**December** Dating Thread: Updates and (Re)Introductions, please! - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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#181 of 288 Old 12-17-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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Oh, and I am having some "moral" considerations about dating two men at the same time. It is just something new and I am not 100% sure how I am feeling about it right now.
It's just been a few little first dates with these men, so just relax and see how you feel after you really see which one you *want* to throw your chips in towards. Unless you hate doing it (which it doesn't seem like!) and then just choose one and tell the other you need to simplify your social life.


NMM, you sound so smitten. Enjoy it. If you want more than no strings attached fun, then change your own mindset about it, and it will shine through to him eventually and he will stop commenting about how you are the quintessential 'free bird' who needs to fly. Unless you really are an really really do need to keep him at arm's length until your'e ready for a relationship. Why do you say you are not?
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#182 of 288 Old 12-17-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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Wow thank you. I am not experienced with internet dating at all I will try your tips and hopefully January will produce better results.
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#183 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:15 AM
 
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It's just been a few little first dates with these men, so just relax and see how you feel after you really see which one you *want* to throw your chips in towards. Unless you hate doing it (which it doesn't seem like!) and then just choose one and tell the other you need to simplify your social life.
I know... you are right!

So, JB and I txted all day today... a lot of 20 questions kind of stuff. It was fun and I learned a lot about him. And, we appear to be pretty darn compatible, but I won't know for sure until I meet him in person.

O texted today in the late afternoon asking if he could 'drop by' tomorrow night... "if not too late of a notice?" When I didn't text within 15 minutes, he called. I was preparing my students for their Peace Celebration Performance tonight, so I couldn't reply or answer the text/call. I think I will let him wait for awhile before I call him back.
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#184 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 10:55 AM
 
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aren't you a coy little vixen.... I'll start calling you SaucyMinx73....
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#185 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:11 PM
 
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aren't you a coy little vixen.... I'll start calling you SaucyMinx73....


Honestly, I was really busy... baking 40 cupcakes for ds and my classroom parties for today. Only to wake up this morning to both sets of cupcakes swarming with bleeding ants!!!!!!!!!! Suffice to say, my kitchen had enough ant carnage to rival that of any major war.

I digress... sorry!

I did call O back and left a message, basically stating that I had absolutely NO desire to go out - out. He had mentioned in his voicemail about going out for dinner. I told him it has been such a crazy busy week (the week before any school vacation is always nuts) and I am pretty darn wiped-out... but if he wanted to grab some take-out and come over for a late dinner that would be great. If not, no worries and we would just have to go out-out at another date.

He called back and said, "That sounds great!" As I had no brain power, I couldn't for the life of me think of what kind of take-out to suggest, so he told me to not worry and he would just take care of it! He will be here tonight at 9pm!

As for JB... well, he is becoming WAY TOO intense - almost appearing desperate, especially considering we haven't even met. His final text to me last night was "Sleep well my future potential love!" It is overwhelming to me... too much pressure. Thankfully, he is on-call at the hospital until Tuesday, so we won't be in contact as much as these past two days because he's been off work. I am definitely feeling overwhelmed and need to step back a bit.
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#186 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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I am into him.... I just don't see him blowing up my cell with messages about having had fun last night or trying to make it to my Christmas party I'm throwing tomorrow or when we might see each other again or anything. I have other guys, great guys, not-my-type guys, blowing up my cell phone, who are into me and not scared to show it. Concept of adverse selection.....
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#187 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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Some of them are probably married, others contemplating leaving partners/girlfriends and shopping around online to check out the marketplace before leaving current situation. and some of them are single but are casting their net FAR and WIDE and then every couple of days narrow things down a bit and they don't bother to say 'thanks for playing, but no thanks' to the ones they weed out. It's all very crude and unfair.

My suggestion to you is to cast YOUR net far and wide. Write a witty, fun, catchy little jingle of a paragraph sized 'bait' mail to copy/paste out to MANY, MANY, MANY men in your area that appeal to you at all/meet your basic criteria. Something fun, silly, and not to set the tone that you are pursuing them, but just some funny commentary on online dating, a joke, whatever, that might make them smile, with some line towards the end that could be directed to anyone at all but makes them think you only sent this out to *them.* Example: "I'm not sure what it was about your profile, but after I read it, I felt like being a goof in your direction." Then all men who respond to THAT can get a similar copy/pasted little blurb with answers to their specific questions worked in the beginning or end if they even had any. Try not to even consider it a real 'bite' until the guy has responded several times, and then say that it's been fun, but emailing bores you so much you would almost rather watch Oprah, so to keep you away from Dr. Phil and his pals, he must enter round two: phone chatting time, and engage your attentions and interest for at least ten solid minutes to win a mystery prize which you will inform him of later. Then AFTER you've heard a guys' voice and thought he rocked, you give yourself permission to start poking around his profile, thinking about him, hoping he will ask you out, etc....

Just a thought.


Great advice!

ButterflyMom... you are one witty lady!
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#188 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:20 PM
 
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His final text to me last night was "Sleep well my future potential love!" It is overwhelming to me... too much pressure. Thankfully, he is on-call at the hospital until Tuesday, so we won't be in contact as much as these past two days because he's been off work. I am definitely feeling overwhelmed and need to step back a bit.
You definitely do. :

It's fine if he would honestly feel that way and be getting carried away. But that he admits those things directly to someone he has not yet met, at his age, shows horrible judgement. And ultimately, you want to partner with someone who shows very sound judgment, and consistently.
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#189 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:25 PM
 
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I am into him.... I just don't see him blowing up my cell with messages about having had fun last night or trying to make it to my Christmas party I'm throwing tomorrow or when we might see each other again or anything. I have other guys, great guys, not-my-type guys, blowing up my cell phone, who are into me and not scared to show it. Concept of adverse selection.....
It does appear that you are most attracted and/or most strongly drawn to men that cannot commit and/or are fully available to you... why is that? Might be something to think about???

All of my past relationships, the men have been very, very responsive & VERY quickly in the beginning of the relationship. Much like JB, although a bit less intense.

Whereas, O is a bit more slow on the uptake and is definitely NOT "blowing up my cell phone." I honestly think it has more to do with taking it slow and being sure, which I am realizing is a change of pace for me. A change of pace that I feel might be good, because how I have done it in the past hasn't worked.

My suggestion: Step back, have fun with everyone else in your life and see what happens.
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#190 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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Great advice!

ButterflyMom... you are one witty lady!

you are very wise too!

My advice to Candid was just all about keeping your mental energy focused away from some unknown person in cyberspace who may or may not ever materialize into your life in a tangible away because it's solid economics. Try not to waste yourself (your energy) in pointless directions. And guys respond really really well to silly, lighthearted, funny, goofy tones in the early stages. After all, they probably have come out of relationships too by this point in their lives that by the end, were probably very unpleasant/serious, and are going to be delighted by the refreshing 'fun only' aspect of a few witty one liners, etc.

Then again I'm still single after 15 whole months so perhaps I'm a guy repellant and should be ignored!
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#191 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 12:53 PM
 
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By the way, I've done sales before where we sort of work out that it's all a numbers game and can be boiled down to a science where like 100 cold calls might lead to 10 appointments which might lead to 4 agreed sales which might lead to one actual signed/sealed/delivered actual sale, so that's where my mathematical model comes from.... it's just sales!
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#192 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 02:06 PM
 
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Well, I haven't posted in this thread before but have lurked. My stbx told me on Aug 11th he wanted a divorce, and moved out on Aug 15th. He found someone online right away, and moved in with her on Sept 27th. Our kids are just turning 8, just turning 4 and the baby is 2.

I haven't felt ready to start dating or looking for someone new, but have been spending a bit of time in person and a lot of time on the phone with my college sweetheart. He and I have kept in touch over the years and my stbx and I have always thought that he has been carrying a torch for me. He sends me bday gifts and sent baby gifts for all three of my babies when they were born. I hear from him intermittently. He has never been married and has no kids, though he has been in a number of relationships over the years. We usually touch base every few months. Ironically, he emailed me the day after my stbx dropped the bomb.

He and I were on the phone a few nights ago for 3 hours. During that time he mentioned a girl so I asked about her. He said he had dated her. When I asked why it ended he said he was stupid. Then he said he didn't want to talk to much about it because he didn't want it to lead into a conversation that he has been wanting to have with me in person (he lives an hour and 15 minutes away and it is hard to get together). I didn't push him at the time, but am wondering what he will say. It is obviously going to be either, "I'm interested in being more than friends" or a "I don't think we should be more than friends" conversation. We haven't talked about anything really deep, just a little flirtation thrown in now and then. The chemistry has ALWAYS been there, and still is. I'm seeing him tomorrow and we are going to see a movie (Avatar) and go out to eat but his sister is coming. She is in town from Malaysia for one month and their parents are out of town for a week so he is kind of entertaining her (they are really really close anyways).

I don't know what will happen. I can imagine a lot of different scenarios. I feel like I have nothing to lose and am just trying to enjoy the ride right now. It is nice to get some male attention.

~Tracy

Rockin' mama to Allison (9), Asher (5) and Alethea (3), head over heels in love with my sexy husband, Tony.

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#193 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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I feel like I have nothing to lose and am just trying to enjoy the ride right now. It is nice to get some male attention.

~Tracy
Have fun Tracy, and
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#194 of 288 Old 12-18-2009, 11:30 PM
 
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So, day after date with SL:

SMS history, 20 hours after date ended:


Me: Hope you weren't too tired at work today and you have a very relaxing, nice weekend lined up for yourself. I am staying in and watching movies on my big couch right now. -Butterfly, who wants to send her regards to Pirkki [his dog's name]

SL: I've been tired all day, but it wasn't a surprise. I'm not sure about the weekend. And his name is pilkki.

Me: Crap. Dont' tell him I got his name wrong! He'll never forgive me, I'm sure. Well, I hope you have a relaxing weekend and recover from yesterday's late night singing the house down and gambling like a pro. p.s. your 'tone' via SMS or in chat, in english, is almost grumpy! You come off much colder than I think you mean to, but luckily, you're ten thousand times more friendly live.

SL: I might sound grumpy because my sms typing is bad in english. I try to keep them short.

Me: I've noticed that. Your brevity usually makes me laugh because they border on rude/unfriendly, yet I don't think you intend it that way. Is it any easier to talk to me than type to me or are both methods laborious and exhausting?

SL: Right now I'm exhausted. It would be easier to talk. I guess. I don't mean to be rude.

Me: It's alright, I know you don't. anyawy, last night was really fun so I won't judge your sms tone too harshly. Once in awhile just put a smiley or something. hey, dont' forget to mention my party to your friends if they want to hit the center after sauna. I have about 45 people coming now, with non-facebook people added in, and lots of goodies to eat/drink and way cooler people than at the bars, if you ask me. And it would be nice to see you again before you leave town for christmas.




Do ya'll see what I mean? He seems so aloof and cool!
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#195 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 02:02 AM
 
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Good evening ladies,

I have been silent for quite a while now. I am still seeing Swimming Guy regularly. Things are going well most of the time, but he is sometimes moody and frustrated that his business isn't going so well.

There's a guy at work. Let's call him Sicilian Shaved Head (for lack of a better name). SSH.
He works at my work HQ in the IT department. Our office just moved to HQ in downtown Montreal, and the past three weeks IT has been very implicated in the move.
There have been a few times I have caught him looking at me, but the most interesting has been this past week where it seems like we have always been running into each other, or he has been spending a lot of (I think) unnecessary time on the floor I work on. We have intelligent conversations, short as they may be.
Tonight was our company party. Seating was assigned, and I was at a table across the room. It was buffet, and when I got up to get in line, he came over and stood in line behind me and started talking to me. Then we were interrupted by colleagues so couldn't talk to each other easily.
The evening went well....I spent a lot of time dancing, he was at the blackjack table. However, he started dancing at the end, and when I went up to the organiser to tell her I was leaving, SSH got ready to leave too and we walked together down the stairs to the coat room.
I had to put trousers and my snow boots on (and had no qualms about putting them on just under my dress) and he put his coat on, we chatted for a couple of minutes. Then a work colleague of mine came in, and he quickly put on his coat, said, Goodnight ladies< and then left.

How should I pursue this??? I don't even know if all this means anything - maybe he was just being friendly. Maybe he just wanted to leave and it was a coincidence it was at the same time as I left.
I think he's a bit shy - very intelligent, but shy. With killer eyes, and kind personality. My type.
Since next week is Christmas and I am almost sure he'll be working (I will too) I thought perhaps I might invite him to come with me to get a quick bite to eat???
I am not looking for anything new - just I think I'd like to get to know him better. Even as a colleague or friend.
Is this crazy???

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#196 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 10:26 AM
 
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I am not looking for anything new - just I think I'd like to get to know him better. Even as a colleague or friend.
Is this crazy???
You're not crazy, you should pursue the Sicilian and you should be aware and keep your options open to other men besides Swimming Guy.


I got a friendly 'Good Morning!' text from Shy Lawyer. He's learning to be friendlier in type! God he'd better pull it together to try to connect tonight!
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#197 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 01:42 PM
 
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Date with O was awesome!! Lots of playing, goofing around, great conversation, etc. It was just really, really nice.

JB apologized for "coming on too strong and inappropriately." I told him that I felt really pressured. I also told him that I enjoyed getting to know him, BUT we haven't even met yet and that is a HUGE missing component! He agreed and said he would calm down and just chill.

One of the nice things about dating more than one person is that it helps to de-intensify these beginning stages with a person... and it is a great distraction.

All of my past relationships have been intense in the beginning AND immediately go into a relationship. As apparent to my participation on this thread... none of those relationships have lasted. I am realizing it is because of the intense beginnings and immediate jump into a relationship with someone I do not fully know and who doesn't fully know me!

So... I am going to go with the flow and see what happens.
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#198 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 01:55 PM
 
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I got a friendly 'Good Morning!' text from Shy Lawyer. He's learning to be friendlier in type! God he'd better pull it together to try to connect tonight!
It is hard to text in a language that is not your native language. I was also VERY reticient and short/curt with my texting in Dutch. My Dutch friends also made similar comments as you did to him, in addition to complaining about my lack of texting. It just took a lot of brain power, as Dutch was not my native language, and I was ALWAYS afraid I would choose the wrong word, my text would be taken out of context and then I would have to sit and explain the whole darn thing. Ugh!

Happy you got a text from him this morning, though... that is promising! Just give him some time/space and I imagine he will come along just fine!
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#199 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 02:06 PM
 
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How should I pursue this???

Is this crazy???
I am assuming you and Swimming Guy haven't had any talks about exclusivity... have you? Do you want exclusivity with him?

No, you are not crazy for wanting to pursue SSH... but, I would just make sure that things are on the up n' up (clearly communicated) with Swimming guy. Kwim?

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I am not looking for anything new - just I think I'd like to get to know him better. Even as a colleague or friend.
I am not sure how that would work... considering you are talking about him being your "type." And, although you might not be looking for anything new, you seem open to it... which is great! Just be sure other 'entanglements' are in the same kind of openness as you are or at least aware of it.

Am I making any kind of sense... I am functioning on few hours of sleep right now. Sorry!!
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#200 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 02:37 PM
 
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Ok... I am going to dump JB. He is driving me utterly insane.

I told him I was dating someone else and he is just freaking out. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET THIS MAN!!!!!! It's too much and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with it.

My patience and understanding are finished!!!
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#201 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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Holland73,

Good for you to dump JB. That is a red flag right there. If you haven't even met nor had any talks about exclusivity, then he sounds like a guy you might not want to have around.

As for me having exclusivity talks with SG, we are exclusive with each other without having talked about it.
I don't know....maybe it's just the fantasy of being pursued or just flirting with another guy. I THINK SSH is my type, but I don't even know him. The one thing about him is that I am super sportive, and I don't think he is. But anyways, I think there is potential for a great friendship and a good flirty thing. I know he's single, from a Sicilian family, and very seriuous about family and relationships. Maybe I'm looking to have a relationship with guy who has a close knit family? Maybe I'm fantasizing that his brothers or cousins will be able to break my ex's legs the next time he manipulates me?
SG is totally my type too. He is a bit older (ten years older than I am), and clearly wanting something serious (not marriage or anything, but a serious relationship). His relationships usually last about 2 years, so I am figuring I might not be any different.

At least being attracted to another guy is helping me rely less on SG for my happiness. Which I shouldn't do anyways. It's fun anyways to have a good reason to look good at work, isn't it???

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#202 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It does appear that you are most attracted and/or most strongly drawn to men that cannot commit and/or are fully available to you... why is that? Might be something to think about???
Seconding this. I am liking someone who is different from the usual mold of men you find yourself attracted to.

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I don't know what will happen. I can imagine a lot of different scenarios. I feel like I have nothing to lose and am just trying to enjoy the ride right now. It is nice to get some male attention.
Looking forward to the update! and welcome

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Do ya'll see what I mean? He seems so aloof and cool!
I dont' think it seems so bad. Some people are just not text'ers.

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I am assuming you and Swimming Guy haven't had any talks about exclusivity... have you? Do you want exclusivity with him?

No, you are not crazy for wanting to pursue SSH... but, I would just make sure that things are on the up n' up (clearly communicated) with Swimming guy. Kwim?


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Ok... I am going to dump JB. He is driving me utterly insane.

I told him I was dating someone else and he is just freaking out. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET THIS MAN!!!!!! It's too much and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with it.

My patience and understanding are finished!!!
Yep, ridiculous.

I'm still happy-happy smitten girl. ATG and I see each other several times each week, email/text many times each day. He came over on Wednesday and came about an hour *earlier* than I had expected him, knowing that would give him more time with the kids awake -- it was really nice to have him here during the dinner/bedtime time. He got wood in, rescued my snowblower from the far corner of the yard where it had stalled, took out my compost...played with the kids...then made me a very nice dinner while I was putting the kids to bed.

I had a kind of weird emotional freak out though (I had also just started my period, and was feeling very emotional in general, which I had told him when he first arrived) after dinner. We had been all over each other while fixing dinner, and eating dinner and had finally finished, and I was sitting on his lap, facing him, kissing, flirting etc, and then I just started crying. The parts of having him at my house, playing so sweetly with the kids, helping me with the things (like the snowblower) that overwhelm me..it is just so emotionally intense and allowing myself to receive that...it is so hard, sometimes.

He was good though, and let me say what I needed to say, held me a bit, and then when I was calmer we went back to what we had been doing .

We were in the spare room downstairs and we both fell asleep. Later my littlest woke up and I went to resettle him, then came back to the spare room with ATG. He woke up a little, and pulled me to him, saying "Come here, I've got you, it's okay, I've got you." Which just makes me melt.

The next day, I was feeling badly for my little freak out -- I mean, it's been a month, he can't be expected to know, or promise me, anything. I talked to a RL friend about it, and then sent him an email, saying just that, but also saying that even though I know that, I am likely to still have little emotional freak outs every now and then, and I need him to be okay with that.

That night, I feel asleep putting the kids to bed, and when I woke up, I had a series of lovely emails from him, saying that he understands completely about my little freak outs, that he wishes he could know what will happen in the future, but for now he is really enjoying me and getting to know me. He listed all kinds of cute things he likes about me (and many of them are things he does for me, like getting my wood...).

I'm just . No guarantees, no promises, but a whole lotta liking going on, and better than that even, lots of open honest communication.
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#203 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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I sent him an email with help of flaming brother letting him know I was crushing and would like to act on it, and otherwise I really didn’t need to continue photographing him. His response was that he was “appreciative you made me aware of the situation”. BLAH! So I told him I would photograph him nude if he still just needed to be photographed by me. Didn’t hear back until two days later with a generic email that said…can’t wait to see the rest of the images from the shoot. Have a great Day! WHATEVER! I’m done with him. He was never interested in me, but I least I took the plunge and stopped obsessing.
I'm sure that was frustrating, but at least you got a straight answer!

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Originally Posted by mumblemama View Post
Otherwise, I met up w/ a girl for a coffee date, Mustang Sally as some of you have heard. I thought it was awesome and good, it was only an hour because she lives almost 2 hrs away, and I had to drive back home really late (I was there for a work related thing). But I thought it was good, and she has such the cutest smile. But then when I emailed her tonight if she was interested in hanging out again.. nada. And I saw her on okc for about an hour or so and eventually sent her a msg, and she immediately logged off. Talk about burn! OUCH!
Man, I hate when people do things like that! Is it really that hard to send a message that says "While I had a good time with you, I didn't feel enough of a connection to pursue this"?

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Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Oh, and I am having some "moral" considerations about dating two men at the same time. It is just something new and I am not 100% sure how I am feeling about it right now.
You know, this serial monogamy thing is pretty new to society. It's not that long ago that playing the field was considered the norm--for women as well as for men. I've told this story before in other contexts, but my former MIL was dating 5 men at the same time right up until she got engaged to xFIL.

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Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
He has said to me NUMEROUS times that he knows I am not ready and I need to do things as a single woman and I think that may be a little to blame for holding him back as well.
Darling, "you need to do things as a single woman" is just another way of saying he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. Sounds to me as if he's giving you just enough to keep you hooked, in case he changes his mind later on. You don't need to be played like that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
How do you know if it's love?
One of the big ways, in my experience, is that you're not asking yourself that question. What you are is infatuated. And that's not a bad thing. You're getting your ego stroked, and that is good, but try not to read more into it than is there.

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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Then again I'm still single after 15 whole months so perhaps I'm a guy repellant and should be ignored!
I don't think 15 months is very long at all! But then, it took me almost a year after my divorce was finalized to be interested in dating at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wugmama View Post

I don't know what will happen. I can imagine a lot of different scenarios. I feel like I have nothing to lose and am just trying to enjoy the ride right now. It is nice to get some male attention.

~Tracy
Enjoying the ride is a great plan. Welcome!

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Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post
How should I pursue this??? I don't even know if all this means anything - maybe he was just being friendly. Maybe he just wanted to leave and it was a coincidence it was at the same time as I left.
I think he's a bit shy - very intelligent, but shy. With killer eyes, and kind personality. My type.
Since next week is Christmas and I am almost sure he'll be working (I will too) I thought perhaps I might invite him to come with me to get a quick bite to eat???
I am not looking for anything new - just I think I'd like to get to know him better. Even as a colleague or friend.
Is this crazy???
I'd pursue it by continuing to be friendly. There's nothing to be lost, really.

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Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Ok... I am going to dump JB. He is driving me utterly insane.

I told him I was dating someone else and he is just freaking out. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET THIS MAN!!!!!! It's too much and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with it.

My patience and understanding are finished!!!
Sounds good. There's not a blessed reason for him to think he has a claim on you. Too crazy, too soon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollycrand View Post
At least being attracted to another guy is helping me rely less on SG for my happiness. Which I shouldn't do anyways. It's fun anyways to have a good reason to look good at work, isn't it???
Sounds like a good idea. Anything that will help you maintain perspective is good.


***

Texas Gentleman is right now at an interview at the paper in a little town about 20 minutes or so north of here. If he gets it, he will move to SA. Needless to say, I'm praying he gets it!

Mamas, he is wonderful with my girls, and they adore him. I have a picture of all of them together on my wall on Facebook. It's great. He is incredibly patient with them all, and they climb all over him and kiss on him and it's just amazing. There is not one single thing that has been less than perfect this week. Lots of political discussion.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#204 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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(((((Sabra)))))))

As my 2 yr old says "Ah-sum!"
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#205 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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So I was seeing this guy that I knew in high school, but we lost touch after high school until recently, then started a little something. After a while I asked him if we could be officially dating, then he rejected me. Ouch. I gave him some space and emailed to ask him if we are still friends, and he said he still wants to be friends, but quote "i'm unboyfriendable. it's not your fault, i'm screwed up..."

I deeply value his friendship, so I am overjoyed that I still get to talk to him. Both of us had really horrible traumatic childhoods, and I see us both struggling with the same issues. I'm not sure if he sees it. At the very least attachment avoidance, not feeling worthy of love. It is OBVIOUS to me that he won't let me love him. It makes him uncomfortable to accept love. And it just pulls at my heartstrings, because I wouldn't even let anyone get near me for most of my childhood. I have read up on reactive attachment disorder, and other attachment styles, although I think it's unrealistic and unfair to pigeonhole people into one of four categories. People are very complex.

I chose him for this very reason, but haven't discussed these things with him specifically. I know that he's working on something inside himself too. He said he's had a few psych sessions with a doctor of chinese medicine. I'm going to talk to him about my thoughts probably tomorrow. I feel that if I am correct that we both have the same attachment avoidance, we would both be safe and understanding people for each other to try to connect to.

I know he likes me. He's physically attracted to me. He has told me that he likes how I am aloof, among other compliments. He's not seeing anyone else romantically, but he is sociable and has lots of friends and hobbies.

OK, so thoughts?

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#206 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 11:17 PM
 
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SL and I were texting back and forth and he came to see me at the nightclub I was at. Where he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want any relationship with me, but wants to be my friend.
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#207 of 288 Old 12-19-2009, 11:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
SL and I were texting back and forth and he came to see me at the nightclub I was at. Where he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want any relationship with me, but wants to be my friend.
Ouch! But hey, at least he was upfront and honest. Finally.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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#208 of 288 Old 12-20-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sagesgirl View Post
Ouch! But hey, at least he was upfront and honest. Finally.


You now have closure, so you can spend your precious time on someone more available and deserving!
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#209 of 288 Old 12-20-2009, 12:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Butterfly: crummy. but at least you know

EarthRootsStarSoul: Hmm. If he's as damaged as he says he is/thinks he is, you're probably better off just being friends anyway. I know it isn't easy, and I'm always drawn to the beautiful damaged souls myself, but honestly, it just wrecks me in the end..

NMM: I'm with the rest of the ppl telling you not to pin too much on CM. Take what he is offering, sure, but be realistic about what that is, and don't give him too much of you. Keep your options open and keep your eyes and heart available for someone who wants to commit.
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#210 of 288 Old 12-20-2009, 12:42 AM
 
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Why did he feel the need to show up drunk, and tell me how special he thinks I am, and how he wants to be there for me and be my friend, and do whatever he can to help me, but that there will never be any kind of relationship between us.... in the swanky VIP section of a nightclub where I was with ALL OF MY FRIENDS after my christmas party, doing quite fine without him thank-you-very-much and he left all his friends at a different nightclub so he could come over and connect with me and drop this bomb on me. To which I proceeded to start crying, and made excuses about how I was just crying because it's the holidays and I miss my family in the states but my friends kept coming over and asking if everything was okay, and ready to kill this guy (SL, obviously) who was making me cry but I was like, nonoit'sfine, and I kept talking to SL and smiling through my tears and telling him of course it's fine and it's fine if we are just friends and in my tipsy mind I'm ready to slit my wrists because I feel like no one that I ever like will ever imagine that I'm worth being with.

Of course if it's any consolation SL admits he was attracted to me and if he would have been a player he would have lied to me to get me into bed but he's trying to do the right thing by being honest with me, even if that means never sleeping with me. Gee. thanks. I'm so happy right now.

Oh yeah and the reason. Besides him being so happy he met me, and me being so different than anyone he's ever met in this country, etc etc etc and how much he wants to be there for me as my friend, he could never date anyone where there's a language barrier. Damned for being American again.
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