*~*'~* February Dating Thread - Where is Cupid? *~*'~* - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 101 Old 02-02-2010, 08:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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....he ain't had me targeted for quite awhile. I'd like a Valentine. But at two weeks and counting, I don't see it happening...

What about you guys? Who will be calling you or sending you a valentine, or taking you on a romantic date on Valentine's day?

Or do we even care about this stupid hallmark holiday designed to make us single people miserable?? Ok, I do. I wish I had a valentine.

Many of you have pressured me to start a 'Sex and the City' style blog. Well I have. It won't be 100% dating related, but much of the adventures I blog about will indeed be the dramas I post about here on this thread, just with a little more context thrown in as to the rest of my life. Including motherhood of course. PM me if you want a link to the blog. In case my ex is following me on MDC, I'd rather not put the link right here in the post to avoid him finding my writings.
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#2 of 101 Old 02-02-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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For the first time in 9 years, I have a Valentine and I have to say, it was worth the wait!

I'm in a relationship with a man who brings out the very best in me. Sometimes, he brings out the best in me in the most fun, loving and wonderful ways...and sometimes I am challenged in deeply profound ways, and it makes me grow and become better by working through very difficult things. For both of these, I feel blessed.

I always find it funny when my single friends are wishing they were partnered and my partnered friends wish they were single...everyone thinks the grass is greener, when in actuality, it is the same. Just like there are great things and difficult things about being single...there are great things and difficult things about dating and the same can be said about being in a relationship. It has less to do with our current 'status' and more to do with the nature of life!

Whatever your status is today or on Valentine's, know that whatever you are feeling or experiencing, you would experience the same thing if your status was different. Celebrate the love that you have in your life...be that for your friends, your children, or someone special.
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#3 of 101 Old 02-02-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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Looking forward to reading your blog, Butterflymom. I definitely think that's a great idea!

MsChatsAlot, glad to hear things are going so well. And you're right, I actually often find myself wishing for the opposite (single / partnered), and it's been a good last several months of focusing on my own happiness.

I don't have a Valentine. It would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I have a date this Friday with Cool Blast. This is the girl that began with not wanting to date me because of my kids. It should be nice to meet her finally.
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#4 of 101 Old 02-02-2010, 04:18 PM
 
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MsChatsalot: Sounds like you are in a good place. Happy for you. I was in the same place just - well 3-4 months ago and I can honestly say I was very grateful for being with my guy. Now that I am not, I am not grateful. Your thoughts of finding happiness within are beautiful, but personally - well even if I can feel happy being the person I am and being in my own company I can honestly say that for me - being with a person I love is A LOT better. I don't think humans are meant to live alone - i think it is a basic need for us to be surrounded by other people and todays world isn't always centered around such basic needs. I dont miss being in any relationship - I miss being with a man I love, and I don't feel like a less complete or less balanced person because of that.

Butterfly: I'm sorry you don't have a valentine. I agree it is great to have one..

It seems i do have a valentine this year. Not sure it's the right one though. Not sure it isn't either.. Maybe by valentine I will know the answer? I'm just still hurting. I know I shouldn't be, I know he let me down, i know he failed me in the worst possible way, and it still hurts so much that I feel just broken inside. Why can't I feel that kind of affection for a man who actually seems to care? Not fair.

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#5 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 02:08 AM
 
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Okay I am going to *try* to stay on top of this very busy thread this month. Butterfly I feel Valentine's Day is about celebrating the ones we love so this year Valentine or not I'm hosting a Valentine's Brunch for all those I love - couples and singles! MsChatsAlot it sounds your relationship with yourself as well as with your partner are keeping you happy and fufilled! I do personally enjoy a day dedicated to just me and my sweetie when there is a man I truly care for in my life - but that does not have to be "Valentine's Day". Seie I know you are still hurting and although this man who is your Valentine's may be Mr. Right Now he might actually be something more, if anything I hope he helps you realize that you are special and desired - kudos to you for remaining open and putting yourself at least a little out there.

I am not sure what my plans will be for Valentine's but my weekend is quickly filling with a birthday dinner on Saturday, my brunch on Sunday so IF any of the men in my world plan to ask me out they better do that sooner than later and if I don't at a min. get flowers (I'm 1/2 Hawaiian) then long term relationship potential is most likely lost. They all know I LOVE flowers it's in my upbringing...... and IF they elect to not see me that weekend I can assume they are with someone else so the least they can do is send flowers. Just my .02

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#6 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mumblemama View Post
Looking forward to reading your blog, Butterflymom. I definitely think that's a great idea!

MsChatsAlot, glad to hear things are going so well. And you're right, I actually often find myself wishing for the opposite (single / partnered), and it's been a good last several months of focusing on my own happiness.

I don't have a Valentine. It would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I have a date this Friday with Cool Blast. This is the girl that began with not wanting to date me because of my kids. It should be nice to meet her finally.
Mumblemama I completely missed your post when responded yesterday! Cool Blast has been intrigued with her interest in you after she initially "ran for the hills" I met a man with full custody of his son when I was not ready to be a mom and it was really intimidating because I felt I could not meet a need in his life - so I ran but honestly it was not because I did not like him. (We have since reconnected so it is possible). I hope it goes good with her and honestly I just want you to know it is somewhat normal for some one to react a little spooked if they themselves don't have kids and have never dated someone with kids ~ it's new territory so don't hold it against her. She seems to be warming up since you two are finally meeting!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#7 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 02:19 PM
 
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Mumblemama: I hope it goes really well with Cool Blast

Loveohm: Someone definately should bring you flowers - you deserve it

Butterfly: It really does sound like you have taken a small step back from the dating. Im sure it will be good in the end. Who knows - maybe your new business will bring you in contact with Mr. Right I mean - someone you would have never met online or in a bar! But - don't forget to keep us updated about your upcoming date!

Here Manager is coming here friday. He is taking a day off work to meet me We will be having breakfast and hang out all day. Not sure what to do in the afternoon. I am going to pick up my kids at school and daycare. Plan one is to send him to the mall to catch dinner and a movie, and he can come back after the kids are sleeping. Plan B is - well to just introduce him as a casual friend who is staying for dinner. Im really not sure what is the better plan. I don't much like sending him away as my oldest wont be in bed till 21.30 at the earliest - and I would probably tell him I was expecting a visitor anyway. But on the other hand - I am not sure this is a long term thing yet (im pretty sure it could be though) and even if we do it casually I think it is very early to have him meet my kids. But then again I am an adult - I can have a visitor right. It shouldt really be that big a deal. I don't know - just don't know. He is open to both suggestions and is leaving the decision to me.
He caught me on chat from work today - between meetings - and told me he already has a plan for us to meet up the next weekend too. Sweet right He does seem like a really amazing guy to be honest. I am at the least very flattered by his obvious interest and persistence in keeping in touch daily. And so far not at all in a needy way - he just lets me know regularly that he thinks of me - at work too and even admitted he got really distracted during a meeting at work where one of the attending women had my name (a pretty rare name around here) So well - it seems for now we are some kind of a couple. Exclusive too. I wouldnt even consider asking.
Whereever this is going to end then it does feel good to have someone calling me, texting me, complimenting me, writing me and planning dates for us (something LL never did - it was always me) so will try not to think too much and just enjoy. I deserve that - dont I?

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#8 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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Personally, I am not a big Valentine's Day (or any holiday, for that matter) person. I agree with LoveOhm, though... it should be about celebrating and appreciating ALL of your loved ones. Oh, and btw: I ALWAYS send my favorite flowers (tulips) to myself for V-Day, regardless of if I am with someone or not!

MCA: You already know who happy I am for you!!

Seie: Seriously, just take it one day at a time and try not to think too much. And... YES, you do deserve that!

Mumblemama: Looking forward to hearing about Friday night!!!!


Well, Mr. Single Dad and I are still spending time together. Friday night's burgers n' bowling date was a lot of fun!!! Lots of laughing and smiling. It was just a really nice evening. Plus, I got to check out his house and get a bit more insight into him, which was good.

Since Friday, things have kind of mellowed out a bit. He has been super busy at work and I have been a bit hormonally-induced insecure and wonky (or lack of a better word). But... as of today, I am finally starting to balance back out again. Hallelujah!!!

I had a great conversation with a gf last night. She pushed me to verbalize some of my concerns/hesitations with Mr. Single Dad, in addition to re-focusing me on what I am looking for and wanting... how does that feel, what does that look like, etc. It was incredibly helpful and reminded me the importance of being honest with myself (not getting caught up in the early swirling of emotions) and to take the time to REALLY get to know him with an objective mind.

Yes, I do have some little concerns in the back of my mind with Mr. Single Dad, in regards to if he is the "right" guy for me. But, I barely know him and that is what these beginning stages are about... getting to know each other. Right????

He is coming over tonight and then I probably won't see him again until next week, as he has his dd from Thursday pm to Wednesday am. But, that is a good thing... time and space allows objectivity.

I keep reminding myself of MCA's comment:

Quote:
Dating, love, relationships...it's all about the journey. The "destination" is merely the culmination of all the moments along the way.
So... we'll see where this journey takes me!
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#9 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 06:27 PM
 
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Seie, I am happy for the developments with the manager. Sounds like it's unfolding, it's new territory for you, and you're taking it step by step.

Holland, I'm intrigued by single dad! Sounds like a neat prospect, hope it continues to go well for you both.

mumblemama, have fun with cool blast!

MCA: Yay! Sounds like some fabulous energy there.

Butterfly, hang in there! Your group of friends can be your valentines.

LoveOhm, I wholeheartedly (as it were!) agree that Valentines day is a celebration of love in all its forms.

I posted a while back about taking a hiatus with bf. We had been engaged in the summer, then had a really rocky few months, and at thanksgiving I took a big step back. I had some specific concerns that I realized would really be deal killers for me. I don't think that expecting another person to change is a good way to to, so I was basically feeling open to the relationship ending if need be.

Well, in the last two months he has totally knocked my socks off. Gradually I started re-entering the relationship, and feeling my way through the evident, concrete, observable changes before me. I have to say that my concerns are much smaller now and no longer worrisome. They had been larger than the relationship, and now the relationship is much larger/stronger than the problems, and we are a team in dealing with the various challenges that face us. I am so impressed with his dedication to the relationship and his courage with personal growth. I love this man so much, and I feel so much closer to him now, so grounded with him. So honored by the many ways he has gone to bat for the relationship.

so the wedding is back on, and planned for April.
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#10 of 101 Old 02-03-2010, 09:45 PM
 
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Seie, I like the way things are going w/ the Manager for you. He seems nice, and whether it lasts or not, it sounds like a good thing. I don't know about him meeting your kids, either. I'm still on the fence about the casual meeting thing. I think I'd be MUCH more okay with it if I actually had more friends that my kids casually met, so it wasn't awkward, ya know?

LoveOhm, you sound busy and in good spirits! You totally deserve flowers. As for Cool Blast, I agree. I actually quite glad she was honest and open about it. We've talked about the kids thing quite a bit, and I definitely don't think she's completely against it, otherwise why would she be meeting me and chatting me up constantly?

Holland73, Yes! It's still early and it sounds like you two are generally having a great time. I AM curious what these "little concerns" are, though...

Zeta, I don't know that I've kept up with you but congratulations!!

I suddenly have all sorts of dating prospects on my plate and am talking to too many people. But it should be an interesting weekend...
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#11 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 03:31 AM
 
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So, he just ended it. It was ALL about his feelings of guilt about his dd. He felt bad that -- if we would ever move in together (he was doing some serious future tripping) -- he would be spending 100% of his time with my ds (as I don't have any shared custody -- I am a solo mama), but not with his dd. He was worried about how such a situation would harm her. How would she feel that ds would be going on special outings/vacations/etc and having her daddy all the time, when she didn't? It's a legitimate concern/feeling, I don't fault him for such.

So...

Me: "You have do what you think is best for you and your family. If you don't want to continue down this road then let's just let it go."

Him: "I can't do it to her."

Me:"I wish you all the best and I hope you find exactly what you are looking for. Goodbye."

It sucks, as I did enjoy being with him and the connection we had together. But, as I said earlier, there were other little concerns with him that I was also thinking through myself. So perhaps, it was meant to be... maybe he just beat me to the punch.

Another one bites the dust!!!
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#12 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 07:20 AM
 
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Wow, Holland.. I am sorry. It sounded like it was going so well, though I was curious about the concerns you had. You're probably right, it was meant to be. I hope you're holding up well about it.

As for his reason... I can see how I would feel awkward about that, as well. Hmm. I don't know.
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#13 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 09:52 AM
 
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Just popping my head in to say hello

I have to say that I am so for MCA Ihope things continue to work out!

Holland, I'm so sorry

Butterfly I'll be your valentine

Seie I have missed alot in your updates. I hope it all works out

Zeta a big congrats

and a big Hello to anyone I missed


Things are still good with hubby and I except there has been a bit of tension developing around money, the kids and the house. We have a few things to work out but I am sure we will. I had a day the other day, it is too complicated to explain quickly. The grass is definitely not always greener, there were great benefits to being single, and also great benefits to being married. I like what MCA said about it being the same, I am the same person and am trying to remain steady (even though it is sometimes hard)

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#14 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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Congrats Zeta! An April wedding sounds divine. Sometimes we need a little space to really know what we want. I wish you much peace & love.

Enjoy all your prospects, mumblemama. That part of dating is so much fun!

Sorry to hear about that Holland. My first thought was that if he's bailing about something that may or may not happen in the future, he's definitely not the right one for you. Still, it sucks.

Nice to see you Beloved! Thanks for the excitement. I know you & your dh will learn a lot and be stronger after you work through these little road bumps!
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#15 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 01:16 PM
 
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Sorry to hear about that Holland. My first thought was that if he's bailing about something that may or may not happen in the future, he's definitely not the right one for you. Still, it sucks.
I know and that was exactly what I was thinking. We both appeared to have very different life views and perspectives. I live my life without regrets, in the moment and I follow my dreams. I was starting to see that he didn't. He talked about how badly he wanted to travel, yet always had an excuse for why he didn't, even though he had some amazing opportunities offered to him. Me... I do it. I make it happen!

Additionally, there were just moments where I felt like he was not emotionally available or ready for what I was wanting from a relationship. There was never anything specific, just a feeling... a feeling I vividly recall with my x-bf, who was VERY emotionally unavailable and detached.

Oh, and he lived in big-time suburbia!!! When I went to his house last weekend, I just felt so ackward and "gak" about the serious suburbia vibe.
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#16 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Valid reason to break up with you. I would have refrained from dating you in the first place, though, to save your feelings. I refrain from men with children precisely because of this type of messiness.

But dating is always a gamble with your feelings. No foolproof method to avoid disappointment and worse.
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#17 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 02:01 PM
 
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Holland: I am so sorry. Still hard when you have invested yourself in something. I am sure you will get through though - you are always so positive.

Beloved: Its great to see you check in here I don't blame you for not being able to follow my story.. My big big love - the guy I started seeing around a year ago just when things were really going well with you and your DH and you were planning marriage - all that stuff - broke up with me end of november. So been really heartbroken. Finally starting to resurface and started chatting with a guy around a month ago. Met two weeks ago and things are moving a bit fast. Really great and wonderful single dad of two boys and in many ways very promising..


That brings me to the update from our third meeting - yesterday. He took the day off work and came in the morning, stayed all day, left when I fetched the kids and came back when the two youngest were sleeping. So he met the oldest and that went well. Very soon but - well my son knew I was having a visitor and thought it was weird he couldnt meet him so.. He asked if Manager would spend the night and I hesitantly agreed that he could sleep in the guest bed as most of my visitors do since they come from several hours drive away.
Next morning he met the two youngest too in a very casual way. I introduced him as a friend and they - well they fell in love with him right away so.. He did great with them - I was kind of hoping he would keep a bit more distance but I don't think that is even in his nature. He just plunges himself into life - something I actually like about him so.. hmm Well he seemed to really enjoy their company - and they enjoyed his. He left right after breakfast so the meeting with the kids was just brief..
But overall I feel like - this guy is like pulled from a romance novel or something - he is mature, open, warm, caring, intelligent, cool job, great with kids, pursuing me in a textbook green flag way, good looking, charming, fun.. what is there not to like? Not to love? I honestly can't tell you. I am kind of guessing if I met this guy before LL I would have probably been way consumed by now. Instead I am taking one step at the time.. I really honestly believe this guy would be worth an investment even if I am not exactly head over heels by now..
What do you think? Do you expect instant passion or do you primarily look at potential? Reason or passion? Or affection? Or trust? What is more importent? I am still really confused and kind of feeling like I am acting like the emotionally distant person here.. Not sure I like that thought..

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#18 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 02:03 PM
 
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Valid reason to break up with you. I would have refrained from dating you in the first place, though, to save your feelings. I refrain from men with children precisely because of this type of messiness.

But dating is always a gamble with your feelings. No foolproof method to avoid disappointment and worse.
Wow... thanks for that!
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#19 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 02:09 PM
 
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Holland: I am so sorry. Still hard when you have invested yourself in something. I am sure you will get through though - you are always so positive.
Thanks, Seie and everyone else who offered sweetness, support and kind words.

Just ftr: I don't really have anything to get through. I didn't know him well enough to have invested serious feelings into him. I was enjoying the journey and the time spent together... but, it was still too soon to know anything. We were just getting to know each other, to see if we were right for each other.

Yes, it sucks, but that is just one of the many aspects of dating.

Again... I do sincerely appreciate the kindness and concern.
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#20 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 02:37 PM
 
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Thanks, Seie and everyone else who offered sweetness, support and kind words.

Just ftr: I don't really have anything to get through. I didn't know him well enough to have invested serious feelings into him. I was enjoying the journey and the time spent together... but, it was still too soon to know anything. We were just getting to know each other, to see if we were right for each other.

Yes, it sucks, but that is just one of the many aspects of dating.

Again... I do sincerely appreciate the kindness and concern.
Holland: I take from the above post that you didn't feel that emotionally attached? I wonder about that. Is it your "plan" to meet a man, look at his overall compatability with you and then expect the love to come along the way? Cause that is really backwards to how I was envisioning going about the whole thing after LL broke up. I mean - with him I just knew already at the second date, that I wanted him - and not just for a casual relationship but "for good". But it sounds like you expect that feeling to come on its own if the guy is a good guy who matches your predefined needs/wants?

Anyone else with insight or thoughts about how to approach the emotional aspect of dating - I am interested to hear them..

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#21 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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I am not sure how to fall in love with someone I don't truly know, actually I take that back. My past pathology has been to fall in love with men very quickly, if not after the 1st-2nd date kind of thing. Guess what I am realizing though... NONE of them have worked out.

Upon my own reflection of my relationship history and behaviors, I am finding it is because I never TRULY knew them. It takes time and effort to really know someone. So, how could I say I loved them -- fully -- when I didn't put in the time or effort to truly get to know them. I realized I was in love with an "idea" of them... an idea that was more about me and what I wanted, then who they really were. Does that make sense?

I don't know about your comment of predetermine wants/needs... we all have wants/needs we would like in a partner. Mine aren't entirely so black and white, but they are potential indicators for me to make sure I am true to myself and what I want in my life.

btw: I am not sure what your definition of a "casual relationship" is??? Mr. Single Dad and I both made a conscious decision to not date anyone else and to just taking our time getting to know each other. We needed to see if we would be a good "match." There were no guarantees it would last forever. Oh heck, there are no guarantees that ANY relationship -- casual, serious or marital -- will last forever.
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#22 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 03:57 PM
 
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Holland 73 I am glad you don't feel like you have anything to get through. Sounds like you have developed some skills / insight in terms of not getting too attached before you really know someone.

I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous? I don't see why she can't have her feelings (whatever they are, maybe not jealousy) and he can still have the right to find and, if it works out, make a life with a single mom who has full custody - so long as he always saves a special place in the new family for her?

I think guilt should not be a decision-making driving force. Besides, there's every reason to believe that if a single dad were to move in with you and your ds, that this scenario would provide an added *richness* to the single dad's own children's life; the special home life you all would create together, the special personalities that you and your ds have. It would probably be a mixed bag, some loss of the 1:1, but new goodness as well. It's not all deficit if a single dad moves in with a single mom who has full custody.

Life's an adventure! And children should be allowed to have their feelings (happy/ sad/ jealous) without the fear of those feelings ruling the parents' life.

Just my 2-cents.
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#23 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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Holland:
I think I agree with Zeta about the reason for not wanting to proceed with you, but I also think that if that is a valid reason to him, it is better you two go your seperate ways now rather than later.
In my first letter to Manager I asked him what he thought of us having 5 kids all together. He responded that he wasn't all romantic about it, but that if we are right for eachother we will be right for the 5 kids too. I loved that reply and I think nomatter who I end up with I need it to be someone with that view on life.. You of course deserve someone who can see you and your DD as a wonderful addition to his own life - not a problem.

I am not quite sure what you refer to when you say I mentioned a casual relationship? With Manager it definately is not casual at this point. I am certain he is not seing anyone else and know for a fact that even after meeting me once he put his dating profile on standby. I wonder if I could have ment casual in the way that we still both understand and try to remember that we don't know where this is going and that we are still just getting to know eachother. Or did I mention casual in relation to your relationship?
Your words about being in love with a dream ring true. I know that LL didn't turn out to be the person I had envisioned and imagined. I actually think he could have been that person - but he chose not to.
So now I am trying the more conscious and reasonable approach. I do feel the Manager relationship-think could definately have potential if I manage to let go of the stuff I am carrying so working on that and allowing things to develop.

Will be seeing him again next friday - a whole night without kids - so looking forward to that

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#24 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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Holland, I find you wise. I just wish I could think that way more often.

I think I've also often fell in love with ideas. Heck, I've brought it to some pretty nutty extremes in the past with knowing a few people onlines for years and years.

Seie, the Manager sounds good. I do get concerns of things moving so fast when you are still getting over LL. Does he know about LL?

My date with Cool Blast was a flop. There wasn't much of any chemistry. She's a sweet gal, and we had a nice dinner (best pasta I've ever had? wow!), played some Rock Band and watched a movie, but I don't see it going anywhere. Oh well!
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#25 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 05:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Your words about being in love with a dream ring true. I know that LL didn't turn out to be the person I had envisioned and imagined. I actually think he could have been that person - but he chose not to.
I think I have been able in the past to see someone's *potential* so vividly I could fall in love with the potential. But you can't have a relationship with Potential. I'm trying to see people's limitations more clearly and go from there.
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#26 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous? I don't see why she can't have her feelings (whatever they are, maybe not jealousy) and he can still have the right to find and, if it works out, make a life with a single mom who has full custody - so long as he always saves a special place in the new family for her?

I think guilt should not be a decision-making driving force. Besides, there's every reason to believe that if a single dad were to move in with you and your ds, that this scenario would provide an added *richness* to the single dad's own children's life; the special home life you all would create together, the special personalities that you and your ds have. It would probably be a mixed bag, some loss of the 1:1, but new goodness as well. It's not all deficit if a single dad moves in with a single mom who has full custody.

Life's an adventure! And children should be allowed to have their feelings (happy/ sad/ jealous) without the fear of those feelings ruling the parents' life.

Just my 2-cents.
Zeta... were you in my head last night during that conversation with him??? Honestly, that was EXACTLY what I was thinking, particularly the bolded parts.
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#27 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 06:13 PM
 
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I personally would not see his stated reason for breaking up with you as mature. Because his dd might be jealous?

Really? I see a certain maturity. Holland, do I remember correctly that he wasn't that long out of a relationship??

He recognized what he was thinking, made the decision that it was currently valid to him and ended things honestly.

Many single moms, Holland in the past as well, don't want to date men with children. I know that I don't really want to. It really doesn't appeal to me--I don't want more kids. It seems complicated--and yes, some of that is the jealousy and reactions of your own children or the step-children. I know my limits of what I can handle right now and that isn't a part of it.

I've had to work my ass off for my own, and my children's mental health. A relationship that brings other children into the mix isn't worth it to me. (Things could certainly change, but that's what I feel right now)

I don't think that is my guilt or fear driving me--it's about what I want and what I feel is best for my children right now. I'm happy.

The flip side is that I have to accept when men don't want the complications of having a relationship with me because of my kids. I'm cool with that. I can't condemn them for being short-sighted--I have to respect that they have their reasons that are valid to them.

I can see where the future orientation and the "what if" factor can be off-putting but at the same time I respect him for making decisions based on his needs. Maybe it was fear or guilt driven, but maybe he realized his own needs and the needs of his daughter and decided that was his priority. If he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, then he was wise to get out before getting in deeper.

People date for different reasons. Sometimes people start out wanting to casually date but then meet someone wonderful, all those love chemicals start churning around, chemistry, etc and they find themselves in deeper than planned.

I guess what I am saying is that bailing on something that may or may not happen in the future can actually be wisdom imo.

That said, I'm sorry it didn't work out Holland. As MCS mentioned, it's about the journey. But you know that.
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#28 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 06:53 PM
 
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Yes, he was recently out of a relationship and it was also one of my little concerns I was conscious of.

Let me be VERY clear... I absolutely DO NOT fault him for his decision.

As I said in my earlier post, his feelings are legitimate and valid... for him. In fact, I truly appreciate his honesty and ability to be true to himself and his limitations AND I have no problem, at all, in respecting and understanding his decision. He did what he felt was right for him and his dd, based on his life views/perspective, and that I can respect.

Btw: I still will not purposely seek out a single dad.

Mr. Single Dad pursued me. I liked what he wrote, we had a lot in common and he was attractive, so I thought, "hmm, perhaps I should be a little open-minded and try this out." It was a fun experience, he was a great guy, we got along great and there were some great benefits to dating another single parent. Ultimately, if I were to do it again... I don't know. But, never say never.
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#29 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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Oh the Irony- I don't mean to sound judgmental about people who don't want to date someone with kids. There's nothing immature about that choice. I have considered it myself!

I guess I was reacting to what I interpreted as his sort of blaming the break up on his loyalty to his kid. Like he's "too good of a dad" to date H. If he was saying this was a situation he personally did not feel like getting into, for his own reasons (including maybe that *he* just not want to deal with her possible jealousy)- that would seem honest and mature. But I got this kind of cop-out vibe from H's description. Like he was doing it FOR his daughter, like there was something inherently disloyal about getting involved with a mom with custody. I don't know, smacks of the "self-less guy" routine.
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#30 of 101 Old 02-06-2010, 07:27 PM
 
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Gotcha. The self-less guy routine... I know it well.
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