My body is going "HAYWIRE" help - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 12-31-2009, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi Mamas,
I am posting under a new username since things are not final with my STBX. Short history, he wants the divorce and I DON'T and we have 2 littles together under 4yrs, one still nursing like crazy! So I am just so sad and angry, all I feel like doing is CRYING CRYING CRYING and amongst all this I have to sell my house and wait wait wait wait for custody and all the ins and outs of the parenting plan to get sorted out. I am actually getting REALLY sick from the stress and anxiety. I am not sure how to "cure" myself it has gotten really out of control. Just the waiting and still having him around the house EVERYDAY is causing my body to go haywire. (I am still cooking dinner for the whole family, he is around all weekend, AND he had the whole week of Christmas off so he we here then also.)

It is like the emotional stress has caused my body to short circuit, for a week (the week he had vacation and was here all the time) I had uncontrollable hives that moved around my body (hips, under my breasts, belly, in my hair) they were really bad and not to mention the itching was really awful and kept me from sleeping which I know only made things worse. Now for a full 24hrs my blood pressure plummeted (this happens about once every few years when I over do it so that is why I recognize the symptoms) and I am just starting to feel like myself again right now. I naturally have really low blood pressure (90/60 max) but it went down to (78/45, with a resting heart rate of 81beats/min) and I could NOT lift my head off the pillow, luckily my mom was here to help out with the kids during the night since when I actually made it down the stairs I ended up throwing up everywhere. I has been a rough 24hrs!

I just don't know what is next, I cant keep going like this with him coming home every night acting like NOTHING is wrong when the kids are around and then being short tempered with me when ever they are not looking. With me feeling so ill today and he coming home 3hrs early from work UNEXPECTEDLY I really lost it, I though I had a few more hours before he would walk in the door but there he was EARLY and mad at me for not being HAPPY that he was home. I gave him the cold shoulder since I just wanted to get up and RUN away crying, I just was not ready to face him yet. Now he is MAD at me for being "rude" to him all day and then for asking him to call and just tell me if his plans change so I can know when he will be arriving, I just need a few mins to pull myself together before he walks in. He took it as me "kicking him out of the house", it seems like everything is about him. AHHH My emotions just cant take any more surprises ESPECIALLY on NEW YEARS EVE, a day when you are suppose to be celebrating with your husband and family and looking to planning your future.

Any ideas how to get my body to stop freaking out (hives, low blood pressure)? I am trying to take care of myself but I am just SO devastated over this loss. It is like every time I have to interact with him it feels like I am talking to a dead man walking, just waiting for the "real death" to occur. Not to mention that he wants TONS of custody and I know if he had his way I would be the one with very limited visitation. As my lawyer put it "he wants to be MR Mom". Luckily I am a GOOD mom and a stay at home one currently so he has no hope at this point of getting custody, he will have visitation and since he knows this he is MAD and it feels like he is trying to take out his anger on me. I just feel like I am watching a train wreck, it is SO hard to keep the peace so that the custody and legal portion of the divorce goes as well as possible while also trying to keep myself healthy. Any ideas?
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#2 of 9 Old 12-31-2009, 08:53 PM
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation: I was willing to work on the relationship, but DH loves someone else...

If you have access to Acupuncture/traditional chinese medicine, that may be of some help grounding and stabilizing your stress and emotions to help bring you back to a physical equilibrium. It is a very holistic modality, and it worked wonders for me back when I could afford regular care!

Sorry for what you are going through.
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#3 of 9 Old 12-31-2009, 09:57 PM
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I just wanted to send you HUGS -- it sounds brutal. I lived with my stbx for 6 months after he declared it over and 9 months from when he first uttered divorce. It was really rough, but I just focused on the kids and taking care of MY business. I was all about making sure everything financial, legal, etc. was in order. I got into grad school and started job hunting.

This helped me cope with the incredible grief over a way of life with my children which was being undone.

So, that's my perspective -- do all the intellectual work you can; make plans for the future; read good books, both for pleasure and for guidance negotiating this painful transition.

If you can, get the kids in a jogging stroller and go for long healthy walks. Or when your mom can watch them go swimming at a rec center. If you can afford it, get a massage. And see a therapist!!! You need all the support you can get. Also, of course, go talk with your Dr. about that blood pressure!!!

God bless!

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#4 of 9 Old 12-31-2009, 11:29 PM
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Darling mama, hugs to you. I relate: I, too, have been under *incredible* stress from this divorce and other events surrounding it and I, too, have been covered in hives--never before have I had so physical a reaction to something going on in my inner life!

But I will say this to you: IT WILL PASS. Right now, at the worst of it, you can't imagine that. You can't imagine every feeling whole again. You can't imagine not feeling so broken, fragile, grief-stricken. IT WILL PASS. You are GOING to heal from this. It is a fact. It's going to take some time, but IT WILL HAPPEN. Start by trusting that fact.

Then: know that although uncomfortable (the itching, especially, I mean--I don't know the risks of the low blood pressure, sorry!), the itching, too, will pass. It sucks but don't worry about it. Because it sounds like on top of worrying about everything that's going on with you (and good god it's a LOT), you are also worrying about your physical state. How about don't worry about it? It's not making things better for you and it could be making things worse. How about say, "Okay, I'm really upset and I'm actually physically suffering for it but I know that it will pass and I will survive. These hives aren't going to kill me and they are GOING to go away so for now I'm going to make peace with them."

I don't at all mean that you shouldn't worry about yourself physically or be wanting and needing to take care of yourself (because of course you should) but what you say reminds me a bit of an anxiety problem that I suffered from for a long time. I would worry, but then I would worry about the worrying: "Why am I so worried? Why is it making me sick like this? What is wrong with me?" I realized that I could just let go of the worrying about worrying and that just gave me less to, well, worry about! And maybe you can do the same with your physical stuff. Take care of yourself, see a doctor, do whatever you can to reduce your stress, but also just ACCEPT that you are going to be pretty stressed out for a while and know that it's okay, and that your body is going to be okay.

And once again: it WILL be okay. I promise.

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#5 of 9 Old 01-01-2010, 02:26 PM
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I think you need to put some boundaries in place. Like him in another part of the house, separate sleeping quarters and speaking respectfully to you o whether the kids are present or not. I would call him out on it every da** time. "Speak respectfully to me while you are in this house or pack your stuff and leave now. I don't have to make it convenient and pleasant for you to break up our family and I refuse to be mistreated for one more minute."

I would also leave the house as often as you can when you know he is around. He needs to leave. If you can't get him out then you leave. You need good health for the sake of your kids. Ask your lawyer if being mistreated by a hostile spouse to the point of illness (get a doctor's note) is grounds to have the courts make him leave now.
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#6 of 9 Old 01-01-2010, 10:05 PM
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You know, I have had anxiety and panic attacks since my husband has told me he wanted a divorce. I had never had anything like it and I was totally freaked out that my body was reacting to stress in such physical ways. I have been on meds for a little over a year now and I am so thankful because I could have easily been hospitalized from exhaustion. My stbx is also passive aggressive and will not talk to me at all. It's so hard emotionally to spend 10 years with someone and have them just cut you off without an answer.

Just so you know your not alone....I would consider pampering yourself a little everyday. I have been giving myself weekly facials...which make me feel great and my skin is thankful. Also, yoga and exercises...

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
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#7 of 9 Old 01-01-2010, 10:19 PM
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Not being able to eat, anxiety and hair loss. ARGH... handfuls of hair falling out for months.
Stress can really mess you up. I am so sorry for you. I don't have anything helpful to offer... just know you aren't alone.
And I'm praying for all of us.
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#8 of 9 Old 01-01-2010, 10:37 PM
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sorry no advice, just didn't want to read and not respond.

Becky, sahm to angel.gif25/04/2000 Chloe 12/04/2002 Cameron 19/02/2004 Caitlin 28/06/2005 angel.gif24/07/2006 and Caden 14/03/2008

Xander 19/05/2011
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#9 of 9 Old 01-02-2010, 11:52 AM
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I feel for you; I have a friend in my town going through something very similar - she's divorcing but can't get her STBX out of the darn house, and when he's there he acts really controlling and he also acts happy as a clam to still be there... weirdly not acknowledging that it's AWKWARD and difficult to live together when you know you're divorcing!

Once you have some details ironed out and a light at the end of the tunnel, I think you'll feel better. Even though my ex moved out long before our actual divorce, I still was beyond anxious over all the details of visitation issues, etc. The more I thought about it, the worse it got, until I could barely keep perspective and it all seemed so unmanageable. Finally I broke down and asked my doctor for anxiety medication... I'd never been the "pill" type, but really, I needed to carry on, I have a young child! The first one they gave me made me feel lousy... turns out it was also an anti-depressant. It was really just the anxiety I couldn't deal with. So they gave me a milder one JUST for anxiety, and thank God. Didn't make me feel weird or spacey, didn't change the way I felt, just somehow took some of the "edge" off so everything didn't feel like a huge pile of horrible-ness. Basically, like I would have felt if things hadn't been piling up like that. Still stressed, definitely. But not curled into the fetal position.

Maybe that's not for you, and as you're nursing, I'm not sure how that would work. And natually, there are other routes to taking care of yourself... time for yourself, eating well, that are vital... I did that too! But after I got the medication I just wondered why NO one I knew in real life had ever recommended it to me, because when the stress is that intense it's nice to know the options.

But your blood pressure issue... I wouldn't fool around with that. At least go to the doctor and see what they say! And if your mom is around.... does she live nearby? Not that you wouldn't have thought of this already, but can you and your kids move in with her while you guys are sorting out the issues?

Oh and by the way, he may want to be Mr. Mom but it's highly unlikely, and add the fact that you're the primary caregiver - he can forget it. They all seem to threaten stuff like that at the beginning, even if they're never been that hands-on as parents. It's really weird, really disturbing that your former partner wants to hit you where it hurts most - your kids - and sadly it's really common. Just know it's not going to end up anything like he's threatening - he'll get visitation, yes, but even that can be planned out so that it gradually increases, which makes it way easier on everybody.
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