sweet BF. We have our disagreements about our future together. We still dont seem to be able to get to an agreement about whether to one day have children together or not. That pains me a lot. But apart from that I am even more in love than I was. I am really obsessive - sometimes worrying if it is too much. He is always so CALM - it can drive me nuts cause I am always good for drama. In some ways it's good - in some ways it's - hard. I cant leave my hands off of him - not even when he needs to sleep. He is really sweet about it - calm as always. But argh..

Hugs all around.. gotta run..
I am happy you and your BF and still working at it. I understand the calm being a little batty for you. I have a family member like that.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 10-27-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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brittneyscott,

Nemo might have told his grandmother about your profession, and as she's from a different generation (where women who worked in bars were not the type men committed to or married) he might had said that to ease her mind about you bartending. If you haven't met the grandmother yet, maybe he doesn,t want her to have made up her mind she doesn,t like you before she actually meets you. Talk to him about it. Let him know how important bartending is to you.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 10-27-2009, 06:53 PM
 
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Ok, ladies. I've met someone and it's very serious! We met this weekend and spent all the time together on saturday and sunday talking and talking and a bit of kissing.

I'm really blown away by this guy and he feels the same. He is a great person and I don't think I've ever met a man that I felt was a great person. There are no red flags, no doubts, no flaws. He is the guy with the icescraper and has proved to be already. I'm happy

He is completly in love with me already and there is nothing scarry about it. It's such a calm and happy feeling compared to the men I've been in love with before who all had some minor red flags (turned into bigger ones of course) rigth from the start.
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Old 10-27-2009, 09:03 PM
 
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Butterfly - If there's anything I learned from the experience of my AWFUL marriage, and also learning from the mistakes and successes of my friends' relationships, it's that considerate and well-mannered can easily trump exciting and sexy. Actually, at this point in my life. considerate and stable seem pretty darn sexy. I'd definitely give this gentleman at least one more try!

DanishMom - woohoo! Keep us posted.

Britney
- I'd just be upfront about your career/school plans and goals.

LoveOhm - take what you want from this, leave the rest. I have been in relationship with a recovering alcoholic. It did not work out, and it was really bad for him. We both thought that I could have my life (socializing with alcohol involved) and he would not join b/c being in those situations was a trigger. But that really wasn't workable. As we became closer, we didn't want to have these separate lives. I was not willing to give up my friends, or only socialize with them at dry events. I became a bit of a substitute addiction/obsession (this is not uncommon with recovery - meetings can also become a replacement). Ultimately, he ended up relapsing. In AA, new romantic relationships are very strongly discouraged for quite some time. I'm not totally sure if you're just friends or more, or somewhere in between - forgive me. This thread moves so fast! I would assume that if he's in a rehab program, there's a very good reason for it. Very few non-addicts end up in rehab. Consider the changes that he will likely need to make if he's serious about staying sober - no more party life. If that was a mainstay of your time together, that means giving it up. I am not at all saying you need to cut him off. Just proceed with caution. I have quite a few loved ones who are either active addicts or in recovery. It's not something that *you* can fix. You can be supportive, but also keep your boundaries, and don't feel that you are responsible for his success or lack thereof. He is. Also, addicts/alcoholics can be VERY high functioning. In fact, high-functioning alcoholics are often less likely to "hit bottom" and manage to continue drinking for decades. As I said, take what you will from this. NO flames at all!

Seie
- I hope you can come to agreement on the child issue!

Sugarmoon - How did it go?

As for me - I had my third date with my guy (I really need a nickname). It was nice, and I really like him! He's, how shall I say it, very old fashioned in a certain way - things will move s-l-o-w-l-y. I first thought that would be boring or weird, but honestly, it's really nice. I feel this really nice absence of pressure. I'm enjoying getting to know him. He's fun, in terms of suggesting things to do, and refreshingly straightforward. He seems very kind. He's also much more of my peer than my X was. I think our values are pretty similar too. I have no idea if this will turn into something serious - we both have our own fairly complicated lives in terms of kids & custody - but I'm having a lot of fun right now.
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He's, how shall I say it, very old fashioned in a certain way - things will move s-l-o-w-l-y. I first thought that would be boring or weird, but honestly, it's really nice. I feel this really nice absence of pressure. I'm enjoying getting to know him. He's fun, in terms of suggesting things to do, and refreshingly straightforward. He seems very kind. He's also much more of my peer than my X was. I think our values are pretty similar too. I have no idea if this will turn into something serious - we both have our own fairly complicated lives in terms of kids & custody - but I'm having a lot of fun right now.
This sounds really great. I'm excited to see it unfold in this healthy, adult way! He must be genuinely interested in something real potentially developing with you or he wouldn't be wasting all this time.

LoveOhm was very wise on this page so I'll leave everything else alone.

DanishMom--pics of this brand new guy please?
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Old 10-28-2009, 02:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Seie, I am happy for you that you feel so in love with the guy who has been by your side for nearly a year now! Hopefully the couple of long-standing issues will not become dealbreakers.

Brittney, I see LoveOhm's point. The standard assumption about students who work as bartenders is that it's not something people will continue after graduation. it's just a very common assumption. Just speak openly about your plans and that might clear everything up.

I dunno about Australian Guy. He wanted to see me tonight and I passed, for good reason. Instead a new friend (friend of a friend) who is a professional actor came over and helped me write the script to a murder mystery party I'm hosting in a couple of weeks. It was so fun!! There wasn't sexual chemistry between me and this guy that I could notice but we had a blast together and had maybe so much fun we couldn't stop to 'scope' each other out and decide if we wanted to flirt. But we are obviously becoming friends and that seems like a good goal. He's a bit older than I target (a solid decade+) and looks more like 1.5 decades older than me (and guys I date) by appearances, but has a fitness-competitor's body!
But like I said, I don't have any feeling that it's going to be romantic with him, just glad I found out about him through a friend and at first meeting, we hit it off famously and will become friends (we both have 6 year old sons, also). That's a nice thing. Who knows, maybe that will pan into something down the line. sugarmoon and I got a theory today that perhaps just clicking with cool men and becoming friends with them FIRST and then down the line perhaps seeing if a spark happens is better than my typical pattern of hooking up with men, dating a bit, and then ruling them out as a romantic partner and THEN morphing them into the 'friends zone' and becoming good friends with them. WHy not change up my routine? We all know it's not working.

But wait a minute, just because i've been single for -gasp!- an entire year of my life, is that a huge failure and sign I'm 'doing something terribly wrong'? I haven't been single since I was 18 until just 14 months ago. 3 of these past months were entangled exclusively with VGB so really it's not even been a whole year that I've been single & dating around. Maybe it's a good thing not to settle down with just an 'okay' guy that comes along and wait for something that I feel really really strongly about..... Besides look at the successes from my social style. I have a TON of great friends I've made along the way, partly from my active dating style. I need more than my fingers to count the men in my life that are good friends to me these days that I wouldn't have met if it hadn't been for all my dating adventures. a solid 4-6 of my best friends in town are male, and most of them were date-duds that I hung onto as friends. and you know what? Two of those great male friends of mine that were date-duds for me, ended up partnering up with two of my best girlfriends. I don't see any of this as bad. I've expanded a really rich, diverse, fun, and entertwined social web from nothing, in one year flat. Everyone in it seems to be thrilled that they are part of it and more than once have I heard, "My social life has really picked up tremendously since I met you and started meeting your friends, etc" and its' so obvious via facebook to see how those webs have just snowballed and friendships and even romances started up, having met through me.

Just because I'm currently still single and haven't met the man of my dreams doesn't mean that my social style is horribly wrong in every way. Does it? :scratc: I mean, good things have come out of it, and my life continues to improve. Does everyone here think I am doing things 100% wrong/badly? :


since I am open to meeting a partner, I do, however, want to try some new techniques/methods since I have no shortage of pals and really do want a boyfriend figure for the wintertime to cuddle up with while it snows outside. I started a new online profile on a serious-minded dating site for this area and I've started being more serious-toned and less fun-loving(my normal style of personality) in my online 'hunting.' My mom suggests I get less glammed up and wear less high stiletto heels when going out and lighter makeup. I think I'll try that approach. Maybe the men who spot me across a crowded room and make a beeline are in it for the 'game' or 'conquest' or 'bragging rights' when I am all dolled up like a barbie doll, and the men who will notice me and get 'dumb-struck' when I am more plain-faced and down to earth looking are the right ones. It's worth a try/change of approach....

Maybe the guys online who say they aren't pointedly looking for anything serious (but then usually admit they never know when the right woman might come along) but are still open to meeting me are just trying to make themselves sound better and I should stay far away from them because they are pretty darned closed (if not 1000%) to any sort of exclusive relationship. Normally if he's smart and hot I'd go for it anyway and see if I couldn't 'change' his mind. Probably a waste of effort/energy. I had a guy like that for Thursday that i think I will instead cancel with even though his photo is charming as hell. He admitted he's not really on the hunt for anything seriou and I should take it at face value and not think that once he meets me he'll be singing a different tune....

SE wants to see me tomorrow night and spend the night, etc, but I am starting to wonder if I should waste my time. I could grab a girlfriend, go out and sing karaoke or listen to a live band at the irish pub, and meet someone new. Or at least get out of my home. Why do I need to play house inside with someone who isn't ever going to be my boyfriend? He smells and cuddles-through-the-night so good, it's a nice substitute, but it's not gonna happen with him. Maybe I should cool things off and stop wasting my time. I'd normally be inclined to cook him dinner, cuddle up with him, and play house. Why do I owe him that?

Maybe I'd rather hang out with that 40+ year old theatre actor again actually, if he'd be free. He was so interesting. Or maybe our activity was just that much fun. Not sure.

I have a coffee date on monday with a guy I met on the serious-minded dating site and I'm feeling 'blah' about it even though he's got himself a really great face and warm smile. He just didn't seem enthused about it and if he's not excited to meet me now, when will he be?


I think I'm pretty much ok with spending quite a lot of my empty time going out with new men, and with a few tweaks in my approach, maybe some different results will come my way. and if not, it's not so bad being single and patiently waiting for the right one to come along. When he does, I'll be so glad i waited and didn't settle for just an 'ok' guy. I feel confident that day will come.
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Old 10-28-2009, 03:38 AM
 
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I don't think you are doing anything terribly wrong but I also think it's really mature for you to admit something is not working and make adjustments as you see fit. I don't think you need to do a 360 in your appearance and actions just think on what you feel should adjust and make those 1-2 adjustments not a complete overhaul of the wonderful you.

I want to share that I also reflect and ask what could have have done differently? What would lead to change the end result? Did I want the end result to be different? What can I do to appeal to the ideal dream man whom I would desire for myself....? How can I work on me while on the quest for a potential partner? (This is when I often have a list like the one I quoted yesterday) I think the majority of single women make adjustments in themselves the might have surfaced from dating.....

I change things up, 2nd Husband is easy going but really loves my hair blown out, the Agent likes my hair curly..... both like the way I dress but both also know I'm high maintenance (which I know the Agent has a love hate relationship with, I think it's fine with 2ndHusband but that is because he & I share similar backgrounds and I doubt he views those things as high maintenance, I didn't). The Gangster completely loathed my handbag to the point he asked me to leave it in the car one evening when we went to dinner..... (that was several years back though my handbags are all upgraded now). So in short, you are not at all alone in making adjustments. For me my being high maintenance sadly cuts alot of men out as potential dates from the outset, it also could put any future husband and I in the poor house if I don't keep one foot standing firm on reality and economics. I know the hair and handbag are superficial examples but my being high maintenance is something deeper that I constantly have to balance and double check while dating....

Really we all make adjustments it's healthy.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:36 AM
 
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Butterflymom: I think you did a great job creating a circle of friends for yourself. That takes a lot of commitment and hard work - but I am also sure that it is well worth the investment. It sounds like you really needed to have a year to just do exactly what you wanted. I think your own thoughts about doing a few things differently sound very mature and healthy. Its good to take time to make a status every now and then and match your goals with your progress and methods. I do think your moms advice makes a lot of sence. Really in the end you want someone who sees what is on the inside someone who loves you for YOU - not for your good sexy looks. Also a man is more likely to consider you long term potential if you send "serious" vibes rather than babe-vibes.
If you want a few - very subjective - ideas on what you could change then what I have noticed is that you seem to be very focussed on good looks. There is nothing wrong with good looks, but if it is non-negotiable then it really limits your choices a lot. Same goes for the height issue. I dont mean to be judgemental - we all have our personal preferences its just that - what if your "one and only" - your true soulmate if there even is such a thing - is short and not exactly model potential? Just putting the thought outthere.
Also what kind of men do you prefer carreerwise? Do the men you have dated have something in common? Maybe try to look in a complete different direction. Maybe your future partner for life is a teacher or a plummer?
All just food for thought. I think it makes very good sense to be more fokussed on looking for men who are interested in finding a long term partner. Hoping to turn someones head unfortunately rarely happens if they are mostly looking for a good time.

Roseship: The guy you are seeing sounds very promising. My BF preferred to move slowly too in some ways. Its a good sign that they are willing to invest time getting to know you IMO. Good luck.

Danishmom: Looks like I must have been missing something about your dating life in the past months.. I should go back and check up..

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Old 10-28-2009, 12:46 PM
 
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If we really want a partner, when we really feel it is safe to get into a committed relationship and when we know in our hearts we deserve to be loved for who we are, we meet partner material men.

The people we meet always offer us a reflection. If we meet one dud...it has less importance than meeting multiple people that all seem to be missing the elements we say we want.

If we're meeting people who aren't meeting the criteria we are really wanting in our hearts, it's time to go within and look at ourselves. What is holding me back? What do I need to heal in myself to start being a match for a partner?

When that work is done, partner material men appear out of the woodworks and they are also sexy and hot and exciting.
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Old 10-28-2009, 02:23 PM
 
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i find that "hot" is subjective. NO ONE is really that great looking in a picture unless they are actually super models (and i won't turn one down! ) but then I look purely superficially at the people I HAVE dated and they aren't really that hot either! They do become good looking with their personality and my liking them.

I haven't even DATED that much online or gone out and my enthusiasim is kinda lacking. I think that meeting online is more draining that meeting people out and about. I don't really have the option of out and about so online is the only option however Butterfly you have that great social network going for you which I think opens up your possibilities a million fold. These people caught YOUR eye as potential dates therefore their friends and friends of friends should have similar characteristics on some level but be different people. I'd wade (without purpose) through those connections. I think the "criteria" will be more lax (i.e. if chemistry is sparked with a short round bald man hehe) your brain will totally override those "not what I want" thoughts. For example Non Commital cutie kinda looks like every other shortish bald (shaved head hot!) military guy around here but for some ODD reason I latched onto him at my friends party just to talk to (yes i was drinking). Come to find out he's got a rock hard body under those clothes, decent at dancing, when he looked at me with his not special eye color woweeee I smoldered and he really turned me on! Whoda thunk?!

Not much to report here. Going to have to figure out how to make sure RR doesn't take up all of my free non kid time without hurting his feelings.
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Old 10-28-2009, 02:28 PM
 
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That is a great post, Danielle. Totally true. And part of why online dating kinda totally sucks.
:P
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Old 10-28-2009, 03:50 PM
 
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Butterflymom I don't think you are necessarily doing anything wrong. Maybe you just haven't run into the right one yet. I think if you are experiencing burnout though it might be a good idea to take a step back. In the bigger picture you haven't been single long and there's no need to rush into a relationship just to have one. I'm positive you will find what you are looking for eventually. Of course I don't really know how much help I can be right now. I think I need to take a step back and think about things too.

I agree with everyone that bartending usually is a supplemental short term job so I can see where there might have been some confusion and I'm going to talk to him about it this weekend. Nemo does suit a lot of what I want though so I'm not too quick to just toss him away. He's sweet, cute, has a good sense of humor, we have a lot of the same interests. There are a few major details I still need to see if we agree on though but I will soon. I guess he'll just see what happens.
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Old 10-28-2009, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If we really want a partner, when we really feel it is safe to get into a committed relationship and when we know in our hearts we deserve to be loved for who we are, we meet partner material men.


: What's the time frame? If we're not actually self-loathing and broken (and know in our hearts we are lovable, etc) does a commitment-minded kind of guy (who will also be hot and sexy and exciting - rock on ) come along within say, 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months? : Or, ....does it actually take longer sometimes for true love to saunter on by? What amount of time of being single is a sign that one must be in need of major self-reflection and healing from within in order to not send the right type of guy fleeing in the opposite direction? :


Apparently, being single for ten months (since VGB & I were done with our 3 month whirlwind love affair, which started up 2 months after I divorced) is proof apparent that I am absolutely in need of an overhaul and everything is about what's inside me and not because either

a) I have high standards and don't want to repeat mistakes (i.e. settling, overlooking red flags) from my failed marriage
b) I'm very outgoing and social by nature so therefore my 'volume' so to speak of people I have gotten to know in one year of moving to a big, new city and going out a lot as well as networking online a lot has been tremendous and it would have been impossible as an attractive woman not to have quite a few 'dud' stories, which vastly outnumber the 'gem-but-not-for-me' stories. (Tons of) kind of lame men are just impossible to keep at bay when you are tall, slim, and lovely, and seemingly available. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me.
c) I prioritize developing a thriving support system and network of true friends, i.e. surrogate family for myself (as a foreigner, thousands of miles from familiarity) far above partnering up with 'someone'
d) I don't mind being single and at peace in my sanctuary of a home (I'm a survivor of an abuser, remember?), as opposed to partnering up to fill an emptiness/loneliness
e) I value good people whom I meet, who are absolutely ice scraper types, but whom I feel no 'spark' with, so much that I wouldn't want them to be with a woman who doesn't get zazazoom feelings for them. They deserve that and can find that. I'm not that. I pass on men and convert them into good pals and let them continue on their search for love if I don't feel I can offer them that. I don't think that's a bad thing.
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Old 10-28-2009, 04:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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you seem to be very focussed on good looks. There is nothing wrong with good looks, but if it is non-negotiable then it really limits your choices a lot. Same goes for the height issue. ..
I have 'a type' that has been consistently the kind of guy I've found really appealing, for 15 solid years now and I have tried SO many times in the last year to make exceptions and date outside that box. CAD (suicidal architect) was totally outside that and way shorter and less attractive than my normal type. GA was way shorter. I've been pretty flexible in the last year but my heart just flutters for tall, lanky, gangly, nerdy types in thick glasses with heart-melting smiles and sparkling eyes. They dont' have to be super handsome or polished and actually that turns me off if they use hair product or it's obvious they spend ANY amount of time in front of the mirror on their hair or anything. Obliviousness about hair and fashion and facial hair issues is kind of a turn on to me, as it enhances the absent-minded-professor nerdy thing I value so much. Big muscles turn me off, usually. It's not that I go for hunks and only hunks. But fair skin, not terribly much body hair, over 6', and a face I simply like to look at (this does NOT always mean an objectively handsome face) and a smile that really really like to look at, is my type and that's that. The height thing is possible to fudge on if there are other compensating qualities, and the body hair issue, but just liking someone's face is kind of important. Trying to force myself to go for shorter-than-me, out-of-shape guys with faces that repel me is kind of silly, don't you think? NOT that that's what you were saying at all. I just mean that perhaps it seems from your vantage point that my focus is on 'hunky good looks' but my particular taste is more quirkly and weird than that, although yes they tend to have handsome faces most of the time as well. I'm ok with having the bar set relatively high/specific on the looks issue, but then again if some guy has an amazing personality and he isn't my ideal, looks-wise, then I'll surely end up attracted to him anyways. I'm open to that happening at some point.
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Old 10-28-2009, 04:49 PM
 
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ITA with Butterflymom in asking about the timeframe of MsChatsAlot's theory.

I think timing and luck have a lot to do with meeting the right guy, as do other factors like environment (say, being in a large metropolitain area) and child care situation. If you live in a small town of say, 300 people, you could be the best catch in the world and still not find the person for you.

I believe that life in a journey in which we constantly need to look inward, reflect on ourselves and our values. The key is finding someone who's willing to walk along beside you and hold your hand while you do this, and vice versa.

My two cents (maybe I should upgrade to $2, since 2 cents isn't worth much anymore)

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 10-28-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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What's wrong with preferring a guy who is good looking (in our eyes)?
Life is too short to just go out with someone for the sake of going out with someone.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 10-28-2009, 05:37 PM
 
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i have to point something out: my mother (turning 50 this year next month!) is still single. Never remarried after divorcing my dad. She had 3 serious (and i mean living with us, figureing out what to call a VERY potential stepfather etc) men before I turned 12ish (i think) then things stopped...why? I don't know, neither does she. Personally I say in an off the beat manner she has become seriously picky. But she has that right. She spent the last 20 years looking for Mr. Right and finding NULL. I don't know what was "wrong" with the before men. It doesn't matter now. However I do totally believe that her surrondings were abborhent to meeting anyone on a good enough level. She and I are alike in our differences of wants. And butterfly I think you (and so many people on MDC) have these 2 sides of opposite world wants. I understand that though! I love the city and want to live IN the city but I love the earth and want to build a little "shack" on 5 acres somewhere and be able to hunt my own (or rather my hubby/love to hunt) our food. Not only appreciate the simple but have a complex mind etc etc etc. Anyways my point is that you CAN be a good person with wants, desires and nothing unrealistic but still look for 20 yrs and not find it. Doesn't mean there's anything WRONG with you. I can't offer a solution...cause there isn't one. My mom moved halfway across the country and although she doesn't have any new love prospects I can see that her life has become more positive FINALLY.
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Old 10-28-2009, 05:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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nothing unrealistic but still look for 20 yrs and not find it. Doesn't mean there's anything WRONG with you.
I've had less than a year of my adult life where I've been single and poking around and haven't yet settled down with a lasting love that makes my heart sing, and I don't stress that it means it might be 20+ years of loneliness ahead of me. of course it's a possibility, the universe does not owe me a true love. But I have such a big heart, and such a warm, open, engaging personality that just has attracted such amazing people to me. One of these days it'll be more than just friends and I don't think it'll actually take allll that long. I'm around a couple of million people who are all tightly connected (no more than 2 degrees of separation between anyone in this metro area) and fast building a very positive reputation for myself and meeting new people nearly daily, so one of these days, a guy who is right for me will come across and stick. He just will.

Those months with VGB showed me that I shouldn't settle for anything less than a love that makes me want to weep from gratitude to the universe. I won't.
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i find that "hot" is subjective.
:

For me, it's the warmth of the smile, and if the eyes are smiling that really melts me and makes my heart skip a beat. It's so subjective. Libido issues are tricky and largely out of our control....
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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But I have such a big heart, and such a warm, open, engaging personality that just has attracted such amazing people to me. One of these days it'll be more than just friends and I don't think it'll actually take allll that long. I'm around a couple of million people who are all tightly connected (no more than 2 degrees of separation between anyone in this metro area) and fast building a very positive reputation for myself and meeting new people nearly daily, so one of these days, a guy who is right for me will come across and stick. He just will.
Your positivity and self esteem ROCKS!

We all deserve the best. We deserve a partner we are physically attracted to on top of the other things we seek in a relationship. Nothing wrong with knowing what we want and putting it out there to the universe.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:01 PM
 
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Apparently, being single for ten months (since VGB & I were done with our 3 month whirlwind love affair, which started up 2 months after I divorced) is proof apparent that I am absolutely in need of an overhaul
I've been single for almost 2 yrs now. I only now feel like I'm truly ready to meet someone. There's no time frame, just a process of us readying ourselves, and being clear about our intentions and what we're looking for.

Oh and for me it's a process of TRUST; trusting myself, trusting others, trusting in the universe...
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:13 PM
 
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I've had less than a year of my adult life where I've been single and poking around and haven't yet settled down with a lasting love that makes my heart sing, and I don't stress that it means it might be 20+ years of loneliness ahead of me. of course it's a possibility, the universe does not owe me a true love. But I have such a big heart, and such a warm, open, engaging personality that just has attracted such amazing people to me. One of these days it'll be more than just friends and I don't think it'll actually take allll that long. I'm around a couple of million people who are all tightly connected (no more than 2 degrees of separation between anyone in this metro area) and fast building a very positive reputation for myself and meeting new people nearly daily, so one of these days, a guy who is right for me will come across and stick. He just will.

Those months with VGB showed me that I shouldn't settle for anything less than a love that makes me want to weep from gratitude to the universe. I won't.
i just wanted to clarify that my post was more to point out that time lines are iffy at best! a year is HARDLY a drop in the bucket so i wanted you to not feel bad that it felt like things weren't "working" well. and i also wanted to point out that mschatsalot's post although may have grounds but people asked about timelines so i put in my experience!
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Old 10-29-2009, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DanishMom, photo?? You met him on an online site where he had a photo on display, right? and Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!! Is he doing anything with you to celebrate or is it just you and DS?



I know I sound super defensive, but I just wanted to point out that maybe a 10 month spread of time with a few little false starts but nothing really panning out into something monumental is not actualy any cause for alarm or frighteningly-major overhaul needed. I know plenty of my male and female friends who are very attractive, stable, intelligent, and grounded, in this city, who also fill alot of their free time accompanying me to cruise singles' scenes (or use internet) and also have come up empty handed after plenty of little initial discoveries, as well, for periods of time spanning many months to even a few years. Sometimes luck plays a huge hand in stumbling across someone you could fall deeply in love with at the right place and the right time.
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