*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-18-2009, 04:24 PM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post

I just don't like this at all though. The implications that women need to be "pure" and "giving it away" freak me out. I'm not "giving anything away". I'm sharing in my sexuality and sensuality. I'm not an object or a "benefit". My hugs and kisses are not payment. They are a mutually satisfying gift for both of us. We both benefit. This is teaching women to use their sexuality for control over men.

Sorry LoveOhm. Steve Harvey can, well, you know.


Seems to me that these are "rules to the game" and I'd only need the rules if I wanted to play the game, with a fellow player. I don't.

And you know...the sex thing. Complications and I never had sex, having agreed pretty early on that if we did, it would indicate a level of commitment that we wanted to be sure we were choosing. You know what? Not having had sex didn't do anything to lessen the sting when our relationship/friendship abruptly ended. The emotional intensity is what does it for me. The sex, I can walk away from.

And the Chapter One thing. Wow. I do agree that *some* men are like that, and in the past, I think I have been attracted to men whose egos are all wrapped up in their accomplishments (job/income/possesions), and part of why I like Artsy Teacher Guy so much is that he is so *not* like that. He is refreshingly in the present. For example, he has these wicked cool graffiti-esque murals he has painted on the walls of his apartment. He has spent a lot of time on them, and will spend more time before they're done. But then, he'll move out. And leave them behind. And that is fine with him. He likes making them, he likes looking at them, and he's able to move on.

I like that about him. I like that his life is sustainable and responsible, but he is not all wrapped up in his job and work or self-improvement endeavors. He is able to experience and enjoy the world.

LoveOhm, I hope you don't feel picked on. As we've said before, you and I live in very different worlds, and are also looking for different things. And I think that what you posted will spark a really good conversation here!
sugarmoon is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-18-2009, 04:28 PM
 
Oh the Irony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: grateful for truth
Posts: 3,448
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post



LoveOhm, I hope you don't feel picked on.
Me too. Any ire you detected was for Steve Harvey--not you.

I need to get back to work. I love working from home but it is so easy to get distracted and not work.
Oh the Irony is offline  
Old 11-18-2009, 04:31 PM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 879
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post
Oh gosh. I think He's Just Not That into You is enough of a dating book for me.

1) Some men are simple. Some are complex. Very. Ask me how I know...

2) I deny "my right" to have a man pay for everything. He doesn't have to "pay for my time". We share time. He asks me to dinner, he can pay. I ask him, I pay. We date awhile, we trade off or split the bill.

3) Standards are good. Maybe I'm looking for a plaything though...

4) Good questions. I think it is important to find out if there are dealbreakers before you fall in love. That makes things more complicated--you have to be willing to walk away.

5) 90 Day Rule. Hmmm...benefits work both ways. It's not all about HIS benefits--it is OUR benefits. I personally do not want to have sex before really knowing someone because it makes your hormones get a bit whacked which can lead to some strange things. Ask me how I know...

I just don't like this at all though. The implications that women need to be "pure" and "giving it away" freak me out. I'm not "giving anything away". I'm sharing in my sexuality and sensuality. I'm not an object or a "benefit". My hugs and kisses are not payment. They are a mutually satisfying gift for both of us. We both benefit. This is teaching women to use their sexuality for control over men.

Sorry LoveOhm. Steve Harvey can, well, you know.
OntheIrony: I couldn't agree more. It's seems like an almost Victorian view on women and sex and it freaks me out too - big time.

Paying for dinners etc. seems to be more ingrained in american culture. In Denmark woman pays for half or you take turns paying. Some men do pay but not the majority and only in the beginning of the relationship. I wouldn't be comfortable with a man paying for me all the time - unless there is a damn good reason. Like my fiance makes a lot of money and I'm a student. I would not accept it if I hadn't known for a long time. I would hate feeling that someone was paying for my time and attention, I will give it freely when I feel like it.
DanishMom is offline  
Old 11-18-2009, 06:14 PM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My problem with the "waiting" idea is not conceptual/political but physiological. I went into my post-marriage dating with the idea that I would wait, but my body was having none of that. It quickly became torture, and was seeming forced and artificial, like I could "control" things that way. I think I lasted 3 weeks MAX.

I do not think there's any formula for manipulating the outcome of relationships, unless it's simply: Be yourself. Obviously "going for it" early because you think you "should" is inauthentic and could be a bad idea, and by the same token, waiting because you "should" may be somewhat silly and distorting as well.

If both parties are being their most authentic, it's going to unfold, and that may be a short or long relationship, depending on the inherent potential.
zeta is offline  
Old 11-18-2009, 06:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

If both parties are being their most authentic, it's going to unfold, and that may be a short or long relationship, depending on the inherent potential.
ITA :


like sugarmoon said,
Quote:
Seems to me that these are "rules to the game" and I'd only need the rules if I wanted to play the game, with a fellow player. I don't.
If you're dealing with a smooth 'operator' who will take what he can get, and 'play' you if he gets half a chance, then that wouldn't have lasted long for me anyways, because I'd see he isn't the down-to-earth, genuine person looking to open his heart for the right girl. If a guy is focused on finding the right girl and opening his heart and making himself vulnerable for her, how many days elapse between meeting and intimacy won't matter if his heart begins stirring for me and gets more and more invested in me from day 1 onwards. No one will be busy counting days, because both sides will be busy falling in love and wondering when the next date is.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-18-2009, 09:49 PM
 
LoveOhm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In Writing Mode!
Posts: 1,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Actually I don't feel picked on at all! I wanted to throw these items out there to add it to the conversation. I have my own negative thoughts on Steve Harvey giving dating advice but I do think he has some points worthy of at least discussing among other single women!

But I do really appreciate you ladies being so sensitive to my feelings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post
I do not think there's any formula for manipulating the outcome of relationships, unless it's simply: Be yourself.....

If both parties are being their most authentic, it's going to unfold, and that may be a short or long relationship, depending on the inherent potential.
I fully agree with this and don't think anyone should follow a formula! By chance there are some key items highlighted in this book are naturally in sync with my authentic self.

Naturally I am not quick to bed men and honestly I don't know why..... other than it is just me. I don't feel I am "withholding" I more feel I don't know him like that........... yet and for me a huge part of the physical has to do with the emotional level there. But that is different for each woman and I don't judge women who make other decisions unless they are putting their kids in the middle of their relations with men and it's affecting the kids in a negative way. I did not take the author to say that women who sleep with men on early on don't have long term potential with that man but that we need to know the man with are sleeping with. The author gave a 90 day benefit comparison however you can indeed get to know someone sooner each couples timeline will be different.

With the asking questions, having clear expectations, etc. to me is not a formula or a game the author said nothing "new" - no wait for him to call you, no suggestions of cooking, dressing a certain way or whatnot. I think all relationship books should be taken with a grain of salt.

Anywhoo i just like adding to conversation!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
LoveOhm is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I talked with Chivalrous Hunter for hours on the phone tonight (I Hate business trips to Germany that last 5 days and 5 nights!) and I asked him the 5 questions! and then answered them back to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveOhm View Post
From Chapter 10: Five Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets In Too Deep
1) What are your short-term goals?
2) What are your long-term goals?
3) What are your views on relationships?
4) What do you think about me?
5) How do you feel about me?
He answered to 1) that he had some short term goals about seeing me this weekend and taking me out of my comfort zone and see how I respond to challenging situations and being pushed to my limits when not being the one totally calling the shots (our first three dates were entirely dictated and run by me, him just taking orders) and us learning more and more about each other asap....and some Christmas plans to see his parents, and some hobby and work things too. To 2) he said he wants to build a happy life with a partner, try to make her happy, and have aligning parenting philosophies and function as a coherent adult front towards his older children when all together, but said he didn't feel like he was shopping for an 'active stepmom' type female for his kids--just that his partner happily tolerated his children was enough for him. But remember those kids are middle school and high school aged, so it's kind of a different thing than those of us with young kids....by the time any woman would be marrying their dad (unless he leaps into marriage right-quick in the coming 24 months) they'll be high school and university so hardly the time to introduce a new adult into their life with any type of actual parental role. Since two of his three kids are so close to adulthood he's already happily anticipating grandfatherhood. The dude really digs babies. To 3) I can't remember what he said and to 4) he said he thinks I'm very clever, very high maintenance lady, probably very difficult to live with, and have a loaded weapon in my hand in terms of how I could potentially use my wits to manipulate or 'play' him. He's dealing with his own scary vulnerable position of falling in love with someone he sees has the mental resources to play games with him without him ever suspecting, but he also insists he really wants to trust me. Just that it's scary to take that leap of faith. I agreed with him on that. to 5) he said he has never met any woman even stronger than himself, and despite the difficult items from 4) that go hand in hand with that strength and confidence, he loves the whole of me, and has probably been waiting for someone strong like me, and to feel these types of complex, somewhat confusing but intense falling-in-love emotions as he is presented with the challenge of taming Butterflymom. You see, I have really acted like a diva thusfar, but I guess what I want is to test a guy and see if he runs away with that type of confident sassy attitude, and it's an authentic side of myself, and the public persona I normally enjoy entertaining others with, and it's necessary to see if a guy finds it exhausting and off-putting before he gets to see my more quiet, nurturing, giving sides which are more naturally appealing to men in general. I want a guy to love that side of me, but also kind of feel inspired to 'tame me' not in the way that he'd want to change anything about me but to stand up to me and show me in his eyes and by not just letting me get away with as much princess crap as I may playfully try to get away with, that he has just as much strength and confidence and playfulness to push back and engage in some faux power struggle and mock tension between us as we test one another (read: foreplay).

Seie asked me on facebook chat if it was theoretically possible that this guy is only interested in the chase and rush of early infatuation and always falls deeply into it in the beginning but once the newness and conquest wears off, bails. I asked him directly yesterday in a text message, if he was only into the chase, and he texted back something to the effect of, 'darling, when I had my teeth in your neck, the chase was over. this is the only type of huting where I engage in 'catch and release.' I have made my choice, and I never look back.'

HOT, no??? I think I might have slightly gasped at the swagger in that SMS. I need a guy who can flex a little bravado and surprise me (and put me in my place), even if he's really the sweet, kind, intelligent nerd-in-glasses that I also seek. There has to be some spice and some playfulness in a relationship. I want messages that make me tingle and I want to occasionally feel nervous (like when he says our weekend date is going to 'test my limits' and he's NOT talking sexually) at what he has planned/cooking up for us, because life should be an adventure. Your partner should be your partner-in-crime, and I love that he's so much older but has such a playful side. I couldnt' have him acting like a stuffy middle aged businessman in a suit who is uber-gentleman, all the time, and not get bored, ya know?

He's struggling in English, but it's his 5th language so I cut him slack.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 12:37 AM
 
LoveOhm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In Writing Mode!
Posts: 1,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow he does have quite a lot to say!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
LoveOhm is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:05 AM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Butterfly!

Can we say it yet?

Butterfly and CH up in a tree....

Ha! One of my RL friends is already teasing me "sugar has a boooooy friend..." and while I put her in her place, and am doing my darndest to keep myself in mine, in my mind, I'm waaaaaaaaaay ahead of myself.

And you know, I realize (and this seem so obvious now) that with any guy I am actually into, my mind *immediately* goes long term. With the other men I emailed and/or dated between Complications and Artsy Teacher Guy, there was none of that. With ATG, my mind had gone there before I even met him IRL. He mentioned an island he used to live on, and that in the summer of 2011, he is planning to go back there, just for the summer, and I immediately thought "I am going with him".

And you know, at this point? I'm planning on it. Shhhh, don't tell him. Those of you who are on my fb will see, my fb status for today "Sugarmoon is getting way ahead of herself. And she's enjoying it."

So thats where I'm at. ATG didn't come over tonight, as he had a 12 hr day at work, and had just gotten home at 6, but he is going to come tomorrow night.

Loveohm, I'm glad you spiced up the convo a bit! Butterfly, fun that you asked CH the questions, and yes, HOTHOTHOT, his answer about being in it for the chase!
sugarmoon is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't even fall asleep, I'm so excited for sugar and myself. this is so fun to crush so hard on someone new we met within the same week, who are equally smitten! Who would have thunk it. After nearly a year of being online single/dating mom confidantes without a single, truly viable prospect until last week. A couple days ago, ATG told his sister about you, and CH told his 15 year old son about me. Are our lives in sync or something?
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 02:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Well... he came over on Monday night and we talked and made out for 3.5 hours (no full on dancing... yet!). Honestly, I haven't had that much fun, intensity and connection in a very, very long time. It was absolutely amazing!

I realized how very similar we both are, or at least similar in the areas that matter the most: affection, ability to communicate, internal happiness/contentment with oneself and a positive, optimistic outlook on life. Four things that were truly detrimental in my relationship with S.

We text A LOT. Yesterday he told me he was going to the gym, "To keep it looking sexy for you." He is VERY athletic and active, which is great. When I asked him what his favorite dessert was, he replied, "YOU!" Oh, and my all-time favorite: "Fell asleep with the scent of your hair and perfume still on me. It was nice. )"

Ok, sorry... I am gushing a bit. I have never felt so bloody giddy before, it is absolutely nuts.

We have a date set up for Friday night, which is the day before ds and I leave for a week in Oregon.

Honestly, it is amazing and he is fabulous. I plan on enjoying every single moment.
oh goodness, how could I momentarily forget you and the Paralegal? Blessings happen in threes.... Yay!!! Of course the huge news last week was DM 's proposal. Things also sound promising for rosehip, too! Hope muse and chicago guy have a merry, christmasy meeting next month! Gosh I hope everyone has a special romance going on for the holidays! Makes that new year's eve countdown sweeter!
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 05:27 AM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
This is what happened this evening... in this exact order:

1. He told me that he wanted to give me his complete, undivided attention because he felt that we had something special together and he wanted to give it his all therefore, he cancelled his Match.com subscription! [btw: so did I]

2. He asked me a lot of great, thought-provoking, necessary relationship building questions about my past, what my goals are for the future, what I want/am looking for... basically those 5 questions that were discussed in LO's post. I was just surprised that HE asked them, typically I am the one to ask those questions and I never get such detailed and honest answers as I did from P (aka Mr. Paralegal).

3. We both shared a lot about our pasts, lessons learned, who we are, etc. It was so open, honest and thorough!!!!

4. We did a lot cuddling!!! It was great. I felt absolutely NO self-consciousness, anxiety, ackwardness or nervousness. It just felt so natural and easy. btw: At 40 yrs old... he has an amazing, muscular, athletic body!!!! Holy Macaroni!!!

So... that is where I am at! It happened A LOT faster than I had expected, which I think shows me how detached my relationship with S had become and how much I sacrificed my own needs/wants. Although, that relationship really was the catalyst for me to truly fine-tune and understand what my non-negotiables were in a relationship... what I HAD to have and what I NEED to have.

I just didn't expect to find it on the first time out and so soon. Therefore, I HAVE to be very conscious, aware and honest with myself (and P) about how I am feeling and what I need.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-19-2009, 05:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
: So, what are these non-negotiables? Can I be nosey and ask what it is you have to have, had to have, need to have, etc? I know it was last months' question and everything but....
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 06:03 AM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
: So, what are these non-negotiables? Can I be nosey and ask what it is you have to have, had to have, need to have, etc? I know it was last months' question and everything but....
1. Affectionate, in addition to being comfortable with their sexual self, is a HUGE one for me. I'm a very sexual and affectionate person. They are both a huge part of my being.

For the past 18+ months, I have held it back, denied it was necessary and just figured it was asking for too much. Plus, I knew the VERY valid reasons for why S wasn't affectionate and why he didn't view himself as a sexual person, which made it even more difficult.

2. Ability to communicate... fully, honestly and in a healthy manner.

3. Being happy, truly happy, with the life they already have and who they are. I will not be responsible for someone else's happiness. I want to add to their already established, fulfilled personal happiness... I just do not want to be the main ingredient.

That is it!
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-19-2009, 06:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm just so surprised. From your posts while together with S, it sounded like you were unbelievably happy and it was an enviable relationship. Just surprised to read now that he wasn't as communicative as you'd like to be with a partner, as well as not as affectionate or sensual as you'd need, or even happy. If I may be EVEN MORE NOSEY than I already am being, why do you think you remained a good long while with S, given such major drawbacks? : You dont' have to tell me but I find it interesting to try to deconstruct. A good friend of mine is unwilling to part from a terrible relationship although she isn't oblivious to the glaring faults/lackings/flaws of the connection between her and the other (regardless of who's 'fault' it is, or whatnot--sometimes relationships are just bad for both parties and it doesn't even matter who is behaving better or worse or who is healthier or unhealtheir or fairer or unfair, etc). Is it SO SCARY to breakup even when major, major faults are obvious? In your case with S and with my friend's current case there are no children involved, and not exactly years and years (hardly) under the bridge to not want to let go of for hope that things will go back to a long happy stretch of time in your memory.... how long were you with S before these problems you described came up, and how much longer did you stay? Did you feel moving in together would solve them? What happened?

Ok, just tell me to bugger off and mind my own business if you want.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 10:42 AM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Excited for all the potential long-term cruches baking here

Im in a thinking phase relationship wise. Am as crazy about BF as I ever was, but he is carrying a lot of stuff around from his previous life ("loosing" two children IS a big deal) and I do feel that it comes between us sometimes. He is carrying this huge grief all the time and seems to simply shut that part of his life out as it is too painful to confront. But you can't just shut a door like that. It keeps popping up - for instance he is still married to his ex because it was all just too difficult, too expensive and too hard. He just shut that door and didnt look back. But as long as he is still married to her - well then obviously he can't ever marry me. He says he feels marriage doesnt really matter - it's just paper. But not to me it's not. I know he hasn't even seen her for several years, but still - he is freaking MARRIED. I have offered him an alternative to fighting the UK courts - he can close the case and then open it again here and he would be able to get the divorce without it costing nearly as much as it would in the UK - but it seems like he just doesnt want to even face it at all as it brings up so much pain.
I dont know - - it just bothers me really.. The whole not wanting children thing has to do with this too. Its all tied up in a big fat knot..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:03 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
I'm just so surprised. From your posts while together with S, it sounded like you were unbelievably happy and it was an enviable relationship.
I was unbelievably happy and I did believe it was an enviable relationship. I just didn't realize how important the "amount" of communication, affection and internal happiness was going to become for me. There are just never any guarantees in life... you know?

Now, he was communicative... to a certain degree. He was affectionate... again, to a certain degree. And I figured his lack of internal happiness was more his "issue" and that as long as I kept myself happy and supported him on his journey... he would find his way.

Take in mind... I also know S's story. I know his background and what was holding him back. I knew where he came from and why he was who he was. Plus, I also knew that he did genuinely want to be more affectionate (and he did try and his efforts were amazing) and he did try to be more communicative and open AND he was working on his own happiness. The man tried his absolute best. He took himself out of his comfortability zone so many times for me and our relationship.

There were just too many issues compounding upon each other and he couldn't deal with those and with being in a relationship. I also believe he knew he was holding me back and that I did deserve more than what he could offer me. He truly is an amazing man... he is just not for me. We are just at very different stages in our personal growth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Is it SO SCARY to breakup even when major, major faults are obvious?
It is hard when you are fully invested in the relationship and you are not 100% sure of exactly what you need and how important those needs truly are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
In your case with S and with my friend's current case there are no children involved, and not exactly years and years (hardly) under the bridge to not want to let go of for hope that things will go back to a long happy stretch of time in your memory.
There was a child involved. My son had a relationship with him and they did build a bond together. Although S was pretty detached, he was a source of fun, stability and security for ds. Thankfully, their wasn't as attached as it could have been... as that would have made the breakup SUPER difficult for ds.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
how long were you with S before these problems you described came up, and how much longer did you stay?
The 'problems' were always there, as they were very much apart of who he was... they just came in waves of varying degrees. I took those waves as an opportunity to deal with my own personal growth and better myself... which ultimately lead me to Buddhism, meditation and a lot of soul searching. Additionally, when he did have periods of being significantly detached... I took it as an opportunity to learn to knit and I also started training (and completing) for my first 1/2 marathon.

All relationships will have moments/periods were one person will go through something significant and all you can do is just be there to support them and keep yourself happy and healthy. Unfortunately, in my relationship with S... that happened many times, which I honestly, didn't expect to be the case.

After the many waves and all the amazing lessons I was learning through my own personal growth process... I began to 'see the light' and really start to see him 150% for who he was and how he was. I suppose, that was about 2 or so months ago. It just started to become too constant and I was growing and developing in another direction... and wanting more. He couldn't meet me there anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Did you feel moving in together would solve them? What happened?
Moving in together was great and we did have a great first few months. Moving in was more about having more time together and really getting to know each other more intimately. I did believe it would bring us closer and, to a certain degree, it really did. BUT... his problems were still very prominent and it was just too much.

Honestly, he just reached a point where he felt so bad about himself and his circumstances and he felt so guilty about 'dragging me through his shit', he knew he needed to step back. He knew I was wanting and needing more AND he also knew he just couldn't meet me there. "If you love somebody... set them free"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

Ok, just tell me to bugger off and mind my own business if you want.
No, I don't mind. It holds me accountable and, honestly, typing this all out has been very cathartic and good for me as I step further into this new relationship.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:22 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Excited for all the potential long-term cruches baking here

Im in a thinking phase relationship wise. Am as crazy about BF as I ever was, but he is carrying a lot of stuff around from his previous life ("loosing" two children IS a big deal) and I do feel that it comes between us sometimes. He is carrying this huge grief all the time and seems to simply shut that part of his life out as it is too painful to confront. But you can't just shut a door like that. It keeps popping up - for instance he is still married to his ex because it was all just too difficult, too expensive and too hard. He just shut that door and didnt look back. But as long as he is still married to her - well then obviously he can't ever marry me. He says he feels marriage doesnt really matter - it's just paper. But not to me it's not. I know he hasn't even seen her for several years, but still - he is freaking MARRIED. I have offered him an alternative to fighting the UK courts - he can close the case and then open it again here and he would be able to get the divorce without it costing nearly as much as it would in the UK - but it seems like he just doesnt want to even face it at all as it brings up so much pain.
I dont know - - it just bothers me really.. The whole not wanting children thing has to do with this too. Its all tied up in a big fat knot..


It is hard, Seie... I completely understand.

Here is my suggestion... take it as you will.

Take a step back and spend some time with yourself... just start making a dream list of everything you want in a relationship. Try... if you can, to separate the list from your current relationship, meaning don't let your current relationship have any input into this list. Then, narrow it down to 3-4 items that are complete non-negotiables.

Once you figure that out... sit and REALLY look at reality of your relationship and how it fits with those non-negotiables. THEN... just process, process, process.

You will know what you need to do when you reach the point of just not being able to do it anymore.

It is so hard!!!! My heart goes out to you.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:55 PM
 
momanderson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Northern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 70
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thought I should update on my situation with hot neighbour! We've chatted here and there on fb for a few months, sent silly mail things on are you interested, but not gotten together in person. I had mentioned a trip the kids were taking for school, that parents were welcome to attend, but he didn't get the message in time. That day I saw him at the school and we only smiled at each other. I was pretty much thinking "he's just not that into you" category! I've been reading a few relationship books and decided I would try to seem less interested, it seemed to have worked! Last Friday out of the blue he sent me a message on fb.I hadn't heard anythong from him in 2 weeks. I answered to be polite but not really thinking there would be any more to it. Monday night he asked if I'd like to get together for a drink and movie this weekend, or whatever I would like. So as per the advice of other single friends and some books! I suggested diner cause that is what I'd like. I never get to eat out were there are no happy meals I'm trying to set standards, I think I'm worth diner and a movie! I told him to make the plans. He did ask if I wanted to go out or stay in. I def want to go out and told him that nicely. So he chose a restaurant ( mexican, which I love!) and he'd def. like to see a movie too, whatever I pick!
I am pleased that he asked, yet cautiously excited! I haven't dated in 14 years, and haven't even been single very long. I'm not sure what to expect really! we have never been alone, we usually both have kids when we see each other. I am pleased to see him loosening up with regards to his kids though. before we didn't have any online communication the weeks he has his kids, this week we have touched base everyday and the kids r with him. He also mentioned his x by name last night instead of just " their mother". So he's opening up a little which is good!! He has been single for 4 years and not dated much. I hope we can get over the giddy shy nervousness quickly!!!
So ladies what movie should I pick?? we aren't going to dinner til 7pm because I have the kids till 6. So the only ones playing late other than New Moon which neither of us are into, are Law Abiding Citizen and The Blind Side. totally different movies, the blind side has Tim McGraw in it and we both like country music, the other I would maybe need to snuggle up to him
Another plus he is well over 6ft tall so I can wear heels, Yay!! I'm 5'10 so usually don't wear heels cause then I was taller than xh!
So ya WOW I have a date saturday night!!! Pinch me!
momanderson is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 04:39 PM
 
Rosehip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,736
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok ladies, two more dress choices for my party tonight:

http://tinyurl.com/yfmg42g

http://tinyurl.com/yjsqmzq

MomAnderson - HAVE FUN!!

Butterfly - I'm so excited for you. It sounds like things are really progressing apace!
Rosehip is offline  
Old 11-19-2009, 10:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post


It is hard, Seie... I completely understand.

Here is my suggestion... take it as you will.

Take a step back and spend some time with yourself... just start making a dream list of everything you want in a relationship. Try... if you can, to separate the list from your current relationship, meaning don't let your current relationship have any input into this list. Then, narrow it down to 3-4 items that are complete non-negotiables.

Once you figure that out... sit and REALLY look at reality of your relationship and how it fits with those non-negotiables. THEN... just process, process, process.

You will know what you need to do when you reach the point of just not being able to do it anymore.

It is so hard!!!! My heart goes out to you.
: My heart goes out to you as well. Seie
JohnnysGirl is offline  
Old 11-20-2009, 07:49 AM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 879
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post


It is hard, Seie... I completely understand.

Here is my suggestion... take it as you will.

Take a step back and spend some time with yourself... just start making a dream list of everything you want in a relationship. Try... if you can, to separate the list from your current relationship, meaning don't let your current relationship have any input into this list. Then, narrow it down to 3-4 items that are complete non-negotiables.

Once you figure that out... sit and REALLY look at reality of your relationship and how it fits with those non-negotiables. THEN... just process, process, process.

You will know what you need to do when you reach the point of just not being able to do it anymore.

It is so hard!!!! My heart goes out to you.
Great advice from Holland. I'm so sorry Seie but the divorce sitution sounds like a superstressful issue for you to deal with. I'm thinking that you should consider giving him an ultimatum. Get a divorce within (whatever reasonable time frame) or I'll end the relationship. That's my 0.02...IMO there is a HUGE difference between not wanting children and still being married. And the latter is no doubt a huge dealbreaker while the first one doesn't have to be.

The offer about calling me is still there of course.
DanishMom is offline  
Old 11-20-2009, 10:46 AM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quick update...

ATG sent me a text yesterday at work, saying he was in town and asking if I wanted to sneak out of the office and have a beer with him, which I did, of course! That was a lot of fun, a lot of flirting/tension, and we made plans for him to come to my place after the kids were in bed.

He came, but my youngest (2 yr old) Would Not Stay Asleep. I put him down 3 or 4 times before it finally took at 10:30! I felt pretty self concious about that, as I hadn't wanted him to meet the kids, and it as just such a tangible reminder of the ways having the kids creates limitations in what I can do.

Still, at one point when ds was in bed, we started talking about politics, which is always fun, and very spirited. Ds woke up again, while we were in the thick of things, long before we'd come to any resolution and when I came back down (with ds in my arms) ATG seemed resigned to going home and watching CNN. I asked him to stay a bit longer, and thankfully, the next time I took ds he stayed asleep!

I really like this guy. But now I'm having all that weird angst about how interrupted we were by ds last night, and how it just makes it clear that my role as mom supercedes anything else that may be going on in my life.

And that shouldn't make me feel angsty (and to his credit ATG was totally chill about it, the angst was all me), as it is TRUE and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish ds would have stayed asleep, at least for ATG's *first* visit to my house!

I'm not sure when I'll see him again -- this weekend is full, work for him, and I don't have my usual kid-free day, due to my ex-h's schedule, and then ATG is traveling for T'giving, and will be away for several days...

We'll see.
sugarmoon is offline  
Old 11-20-2009, 12:53 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post

I felt pretty self concious about that, as I hadn't wanted him to meet the kids, and it as just such a tangible reminder of the ways having the kids creates limitations in what I can do.

...

I really like this guy. But now I'm having all that weird angst about how interrupted we were by ds last night, and how it just makes it clear that my role as mom supercedes anything else that may be going on in my life.

And that shouldn't make me feel angsty (and to his credit ATG was totally chill about it, the angst was all me), as it is TRUE and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish ds would have stayed asleep, at least for ATG's *first* visit to my house!
Being a mom and dating is not easy. In the 6+ years that I have been single and the 2 serious relationships I have had during those six years, I can safely say that I have had a few of experiences as you had last night.

Two things to keep in perspective:

1. Child interruptions are going to happen and, perhaps, that is a good thing. It shows the man exactly what life as a parent is about and remember, it happen regardless of if you are single or married -- my married friends have the same exact problem with interruptions as I do. I figure it is better to know early on if he can laugh, perserve and go with the flow.

A couple of married friends told me that I was lucky because both men from my two previous, serious relationships were more patient, understanding and had a great sense of humor about child interruptions than their husbands did... because they knew it was a part of the territory from the VERY beginning.

Your role as mom doesn't necessarily supercede with everything else in your life, but it does require that you do the balancing act more often than childless adults. But, that is true for all parents.

2. Introducing prospective partners to children is a difficult one. I am pretty progressive in my beliefs about these introductions, but this has a been a slightly more complicated situation for me this time around than in the past.

Since my break up with S was fairly recent and he was living with us, I also didn't want to intro ds to P too quickly.

Unfortunately, ds heard the door shutting when P came over and quickly ran out to see who was here. I casually introduced them ("this is mommy's friend, P") and immediately sent ds back to bed. Ds was more enthralled with P's motorcycle helmet than anything else... "He has a motorcycle!!!!" Ds hasn't mentioned anything about him since.

Tonight, P will be picking me up for our date and I have no problem with him meeting ds again during the pick up nor do I mind that ds knows I am going out with P... I just feel like we (P & I) need to have a more distant, "friendly" front with ds for awhile to give him a chance to adjust and process. I think that once ds and P start getting to know each other better, ds is going to be pushing me full-force into P's arms.

I don't know... I am still working this one out for myself. I just take it day by day and go by what feels right to me and for ds. I don't think there is any right or wrong, unless of course, someone was bringing multiple men home.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-20-2009, 05:34 PM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for your thoughts, Holland. I feel a little better. I got a nice email from him this morning, and like I said, the angst was all me. He was very chill about it, even when he said that he thought he'd have to go home and watch CNN, just to get his political fix for the evening.

It is interesting to hear your thoughts on letting kids meet people earlier, rather than later. I've been leaning more towards later, but also realized that if I want to keep things strictly (or even mostly) kid-free, I wont' be able to spend more than one or two days or evenings each week with someone. And, of course, how a guy interacts with my kids is a huge factor whether i'd be serious with him. What I'm thinking with ATG at this point, is to talk to him about it a bit -- he seems like someone I'd want to stay friends with, even if a relationship doesn't work out between us, and he seems to be friends with his exes, in general. If that seems reasonable, I'm willing to have him around the kids, more, sooner.
sugarmoon is offline  
Old 11-20-2009, 08:03 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
he seems like someone I'd want to stay friends with, even if a relationship doesn't work out between us, and he seems to be friends with his exes, in general. If that seems reasonable, I'm willing to have him around the kids, more, sooner.
You know what, though... there are just NO guarantees.

You, nor he, could guarantee that you would both stay friends if a relationship doesn't work out between the two of you. He could make the promise, but honestly, people change, circumstances change, life happens... you just never know.

I thought when I married my XH and we decided to have a child together that we would be together forever... nope. Then, as we were getting divorced, I thought he would always be a part of ds' life (esp. since he is ds' biological father)... nope.

This is not just the case in romantic relationships. I have had quite a few girlfriends come and go from my life over the years, in addition to a few who have been around for years on end and even a few who flit in and out depending on what is going on in both of our lives.
Holland73 is online now  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:49 AM
 
DogwoodFairy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 413
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Desperately wishing I had time to update re: Cute Artist Guy. Things have steadily progressed, and I am just ga-ga, I guess. He has persisted (respectfully) and I'm glad...what a fantastic connection we have. We have deleted/hidden all dating site profiles, and discussed commitment to each other.

Progress has reached the point where I changed my facebook the other day to "In a relationship" Scary. Exciting. Unexpected. But so good for me, I am feeling.
DogwoodFairy is offline  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:58 AM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
MP: sounds great!! Looking forward to a full update when you have time.

Holland: Point well taken, and understood. Still, I feel like having a conversation about it ahead of time is worthwhile -- his reaction and responses will tell me somethings about him, regardless of what may or may not happen in the future -- it is important me to gauge his understanding of how careful I want to be with bringing people in and out of my children's lives.

((((Seie)))))) I have nothing to add, but I am thinking of you, for sure.

and Miss Butterfly....we know you're out there, having fun with CH...update when you can, inquiring minds, you know
sugarmoon is offline  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:59 AM
 
muse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: here, now
Posts: 2,368
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well, mamas...i ended it with Chicago Guy. So much to say about it.
heartbreak confusion shock bewilderment hurt sadness grief relief?...

all about a man i have never even met, but it doesn't make it any less real. it does make closure difficult though.

i have to remind myself *I* ended it, *I* told him i couldn't do this anymore. I must have had wisdom in there. I'll be processing this one for some time.

And I have zero interest right now in trying to meet anyone. It's me time, baby....

"strength courage and wisdom, it's been inside of me all along" India Arie. My prayer right now.
muse is offline  
Old 11-21-2009, 01:24 AM
 
goodygumdrops's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi ladies,

I have followed your thread off and on for a few months now. I'm working my way towards dating but it's so hard to wrap my head around since I've been with my stbx for a little over 10 years. I am so lonely and I am seriously sex deprived. I used to be such a sexual person and that part of me has been closed off for so long, I just can't imagine being with someone. I have totally let myself go....and I can't even imagine dating. I am about 5 pounds overweight but I'm more like 20 to where I would like to be. So, help me out ladies. Everyone here seems like their doing well and getting out a lot. I'm 33 and I'm tired of being lonely.

Oh, and I'm married still for the benefits. My stbx is in the army and is away indefinitely.

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
goodygumdrops is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off