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Old 01-14-2010, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Can I just express my confusion and overall melancholy?

We have been in touch with phone or email every day since we parted ways (1 week ago now) and we will see one another again, as is understood, in 11-18 days, depending on the week he is able to travel again which isn’t 100% sure. So this waiting game is killing me, until we can solidify and establish things in clear terms. Our correspondence is largely about my starting up a company, the interesting things I’m doing with a side business in music (putting together an ensemble and getting gigs), etc… and his goings-on as well. Suits me fine. We did have one steamy moment on the phone, so it’s not all totally dry and platonic, but for the most part. I think it’s silly to be all gooey and phone-sex-y when you have a couple of weeks to kill before you can meet, anyway, because it just gets old, whereas genuine discussion doesn’t. When I mention guys getting crushes on me after I get off of stage (I sing) and hitting on me (I make a funny story about a Seinfeld-style ‘close talker’ and me confessing to him that I’m a private assasin to get him to leave me alone) he makes fun comments back about feeling homicidal towards any man getting any type of crush on me. The mutual interest hasn’t waned as far as I understand it….

but…..

but…. he’s been logging into his online dating site account multiple times per day. I only get one longer email or a couple of shorter emails per day, and sometimes he writes back to a longer email of mine saying he’ll reply later that night when he has more time, and he never does. But I can see he was on his dating site account before he went to sleep and first thing when he woke up. What’s up with that? I deleted my account and set up a sham profile just to watch this guy’s actions. So his reason for checking his profile and mailbox can’t possibly be the same as mine.

I have a look on my face over here like my dog just died. I really, *really* liked him, and I genuinely miss him. And honestly, I could see things going somewhere with him. I feel like I might be setting myself up for getting used. Then again, I really do trust him. Or I badly want to be able to, as he seems so trustworthy on my radar, when we interact. I’m just insecure and feel vulnerable. From the beginning I was like, come on, why on earth don’t you just find a local supermodel to date, with your charm, wealth, and location? I myself am attractive, of course, but in his world, with his level of obscene wealth, he could easily find a younger and more beautiful woman to put on his arm. He has been adamant about not wanting some girl so close to his kids’ ages, and finds me absolutely unique, endearing and I draw him to me with my charm, etc. Plus I could go places with him and meet others with him and it would make sense (we went to sister/brother universities, there is a long standing tradition for over a hundred years of girls from my college marrying men from his college), and I would be accepted without any raised eyebrows by his long time friends, etc. My sex appeal can be toned down to elegant levels to be sure, and that’s my normal style anyway. (ok, I occasionally vamp it up for a nightclub, as we all do, right girls?) Even his kids wouldn’t feel too weird about me, and he’s already told them about me, shown them video/audio clips of me singing, etc, (I’ve even been on the phone with him when they are in the room and they seem to know who he is talking to). He can’t be telling his two kids (they are 16 and 20) about every single woman he is talking to, assuming he is keeping up correspondence with many….. Which really saddens me. He said he wants only one relationship at a time, and explicitly said he wants to begin one with me.

What’s going on here? I feel confident in his interest in me, and I also do genuinely feel confident that whomever is out there can’t really compete with me in terms of *this* guy and what I believe this guy values and is all about (and is looking for). I think I am almost custom tailor made for him, as it turns out, and I’d be shocked if he could find a lady half as appealing in all respects, as I am, for him. But…. I have this sinking dread that I’m being horribly naive and he’s shopping around, sleeping around, and being an all-around….. guy. I don’t want to bring drama to our so-new entanglement by asking him outright why he’s so active on the dating site. He doesn’t owe me anything, I know that. But I am already smitten. And counting the days to seeing him and not really interested in seeing anyone else in the interim, and I wish he felt the same way. Or maybe he does but just keeps corresponding back and forth with other girls for entertainment purposes? Nah, he’s way, way too busy for that.

(hiding under her blanket, waiting for her love story to find its’ way to a happy ending…)
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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God, it all goes back to 'how do you keep yourself from getting carried away, in the early developing stages of a relationship...' doesn't it??

:

I have such a hard time with that. why can't I just be cool??
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:22 PM
 
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When I mention guys getting crushes on me after I get off of stage (I sing) and hitting on me (I make a funny story about a Seinfeld-style ‘close talker’ and me confessing to him that I’m a private assasin to get him to leave me alone) he makes fun comments back about feeling homicidal towards any man getting any type of crush on me.
When a man says similar things to me, I immediately think he is insecure... mainly because I know that when I have said similar comments in the past, it was due to my insecurity. Be careful with this!

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but…. he’s been logging into his online dating site account multiple times per day. I only get one longer email or a couple of shorter emails per day, and sometimes he writes back to a longer email of mine saying he’ll reply later that night when he has more time, and he never does. But I can see he was on his dating site account before he went to sleep and first thing when he woke up. What’s up with that? I deleted my account and set up a sham profile just to watch this guy’s actions. So his reason for checking his profile and mailbox can’t possibly be the same as mine.
Did you both agree to delete your profiles? Did you both agree to exclusivity? If not, then I think you need to just relax and see where it all goes. It sounds, from what you have written, that he is still weighing his options, which is fine... if neither of you agreed to stop looking.

Your setting up a sham profile seems very... I am sorry to say this, but devious and desperate. If I found out a guy I was dating, who I had just recently met and we hadn't agreed to or discussed exclusivity, did the same thing you are doing... I would run for the hills!

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What’s going on here? I feel confident in his interest in me, and I also do genuinely feel confident that whomever is out there can’t really compete with me in terms of *this* guy and what I believe this guy values and is all about (and is looking for). I think I am almost custom tailor made for him, as it turns out, and I’d be shocked if he could find a lady half as appealing in all respects, as I am, for him. But…. I have this sinking dread that I’m being horribly naive and he’s shopping around, sleeping around, and being an all-around….. guy. I don’t want to bring drama to our so-new entanglement by asking him outright why he’s so active on the dating site. He doesn’t owe me anything, I know that. But I am already smitten. And counting the days to seeing him and not really interested in seeing anyone else in the interim, and I wish he felt the same way. Or maybe he does but just keeps corresponding back and forth with other girls for entertainment purposes? Nah, he’s way, way too busy for that.
He probably is interested in you, ButterflyMom. But, he also doesn't really know you yet and might also be dating more than one person at a time, which you and I both know has its benefits, as we have both participated (and discussed) in the same sort of dating activity.

So... my advice: Find something else to occupy your energy. Back off him a bit and see if he comes to you. Take down your sham profile and stop cyberstalking him. Stop with the crushing/hitting you stories.

AND... just be your awesome, beautiful, confident self!

Also, believe that he is NOT the only man out there... that will help with the feelings of desperations.

Oh... and just because you believe you are custom-made for him... perhap instead, you should focus on if HE is custom-made for you!!!!
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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why can't I just be cool??
For me, it was because I would constantly think there wasn't anyone better out there.

Granted, I truly didn't know any of them and they would, in retrospect, only be slightly better than the last one.

Now, I am trying really hard to focus on exactly what I want AND to truly believe, deep down inside (faking it when needed), that what I want is out there and I just need to keep making my life as spectacular, well-rounded and awesome as possible!
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Old 01-14-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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Butterflymom.. chill out! He is into you. It's still new. He could be logging in as a habit, he could have friends on there, he might have the tab constantly open on his computer without noticing. Or he is dating some other people... but that doesn't have to mean too much, right now!!

I'm sorry you're feeling vulnerable and insecure. Honestly I've done the sham profile thing before and seen the same results, and it ended up meaning nothing. And yes, it was a bit desperate and silly But whatever.

Just remind yourself... this guy is lucky if he gets you, not the other way around. You are awesome! Say it with me.
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:49 PM
 
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Butterfly: Im sorry you are going through a rough time. I agree with Holland. Try to take a step back. Maybe even go back to dating casually. You can always keepi it at no sex if you feel it is inappropriate - but It does sound like you need to try to focus on other things right now. And now go and LET him pursue you dammit. You are worth it..

Here I have had another rough couple of days. Lots of grieving being done here. But it actually feels good, allowing myself to sit around and just cry for half an hour to get it out of my system. I had a good long chat with the Manager just now and we have moved on to slightly flirting. We have discussed our first date but are having problems finding a time when we are both available. But actually - I am feeling quite good about him/it. Starting to actually look forward to that date. That is a positive right? A few days ago I was starting to get cold feet and wonder what the h*** I was doing already. But well- I am actually curious to meet him.. ETA pic in private

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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Old 01-15-2010, 01:29 AM
 
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Thanks everyone for the reassurances, re: the guy who has been on match for quite a while. Of course it seems totally reasonable now, I guess I'm just a relative newbie, as my previous experience with a dating site was catholicmatch which is much smaller, and "quieter."

I may have gotten a bit carried away myself with contacting guys on match! I think I've got 4 or 5 conversations going on right now, and frankly, the guys are starting to blend. I have a tentative coffee date scheduled for Sunday. There are two other guys I'm supposed to call, and another has asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee or drink. Phew. I'm going to have to find a few more hours in the day, or perhaps just take it a bit slower.

I'm also giving a lot of thought to having more kids. I would *love* to have more. BUT, I only want to do so if I meet an incredible guy who would be a top notch husband & step-father first. I'm also not sure I'm willing to put myself into a position of financial stress to have more (since I can't count on my X for much financial support of DD & DS). Anywho - I'm just debating whether I want to start down the road of dating guys who are pretty much sure they don't want kids, or more kids.

I hope at least the coffee itself was good Ione!

I'm sorry you're feeling so...anxious or unsure Butterfly. Do whatever you can to put some energy elsewhere - work on the new biz, go out on some other dates, heck, reorganize the linen closet! Deep breath mama!
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Old 01-15-2010, 01:48 AM
 
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My conversation with ds (who is 6.5 years old) about my date tomorrow night:

Me: Oh, the girls (our babysitters -- they are two teenage sisters that always come together) are coming over tomorrow night.

Ds: Awesome! Where are you going?

Me: Out to dinner with a friend.

Ds: A date?

Me: Actually, yes... a date.

Ds: What's a date?

Me: It is when two adults get together for some adult time.

Ds: Oh... like when you and S (my x-bf) would go to the movies and stuff?

Me: Yep, that is exactly it.

Ds: Who are you going with?

Me: Well, actually, his name is S... just like S. (Mr. Single Dad has the same bloody name as my x-bf!!!).

Ds: But, it's not S (x-bf).

Me: Nope.

Ds: Ok. (long pause) Are you going to wear a dress and earrings?

Me: Maybe, why?

Ds: Because you look beautiful when you wear a dress and earrings.

As for Mr. Single Dad... he emailed me last night about confirming our date for Friday, as he knows "how difficult it can be to find a babysitter." We emailed some more details today.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow night. It should be fun! And, yes, I will be wearing a dress and earrings.
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Old 01-15-2010, 01:51 AM
 
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I may have gotten a bit carried away myself with contacting guys on match! I think I've got 4 or 5 conversations going on right now, and frankly, the guys are starting to blend. I have a tentative coffee date scheduled for Sunday. There are two other guys I'm supposed to call, and another has asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee or drink. Phew. I'm going to have to find a few more hours in the day, or perhaps just take it a bit slower.
OMG, I remember doing this with just 2 guys and being completely wiped out! Heaven help you with 4-5!!!

It is hard to keep all the information straight and maintain the communication.

Good luck!!!
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Old 01-15-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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Holland- Hope you have a great date! Single dad sounds like a wonderful and thoughtful guy!!

Butterfly- I hope you find some peace, I'm not going to give you advice that I don't follow myself! I agree Santa is lucky to have you! Let him persue you a bit more! Maybe he is just not a phone guy? Like another poster said he see's it as a business tool only? Try to take a step back, focus on the other things you've got going on in life! I know easier said than done

Rosehip- Gosh I get confused with 2 guys to chat with! Can't imagine 4 or 5. That's awesome though and hope at least one of them turns into something good!!

Seie- The manager sounds like a good catch. Hope your schedules match up soon so you can meet him in person!

Nothing to report here, heard from mudpuppy on Wednesday. He said he's been busy. I suggested we try to meet in person and he agreed but haven't heard back from him. I'm not really invested in him so if we don't meet up that's ok. Despite all your advise to not contact the neighbour, we've been in contact He's going to help me put some locks on the doors. Just have to find a day when he's not working. I know not a date by any streach but it's still time we can talk. My best friend is coming up tonight and she's gonna slap some sense into me!
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Old 01-15-2010, 12:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holland73, I can't wait to hear about it.

I can't believe that I don't have a single confirmed, concrete date on the horizon. : Nothing. Yes, you ladies are right. Sit back and let him pursue me. But then again the voice in my mind is screaming, "No! If I can't do the I'm-very-into-you-and-showing-it thing and have him reciprocate it equally, back, then I just don't want to play. " I want to take my toys and go home. Or I'm almost to that point. I hate wondering. I hate games.
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Old 01-15-2010, 04:36 PM
 
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but…. he’s been logging into his online dating site account multiple times per day. I only get one longer email or a couple of shorter emails per day, and sometimes he writes back to a longer email of mine saying he’ll reply later that night when he has more time, and he never does. But I can see he was on his dating site account before he went to sleep and first thing when he woke up. What’s up with that? I deleted my account and set up a sham profile just to watch this guy’s actions. So his reason for checking his profile and mailbox can’t possibly be the same as mine.
Ugh. This is such a tricky-icky thing, and imo is one of the worst things about online dating -- sooooo hard to resist. FWIW, ATG and I had some weirdness late last week (he slept over at my house, didnt' sleep b/c of my 2 yr old, the next day we agreed to step back/slow down for several weeks, but then I unexpectedly had sat night free from kids and spent an amazing night at his place...he was then pretty quiet in the early part of the week, leaving me feeling very confused), and on a hunch, I checked his online profile -- the local site we use allows me to check his activity without signing into my account -- his profile was/is still down, but he signed in more than once a day all week, meaning that he is corresponding, via the site, with someone who he had made contact with when his profile was live, before he and I met -- could be someone contacted him and he responded, or vice versa. I managed to resist saying anything to him about it and this is why I felt like I should resist: We met in that online forum. If we had met in a bar, would I expect that now that now, after only 8-9 weeks of dating, he would no longer ever go to that bar without me? Would I expect that he would never sit at the bar, notice pretty women, even smile at them, engage in some small talk, idle flirting? No, I wouldn't. He'd be doing *exactly* what we encourage each other to do -- keep our options open, have a few other "potentials" on the horizon, keep ourselves from falling in too hard.

And...I may be back later, all puzzled and sad, but after yesterday/last night/this morning, I am pretty sure that is what ATG was doing -- trying to diffuse himself, in case things were about to blow up with us. We had an *amazing* time together in the last 24 hrs -- we spent about 90 min hanging out at a little bar having a beer in the afternoon, and then I left to go pick up all my kids from daycare, which takes about an hour, so he told me he'd be at my place in about 1.5 hrs. Instead, after I left, he went straight to my house, filled up my wood ring, stoked my fire, and washed my dishes.

We then fixed dinner for the kids, played board games and read with them, he "wrestled" with my boys, which they love....all so very very sweet, they all really enjoy each other. After I put the kids to bed, he and I had dinner, whilst sipping (and trying not to gulp) some very delicious whiskey.

The evening went on... he spent the night. He and I fell asleep in the spare room, together, and then when my littlest woke up, I went and slept in my bed with him, and ATG slept alone in the other room. This seemed to work fine and he woke up, not grouchy, and hung out for a few hours this am before he had to leave to go home and get ready for work.

I'm just all. At one point last night, when we were kissing/dancing around the kitchen, while dinner cooked, he said "Is it really this simple? Can it really be this easy?" And I don't know it's hard to know if we were talking about the same thing, but gosh, I hope so, and I sure hope it really can be this easy!

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Originally Posted by Seie View Post
We have discussed our first date but are having problems finding a time when we are both available. But actually - I am feeling quite good about him/it. Starting to actually look forward to that date. That is a positive right? A few days ago I was starting to get cold feet and wonder what the h*** I was doing already. But well- I am actually curious to meet him.. ETA pic in private

Seie! Yay! And he *is* very attractive!

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I may have gotten a bit carried away myself with contacting guys on match! I think I've got 4 or 5 conversations going on right now, and frankly, the guys are starting to blend. I have a tentative coffee date scheduled for Sunday. There are two other guys I'm supposed to call, and another has asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee or drink. Phew. I'm going to have to find a few more hours in the day, or perhaps just take it a bit slower.
I've done this too! It is overwhelming, but a few quick coffee dates should pare them down pretty quickly!

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Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
As for Mr. Single Dad... he emailed me last night about confirming our date for Friday, as he knows "how difficult it can be to find a babysitter." We emailed some more details today.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow night. It should be fun! And, yes, I will be wearing a dress and earrings.

I am excited to hear about this! And your ds is

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[

Nothing to report here, heard from mudpuppy on Wednesday. He said he's been busy. I suggested we try to meet in person and he agreed but haven't heard back from him. I'm not really invested in him so if we don't meet up that's ok. Despite all your advise to not contact the neighbour, we've been in contact He's going to help me put some locks on the doors. Just have to find a day when he's not working. I know not a date by any streach but it's still time we can talk. My best friend is coming up tonight and she's gonna slap some sense into me!
Well, no use in throwing the baby out with the bathwater, is there? He's your neighbor, he's willing to help you fix things? Just keep your head, and you'll be fine! And keep us posted on mudpuppy....


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Holland73, I can't wait to hear about it.

I can't believe that I don't have a single confirmed, concrete date on the horizon. : Nothing. Yes, you ladies are right. Sit back and let him pursue me. But then again the voice in my mind is screaming, "No! If I can't do the I'm-very-into-you-and-showing-it thing and have him reciprocate it equally, back, then I just don't want to play. " I want to take my toys and go home. Or I'm almost to that point. I hate wondering. I hate games.

I know, I know, sweetie, BELIEVE me I know. I also know that that is just a self-defense mechanism, to keep yourself from being hurt. Let it play out. At least through one more in person time together. Give him a chance to show you how much he likes you, and in the meantime, follow all the advice here about keeping yourself busy, and focusing on if HE is truly perfect for YOU. (((Hugs honey)))) I KNOW how hard it is, and if I'd responded to this yesterday, before I saw ATG, my response here would probably be much more gloomy, I know how hard it is to be WONDERING wth is going on in a man's mind!!
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Old 01-15-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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Ugh. This is such a tricky-icky thing, and imo is one of the worst things about online dating -- sooooo hard to resist. FWIW, ATG and I had some weirdness late last week (he slept over at my house, didnt' sleep b/c of my 2 yr old, the next day we agreed to step back/slow down for several weeks, but then I unexpectedly had sat night free from kids and spent an amazing night at his place...he was then pretty quiet in the early part of the week, leaving me feeling very confused), and on a hunch, I checked his online profile -- the local site we use allows me to check his activity without signing into my account -- his profile was/is still down, but he signed in more than once a day all week, meaning that he is corresponding, via the site, with someone who he had made contact with when his profile was live, before he and I met -- could be someone contacted him and he responded, or vice versa. I managed to resist saying anything to him about it and this is why I felt like I should resist: We met in that online forum. If we had met in a bar, would I expect that now that now, after only 8-9 weeks of dating, he would no longer ever go to that bar without me? Would I expect that he would never sit at the bar, notice pretty women, even smile at them, engage in some small talk, idle flirting? No, I wouldn't. He'd be doing *exactly* what we encourage each other to do -- keep our options open, have a few other "potentials" on the horizon, keep ourselves from falling in too hard.
The bar and dating forum analogy doesn't work for me.

I often enjoy going to a bar to JUST hang out with friends... not flirt with or pick up men.

But, when I go onto a dating site, my ONLY goal is to meet men. Ykwim?

BUT... if you both are in agreement with the 'terms' of your relationship, such as keeping your options open, having a few other 'potentials' on the horizon... then I would feel exactly as you do.

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And...I may be back later, all puzzled and sad, but after yesterday/last night/this morning, I am pretty sure that is what ATG was doing -- trying to diffuse himself, in case things were about to blow up with us. We had an *amazing* time together in the last 24 hrs -- we spent about 90 min hanging out at a little bar having a beer in the afternoon, and then I left to go pick up all my kids from daycare, which takes about an hour, so he told me he'd be at my place in about 1.5 hrs. Instead, after I left, he went straight to my house, filled up my wood ring, stoked my fire, and washed my dishes.

We then fixed dinner for the kids, played board games and read with them, he "wrestled" with my boys, which they love....all so very very sweet, they all really enjoy each other. After I put the kids to bed, he and I had dinner, whilst sipping (and trying not to gulp) some very delicious whiskey.

The evening went on... he spent the night. He and I fell asleep in the spare room, together, and then when my littlest woke up, I went and slept in my bed with him, and ATG slept alone in the other room. This seemed to work fine and he woke up, not grouchy, and hung out for a few hours this am before he had to leave to go home and get ready for work.

I'm just all. At one point last night, when we were kissing/dancing around the kitchen, while dinner cooked, he said "Is it really this simple? Can it really be this easy?" And I don't know it's hard to know if we were talking about the same thing, but gosh, I hope so, and I sure hope it really can be this easy!

You are a far stronger woman than I am!

There is no way I could have the 'terms' you have with ATG, yet have him so integrated and involved in my home life at the same time. I cannot imagine allowing man to be so integrated and involved in my home life... WITHOUT any kind of exclusivity 'terms.' That would be just too hard for me. emotionally speaking. So, my hats off to you, girl!!!
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Old 01-15-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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Butterfly: You have met once and already he can't keep promises he makes to you? A simple thing like getting back to you later in the day shouldn't be so hard to do. Niether should telling you whether he wants to meet up again and when. I hate to be the downer here, but you are investing yourself in this so much and believing all the excuses about him wont make it easier to move on. Ok it may shine through here that I am not very impressed with this guy. So he is rich and cool and good looking and he has social skills. That doesnt make him a good person necessarily. The environment these people move in is HARD and you need to be somewhat tough to just survive in that world. But you also need to be able to charm the right people and make the right friends. You don't get to the position in life that that guy is in without using your elbows. I am sure he is intelligent and talented and I am also sure he can be really charming and sweet. But personally I think it sounds like he is already playing you. And you really don't deserve that. Am I being too harsh? Possibly. But I am concerned for you Right now you are signalling to him, that not keeping promises to you is ok, and putting you on hold until it suits him to get back to you is ok too. It's not. Nomatter how cool, rich and handsome he is. You deserve the best girl. Believe it!

Date with the Manager will be in two weeks from now. TWO weeks. That is a long time...

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Old 01-15-2010, 09:57 PM
 
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The bar and dating forum analogy doesn't work for me.

I often enjoy going to a bar to JUST hang out with friends... not flirt with or pick up men.

But, when I go onto a dating site, my ONLY goal is to meet men. Ykwim?

BUT... if you both are in agreement with the 'terms' of your relationship, such as keeping your options open, having a few other 'potentials' on the horizon... then I would feel exactly as you do.



You are a far stronger woman than I am!

There is no way I could have the 'terms' you have with ATG, yet have him so integrated and involved in my home life at the same time. I cannot imagine allowing man to be so integrated and involved in my home life... WITHOUT any kind of exclusivity 'terms.' That would be just too hard for me. emotionally speaking. So, my hats off to you, girl!!!
Hmmm....

This gave me some stuff to think about. ATG and I have *not* had an explicit conversation about our 'terms'. We had that weirdness last week, and *I* sent him an email saying, maybe we should take a break until March (the reasons for saying March are complicated, but made sense to ATG, given some other stuff going on in each of our lives). Now if one of us girls got an email like that, came on here freaking out, wouldn't we encourage her to her to expand her potentials, keep busy, etc?

I think we would. And as far as I can tell, that is really what he was doing. On the site we use, you can have your profile down, but still correspond with people you have corresponded with in the past, without paying. So whether he re-contacted someone, or if it was coincidental that someone recontacted him right when this was happening, I don't know. And I didnt' *like* it, but I didn't feel like it was out of bounds.

And then, yesterday, he definitely UPPED his level of involvement, integration into my life and kids. Given that the kids were basically the sticking point to our slow-down, I feel strongly that it was a (non verbal) way to demonstrate that he is willing to engage with me, and my family, at my pace...

All that said, yes, an explicit conversation is definitely in order. It was on my agenda for last night, for sure, but given that he was doing *everything* else so right, I decided to let it alone for the night, let his actions speak for themselves and all that. And the things he did say were all very much in line with his actions...

But yeah, if he is back on the site (more than once or twice, which I think would be reasonable if he is, potentially ending an email correspondence) at this point, I'll take issue with that.

Am I making sense, or do I sound like a smitten woman who is fooling herself? Be honest, girls!
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Old 01-15-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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All that said, yes, an explicit conversation is definitely in order. It was on my agenda for last night, for sure, but given that he was doing *everything* else so right, I decided to let it alone for the night, let his actions speak for themselves and all that. And the things he did say were all very much in line with his actions...

But yeah, if he is back on the site (more than once or twice, which I think would be reasonable if he is, potentially ending an email correspondence) at this point, I'll take issue with that.

Am I making sense, or do I sound like a smitten woman who is fooling herself? Be honest, girls!
No, I do not think you are fooling yourself... at all! I just think that perhaps the time has come for an explicit and honest conversation about the relationship and what you are both wanting. At least, I know I would be wanting this conversation.

Additionally, I believe that a man's actions (or lack of actions) say SIGNIFICANTLY more than his words. ATG's actions are awesome and VERY promising, heck even I would be smitten with such actions. BUT... I would also want to know that we are both on the same path, in regards to the direction of the relationship, in addition to exclusivity.
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Old 01-16-2010, 05:06 AM
 
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OMG, just got home from my date and all I can say is:

It was fabulous!!!

Seriously, he brought me a little plant when he picked me up. We went to a great little Italian restaurant for dinner. Afterwards, we went to a little tea shop and had some chai. The conversation flowed so easily and naturally. I felt so relaxed and free to be me. I didn't feel like I had to hold back anything, but I also didn't feel like I needed to divulge everything either. kwim?

He was attentive, inquisitive, open and a total gentleman. He even walked me to my apt. door... but, not until after some fun G-rated kissin' in his car.

It was just an all-around great date with a great guy.
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Old 01-17-2010, 09:30 AM
 
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Holland: Your date sounds great! Im excited for you

Sugarmoon: Keep judging him by his actions. I don't think you are fooling yourself. I don't think it is great to check on him like that, but on the other hand he should know that his actions on the dating site are somewhat public. I don't know. Just - be careful still Going from having no kids to a possible future as a stepdad of a bunch is - well it takes quite the man. It's probably too much to ask that he really understands how big it is considering he doesn't have kids of his own yet. I think you are wise not to rush or push him if you are looking for things to last long term. Sounds like you are in a vulnerable position, but you don't get love in your life without being willing to go there kwim. You probably have more to loose than him considering you are bringing your kids into this too, but noone knows tomorrow so.. Stay aware and enjoy his commitment. I think you are doing great so far.

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Old 01-17-2010, 01:23 PM
 
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Butterfly: Was I being rude or something? I really didn't mean to, but wonder if I wasn't being quite fair? Or a bit of a bitter old broken hearted lady? I do admit to having lost some faith in male kind. Didn't mean to take that out on you Sorry You are a great woman with so much to give! How are you doing? Any news from him at all?

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Old 01-17-2010, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seie, no you weren't rude.

Sigh. He's logging on multiple times per day but no word in my direction for 48 hours.

Sigh.

Local guy (second lawyer-my-age this winter) I was supposed to go on a date with Sunday which turned into thursday which turned into weekend has not contacted all said weekend and now it's 8 days past the day we were supposed to meet... : why do this? Why strike up an online connection, discuss meeting, be all hot-and-heavy via email/phone, then never meet. Like soothing southerner. Except not feeling soothed. Not feeling any local lawyers these days either.



The CEO and the Chairman of the board of the company that bought out the one that is supposedly going to offer me work, are both into me. And both pushing hard a private connection with me, and dangling business-networking-connections + more in exchange for more personal getting-to-know-you stuff. Trust me, if you are imagining the worst from what I just said, you are dead on. The chairman is even married. :Puke: We were out after a 2010 kickoff meeting, as a business group, and the married one pulled me close on the dance floor, pushed his excitement against my hip and grazed his cheek against mine. I froze in horror, and luckily was saved by the bell, as the lights came on and the nightclub closed and I fled home.

Rich men, these days, are targeting me as a easy piece of ass to buy. :

Being vivacious and sexy can sometimes backfire.
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Old 01-18-2010, 12:53 AM
 
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Oh Butterfly - I'm sorry for your crummy past week or so...

Holland - awesome!! Any updates since then?

Sugarmoon - I don't think you're fooling yourself. I think that given that there are not clear parameters, he's not doing anything egregious. But, I know that for me, if I had a guy who was that involved with my kids/family, I would *want* it to be a clearly exclusive, committed relationship that was heading toward permanency. So that might be a hard position to be in.

As for me, I met a guy from okcupid tonight. We met "for a drink" and it ended up being 3 hours. GREAT conversation - somewhat similar politics, he's well-read and generally interesting to me. He seems pretty fun and friendly. I liked spending time with him. But I'm not sure there's any attraction on my part at all. He suggested a second date (and a really great, creative idea - a trip to this very cool sounding sculpture garden that has a neat restaurant attached to it) and I said I'd like to. We had a very brief peck - it was fine. I just don't feel any fireworks, and he's definitely on the upper edge of my age range...What do you think? Give it one more go to see?
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Old 01-18-2010, 06:05 AM
 
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Roseship: Yep - I would give it one more go

Butterfly You are right to not mix business and pleasure. It will backfire eventually. Sorry that is what they were hoping to gain rather than a good employee
I wonder - the dating sites you use to meet local guys - are the profiles in finnish? Cause if not maybe we could help with feedback on your next date?

LL updated his fb profile - and he hardly EVER does that. I think he never did the entire time I was with him, but yesterday he had a status that read: "I'm a rich man trapped in a poor mans body". That REALLY upset me, as that is such a typical thing of him to do - talk about how great life is and how lucky he is and blah blah blah when really when you get to know him he doesnt have anyone up close at all except possibly his parents and siblings. No close friends - not his kids. Noone. So he gets rid of me and he feels rich? I really feel like getting in touch and asking some questions I know I would probably be better off cutting contact alltogether - including removing him from my fb friends list, but I am really not ready to do that yet :cry It sucks.

Cut down contact a bit with the Manager. Date is set up but still almost two weeks to go and I think we both feel a bit silly to do a whole lot of heavy letter-writing and chatting when we haven't even met up to see if there is a thing going or not. I did write him a short message yesterday about my weekend and he replied telling me about his weekend with his kids and what they had been doing, and said he enjoyed getting little messages from me So still positive about him/it And looking forward to date!
I am not initiating contact with more men at this point. I don't feel honest having more things going on at the same time and wouldnt really appreciate a guy doing that either so. One guy with serious contact at a time. And looking at my online dating history so far: I have only ever met up with two guys that i met online. The first one was the father of my children - the other was LL! Scary stats!

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Old 01-18-2010, 01:17 PM
 
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It's been a while since I posted anything. The last guy I dated ended up being a psycho hose beast. *sighs*

So, anyways. Here goes.

In September of last year, I started a new job. It was closer, 40 hours, day shift, PAID benefits. It was most awesome. But also in September, things started to fall apart. My grandfather died, my son became ill and just numerous other things here and there.

The last thing I expected was for my job to be understanding. Even less expected finding SOMEONE who was understanding about it all. When I got the phone call that my son might have cancer, my boss came in and held me for the good fifteen minutes before I got it all together again.
That's totally not where it started though. It was during those rainy days at work (at a car wash, means NO business) where we would just clean stuff up and chat or listen to the music on my phone. Talk about our kids (he has two kiddoes) and talk about the dangers of dating. (Psycho hose beasts...)

I tried so hard to ignore it. He was my boss and that is just never a good idea. But one day after work, I drove to the 7-11 nearby. I was getting a Monster or something and the next thing I know there is a hand on my shoulder and someone saying, "My timing couldn't be more perfect." I turned around and saw him and immediately had to hide my face (I was blushing). We talked outside by my car for a few minutes and then we were both like, "Yeah, have kids, need to leave." I turned towards my car and started to open the door when he took my hand, turned me back around and kissed me smack on the lips. It was one of those kisses that knocks the wind out of you and your knees give out. (Yeah, he had to hold me up.) It was a good two months of tension built up into one kiss.

We've been on two dates since. So far, it's going well. We don't get much time together because he has the kids when I am able to go out and vice versa. But the two dates we were on were amazing. It had been so long since I wanted to be with anyone that it's a very strange feeling for me. (The last time I wanted to be with anyone was two June's ago...and even then it was hard for me.) I thought a few times that I liked someone but the interest level died out quickly. But it's incredibly scary to feel this way too.

Single Mommy to DS born Halloween 2007.
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:26 PM
 
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Rosehip: Give it another go! You enjoyed spending time with him and he date suggestion would be really cool. Go with no expectations and just have fun!

mahna mahna: I am so sorry to hear about your son. I hope he is OK. Dating your boss can be a bit tricky. My xh and I worked for the same company, although eventually in different departments. We started when I was the office manager for his department. It was great, in regards to seeing him off and on throughout the day. It was REALLY hard when our relationship started to go south. So, I cannot imagine how it would have gone if he was my boss!!! Just be careful!!!

My update:

Mr. Single Dad came over last night for a movie, although we only ended up watching about 10 minutes of the movie. He was here until almost 2am! I cannot put into words the "wow" factor with him. It is just so easy to be me... all of me, with him. He gets it... the kid thing, my views on life and relationships, my wants/needs, etc. We have so much in common in so many different areas of our life; movies, TV, music, views, etc. He is affectionate in ways I could never imagine, wonderfully complimentary and just so appreciative of me and who I am!!! We can laugh so easily together.

Regardless of what may or may not happen between us, I know -- deep in my heart -- I am getting so damn close to finding what I want!!!

I just feel so healthy and balanced with him AND when he is not around. The insecurity is NOT there. I don't worry about whether he will call or not. I don't glob onto every single word he says and read more into those words, which is exactly what I used to do. The intensity I am feeling, doesn't feel too intense. It doesn't feel overwhelming or like I am losing sight of objectivity or at risk of desperation.

Sorry... this is all just very strange and new for me. I cannot put it properly or coherently into words.

I don't know... he is just amazingly yummy!!!
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mahna_mahna, wow! great news! I hope your son is ok.

Holland73, this sounds absolutely rockin', too!
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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Mahna-mahna: Wow - i am jealous of that kiss! I hope things work out for you two. Have you talked with him about the fact that he is your boss and in that position he does have power over you. I mean - if things go wrong between you, likely you would be the one who would have to leave. I hope that won't be a problem though. If he is a decent, mature guy he should know how to handle such a situation in a good way too.

Holland: Your single dad sounds lovely I do find it a bit funny that you were the one very determined not to find a single dad! Hehe..

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Old 01-18-2010, 11:02 PM
 
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I do find it a bit funny that you were the one very determined not to find a single dad! Hehe..
Yeah, me too!

Never say never, huh?
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Old 01-19-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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Mahna - sounds exciting! I would just proceed with caution, given the work situation

Holland - It sounds like Single Dad is great, but better yet, you're in a great place! I hope it evolves into something really terrific.

A question for anyone - how do you handle telling someone, after one, or a few dates, that you're just not feeling it? I'm not there right now, but wondering how people do that, since it's been SO long! Things have kind of petered and are at a nice friendship/flirtation with squash partner as it looks more & more certain that he'll be moving. I'm going to give last night's date another go, but I'm thinking he may not be for me...
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Old 01-19-2010, 01:14 AM
 
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A question for anyone - how do you handle telling someone, after one, or a few dates, that you're just not feeling it? I'm not there right now, but wondering how people do that, since it's been SO long! Things have kind of petered and are at a nice friendship/flirtation with squash partner as it looks more & more certain that he'll be moving. I'm going to give last night's date another go, but I'm thinking he may not be for me...
Honestly, I tell them how I would want to be told... straight up, honest and with class.

So, basically, I have said, "You know, I think you are a great guy, but I am just not feeling the kind of connection with you that I am looking for. I have really enjoyed your time together, though."
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:39 AM
 
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You ladies are one REALLY busy bunch I keep trying to jump in and vent, cry, etc. but by the time I try to read thru the threads and catch up my time online is cut short...... by my wonderful daughter or my bed begging me to come to sleep!

Rosehip ~ I agree with Holland that being sensitive but very straight forward and honest would be my approach as well as the approch I would want toward me if a guy were to feel that way about me.

Holland ~ How did you end up with a single dad???? Boy I missed that one and you were one of only a handful that truly understood my views on they why I don't seek them out. That said I am happy you found him and that you are in a happy place!

mahna mahna ~ I hope your son will be okay! And good luck with your boss it sounds wonderful and I too and loving the kiss but it seems your job is the glue holding you together so I would at least proceed with caution because you never know how things will turn out if you and your boss don't work out.

Seie ~ I am exciting about your upcomig date. Not because of him but because you are willing to go...... now your ex and his dating profile is too funny and also kinda sad. I think his profile transulates to him not being complete on his own, or that there is something missing blocking his happiness (and not a women per se) but more a desperation that is not attractive, at least not to me. I too would be tempted to give some response but I would not want to potential hurt down the line so just look away.....

Butterfly ~ Can we be in the club of loving and hating men at the same time? I honestly don't get why you have not found a keeper..... wish we could look over eachother's playbooks to see where we keep missing the mark or allowing the mark to miss us. (((hugs)))

Sugarmoon ~ I thought you were in an exclusive relationship? Tell that man to "put a ring on it" just kidding but I did think you two were serious. Yes I do feel you have a right to hear it, know it and be able to claim it.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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