Impending Divorce... Xposted in PAP - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-04-2010, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
MPJJJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I'm Positively thinking Positive!
Posts: 3,230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My xdh and I have been married 10 years, together for 12. Our divorce will be finalized in a couple of weeks. I left him early last year because after a second try, when we broke up and got back together, he was continuing to be mean to me and my children. We have a history of him grabbing me and not letting me walk away until he had his say, which left bruises on me. Since the seperation, he has threatened to not let me see my children (which he since claims that it is because seeing me hurt too much), and ruined my son's birthday by smashing his cake into the stove while calling me a whore.

I have been dating a really nice man who I love and treats me well. We now live together. The problem is that the last couple weeks, xdh has been very nice and apologetic, and asking if we could work it out. He said I could even stay in the spare bedroom while we get to know each other again. He picked me up and took me to the ER the other week and stayed all night (BF was out of town), and he says he wants me back more than anything. The nice behavior makes it hard for me because I remember how things were when it was good.

Now I am scared and I don't know what to do... I am laid off, but wanting to finally start a portraiture business, and BF has been on unemployment for a year now, and doesn't seem all that interested in looking for a job. Although this is a very small town and there are more people looking for jobs than there are jobs. We are quickly running out of money and I am scared for my kids. I didn't want them to grow up poor like I did. I want them to be happy.

Xdh is working and by himself makes enough for his bills. I *could* stay with him and try my business without the stress, and any money I make could go towards the kids instead of bills, but I no longer think of him as someone I am compatable with. I cannot ever imagine sleeping with him again (he slept the last 7 years on the couch anyways) and I really love my bf. I never thought I would meet someone that I have so much in common with, and we don't even have to try. We just seem to click.

But I am having all these mixed feelings and I dont know what to do... if I move out it would DEVESTATE my boyfriend, and wouldn't be fair to him at all, plus it would hurt like hell and I would probably regret it forever. But maybe it would be best for my children if we move in with their father and just try to stay friendly. Xdh wants more, but I cannot give him that. I just want to be friendly and not fight. I have been so mean to my BF the last couple of days because I am stressing so much, this really hurts, and I am scared to death of making the wrong decision. I just want whats right for my kids, I dont want them to suffer because of my decisions.
MPJJJ is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-04-2010, 03:04 PM
 
dubfam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: In My Urban Garden
Posts: 1,973
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Do you have ANY other options? There has to be a better way. It doesn't sound like your children will be safe if you live with your X. Do you have any other support, like close friends or family? I understand your dilemma but I think you would be doing a terrible disservice to yourself and your children if you go back. Being poor is much better than living with an abuser.

Again, I am so so sorry that this is happening to you and your kids
dubfam is offline  
Old 02-04-2010, 04:13 PM
 
MissLotus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You have to know in your heart of hearts that this is a horrible idea. Just look at what you wrote that led up to the divorce. Your ex is so abusive!

Of course he can be "nice"... when he's trying to get you back and he isn't dealing with daily realties. You KNOW what the reality is with him. I would make a large wager that building your business would not be "stress-free" if you did it while living with him again. Most of all, you'd be doing a disservice to your children to put them in that position again. First, because you'd be knowingly bringing them to live with an abuser, second of all, the nightmare of moving them out yet again.

And if I must be honest, it's too soon to be living already with this new guy. It's GREAT that you have that companionship, everyone needs and deserves that. But since it doesn't seem to be giving you a financial leg up, anyway, it would just seem to be much more healthy for you and your children to live somewhere, you know, on your own. You don't seem very attached to him anyway (since you're considering leaving him)... and that's okay. It would seem you have a lot to process from being in a bad marriage for so long. Why not give yourself space to do that?
MissLotus is offline  
Old 02-04-2010, 06:09 PM
 
trinity6232000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,283
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
You have to know in your heart of hearts that this is a horrible idea. Just look at what you wrote that led up to the divorce. Your ex is so abusive!

Of course he can be "nice"... when he's trying to get you back and he isn't dealing with daily realties. You KNOW what the reality is with him. I would make a large wager that building your business would not be "stress-free" if you did it while living with him again. Most of all, you'd be doing a disservice to your children to put them in that position again. First, because you'd be knowingly bringing them to live with an abuser, second of all, the nightmare of moving them out yet again.

And if I must be honest, it's too soon to be living already with this new guy. It's GREAT that you have that companionship, everyone needs and deserves that. But since it doesn't seem to be giving you a financial leg up, anyway, it would just seem to be much more healthy for you and your children to live somewhere, you know, on your own. You don't seem very attached to him anyway (since you're considering leaving him)... and that's okay. It would seem you have a lot to process from being in a bad marriage for so long. Why not give yourself space to do that?
A BIG : to everything MissLotus said. Why not take this time in your life to focus on yourself, and what YOU want from your future.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
trinity6232000 is offline  
Old 02-04-2010, 06:26 PM
 
Theia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,916
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I'm with MissLotus and Trinity on this.

I also left an abuser. Have you done any reading about the "cycle of abuse'?
Google that phrase if you haven't.

My best suggestion would be to find a way to be on your own. I've been out of my abusive relationship for a year now, and as much as I'd like to be with someone again, I freak out when I seriously consider it. I am focusing on myself, fixing what the abuse damaged. You seem like you also want to focus on yourself and your current BF doesn't seem interested in being a contributing partner if he's not motivated to support himself.

s It's hard and scary. But being on my own right now is what is best for me. Maybe that is what you need too. Become who you want to be.
Theia is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off