In hospital with infant, his father walked out on us - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 02-07-2010, 11:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:02 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I couldn't not respond. Have your told your doctors this situation? I'm not sure of the legal aspects but there has to be a shelter somewhere that you can stay in with your baby. Please ask someone at the hospital for help.

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#3 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:09 AM
 
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i saw this in new posts. please ask for help at the hospital. there _must_ be shelter situations where you can stay. what about family?

i'm so sorry mama.

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#4 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:12 AM
 
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Just wanted to send you a hug and support. I can't imagine what you're going through. The other mamas are right. Ask at the hospital for help. Maybe if someone there can look into this for you, you can focus on your babe right now.
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#5 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:19 AM
 
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hugs mama. I agree with the previous posters that there are places you can go - ask the doctors - they will help you stabilize the situation. It sounds like you've got some soul searching to do about where to go from here - look into your sons face and know that 'this too shall pass'. good luck mama

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#6 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:27 AM
 
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Like PPs have said, there should be someone that can help you at the hospital. I would ask a nurse or something, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

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#7 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 01:01 AM
 
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ask to speak to the hospital social worker.

I am so very very sorry. what a horrible situation.

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#8 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 01:12 AM
 
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Please request help from the hospital social worker. As you are unable to work, you should be able to find some assistance with housing, food, etc and so on.

As for this child's father- if he's that sort of person, I'd write him out of your life. Tough as it is to accept, for some people it IS as easy as just not caring- they can be very detached.
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#9 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 03:31 AM
 
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If your baby is in the NICU you should already have been assigned a social worker. They will help you. Your baby needs you. Let go of your attachment to this horrible man and work to get your baby and you the support you need. Emergency housing, etc. are available. Catholic Charities and any evangelical crisis pregnancy center may have funds and resources as well. Just focus on loving that baby as much as you can. I am praying for you both!
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#10 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 03:58 AM
 
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I've got two words- CHILD SUPPORT! He is required to financially support this child until he's 18.

I agree with the others- let the hospital know what's going on so services can be in place asap. They will also help you get a support order set up.

I'm not sure I've known anyone that cold. You have been through more than anyone should have to- please please take good care of yourself & your little ones.
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#11 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 12:06 PM
 
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I'm so sorry your baby is having such a tough time. Like the others have mentioned, did you tell any of this to a social worker? The hospital won't want to send that baby to live in a car after this - please take advantage of the help available!

The baby's father is heartless to an unbelievable degree, and it sounds like an utter waste of time expecting anything of him, so I think it would be wise to leave him out of the picture totally so as not to waste your own time or emotional energy (not that you don't deserve support, but he ISN'T supportive and is just a negative presence). However, do pursue child from him support legally. Don't talk to him about any of it - just do it. Best wishes!
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#12 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 01:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#13 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 07:29 PM
 
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Wow Mama. That is horrible to be treated like that. for your DS's healing.

For yourself, follow the previous posters advice and speak with a hospital social worker. You could also call your local DHS office and tell them of your situation. Sometimes places like Salvation Army/St Vincent De Paul has lists of local resources for homeless families. Try to find out if there is a transitional housing program anywhere in your area. I imagine you qualify for FoodStamps, WIC and TANF. I spent over half of last year in a transitional housing program due to leaving an abusive relationship. They are great resources. I had a private room, bath and small kitchenette. It wasn't ideal, but a million times better than sleeping in a car with an infant.

You can get on a list for income based housing (HUD apartments). I did that and reached the top of the list in about 4 months during my stay at the THP. You can check out the Section 8 situation in your county (or any county you wish to reside in) as well by calling your local Housing Authority. Many places it is a years long wait, but I saw a poster here say they only had a 12 month wait in their area. That might not seem helpful now, but you have to also think about the long term.

Many hugs to you mama. I wish I could help you more.
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#14 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 07:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by littlecappy2010 View Post
Thank you, kind mommas. I still haven't heard from son's father and he knows LO is undergoing even more horrible tests today, and will be under anesthesia etc. I do have a social worker but she has been gone for the weekend as is not here today, either, for some reason. My fear is that because I am technically "homeless" I will be deemed unfit to care for him. What do you think, will they want to help me or see me as incapable? I am afraid of the possible consequences of talking to her openly. I find it hard to believe that there can be any happy outcome for me...

When I reread my post the way that I worded it made it seem as if I was saying that I didn't care about myself or the baby,(first paragraph) but I meant that he didn't appear to care about us. But we have established that he is a bit of a butthead, now I just have to keep replaying that in my head, because a broken part of me still loves him...

Please send healing energy to my son. He is the one that I feel so sorry for. I am all that he has... The thought is terrifying. I will speak to one very kind nurse that is working today, and hope for things to start turning around for us. I am just so beaten down and feel like every step is weighted with lead. I have no family so it is nice to come here and feel supported. Thank you, mommas.
No, no, no. The part I bolded I must have missed when I responded the first time. You will not be deemed unfit for being homeless. An unfit parent that is homeless generally has other circumstances that make them unfit such as substance abuse or neglect, or refusing to reach out for help and living in a car or on a park bench. In all that I went through last year (I was homeless from January to November) it never once was brought up to me that I might be considered unfit because we were living in shelters. I stayed in 3 different shelters during that time. Also, if you don't wish to stay in your current area and would like to move back to a place with supportive friends or relatives, you could consider finding a THP in that area. Many shelters even pay your travel costs. Its something to consider, although if you receive state aid, you will have to file for child support against DS's father and if you move a great distance that could be used against you potentially as an attempt to estrange your DS from his father. I know DS's father is an UAV, but the courts aren't the most sympathetic to stuff like that.
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#15 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 09:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#16 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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My little guy came through everything like a champ today. We see a neurologist tomorrow and then they are talking about releasing me. I spoke to a different social worker today and she got on the phone and rallied for me, but it seems as if you have to be abused or a drug addict to get any help, and I am neither. I would be willing to move, and even looked into shelters in the next county and two counties over, but the criteria is the same, and for one you have to be pregnant, for another a teenaged mother.
Theia thank you for your story, I would love to have a little place of my own, no matter how small. It sounds as if you had a domestic violence issue which makes your situation (pardon the wording) more favorable for finding help. I am going to keep looking and try to stay positive, but I might not be here past tomorrow so something needs to happen quickly.
I just wanted to point out that emotional abuse is abuse. If they ask you if you have been abused, saying yes would not be a lie.

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#17 of 27 Old 02-08-2010, 11:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by littlecappy2010 View Post
My little guy came through everything like a champ today. We see a neurologist tomorrow and then they are talking about releasing me. I spoke to a different social worker today and she got on the phone and rallied for me, but it seems as if you have to be abused or a drug addict to get any help, and I am neither. I would be willing to move, and even looked into shelters in the next county and two counties over, but the criteria is the same, and for one you have to be pregnant, for another a teenaged mother.
Theia thank you for your story, I would love to have a little place of my own, no matter how small. It sounds as if you had a domestic violence issue which makes your situation (pardon the wording) more favorable for finding help. I am going to keep looking and try to stay positive, but I might not be here past tomorrow so something needs to happen quickly.
I'm glad to hear your DS is doing better.

KaileysMom is right, emotional abuse like what your DS's father seems to be doing is still abuse. Do you fear him in anyway? He doesn't have to hit you or threaten your life necessarily. If you feel unsafe or feel that your DS would be unsafe unsupervised in his fathers presence, then you may qualify.

I would keep looking for transitional housing. The one I was in did not require you to be anything other than homeless. There were single men in one dormitory and single women and parents with children in another dormitory. Many of the people there were there because of substance abuse issues, and some DV, but there were also others who had simply become homeless due to financial reasons or even a guy I met whose home had burned down. Depending on the size of the community you are in, there may be a community mission even. I stayed in one for a few days, it was a religious organization so there were some strict rules, but still better than sleeping in a car. In fact the woman there was the one who put me in touch with the person who got me into the THP.

So just don't give up. If your son is released from the hospital tomorrow, I would make my first stop DHS. Even without DV you should qualify for FS, WIC and I think TANF provided you don't have any other income. Does your own medical condition prevent you from working? Have you filed for SSI or disability of any sort? Turn on the waterworks if you have to while at DHS. I've heard of organizations putting people up in a hotel for a week. Go to a church, even if you aren't religious. They may have funds to help you get somewhere safe. Some churches even open themselves up as an overnight shelter for homeless. Granted none of this is ideal, but also remember it is short term and just a stepping stone to the next point. Have you tried to google "transitional housing <your state>"? I googled "transitional housing for women and children" and came up with a variety of links from many different states.

Best wishes for you and your DS. Do come back and let us know how you are when you get the chance. I'll be for you and DS.
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#18 of 27 Old 02-09-2010, 12:09 AM
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Ugh. What a horrible situation. My heart breaks for you and your baby. It's so hard to imagine his father not caring about what he's going through.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you, and I hope your social worker's able to help you.
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#19 of 27 Old 02-09-2010, 12:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#20 of 27 Old 02-09-2010, 01:07 AM
 
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I lived in Missouri once a long time ago.

Regarding the behavior of your DS's father. What you describe is borderline abusive, with more detail it very well could be. The thing is, I didn't realize all of what my DD's father was doing to me was classified as abuse. The verbal/emotional aspects are not always so obvious. Manipulation, blaming, creating self-doubt are all techniques of abusers. If you aren't sure, a website like Dr Irene can help you determine if he is or not. I totally understand and appreciate that you don't wish to take a spot away from a woman who is in a nasty abusive situation. I'm not encouraging you to lie or anything, but be aware of what is classified as abuse. It is also often (but not always) true that a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship becomes a physically abusive relationship after some time.

I hope you have a wonderful night cuddling with your DS. Best wishes for you in your search tomorrow.
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#21 of 27 Old 02-10-2010, 08:54 AM
 
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i hope that all goes well. use whatever resources you can find and the hospital social worker would probably be a good place to start. i agree that this is an abusive situation.

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#22 of 27 Old 02-10-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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Thank god he doesn't want anything to do with you. He sounds like he isn't someone you should want anything to do with. If it was me I would let him go and never speak to him again or try to make any contact, request, support, etc.

Your older children's father sounds like a good friend, and sense you obviously aren't on your feet that sounds like the best place for you to be. Small bedroom's aren't the worst thing in life. I would rather be in a small bedroom in the home of a friend with all of my children around me then separated from my kids in a huge house and under the thumb of a jerk.

Perhaps you could very gently see if you could get him to terminate his parental rights so that you don't have to worry later on about him coming back to haunt you.

eek out some assistance programs, if you know where to look there is help out there.
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#23 of 27 Old 02-10-2010, 10:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#24 of 27 Old 02-11-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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I am so sorry for what you are going through.

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#25 of 27 Old 02-13-2010, 04:02 PM
 
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looks like you are on the right path for finding some help but I wanted to gently suggest documenting the father's behavior. I KNOW you have a ton on your plate right now. I do. I have two former NICU grads so I know the stress and heartbreak being a single parent to a baby in the nicu. It was the most awful time in my life having my youngest in the nicu and being single and having two older kids at home to deal with. BUT please take 2 minutes per day to scribble down his actions maybe while you are feeding your son or snuggling him to sleep. Keeping a log of the behavior will only help you in court. I have a log of every day for the past 10 years regarding my oldest daughter's father since he skipped out on us and was erratic in visits. It takes some time to remember to do it daily but once it's routine you'll have a notebook by the phone and it will be second-nature and you will protect yourself and your son. Someone who can walk out on their child in the hospital is capable of ANYTHING.

Stay strong, you are in the right direction. Remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease and DHS requires that you stay on top of them constantly most times. You deserve that help. Don't let them brush you off.

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#26 of 27 Old 02-14-2010, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#27 of 27 Old 02-14-2010, 04:43 AM
 
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Yay! I am so happy that you've got some good prospects. I agree with the previous posters about keeping a log. Keep enjoying your DS, you are very strong.
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