I am posting under a new username since things are not final with my STBX. Short history, he wants the divorce and I DON'T and we have 2 littles together under 4yrs, one still nursing like crazy! So I am just so sad and angry, all I feel like doing is CRYING CRYING CRYING and amongst all this I have to sell my house and wait wait wait wait for custody and all the ins and outs of the parenting plan to get sorted out. I am actually getting REALLY sick from the stress and anxiety. I am not sure how to "cure" myself it has gotten really out of control. Just the waiting and still having him around the house EVERYDAY is causing my body to go haywire. (I am still cooking dinner for the whole family, he is around all weekend, AND he had the whole week of Christmas off so he we here then also.)
It is like the emotional stress has caused my body to short circuit, for a week (the week he had vacation and was here all the time) I had uncontrollable hives that moved around my body (hips, under my breasts, belly, in my hair) they were really bad and not to mention the itching was really awful and kept me from sleeping which I know only made things worse. Now for a full 24hrs my blood pressure plummeted (this happens about once every few years when I over do it so that is why I recognize the symptoms) and I am just starting to feel like myself again right now. I naturally have really low blood pressure (90/60 max) but it went down to (78/45, with a resting heart rate of 81beats/min) and I could NOT lift my head off the pillow, luckily my mom was here to help out with the kids during the night since when I actually made it down the stairs I ended up throwing up everywhere. I has been a rough 24hrs!
I just don't know what is next, I cant keep going like this with him coming home every night acting like NOTHING is wrong when the kids are around and then being short tempered with me when ever they are not looking. With me feeling so ill today and he coming home 3hrs early from work UNEXPECTEDLY I really lost it, I though I had a few more hours before he would walk in the door but there he was EARLY and mad at me for not being HAPPY that he was home. I gave him the cold shoulder since I just wanted to get up and RUN away crying, I just was not ready to face him yet. Now he is MAD at me for being "rude" to him all day and then for asking him to call and just tell me if his plans change so I can know when he will be arriving, I just need a few mins to pull myself together before he walks in. He took it as me "kicking him out of the house", it seems like everything is about him. AHHH
My emotions just cant take any more surprises ESPECIALLY on NEW YEARS EVE, a day when you are suppose to be celebrating with your husband and family and looking to planning your future.Any ideas how to get my body to stop freaking out (hives, low blood pressure)?
I am trying to take care of myself but I am just SO devastated over this loss. It is like every time I have to interact with him it feels like I am talking to a dead man walking, just waiting for the "real death" to occur. Not to mention that he wants TONS of custody and I know if he had his way I would be the one with very limited visitation. As my lawyer put it "he wants to be MR Mom". Luckily I am a GOOD mom and a stay at home one currently so he has no hope at this point of getting custody, he will have visitation and since he knows this he is MAD and it feels like he is trying to take out his anger on me. I just feel like I am watching a train wreck, it is SO hard to keep the peace so that the custody and legal portion of the divorce goes as well as possible while also trying to keep myself healthy.