How do you ladies do it?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 02-01-2010, 11:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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..because I can't seem to function over here I'm having a REALLY hard time. Today was a really rough day. I had an emotional breakdown, during which I was slapped across the face with the harsh reality that I'm alone here. I had no idea who I could call to help me, there's really nobody. I have no idea what I'm going to do. How I'm going to survive. I'm sorry if I'm being overly dramatic, but I truly feel this way. I am so depressed. Please tell me it's normal to feel this hopeless. And that it gets better.

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
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#2 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 12:45 AM
 
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Sweetie you need to be patient with yourself and give yourself some time to adjust. This is a new deal for you. It WILL get better. You will find your own routine and get your groove and then you will see improvements. It will also get better as your son gets older. You have a 1 year old, right? That's a tough age even for a married couple. One thing I did that helped was to really prioritize. Did the laundry REALLY have to be done TODAY? Could those dishes wait until the morning? etc... the important things to get done right now are taking care of you and taking care of DS. Other things that get done are gravy. Do you have any friends or family that live by you that can help? Are you involved with any faith or spirituality that you can find people to connect with who could help?

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#3 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 01:47 AM
 
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my situation got really bad almost a year ago. and it took me until NOW pretty much to finally get over the drowning, sinking, can't do this phase/ feelings.

now, i feel better. my kids have told me the past couple days that i look HAPPY! that i'm smiling from the minute i get up. and while i know it's not going to be easy, i've accepted this as my future, whatever it may hold for me. and *I* will make it good. not someone else, ME!!!

it's a journey. be gentle and patient with yourself. vent when you need to. come here, get it out. give yourself time to grieve. i cried everyday for weeks on end it seemed like. i cried till there was nothing more to cry about, no more tears to cry period. give yourself that time.

best advice i was given is "take it one day at a time." if you can do that, things won't seem so overwhelming. i know when i looked past the next day, i would have massive panic attacks. sooooo incredibly NOT helpful.

hugs momma!!!! people are here for you.
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#4 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 01:53 AM
 
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Just keep putting one foot out and taking a step. Even when it seems totally hopeless, it is not. Have you done anything like treasure mapping? I know it helped me to see that mental picture of where I was going, to believe that it was all going to fall into place someday, and to keep the faith in myself that I could do it.

I have so been where you are. It won't be this way forever, I promise.

Single mama to one active lil pill, aged 6. Getting my Masters in Counseling while playing as much Farmville as possible
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#5 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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: It does get better and it does get easier. One thing I didn't do when I became a single parent was take time for myself everyday. I highly suggest you do this, for me it's meant my sanity. I really needed to heal from everything that happened and I didn't take the time to feel what I was going through. I just went on auto pilot, I had a child to take care of. I went to a very dark place of loneness and sadness. I even went back to the ex for a bit which just sent me spiraling even further. Things are good now and I feel that I am on a really good path. The Universe has presented things to me accordingly, even if I didn't see it. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself, what you are going through is very hard.
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#6 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 10:17 PM
 
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yup i was exactly in your place. it took me over a year to get over that.

so it is a long process. i had serious panic attacks at night. at 110 degrees i would be in bed FROZEN cold with blankets over me.

for me what worked was giving into the fear and sadness.

then suddenly one day with the snap of the fingers overnight i realised (dont ask me how that happened) that hey i have been making it this past year, taking care of my dd. hey i was ok and so was my dd. and i slowly starting coming out of it.

this kind of sadness and fear is only overcome by life experience. my friends tried telling me exactly what i am telling you but i couldnt listen. i just couldnt imagine anyone could ever go out of that tormented place one was in.

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#7 of 22 Old 02-02-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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It has been over a year and most days are ok but some days I absolutely crumble. Either the emotional break down still lingering from him leaving and the conditions surrounding that and my complete hopelessness that I will ever be right again.....or the fact that I cannot handle all of this alone. I just can't.

but things do get a little better every day and the meltdowns pass faster each time.

s

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#8 of 22 Old 02-03-2010, 03:13 AM
 
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It absolutely gets better. Doing something...even something really small for yourself in a day can make a difference. It gets a little easier one step at a time. You're doing better than you realize.
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#9 of 22 Old 02-03-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Oh sweetie.

It gets better, it really does. Reach out to friends, family, co workers...if you know people who are single parents, or have been in the past (even if they've been remarried for quite a while now) they'll be great support, they remember how it feels to feel like you're drowning.

For many months I called my best friend, every single night, just to check in. I also had a friend who was daily email connection, every day (often multiple times a day). Those daily reminders of people who cared about me kept me afloat.

If you can't find people like that in real life, then come here. We'll be here for you

Go easy on yourself. Let things slide, anything that isn't absolutely necessary can wait. Take care of you, and your baby, and that's it.

Hang in there.
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#10 of 22 Old 02-05-2010, 02:28 AM
 
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i had this realization when i was filling out a form and realized i had no one to put as an emergency contact. no one. it's all fine and good for people to say 'aw, honey, you aren't alone', but sometimes people really are alone. it's hard. not impossible, but hard. sorry that this isn't more encouraging, just letting you know that there are others out there dealing with this, hoping that area improves soon.
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#11 of 22 Old 02-06-2010, 12:53 AM
 
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I can relate. I'm a single mom to one son who is 6 so although he is more self-sufficient and a great companion I am still at a loss- esp. at nights sometimes in seeing how I am going to do this...we unschool too so my income earning is very limited. I will echo the one day at a time...that's all we really have anyway. Try to do what you can today that is positive that will get you moving in right direction. I am pretty isolated here too. A few friends, but no one really gets it or knows what it's like to be a single mom. I am on my own with mostly kids for company 7 days a week and have been doing this for going on 2 years now and sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it much longer! But then I think of situations even more impossible then mine- a woman HIV + in Africa raising 10 kids...and I kick myself for feeling sorry for myself. We CAN do it...people have overcome a lot worse...
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#12 of 22 Old 02-06-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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You do it because you have to... no one else is going to come and do it for you. You go into survival mode... it DOES get easier... but it sucks for a while. If you dont have anyone to talk to I highly recommend calling an operator <voice recording>, writing it all down, or typing it up.. because you have to get it out. Going outside yelling -- or yelling into a pillow, sounds rediculous but it works. Eventually you will find a good support circle.. because it really does take a village.
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#13 of 22 Old 02-06-2010, 10:01 AM
 
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I agree with the posts about going into "survival mode" and it will get better over time.
This is my second (and last!) time being a single parent. The way I did it before - when my kids were 1, 2, and 3 and the way I do it now when my kids are 2, 4, 12, 13 and 14 is this: wake up, do what I have to do all day, fall over when they are asleep, wake up & repeat.
Finding a good support system makes a world of difference. I'm doing so much better this time around because I actually have friends & support.
I'm definitely not this zen about it all the time but the horrible gut-wrenching 'I CANNOT DO THIS!!!!!!" moments are starting to come less and less.

mama to the Girls (15, 14, 13) and the Littles (5, 3) 
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#14 of 22 Old 02-07-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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Momma......if you need to cry sometimes and let it out....then go ahead. I've been split from my ex for years now....and I still get overwhelmed! My truck is in the shop and it's gonna cost a lot to fix.....I was crying this week about it...LOL I had a pity party or two for myself. I'll cry for a bit and get it out....then I focus on what needs to get done. There's no hero to save you.......You are your own hero! And you can do it.

Build you up a support system that you can talk too. Do things for yourself that make you feel good. Whether it's painting your nails, taking a bubble bath, reading a good book, watching a funny movie or whatever. Love your kid and yourself just as much!

We've all been there. And it will get better. Be positive and move forward. And we all have our days.......Trust me, I can be as strong as a box of nails, but I have my days too!

I'm a single, self-employed, homeschooling mom of 2 great kids. Girl 9/95 and Boy 3/99.
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#15 of 22 Old 02-10-2010, 05:14 PM
 
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I decided the other night that I had reached my limit, I couldn't take anymore. Ya know what happened? Nothing.

I continued driving to my mother's house at 11 at night after school got out, put my sleeping daughter in the car and drove her home, got her into bed without waking her up, got the fire going because we only have wood heat and I didn't have time to feed it between work and school. I fed the hunting dogs her father left, took a shower, laid down at one, woke up at six, got her dressed and fed, dropped her off to the babysitter and went to work.

You don't really have a choice. You just keep going and do your best. If you just stop functioning they're going to take your kid away, then what do you have left? You can cry if it makes you feel better but I promise when you stop crying everything is exactly the same as when you started.

Try to take joy in the good things, even if few and far between, and put every ounce of energy you can come up with and then a little bit more into doing whatever it takes to make your life what you want it to be.

If someone figures out where all the prince charmings are waiting to come save us damsals in distress you let me know...
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#16 of 22 Old 02-11-2010, 07:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim919 View Post
If someone figures out where all the prince charmings are waiting to come save us damsals in distress you let me know...
WHAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!! who needs rescuing?!!! damsel in distress??!!!! i think NOT

just a powerful woman living momentarily through a storm.

the storm shall pass and the woman will come out powerful knowing she will never ever see that bad a storm again - EVER in her life. if she could survive that - she will survive ANYTHING.

personally i am sooooooo glad i wasnt rescued. that i could do it on my own.

my mom on the other hand is still waiting for prince charming to come 'rescue' me. i cant get her to understand i do not need rescuing. :

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#17 of 22 Old 02-12-2010, 01:24 PM
 
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This is the best poem I have ever read on the subject. I memorized when I was 18, and used to sit on the roof and recite it to myself when things got hard. I'm hoping to be single soon, and reciting it for myself again.

For Strong Women, by Marge Piercy

A strong woman is a woman who is straining
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing "Boris Godunov."
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why aren't you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
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#18 of 22 Old 02-13-2010, 06:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
WHAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!! who needs rescuing?!!! damsel in distress??!!!! i think NOT

just a powerful woman living momentarily through a storm.

the storm shall pass and the woman will come out powerful knowing she will never ever see that bad a storm again - EVER in her life. if she could survive that - she will survive ANYTHING.

personally i am sooooooo glad i wasnt rescued. that i could do it on my own.

my mom on the other hand is still waiting for prince charming to come 'rescue' me. i cant get her to understand i do not need rescuing. :

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
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#19 of 22 Old 02-13-2010, 11:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been reading along with everyone's posts, sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I want to thank you all so much for all your words of support and for sharing your stories. Your advice has been very helpful. It seems many of you have been through so much, much more than I have, and I definitely admire you for your strength. I have been doing better recently. I'm focusing on one day at a time. I had been feeling very resentful of my DS (I know, that sounds awful), but I have been appreciating him a lot more lately. I've been trying to think of all the reasons why I am SO lucky to have him. And I've been trying to think of things I have to look forward to, just little things - something tomorrow, something next week. It really helps me to have that. I do have moments where I can feel myself slipping, but I have been able to stop myself without completely crashing. Although I suppose I will have to take time to deal with things, I can't constantly suppress it which is sort of what I'm doing now. There's just too much to process all at once. It will take time.


Anyway, thank you again - thank you thank you thank you!

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
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#20 of 22 Old 02-14-2010, 05:11 AM
 
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Reading your post has really shown me how far I've come. I was there for the last year and a half. It was a horrible, horrible time but you know what? Now that I've made it through and my life has purpose again (seriously, it didn't for a very long time) I don't even want to go back to the person I was before. I am so strong, focussed and my future is just so, so exciting. Definitely worth the effort and, uh, chest pains...

My advice is to brace yourself...hang on tight, and you will make it through.

Follow your intuition -- the universe is an amazing place. If something's not working, scrap it, make a plan, and move on to the next thing. Most importantly, live the life you want . You'll get there.

Oh, and take care of your health...

Josybear, I'll be your emergency contact!!
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#21 of 22 Old 02-14-2010, 06:57 AM
 
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i couldn't read your post and not you. we have to. we have no alternative. but we must be gentle with ourselves, too. we are frail and human. we will made mistakes. there will be crappy days. but we will all come out on the other side because we are fighters for our children. you are a fighter, too and you can make it through anything. make a space for yourself because you have to be well taken care of in order to care for someone else.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

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#22 of 22 Old 02-15-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Gillian28 View Post
..because I can't seem to function over here I'm having a REALLY hard time. Today was a really rough day. I had an emotional breakdown, during which I was slapped across the face with the harsh reality that I'm alone here. I had no idea who I could call to help me, there's really nobody. I have no idea what I'm going to do. How I'm going to survive. I'm sorry if I'm being overly dramatic, but I truly feel this way. I am so depressed. Please tell me it's normal to feel this hopeless. And that it gets better.
The way I do it is like this... The situation is what it is... certain things need to get done, the rest is busywork... If I need to cry, I cry... If I need to rage, I rage... But I get the stuff that needs done done, and the rest if I can... I deal with what is, not what was, or could have been...

Check out my business, Pangaia Metaphysical Store, and radio blog, Pagan Musings.
I'm a witchy mama to DS ('06) and DD ('10) with DH, Stormie, a heathen homemaker daddy.

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