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#121 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 04:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by eewieew View Post

Which leads me to another question for you ladies. What is your relationship like with your child's father? I vacillate a lot with mine.

Obviously this makes suitors a little uncomfortable. I had a rough night the other night at ex's apartment--I found my wedding ring, which made me a little sentimental and I'll admit--it was hard, and ODD wanted to know what was wrong, so I told him. I'm not going to lie. He joked that I should have slept with ex, but I could tell that he was a little bothered. I mean, he's younger, his longest relationship was right around 2 years,and here I am, going thru a divorce, with a kid, and all sorts of other baggage that he hasn't had to deal with before.

Pulling back from my ex is not an option. We are in this together, and I feel like the right guy for me will understand and appreciate that, and be secure enough to realize that if we wanted to be together, we would be. But I guess I realize that it is tricky, and am curious to know how those relationships fit with you guys.

Wow, that was a lot. If you're still reading,
My X lives 10,000 miles away in another country, therefore there is no vacillating for me. This is one of the reasons why I don't date single dads... I don't want to have to deal with the ex drama.

Honestly, I would have also been bothered if I were ODD... AND, I am older, have been in a relationship for longer than 2 years and been through a divorce with a child.

Additionally, didn't your orginal post about finding your wedding ring say something about still not being over your h?

I am wondering how fair that is to ODD? We all deserve to be with someone that is 100% available to us.
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#122 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 04:11 PM
 
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Sugarmoon - when you say it went down, and fast, do you mind sharing what happened?

We've had a lot of touchy, uncomfortable times, for sure, and it's really hard to keep everything harmonious, which at times entails swallowing a bunch of crap. I just wonder if I'm being unrealistic about what is possible to achieve with an ex. There's a part of me that's just making the best of a crappy situation, but another part of me does legitimately want him in my life and value his insight/opinion, and vice-versa.

Other mamas? Thoughts?

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
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#123 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 05:38 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Holland73;14790826]Wait... are you still together with your DP/DH? Are you still living with him? I understand that the relationship is 'dead in the water', but does he know that? Are you still "trying"?

Personally, I wouldn't be moving onto anyone until the relationship I was currently in was 100% over and both parties knew it.

Oh no it's over and he knows. My new place is being renovated and I move in on the first. I ended my relationship with my DD's father a few weeks ago. We have been off and on (more off) for 6 years. I was with someone else for almost all of this year, he was a BAD APPLE, but thats how I met Chocolate Man, who I have been friends with for the last year as well.

So we have:
Bad Apple: ended in July
Chocolate Man: Friend and man I have feelings for who was introduced to me by Bad Apple
DD's Father: My ex husband, who I have been living with and coparenting with since September, I was married for 6 years (3 of which we have been seperated and we are now legally divorced) Bio dad of 5 month old DD and acting father of 2 year old DD who's dad signed over rights.

My past is a bit confusing.. Sorry....

FWIW I completely get what you are saying about me already having feelings for chocolate man and getting hurt. I did explain that to him and he was receptive and understanding...

As for the relationship with the girls father...

I still talk to DD1 's bio dad from time to time to update him, he signed over rights a few months ago and does not see Abrielle.

My EXH acts as dad to both (he is bio dad of Anna). We have an odd relationship. Our major issue is that when we seperate we end up sleeping together because, well, we are good at it. LOL SO then he gets feelings and starts acting all nice and puts on a show and gets a little manipulative and I take him back. This time WILL be different. No sex, just parenting our girls. I need to stick to that...
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#124 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 06:22 PM
 
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I have one concern.... He was in a five year relationship that ended in January of this year. He has out right told me he is not ready for a relationship right now.... Am I wasting my time by spending it with him?
His five year relationship that ended nearly one year ago is not any problem. He just doesn't want a relatationship with you. Sorry to be so blunt.

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I ended my relationship with my DD's father a few weeks ago. We have been off and on (more off) for 6 years.
I'm sorry, just a few weeks ago you've finally decided to make a clean break with an on again, off again drama roller coaster ride thingy? I don't think it's fair to anyone else (i.e. if Chocolate Man wanted to date you) for you to be putting yourself out there until days that you can't count on your fingers and toes have passed by, and you no longer live with oh-so-recent-ex. Focus on moving into your new place and catching your breath from a pretty up and down and exhausting relationship that has lasted so long and ask yourself why you hung in there so long, etc.... evaluate. Heal. Then move on, and ....when the right person comes along, with them perhaps.

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This is one of the reasons why I don't date single dads... I don't want to have to deal with the ex drama.
: seriously. : I don't mind being super hypocrtical, I have my reasons, and life ain't fair and I can discriminate however I want when it comes to my love life. but seriously. :

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didn't your orginal post about finding your wedding ring say something about still not being over your h? I am wondering how fair that is to ODD? We all deserve to be with someone that is 100% available to us.
Yes she did, and to those of us who have followed every post on her and her daughter's father's relationship all throughout 2009, it's pretty clear that it's a complicated, complicated area, and.... sorry, eewiew, but I agree with Holland73, and it's completely understandable that anyone she dates may have unsettled feelings about it. And I'm certain you know/get that! But just because a super serious relationship might be tough to fall into this minute because of that added snafu area, doesn't mean that your relationships you find in this stage of your life aren't meaningful and that you shouldn't date, or that you owe it to others anything other than yourself and your honesty. They can decide to take their chances getting involved, with their eyes wide open.

Basically, I wish everything wonderful for you, eewiew! I am definitely on your side, cheering you on, and I think despite complicated feelins towards your ex, you are headed down the right path, in the right direction, and taking great care of yourself in the moment. I hope all the best relationships and best possible outcomes eventually fall in your lap when the time is right.
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#125 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 07:02 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Butterflymom;14791555]His five year relationship that ended nearly one year ago is not any problem. He just doesn't want a relatationship with you. Sorry to be so blunt.

So is it the general consensus when a man says he is not ready for a relationship right now that he just doesn't want one with me? I kind of disagree... Forgive me if that is my naive under dating self shining through, lol. I mean could he not want to commit at the moment (especially understanding my situation). He knows I do not want a commitment anyway. He is a very straight forward person who I honestly believe would tell me if he had no interest in me that way. Maybe he is just enjoying singlehood himself, dating and what not. I mean we talk everyday and I am not the one who initiates conversation everytime, he must like me in some respect afterall he has many women to talk to, or am I totally off there???? If so I am welcoming multiple opinions.



I'm sorry, just a few weeks ago you've finally decided to make a clean break with an on again, off again drama roller coaster ride thingy? I don't think it's fair to anyone else (i.e. if Chocolate Man wanted to date you) for you to be putting yourself out there until days that you can't count on your fingers and toes have passed by, and you no longer live with oh-so-recent-ex. Focus on moving into your new place and catching your breath from a pretty up and down and exhausting relationship that has lasted so long and ask yourself why you hung in there so long, etc.... evaluate. Heal. Then move on, and ....when the right person comes along, with them perhaps.


I am not looking to jump into a relationship tomorrow. I actually value Chocolate man as a friend and we are very upfront with eachother about what and how we feel. He is a great friend, period. I just wanted to know if I should back up because I do like him or if it was acceptable for me to? I think there is a little Hero syndrome going on, as well as having a BUNCH in common as well as sexual tension and major chemistry...

I plan on enjoying singledom and relaxing a bit, promise!!!!

I do want to say, having been "done" with my exH for a long time. I have tried to make it work for my kids for the last 3 years of it. Most of those last three years were spent apart, anyway. When we found out my little one was his we gave it one more go. We are just different people who want different things. I completely KNOW why this relationship is over and how to avoid this same problem in the future.
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#126 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 07:43 PM
 
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Seie: Hey, no shame in that. Self help books usually put a positive spin on an outlook, so I understand the urge.
Naturalmindedmomma: It sounds like a good person to spend time with. Leave lots of space, but I wouldn’t turn away from some one who seems to understand and care for you. I would keep trying to see him but put it into the mindset of some one who is going to be a great friend for now, and maybe to date in the future. Just me….
Eewieew: I hardly ever speak to my dd’s dad. He lives across the country and rarely calls. I think the relationship that you have described with your ex seems very healthy and positive, and gift for your child to maintain that respect and love. Make sure that your emotions are not carrying this relationship more than the necessary practicalities of co parenting.
Butterflymom and Holland73: Sometimes I day dream about meeting a really great single dad at the park or wherever. It’s always such a positive little fantasy. I never factored in drama. Is it really worth avoiding?

Lots of good thoughts on here about when to introduce the kids to a suitor. I’ve never been serious enough to consider it, but I’m sure I will be rereading this info again at some point!
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#127 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 09:37 PM
 
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Butterflymom and Holland73: Sometimes I day dream about meeting a really great single dad at the park or wherever. It’s always such a positive little fantasy. I never factored in drama. Is it really worth avoiding?
It is worth it to me to avoid... yes.

Blending a family with just a single man can be a huge transition. Blending a family with a man, his children and his ex is a gigantic transition.

Yes, I do know some families where it has worked out brilliantly. But, I also know families where it is hell on earth. Honestly, it is just not a gamble I want to take with either my or ds' life.

But... again, that is my decision/choice/opinion.
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#128 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 09:47 PM
 
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[QUOTE=NaturalMindedMomma;14791655]
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
His five year relationship that ended nearly one year ago is not any problem. He just doesn't want a relatationship with you. Sorry to be so blunt.

So is it the general consensus when a man says he is not ready for a relationship right now that he just doesn't want one with me? I kind of disagree... Forgive me if that is my naive under dating self shining through, lol. I mean could he not want to commit at the moment (especially understanding my situation). He knows I do not want a commitment anyway. He is a very straight forward person who I honestly believe would tell me if he had no interest in me that way. Maybe he is just enjoying singlehood himself, dating and what not. I mean we talk everyday and I am not the one who initiates conversation everytime, he must like me in some respect afterall he has many women to talk to, or am I totally off there???? If so I am welcoming multiple opinions.
Well, your original question was about whether or not you are wasting time with someone who has been very honest with you about not wanting a relationship. Which leads me to believe that you are looking for a relationship with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel like you are wasting time because you are both at the same place... right?

I have known men that have said, "I'm not ready for a relationship, etc, etc," but then they meet someone else soon after and they are quick to jump right in.

When you meet the 'right' person... nothing will stop you from being with that person.

Therefore, if you are honest with yourself about NOT wanting a relationship with him and continue what you have with NO expectation... go and have fun!!!

But, if you are wanting a relationship with him, chances are, you will not be getting it from him anytime soon or even at all. You never know... the future is a mystery and there is nothing you can do to control it, which is why staying the present and enjoying what you have now is so important.
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#129 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 11:04 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Holland73;14792118]
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post

Well, your original question was about whether or not you are wasting time with someone who has been very honest with you about not wanting a relationship. Which leads me to believe that you are looking for a relationship with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel like you are wasting time because you are both at the same place... right?

I have known men that have said, "I'm not ready for a relationship, etc, etc," but then they meet someone else soon after and they are quick to jump right in.

When you meet the 'right' person... nothing will stop you from being with that person.

Therefore, if you are honest with yourself about NOT wanting a relationship with him and continue what you have with NO expectation... go and have fun!!!

But, if you are wanting a relationship with him, chances are, you will not be getting it from him anytime soon or even at all. You never know... the future is a mystery and there is nothing you can do to control it, which is why staying the present and enjoying what you have now is so important.
: Natural Minded Mama I know it hurts to hear but I agree with Holland

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#130 of 288 Old 12-12-2009, 11:17 PM
 
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Butterflymom and Holland73: Sometimes I day dream about meeting a really great single dad at the park or wherever. It’s always such a positive little fantasy. I never factored in drama. Is it really worth avoiding?
You did not ask me but I want to add to this subject.... blending a family takes work and the more layers (people involved) the more items that need to be juggled. I am a solo mama and I would rather date a man without any children of his own but who still would like a family at some point.

Really the (potential) drama is not the main factor as much as schedules and smooth blending. My time is already really limited if I had to be considerate of another child and custody schedule it would further limit the time I could spend with a significant other. More children means needing a larger home IF I were to marry Mr. Right and he was a single dad. Also I like that with me already having a child some things like my approach to discipline, education are clearly defined so if the relationship progressed a man without children would be more apt to allow me to set the initial parenting tone ---- if he already sees it's working with my dd.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#131 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 12:57 AM
 
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Reading through all this - my perception is that many of you are approaching this whole dating thing from a very practical and reasonable point of view.
So you don't want to date a single dad? Or a guy with a bagage? Or a guy with no money? Or a guy with or without... make up your own.
But what if - you fall in love with such a man. What if you just LOVE him? What if he does have faults (as we all have) and you just love him so much that noone else compares?
Do you really believe that love is only meant for those who have found peace with who they are - who have had enough experience, enough emotional intelligence, enough peace within - to feel they don't need anyone else? Is love only for those who have reached a point where they can surely say - I can live my entire life alone, and I will be satisfied and happy because I don't need anyone else?

IMO? Bullshit! Sorry to be blunt.

Love is for everyone. You can't prepare for it. If you love someone -you take everything that comes in that person - including the part where they are not at peace with themselfes, their pasts, their problems. I am not saying love is always enough. I am not saying you should take any kind of crab from a guy and make the excuse that you love him. That is not my point.

I just don't believe love is practical or reasonable. I don't believe it automatically finds you just because you have made all the right preparations.

Do I sound like a hopeless romantic? Dramatic? Do I sound immature?

Maybe so. I just know I have been having casual or not so casual relationships with - many many men - in my life. Actual love of some sort - I think I have felt it - three times total? True love - the kind where there is no doubt, no defence. Once. And you know who.
I just hope I wont have to go through a similar amount of men to find it again cause - that would totally suck.

About the Sade song - not really my taste, but beautiful message
Sharing music about love - I am into Tina Dico at the moment. Beautiful lyrics - and an amazing voice coming out of this little blond girl. One song about being in - very deep- knowing the danger:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_pM3...536EF&index=10
And another lovesong from Tina - about loving men with flaws: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov4_L...536EF&index=12

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#132 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 02:03 AM
 
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I have not updated about my own dating life in a while....

The Agent and I haven't seen each other since I stood him up ummm like two months ago but tonight he asked to see me after I'm done with finals and I promised to make up for standing him up but he is not the one. He is good on paper, super easy to date, there for me when I need him, etc. but dating him would be for security, ease of dating, etc. not for love. There is just no spark for me but he feels differently. I guess we will be going out next weekend since I finish finals on Thursday but we'll see.

Pretty Boy feels I constantly ignore him and don't have time for him so he took me off his blackberry messenger and deleted me as a facebook friend..... I am so over his pouting. Why is he still holding on to memories from 7 years ago when we dated, I don't recall anything special from back then with him. Not quite sure how to be more clear that I am just not into him, I have said the "I'm not ready for a relationship line to him" I have said "My time is limited, my dd my priority" why can't he be OK with building a friendship and not dating me does it really have to be all or nothing with men like him??

And about my new guy.....


He is actually a friend of Pretty Boy's. The first time we met was briefly I was on my way inside Pretty Boy's for a low key party and he was leaving but stopped to speak with my male best friend whom I came with. Then we saw each other a second time at Pretty Boy's birthday party where he asked if I was dating the guy who he saw me with at Pretty Boy's house I stated that guy was my best friend so after that the new guy was basically by my side the entire night, dancing with me, he even went up to pretty boy with me and asked why Pretty Boy does not invite me out more and Pretty Boy just said I always flake....... so the night goes on he mentions his only vice is smoking and ask mine I say shopping for my dd (so now he knows I have a kid.....) the club was closing & our group was leaving so Pretty Boy invited me to his place for a "private party" which I kindly just didn't answer the text invite for, then the new guy called me and I picked up he apparently drove Pretty Boy home and thinking I might be there came up to see if I was there & he called to see if he could get me to come by there so we could spend more time together. I stated there was a conflict since another person there also likes me I think it was best I did not come. So he asked if he could stop by my house and at least come out to chat. I agreed and we sat in his car from about 2:30AM - 5:30AM chatting and making out. He looks at me with such a glow in his eyes, he makes me smile from ear to ear when we hang out. It's nice. I told him that night about Pretty Boy and he was certainly disappointed but his is response was that if things appear to be building between he and I that he would broach the subject with Pretty Boy...... since that night I see the new guy about 4-5 times a week most often he comes by for a hug after he has been working a 12 hour day, he texts me almost daily sometimes several times a day, I have met one of his sisters and his only brother, he has met my parents (I live in their guest house). Overall it's nice but I feel odd that he still has not said anything to Pretty Boy. I just don't see how he can be serious about me and not broach the subject with Pretty Boy ----- they socialize in the same social circle him not being man enough to say something leaves me feeling he is not serious then he ask me about coming to his families' Christmas dinner and I just don't know how to read the mixed signals. I keep reminding myself it's only been two dates since his work schedule is really tights so is it possibly that we are still such a new thing....? He is not just trying to rip my clothes off he is 100% supportive of taking it slow in that area so what is it? Last night I asked if he wanted to rewind and just be friends and he clearly said no that he absolutely adores me. I don't want to make Pretty Boy seem like a big deal in my life because he's not but I also fear if things continue moving forward with the new guy would he just not take me out in that social circle (thus cutting me out of part of his life) by not being open from the start with his friend...... I just don't know I don't want to keep bringing the subject up but I do feel Pretty Boy deserves more than his ex and his friend of 12 years dating behind his back (which is how I feel it is at present). Anywhoo I really do enjoy my time with the new guy we are taking "turtle steps" which is ideal for me right now and he makes me smile so overall when I stay present in the moment I am super happy.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#133 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 02:08 AM
 
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Hmm.. interesting conversations. I'm not seeking anyone to blend my family with. My kid's dad has them 50% of the time. They have a father. I'm still not all too sure where this puts me. I don't want an all too serious relationship, not right now. I'm having some fun playing the field. Otherwise, I have a busy life when I both have the kids and not, with work and other things I am pursuing.

Artsy Psychologist and I have been spending a fair amount of time together, though. I guess we only met last week sometime, after chatting randomly for a year online, and it was pretty unexpected to feel that kind of chemistry. But, he's really quite young and his life is highly involved w/ very young people and he has much of the college life going on. He invited me to a dance club party thing tonight, which was tempting for a while, but then just seemed too noisy. I love live shows but this one seemed a bit too extreme for me. Am I acting too old?

He's really very sweet, though, and hanging out with him is just so comfortable.

Shy Guitarist canceled on me again and is going out of town. Says he wants to hang out when he gets back. I should probably just write him off.

I've another person I'm meeting next week, which I discussed privately a bit. I'll post more if anything comes of that.

In terms of my ex... until a few weeks ago we were in a very contentious custody battle. We couldn't even speak to each other. But he approached me about a settlement, and I decided even though it was less time w/ my kids (I really didn't want 50/50), having a chance of being amicable w/ their father was worth it. So now we do speak and we're able to talk about the girls and I am very glad for that.
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#134 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 02:35 AM
 
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Seie I actually date with my heart, soul and emotions each time which is one reason I don't really date on a regular basis and am slow to open up. If I appraoched dating from a practical standpoint I would already be engaged to the Agent - it was on the table and if I were with him...... dd would have an amazing stepdad willing to go to the end of the earth for her, finances no problem, getting dd into my dream school with super tough admissions and 20K a year tuition no problem, my career aspirations no problem, traveling no problem. Any dream I had he would work hard to make happen and we are indeed friends, I care about him deeply and the practical sounds "nice".....

But I am not with the Agent in fact I stood him up and I'm dating the new guy who is working his way up in his career (who btw - does not even have but needs an agent) he smokes which I felt/feel strongly was a dealbreaker but I'm still here giving "us" and "love" a chance. He makes my heart smile so "practical" is not the way all of us approach dating.

2 of the 4 men I have briefly dated are single dads, but I have to say those relationships were harder build because of the lack of child free time and my unwillingness to blend families early on. It's not that I will not date a single dad (or a man with flaws) just that I do know that the logistics of dating a single parents take more work, esp. when you have two single parents.

For me I want to approach dating knowing myself and knowing my needs as best I can. I hope to find a true life partner who loves me unconditionally and who I feel the same way toward but I also plan to be practical toward making sure a relationship is set up to be successful and not to fail based on what I know of myself, my needs, etc.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#135 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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LoveOhm Thanks for the update! I don't know what to think about the new guy not saying anything to prettyboy? Maybe he just doesn't think it is that important? And it sounds like Prettyboy may have a pretty good idea of what is going on already, if he dropped you from fb and IM.

Seie I'm pretty much with you, in the "we love who we love" camp. We make these criteria, restrictions, whatever, but I have seen just about everyone on this list overlook that when someone comes along and the sparks start flying.

Mumblemama I'm so glad your custody battle has come to an end, even if it wasn't the exact situation you originally wanted. I hope it lets you move on with your life a bit more freely.

My dad was up last night, so after the kids were in bed, I went into town and went dancing with my bff (ha, I've never used the term bff before!), and then met up with ATG after he got out of work -- spent a few hours hanging out at the bar of the restaurant where he works. It was really nice, we just talked, made eyes at each other -- I got to meet a few of his coworkers, which was fun, my bff got to meet him which was great.

Today was supposed to be my kid-free day, but of course my axh canceled on me, so I am not able to spend the day with ATG as planned. But he is going to come over here towards dinner time to hang out and spend the evening after the kids are in bed.
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#136 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 01:19 PM
 
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"I'm sorry, just a few weeks ago you've finally decided to make a clean break with an on again, off again drama roller coaster ride thingy? I don't think it's fair to anyone else (i.e. if Chocolate Man wanted to date you) for you to be putting yourself out there until days that you can't count on your fingers and toes have passed by, and you no longer live with oh-so-recent-ex. Focus on moving into your new place and catching your breath from a pretty up and down and exhausting relationship that has lasted so long and ask yourself why you hung in there so long, etc.... evaluate. Heal. Then move on, and ....when the right person comes along, with them perhaps."

I have to slightly disagree. I know that I wouldn't intentionally get into a relationship with someone at my messed point but sometimes a person just falls into your lap that may actually be more of a help than a hinderance. With the sh*t i'm STILL going through (i'm still divorcing and getting into the messy parts of it AND pregnant with my exbf's baby who is in JAIL and getting sentenced in a month) there is just no concieveable way that I am healed or even close to it...I have so many things to worry about and hurt over but RR has helped me more than anything! He knew Jail Bird before so actually similar to chocolate man. Having someone who is able to keep up with my sh*t has been way more helpful than waiting till I was healed. I also believe now that some relationships, although they may not come at the right time or be the one that lasts forever, may actually help heal (at least for me) and be a safe, supportive way to learn what issues I may really have! Also though I am honest about the whole thing. I'm not leading someone on or trying to be something I'm not and have told RR all of my feelings. Its refreshing.

Also BTW RR is a dad of 2 boys although they are in another state so I haven't met them (or exwife etc). I think it was far easier to have a relationship with him because he's a dad already than if he were single!

So many updates! I guess friday night was a busy time for you ladies huh? Well I am living through you all. I spent the night watching tv and crashing early.
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#137 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 01:23 PM
 
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Reading through all this - my perception is that many of you are approaching this whole dating thing from a very practical and reasonable point of view.
So you don't want to date a single dad? Or a guy with a bagage? Or a guy with no money? Or a guy with or without... make up your own.
But what if - you fall in love with such a man. What if you just LOVE him? What if he does have faults (as we all have) and you just love him so much

Do you really believe that love is only meant for those who have found peace with who they are - who have had enough experience, enough emotional intelligence, enough peace within - to feel they don't need anyone else? Is love only for those who have reached a point where they can surely say - I can live my entire life alone, and I will be satisfied and happy because I don't need anyone else?

IMO? Bullshit! Sorry to be blunt.

Love is for everyone. You can't prepare for it. If you love someone -you take everything that comes in that person - including the part where they are not at peace with themselfes, their pasts, their problems. I am not saying love is always enough. I am not saying you should take any kind of crab from a guy and make the excuse that you love him. That is not my point.

I just don't believe love is practical or reasonable. I don't believe it automatically finds you just because you have made all the right preparations.
No, I don't believe that love is practical or reasonable... AT ALL! But, I also don't believe that love - alone - will give me what I ultimately want either... a positive, healthy, loving lifetime partnership.

Love is fickle... it comes and goes, as you can read the many, many stories of partners falling in and out of love with each other over the years.

Therefore... what does keep two people together for a lifetime??? Love is just a small component of the type of relationship I want in my life.

Yes, love is for everyone... I just choose to make 'smart' love choices, which I am sure you cringe at.

When you know yourself, have spent time learning the mistakes from previous relationships and are not desperate (due to a fear of being alone or loss of hope that there is someone out there for you), you are less likely to jump at the first man that shows any type of love/affection/etc. You are better able to take your time and truly get to know that person.
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#138 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 01:38 PM
 
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Being practical and following your heart aren't totally exclusive, but if I had to choose one it'd be more on the practical end of things. I'd say I've been "in love" a total of 2 or 3 times, though I have loved many people in other passing ways, and sometimes I can't help but wonder if the "in love" ones are still that way simply because I gave them up.

I know everyone has different views on it, but if ever I were to settle down once and for all, I would be very practical about it. I would, of course, have to love the person even still, but relationships take SO MUCH WORK. I know I wouldn't feel "in love" with said person forever, and it would go up and down, but I would have to like and respect them and care about them deeply enough to get through that. It's just what I know about myself and who I am. So if you are getting into such a situation where the person has lots of "baggage", it takes all that much more work.

At the same time, though, I've got my own set of baggage a person would have to choose to accept or not. I *would* date a single dad, or someone who didn't make tons of money, etc., my practicals are more along the lines of I would never again get serious with someone who couldn't fully be a partner with me, be supportive (and vice versa), had their own lives, and knew how to clean up after themselves (yes, this is very important to me!).

Though I haven't had coffee yet, so...

And on another note, I think someone saying they are not ready for a relationship can be very true and something they have already decided upon and are letting you be aware of. If I had Mr. Absolutely Perfect fall into my lap right now knowing he wanted to marry me and live happily ever after, I would probably not even see it because it's not what I want.
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#139 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 02:07 PM
 
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Morning ladies..

So Chocolate man... hmmmm This is tough... He is safe to me. I can be ME, that is a luxury I have never had with a man. We relate well to one another, even finish eachothers sentences and thoughts. We talk, A LOT, OFTEN, DAILY. I backed off a little last week out of respect for my ex because I am still living under the same roof and one of his family members saw my car at CM's work and I could tell it really hurt exH.

CM and I were still talking though as usual. Then Friday he had a really busy day and we talked only twice. When he called me in between clients I was running into a gas station to get EXH a drink to bring to him at work (he is a carpenter and was working outside and needed me to bring him paperwork, hand warmers, his gloves, and asked if I would stop and get him an energy drink). When CM called I was talking to DD1 about what we were doing (getting a drink at the store) I mentioned "rockstar" brand and CM asked what flavor I liked, I HATE these things, I wasn't going to lie. I told him the blue one, but I hate them, it was for EXH. CM quickly closed up the conversation and has been weird since. We talk between every customer, he calls me and we text all day otherwise. Now I am lucky if I get an answer to my texts 4 hours later if at all (since Friday). We made tentative plans for Monday for breakfast, but I feel like something is different. I want to ask him, but I need to get him on the phone to do that and he seems to be avoiding me. I am not going to chase him. I just thought we were more friends than anything and I figured there would be no cat and mouse crap which I liked. Unless he is feeling unsure about my relationship with exH and backing off... UGH IDK...

I do enjoy his company and do value his opinion. I like him regardless of if it goes somewhere monogamous or the like. I am not expecting anything but would like it if it did go somewhere a little more serious eventually. Truth be told, he is a beautiful person. I want to get to know him more. But I am not sure where this new behavior is coming from....
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#140 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 03:46 PM
 
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Morning ladies..

So Chocolate man... hmmmm This is tough... He is safe to me. I can be ME, that is a luxury I have never had with a man. We relate well to one another, even finish eachothers sentences and thoughts. We talk, A LOT, OFTEN, DAILY. I backed off a little last week out of respect for my ex because I am still living under the same roof and one of his family members saw my car at CM's work and I could tell it really hurt exH.

CM and I were still talking though as usual. Then Friday he had a really busy day and we talked only twice. When he called me in between clients I was running into a gas station to get EXH a drink to bring to him at work (he is a carpenter and was working outside and needed me to bring him paperwork, hand warmers, his gloves, and asked if I would stop and get him an energy drink). When CM called I was talking to DD1 about what we were doing (getting a drink at the store) I mentioned "rockstar" brand and CM asked what flavor I liked, I HATE these things, I wasn't going to lie. I told him the blue one, but I hate them, it was for EXH. CM quickly closed up the conversation and has been weird since. We talk between every customer, he calls me and we text all day otherwise. Now I am lucky if I get an answer to my texts 4 hours later if at all (since Friday). We made tentative plans for Monday for breakfast, but I feel like something is different. I want to ask him, but I need to get him on the phone to do that and he seems to be avoiding me. I am not going to chase him. I just thought we were more friends than anything and I figured there would be no cat and mouse crap which I liked. Unless he is feeling unsure about my relationship with exH and backing off... UGH IDK...

I do enjoy his company and do value his opinion. I like him regardless of if it goes somewhere monogamous or the like. I am not expecting anything but would like it if it did go somewhere a little more serious eventually. Truth be told, he is a beautiful person. I want to get to know him more. But I am not sure where this new behavior is coming from....

UPDATE: He just called me and we talked for about an hour. He was distancing himself (admitted it when I asked). This is what I love about him. We can talk so openly and I can ask him whatever and he is so upfront. There has been some drama on my end with EXH over numerous issues, some including my having male friends and because CM and I talk daily and we are friends I tell him everything, so CM knows when I am going through something. He was concerned he was making the situation worse rather than better. I explained that EXH would find something else to fixate on regardless of the person, male or female. He is jealous qnd controlling at times and does not trust me (in part responsible for the demise of our relationship). CM said he was concerned and didn't want drama on either ends (for him or me). I told him he had to make that choice for himself and that talking to him often has helped me draw strength and has helped me to figure out where I need and want to be. I value him and I told him that. He was happy to hear that he was not causing me more stress. I told him I could not guarentee EXH wouldn't have times where he does go a bit crazy. I told him that I have been clear with exH that my new apartment is MY space, he is to call before coming outside of visit times and to cancel/postpone any visit. He is not to be nuts or I will seek a restraining order, DRAMA... UGH

I need to set clear boundaries with EXH and I will not put up with crazy, creepy, or jealous behavior, PERIOD.

I can understand CM's apprehension, I realized how sad I would be if he wasn't around anymore, though. It's a great feeling to be ok alone but to value another person to be your shoulder and not expect anything but your company and shoulder in return. We def have something unique going on....
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#141 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 04:25 PM
 
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True love CAN last! I want that!
Love struck after 20 years - study

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#142 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 05:51 PM
 
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Honestly, I would have also been bothered if I were ODD... AND, I am older, have been in a relationship for longer than 2 years and been through a divorce with a child.

Additionally, didn't your orginal post about finding your wedding ring say something about still not being over your h?

I am wondering how fair that is to ODD? We all deserve to be with someone that is 100% available to us.
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Yes she did, and to those of us who have followed every post on her and her daughter's father's relationship all throughout 2009, it's pretty clear that it's a complicated, complicated area, and.... sorry, eewiew, but I agree with Holland73, and it's completely understandable that anyone she dates may have unsettled feelings about it. And I'm certain you know/get that! But just because a super serious relationship might be tough to fall into this minute because of that added snafu area, doesn't mean that your relationships you find in this stage of your life aren't meaningful and that you shouldn't date, or that you owe it to others anything other than yourself and your honesty. They can decide to take their chances getting involved, with their eyes wide open.

Basically, I wish everything wonderful for you, eewiew! I am definitely on your side, cheering you on, and I think despite complicated feelins towards your ex, you are headed down the right path, in the right direction, and taking great care of yourself in the moment. I hope all the best relationships and best possible outcomes eventually fall in your lap when the time is right.
First, thank you Butterflymom for your well wishes.

Now, to address the other comments...no, I'm not over my H, but I'm close. I will readily admit that; no denial here. I don't blame ODD for being weird about it, but I also believe in brutal honesty - this is where my head is, and if there are concerns, I want a partner who will speak to them and work with me.

So I guess we'll see what happens.

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
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#143 of 288 Old 12-13-2009, 11:46 PM
 
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So I guess we'll see what happens.
I, for one, am totally cheering you on!
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#144 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 03:14 AM
 
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Here is my update, though I don't know if any of you know my story. In August I started seeing a young man of the age of twenty. I am thirty. I was surprised when he asked me out knowing my age and that I have three kids. We had alot of fun and spent the next weekend together. We had alot in common and fell in love. He was very comfortable with the kids and they with him. He was very mature and didn't seem to want to go out and be wild. So the weekend before Thanksgiving he got his own apartment in the town where I live. Before that he would stay with me and basically he would be around in the morning before work and in the evening after work. We were really happy! It was so amazing and I had a hard time when he got his own place. I missed having him around and felt like I was losing him. Then he went home(his family lives about two hours away from here) for Thanksgiving. He came back the day after and I called him to see when I could see him again. He'd had a hard time at home and I pushed him to find out when he planned on calling or seeing me and we ended up breaking up. Now I am heartbroken and can't understand what happened. All I needed was some reassurance that he was still with me and that he loved me but other things came up and now he is gone and I don't know how to deal with this heartbreak. I go through the motions and try to fake it but inside I am numb. I want to see him, or write to him and let him know how I feel but that feels so intrusive when someone makes it clear that they are done. I never got any sense that he was not being sincere and usually you can see these things after the fact, but I knew he was restless. I just wish he'd have been honest with me and told me that he would be leaving at some point. It was so good up until the day he left for Thanksgiving. That is why this is so hard to take. If only I could see what went wrong, but it was just my needyness, which was normal, i think, not obsessive. He was constantly asking me if I needed help and I was constantly refusing. I think I asked him like two or three favors in the 4 months we were together. All I can do is accept it. but I am not ready. It has not even been two weeks since I last saw him, but it is like he never existed, and we work at the same place! I don't know what to do. I want to fight but I love him and have to respect his wishes. I am lost.

Happiness despite misery is a great victory, I think...

caffix.gifSingle coffee loving and making mom to fencing.gifds, age 12, hamster.jpg dd, age 10, dog2.gif dd, age 7, flowerkitty.giftigress, cat.gifquinn, hyena.gifblack cat, and wool.gif beatrice the spider. Yeeehawww!!!

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#145 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 04:20 AM
 
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Ouch Hazeldust that sounds like a heart wrenching situation...... hope you heal quickly! (((HUGS)))

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#146 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 04:47 AM
 
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Hazeldust: Im so sorry. I'm heartbroken too and know how it feels. No good advice here. I have read tons of recover from heartbreak advice and nothing is helping. I still feel overwhelming grief - especially in the morning. I feel like there is no point to anything. No way I can fall in love with anyone ever again. All that stuff. I also never really knew what happened -why it was so perfect the one week and then the next thing I know he breaks up and my world has just fallen apart. So sorry you are going through it too

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#147 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 07:14 AM
 
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I think I just got dumped. I feel so blindsided.

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#148 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 12:31 PM
 
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Sugarmoon - when you say it went down, and fast, do you mind sharing what happened?

We've had a lot of touchy, uncomfortable times, for sure, and it's really hard to keep everything harmonious, which at times entails swallowing a bunch of crap. I just wonder if I'm being unrealistic about what is possible to achieve with an ex. There's a part of me that's just making the best of a crappy situation, but another part of me does legitimately want him in my life and value his insight/opinion, and vice-versa.

Other mamas? Thoughts?
I tried that myself, and it backfired. I wound up expending way too much emotional energy on him, and swallowed too much of his BS, and the end result of it is that when he found out, back in the day, that I was talking to Warrior_Deluxe, he flipped out, and when I went to see Texas Gentleman TG's birthday, he flipped out even worse and called CPS on me.

So my personal experience colors the way I look at your experience, and what you are going through seems very, very similar to what I put myself through, right down to not being quite over my ex-husband. Honestly, you have got to distance yourself. There simply is not a "you" to work on any more. The longer you try to work on your relationship with your ex, the longer you will be tied to him emotionally. And screw how potential dates might feel about that--It's not fair to YOU.

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Sometimes I day dream about meeting a really great single dad at the park or wherever. It’s always such a positive little fantasy. I never factored in drama. Is it really worth avoiding?
Honestly, I would have felt incredibly hypocritical, as a single mother, to say no to a single dad because of him having kids. I think it's quite shallow of prospective partners to turn me down because I have kids (of course, they do get to do that, and I get to roll my eyes at them because of it ). I've talked with a few single dads in the past, and the relationship they have with their children speaks to me. There was one fellow whose sons lived in AZ, and he was a-OK with that (he'd actually moved to Austin post-divorce). I decided he just wasn't the kind of guy I wanted in my life, KWIM?

***

Now, as for my own situation:

The caseworker has been and gone, and seemed rather nonplussed about the whole situation. The accusations included, among other things, that there were dirty dishes in the sink, my kids smelled bad (!), they had the sniffles, and that we have two cats who go to the bathroom in a litterbox under the bathroom counter. The call was made 6 Nov--TG's birthday is the fifth. Chances are XH called me in right after I hung up on him after refusing to discuss my relationship with the new guy.

Speaking of TG, he's on his way to me now. He's going to be here for a week. It's show and tell time. I've been reading the discussion on introducing the new guy to the kids, because that's where I am. He's talked to them on the phone, of course, but not had the chance to meet them before now. I wouldn't be introducing them if we weren't serious--and we've been together almost three months now. (Man, time flies!) Of course, he's got to show that he can handle the big city, and hang with my family and friends. I made the mistake the first time around of marrying someone none of my friends really liked (not that they told me at the time). I won't do that again.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#149 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 01:21 PM
 
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Sagesgirl, how have you prepared the kids for having TG come live with ya'll for a week? They've never met him before, and he's going to be sharing your bed with you, and spending all his time with you and the kids, right? Have you anticipated what your ex might do? I hope it all goes great.
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#150 of 288 Old 12-14-2009, 01:24 PM
 
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I think I just got dumped. I feel so blindsided.
to you and to Hazeldust, and of course Seies, who are all hurting.
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