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#1 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The guy I've been dating since August/September is starting to make me want to... well like the title said; "turn and run the other way!" I am SO BEYOND GLAD that we stopped discussing me moving in with him. Here are the thinks that are standing out to me that this could be a major problem down the road, let me know if you would start being concerned as well. And what I'm supposed to do about it now!

I think he's controlling. We have not been dating very long, we're young (I'm 18) and if I text or converse with any other guy he is upset with me and pouts the rest of the night. I left my phone upstairs when I was making my daughter and I dinner and eating and just playing with her and my family, so I came upstairs maybe a hour or two later and have 3 missed calls, every time he left these whiny voice mails.
1st voicemail: *in joking voice* what could you be doing that is possibly more important than talking to me, haha just kidding, but no seriously, what are you doing? i miss you, call me back.
2nd voicemail: * not so joking* babbyyy what are you doing? you're starting to worry me, I just got home and I haven't talked to you all day and I thought you might want to talk to me but I guess not. call me back.... bye...
3rd voicemail: *not joking at all* i'm going to my sisters. just letting you know if you decided to call me. bye.

This is only ONE of many similar incidents. So after this I call him and the only words I can think of are.."seriously?" and he says he was joking...I don't buy it.

We live 4 hours apart and I've been driving to see him a bunch in the last 2 months or so and he's came to visit me three times because
1) he doesn't have a car
2) he doesn't have a license
3) he doesn't have a birth certificate to GET a license
4) he doesn't have electricity right now

Tonight he asked me to come stay with him and I told him I'd love to but my finals are coming up, I don't have gas money, it's a lot of stress on me driving and I'm enjoying being home. So he just decided to stop talking to me and when I said...please don't be upset at me for not doing what you wanted me to do and he just said if you loved me you would do it, if it was me I would do anything to come see you, I have to work that's why I don't visit you. I work too! I only have 3 days off to study for my finals but that's "plenty of time" says the guy who dropped out of high school sophomore year.

Okay, after typing this I think you can see my decision is pretty much made up my mind to run BUT here's my problem...
This whole..manipulation stuff really gets to me; he broke up with his girlfriend, the mother of his son to be with me, they lived together and she moved out, as did his roommate when we started talking, forcing him to go from paying half of his rent to all of it. She saw me visiting him and the electricity was in her name so she had it shut off. He only gets his son every other night now that they broke up. Yada yada he did alllll this stuff because of me and his life is hell because of me "but it's worth it" he says. "I would go batshit crazy if you didn't want to be with me anymore because I've lost so much for you" etc. etc.

How do you get out of a relationship with someone like this?
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#2 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:36 AM
 
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Just tell him you no longer wish to be his girlfriend and stop talking to him. If you think he'll keep contacting you (which it sounds like he would) simply change your phone number.
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#3 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:43 AM
 
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whoa. i just saw this in new posts.

i just want to tell you, none of those things happened to him _because_ of you they happened because of _his_ choices.

don't let him put any blame or responsibility onto you for _his_ choices, it allows him to manipulate you and makes it really easy for you to doubt yourself.

and, yes, RUN!

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#4 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:44 AM
 
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I'm just going to answer the last part of your post--I agree--RUN! Right now!

1) Tell him you are sorry that you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now because a) you have a child that needs your undivided attention b) you have school that needs your undivided attention c) you have a job that needs your undivided attention so that you can provide for your child and your school.

2) Tell your friends and family and anyone who knows a thing about you that you have broken up with him and that they are not to give him any information about you.

3) Block his phone number. At the very least do not answer his texts or phone messages. There will be a million. He will drive you crazy with calling. It will be hard. Your heart will break for treating him this way. But it really is kinder to stick to your decision then to tease him by responding/answering.

4) Block his email address.

5) If he shows up where you live remind him through the door that you have broken up. Don't let him in. If he refuses to leave call the police.

6) He is going to beg and plead and promise over text, voicemail, and email (because you are NOT going to answer the phone that will only make things worse!). He will beg forgiveness and plead for a second chance. He will promise that "he just been under a lot of stress," "life has him freaking out," "if you were living together he wouldn't have to act this way." And on and on. But they are just words.

I realize that this may all sound alarming. Men who are controlling can escalate to physical abuse in a blink. I'm afraid for your safety and for your child's safety. You do have being a sizable distance away in your advantage though.

****Pay NO attention to what people say. Pay attention ONLY to what they do.**** He is a user and a loser. He let his baby's mama provide for him because he couldn't provide for himself. When she left him he couldn't even get ELECTRICITY. How is he ever going to be able to give you the life you want?! He can't even take care of himself. He can't entertain himself for one evening. He wants you to be his mommy and pay for his things, drive him places, and pay attention to him on demand.

You are a mother. You are a queen. You deserve a real man who will love you and value you completely because he can love and value himself by being employed, kind, loyal, faithful, and trusting.

He doesn't trust you because he is a cheater.

I'm sorry that he made bad choices to be with you. They were *his* choices though. Perhaps you are culpable to some extent if you pursued a relationship with him when he was already involved but that does not mean that how he is behaving is okay. It does not give him permission to be emotionally abusive or controlling.

I mean, this has been 2 1/2 months! My *husband* does not act this way when I don't answer my phone. It is not normal! Run! Right now!

Anyway, you asked what you should do. There it is. Hopefully, for you and your child's sake you are strong enough to follow through and leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Jenne

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#5 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:46 AM
 
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and, as for how to get out of it, i think you really have to go no-contact. otherwise he will continue to manipulate you and use guilt to get what he wants and really, who wants to be partnered with someone that can't handle their own life? if he needs electricity he needs to be a grown-up and figure out how to get it for himself, not whine about his ex and blame you. jeez. it's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for you daughter.

best of luck!

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#6 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:49 AM
 
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Clearly, yes - run. Call him and tell him a concise and upfront version, then no contact.
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#7 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 02:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
I'm just going to answer the last part of your post--I agree--RUN! Right now!

1) Tell him you are sorry that you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now because a) you have a child that needs your undivided attention b) you have school that needs your undivided attention c) you have a job that needs your undivided attention so that you can provide for your child and your school.

2) Tell your friends and family and anyone who knows a thing about you that you have broken up with him and that they are not to give him any information about you.

3) Block his phone number. At the very least do not answer his texts or phone messages. There will be a million. He will drive you crazy with calling. It will be hard. Your heart will break for treating him this way. But it really is kinder to stick to your decision then to tease him by responding/answering.

4) Block his email address.

5) If he shows up where you live remind him through the door that you have broken up. Don't let him in. If he refuses to leave call the police.

6) He is going to beg and plead and promise over text, voicemail, and email (because you are NOT going to answer the phone that will only make things worse!). He will beg forgiveness and plead for a second chance. He will promise that "he just been under a lot of stress," "life has him freaking out," "if you were living together he wouldn't have to act this way." And on and on. But they are just words.

I realize that this may all sound alarming. Men who are controlling can escalate to physical abuse in a blink. I'm afraid for your safety and for your child's safety. You do have being a sizable distance away in your advantage though.

****Pay NO attention to what people say. Pay attention ONLY to what they do.**** He is a user and a loser. He let his baby's mama provide for him because he couldn't provide for himself. When she left him he couldn't even get ELECTRICITY. How is he ever going to be able to give you the life you want?! He can't even take care of himself. He can't entertain himself for one evening. He wants you to be his mommy and pay for his things, drive him places, and pay attention to him on demand.

You are a mother. You are a queen. You deserve a real man who will love you and value you completely because he can love and value himself by being employed, kind, loyal, faithful, and trusting.

He doesn't trust you because he is a cheater.

I'm sorry that he made bad choices to be with you. They were *his* choices though. Perhaps you are culpable to some extent if you pursued a relationship with him when he was already involved but that does not mean that how he is behaving is okay. It does not give him permission to be emotionally abusive or controlling.

I mean, this has been 2 1/2 months! My *husband* does not act this way when I don't answer my phone. It is not normal! Run! Right now!

Anyway, you asked what you should do. There it is. Hopefully, for you and your child's sake you are strong enough to follow through and leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Jenne
okay, THIS is one of the best posts i've read in a long time.


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#8 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 03:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He will promise that "he just been under a lot of stress," "life has him freaking out," "if you were living together he wouldn't have to act this way." And on and on. But they are just words.

I just called him. Or I'm still on the phone with him : /
but yeah... EXACT WORDS to a tee.
I'll reply more when I'm done with this.
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#9 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 03:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
I'm just going to answer the last part of your post--I agree--RUN! Right now!

1) Tell him you are sorry that you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now because a) you have a child that needs your undivided attention b) you have school that needs your undivided attention c) you have a job that needs your undivided attention so that you can provide for your child and your school.

2) Tell your friends and family and anyone who knows a thing about you that you have broken up with him and that they are not to give him any information about you.

3) Block his phone number. At the very least do not answer his texts or phone messages. There will be a million. He will drive you crazy with calling. It will be hard. Your heart will break for treating him this way. But it really is kinder to stick to your decision then to tease him by responding/answering.

4) Block his email address.

5) If he shows up where you live remind him through the door that you have broken up. Don't let him in. If he refuses to leave call the police.

6) He is going to beg and plead and promise over text, voicemail, and email (because you are NOT going to answer the phone that will only make things worse!). He will beg forgiveness and plead for a second chance. He will promise that "he just been under a lot of stress," "life has him freaking out," "if you were living together he wouldn't have to act this way." And on and on. But they are just words.

I realize that this may all sound alarming. Men who are controlling can escalate to physical abuse in a blink. I'm afraid for your safety and for your child's safety. You do have being a sizable distance away in your advantage though.

****Pay NO attention to what people say. Pay attention ONLY to what they do.**** He is a user and a loser. He let his baby's mama provide for him because he couldn't provide for himself. When she left him he couldn't even get ELECTRICITY. How is he ever going to be able to give you the life you want?! He can't even take care of himself. He can't entertain himself for one evening. He wants you to be his mommy and pay for his things, drive him places, and pay attention to him on demand.

You are a mother. You are a queen. You deserve a real man who will love you and value you completely because he can love and value himself by being employed, kind, loyal, faithful, and trusting.

He doesn't trust you because he is a cheater.

I'm sorry that he made bad choices to be with you. They were *his* choices though. Perhaps you are culpable to some extent if you pursued a relationship with him when he was already involved but that does not mean that how he is behaving is okay. It does not give him permission to be emotionally abusive or controlling.

I mean, this has been 2 1/2 months! My *husband* does not act this way when I don't answer my phone. It is not normal! Run! Right now!

Anyway, you asked what you should do. There it is. Hopefully, for you and your child's sake you are strong enough to follow through and leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Jenne
SO SO True. Run. Please. Now. No question.

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#10 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 03:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ahhhh
"i'm in love you with you, i love your daughter, i love your family...i gave up everything for you"
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#11 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 03:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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seihrisoer grosss
idk what happened


he just started throwing up on the phone and hung up on me : /
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#12 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 03:22 AM
 
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Sorry, came here through new posts.

I'm glad you broke up with him. Your daughter SSSOOOO doesn't need that kind of a man in her life. Neither do you, of course.

Can you change your phone number, so that he won't be able to reach you, even if he tries?
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#13 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 04:10 AM
 
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no birth certificate? No drivers license? that is just weird.

Sounds like you did the right thing, hope you can avoid him laying a guilt trip on you.

Just tell yourself over and over it's not my life it's his and it is his responsibility.
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#14 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 04:14 AM
 
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DON'T fall for it. Please. Really.

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#15 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 06:09 PM
 
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I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today.

It is really hard to leave someone. It takes a really strong person to decide that they won't tolerate being mistreated.

If you are wondering why I was able to so clearly phrase what he will say when he begs and pleads is because I've been there. Luckily for me, I had wisewomen who I listened to and trusted--even when it hurt to hear him cry, even when I felt like I was being mean.

There is a great song by Louisiana band that has a chorus of "I may love you, yeah, but I LOVE ME MORE!" Love yourself and your daughter enough to get rid of an unhealthy relationship.

Hang in there!
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#16 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 06:17 PM
 
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Not a single mother but...please take all the advice. This guy's problems are not your problems, nor have they been caused by you. A real man, a good man, a partner, does not behave like this. Get out of this relationship.

"I've been thinking things over and this isn't working for me. It's best for me if we stop seeing each other for good. Best of luck in working out your problems."

After that, don't take his calls or answer them.
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#17 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 06:35 PM
 
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Run!! run away, don't look back, plenty of fish in the sea for you.

Katherine, SAHM to 2 little princes
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#18 of 56 Old 11-21-2009, 07:23 PM
 
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You owe it to your daughter to not let a guy like this into both of your lives. Run like the wind. This guy is bad bad news. He will beg and plead and cry and promise you the sun and the moon, maybe even threaten to kill himself, but he will contribute nothing positive to your life. Guys like that drag you down with him if you let them.
I bet his ex was glad to find a way out from him.

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#19 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you ladies.
I am doing good today but please stick around! Today we didn't talk, I got two voicemails from him that seemed pretty rational and understanding but he did mention he wants me in his life stuff and eventually I know I'll give in and talk to him so stay with me and keep me strong! I like texting people again and not feeling guilty and guess what? I didn't carry my phone on my hip EVERYWHERE i went today because I actually got to 100% focus on my daughter. I had a AWESOME day. I feel guilty like.. not missing him as much as he seems like he misses me but I'm looking forward to a GOOD relationship....eventually, down the line, no where near now. I like it just being me and my daughter for now.
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#20 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:32 AM
 
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Yes please do stay strong. NO contact, no matter how normal he seems at any time. Refer back to the above so you know for sure that this guy is bad news for you!

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#21 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:46 AM
 
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Yes please do stay strong. NO contact, no matter how normal he seems at any time. Refer back to the above so you know for sure that this guy is bad news for you!
Ditto. There is NO, NO reason to be in touch with him. Ever again.
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#22 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:53 AM
 
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If he is "good" at his game he may leave you alone for a few days and then call/text/email and say that you are right, that he isn't any good, that you don't deserve him, that you are wonderful, he only wishes that he had done better by you...blah, blah, blah. It is only words. They are words designed to prey upon your weakness. Doesn't that just tick you right off? That he thinks he can say the right things and you will crumble and let him right back in. Stay strong! You can do it!

Would a new phone number help? If you have a cell phone it may be worth contacting your provider for a new S-chip--I think that is what they are called--so that you can have a new number. If you download your contacts you'd even have a way to let everyone but him know. If it were me, it would be worth almost any amount not to have to go through the guilt and feeling bad about doing what was right for myself and my child.

I'm proud of you. I know, I'm a stranger over the internet so it doesn't mean much but everytime I see a woman showing her daughter that she doesn't have to take controlling abusive behavior I'm just filled with pride. You'll be able to teach any future sons how a man should treat a woman as well. These are invaluable gifts to the next generation.

Hang in there!
Jenne

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#23 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 01:15 AM
 
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Saw this in new posts and just wanted to support you op. You're doing the right thing.

You will be kicking yourself in the butt later on if you don't permanently end the relationship now bc it will only get worse. If it's only 2 1/2 months into the relationship and all these red flags keep popping up (and remember people are usually on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship) can you imagine how it will be in the future. Except the longer the relationship continues the more complicated it gets and the harder it is to leave.

I know it's a PIA but if he keeps calling/texting/leaving mssgs please consider having your # changed so you aren't able to succumb to his manipulation. My xh is a master manipulator and I can go from seriously furious at him to feeling sorry for him in a matter of minutes. They are good at it and they do it unknowingly sometimes. The whole woe is me routine gets old.

You are being the best mother you can be by teaching your daughter that you both deserve more from any man that has the good fortune to be a part of your lives.

Good luck! I'm sending lots of prayers your way!

Wife to dh, Mommy to ds1 12/2002, ds2 9/2005, and ds3 9/2008.
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#24 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 03:07 AM
 
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alternativemomma

We live 4 hours apart and I've been driving to see him a bunch in the last 2 months or so and he's came to visit me three times because

1) he doesn't have a car
2) he doesn't have a license
3) he doesn't have a birth certificate to GET a license
4) he doesn't have electricity right now



1, 2, 3, 4, Loser

How do you get out of a relationship with someone like this?

Stop calling and driving to him.
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#25 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 03:58 AM
 
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Thank you ladies.
I am doing good today but please stick around! Today we didn't talk, I got two voicemails from him that seemed pretty rational and understanding but he did mention he wants me in his life stuff and eventually I know I'll give in and talk to him so stay with me and keep me strong! I like texting people again and not feeling guilty and guess what? I didn't carry my phone on my hip EVERYWHERE i went today because I actually got to 100% focus on my daughter. I had a AWESOME day. I feel guilty like.. not missing him as much as he seems like he misses me but I'm looking forward to a GOOD relationship....eventually, down the line, no where near now. I like it just being me and my daughter for now.
good for you!! if you start to feel guilty re-read the bolded parts. i'm proud of you for being strong. and being strong is a process, it's what you do day to day to day. just imagine your daughter in a relationship like this and what you'd tell her.

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#26 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 11:15 AM
 
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alternativemomma

We live 4 hours apart and I've been driving to see him a bunch in the last 2 months or so and he's came to visit me three times because

1) he doesn't have a car
2) he doesn't have a license
3) he doesn't have a birth certificate to GET a license
4) he doesn't have electricity right now



1, 2, 3, 4, Loser

How do you get out of a relationship with someone like this?

Stop calling and driving to him.
Absolutely. This is what just what I was thinking, and that "he broke up with his girlfriend, the mother of his son to be with me". This is not the kind of person you need around, especially since you have a child yourself. Would you want your daughter to date someone like this?
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#27 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:03 PM
 
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Yeah, this is the part where you get to start setting examples for your daughter. You want her to grow up to be a strong, kick-ass woman, right? If she sees you with a controlling and quite likely abusive guy (because this guy is showing a lot of warning signs that he could be abusive) then she'll think that's how relationships are supposed to be.
Good for you for taking control of your life. Just tell this guy clearly that he is not the man you want to be with. Don't leave any wiggle room or room for hope or interpretation.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#28 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 12:25 PM
 
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You won't regret ending this relationship. I promise you. If he calls don't answer or hang up. Block his phone number, etc. Block his email's etc.

Back when I was younger, I made a list of what I wanted in a partner. After a relationship ended (or during) I rated the person based on my needs/wants, on a scale of 1-10 for each trait. There is nothing wrong with wanting/needing a HS graduate, a potential college graduate, a guy with a job and future. You may find the list an interesting exercise to do. I wanted financial stability, education, kindness, work ethic, interest in kids, etc etc. When I found a keeper, I kept him.

One thing about your ex - he is not taking responsibility for his actions. He dumped his ex girlfriend, lost his electricity, etc. His choices, his problems. You can do much much better than him, I promise.
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#29 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 03:46 PM
 
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I notice it's all about what HE needs. He NEEDED his ex to help him pay the bills. He split with her and now he NEEDS you. What does he BRING to the relationships he is in? What does he GIVE? How does he support those he loves, emotionally, financially, materially, spiritually?

Good for you for being strong.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#30 of 56 Old 11-22-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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Yes. Please, please, please stay away, stop answering calls.
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