Why did that hurt me so bad? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 01-03-2010, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
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My 16 m/o and I live with my parents who are also her babysitters when I go to work part time. This morning she fell down and I ran over to comfort her and she pushed away from me and continued to run to my mom to be comforted and then was fine. I'm happy that she has so many people who love her and that she's comfortable with them but, lately she's been testing me and I feel like because I have to be the parent now she doesn't even like me and she's not eating or sleeping for me and I just want to like hit pause and figure out what's going on or get some sleep and straighten my life out so I can handle this. I don't know why I'm getting so upset about this.
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#2 of 7 Old 01-03-2010, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by alternativemomma View Post
My 16 m/o and I live with my parents who are also her babysitters when I go to work part time. This morning she fell down and I ran over to comfort her and she pushed away from me and continued to run to my mom to be comforted and then was fine.
I understand, this can hurt for sure.
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#3 of 7 Old 01-03-2010, 07:17 PM
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That really can hurt but it is comforting to know that she loves her grandparents. My boys used to do this with getting a snack or a drink or wanting something. My mom reminds them that I'm right here. My boys are older so it is a little easier to address.

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#4 of 7 Old 01-04-2010, 02:54 AM
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that would make me really sad. it is good your dd has such a close bond with your parents. still it would make me really sad. actually it would make me angry and resentful towards my parents even though they did not do anything. So avoid those feelings (even though they are totally natrual.)

instead I would ficus on building the bond with your dd. the bond she has with your parents is great. what can you do to improve your bond with her even while being the parent?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#5 of 7 Old 01-05-2010, 05:11 AM
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it is also v. age appropriate behaviour that some children do.

rejecting one parent for the other (in this case gparents) is pretty common.

but i am so sorry. it still hurts.

however dont take it personally. look upon it as your child growing up and trying to figure out life.

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#6 of 7 Old 01-05-2010, 09:47 AM
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I agree with the pp- your dd's reaction is totally age appropriate. When my youngest dd was that age, whoever got to her first to comfort her was "blamed" for the accident and she would reach from them to someone else for comfort. It was hurtful at first, but once we figured out that whoever got there first was going to be held responsible for the accident, it got kinda funny.

She is also getting to the age where she will see herself as a separate being from you and may just be testing boundaries to make sure that you will still be there no matter what and will love her no matter what. And as the mother of 3, I can tell you that those first steps towards independence never get any easier.

Try not to take it personally (easier said than done I know). Look at it as sign that you are doing a great job raising an independent, well-loved, secure child who trusts those around her. I had a friend who was a horrible mother and her ds would just sit on the floor and cry wherever he got hurt because he knew asking for comfort was pointless. She would just look at him and tell him he was okay and go on with her life, no kisses, no snuggles, no support. It broke my heart.

DD: I'm bored and want to play Me: What about me? I can play. DD: No thanks, I mean a real person.
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#7 of 7 Old 01-08-2010, 12:04 AM
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Ugh. I lived with my parents for a few months last year. And they are wonderful people and wonderful grandparents and my DS and I are very lucky. However, it was terrible for me. I completely hear you. I felt like my relationship with my DS was detiorating while I lived there. Even though my parents would back me when I set a limit, or said it was bedtime, or whatever, I was still the one who had to SET the limit and their support of, "Mommy said it's bed time" didn't really help the dynamic.
I felt like DS stopped listening to me and he always wanted them. They became the fun/play people, and I became the constant nagger... time to get dressed, time to brush your teeth, etc. Before we lived there, I felt like DS and I were a team, in this life adventure together.
Some of it is the age/stage they are going through too.

I was lucky and moved back on my own last Spring and things got much better pretty quickly.

Hang in there and know that your DD loves you and knows you are there for her. Here are a few ideas in case any of them sound like they might help:
-plan special you and her time a few times/week. Build it up as special event if it's just taking a walk, reading books together, going sledding, baking cookies, etc.
-If you think she's old enough to understand, make a sticker chart for some behaviors that are driving you nuts if she's not listening to you. I had to do that with getting dressed in the morning, because he would immediately run into my parents' room and climb in bed with them 1st thing and it was a nightmare trying to get him dressed and ready for the day. The sticker chart really helped. He got a sticker for "no fuss no muss" getting dressed 1st thing. And he was really proud of himself. I started using that for brushing teeth, etc. At her age, you don't even need a prize other than the sticker probably.
-If there's anything you can think of that your parents can do to help, talk to them calmly when your DD is sleeping or not around. If they are not backing you when you set a limit or something, ask them to support you.

I hope some of this helps! Everything goes in phases with little ones... this too shall pass. And at least she knows how much she is loved all around. What a gift.
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