Needing to vent, not sure if wise... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
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I have been thinking of writing on here for months, but was not sure given the nature of my case.

I am devestated, as I was a single parent for two years. My ds father would come into town and visit, but mostly at my begging and provided I let him stay at my home. When I met someone new and would not let him reside at my house, he threatened me, called me evil, and tried to break up my relationship.

I have simplified a lot that occured, but it gives you an idea.

Then, when it was apparent that I was not going to come back to him as I was pregnant by my partner, he decides that he should go to court, and try to get FULL custody based on lies that he got his friends to back up, that I denied him the ability to see his son, which never happened. He also stripped me of my lawyer and requested a GAL while I was in the hospital giving birth to my premature ds (who's prematurity I am pretty sure was due to the stress of the situation).

He works long hours and travels long distances all the time. The judge was apparently buying his lies and awarded him 50/50 temporary custody. And I have been floored. I am a stay at home mom, I make my meals from organic foods, he is wheat and dairy free, I don't have a tv, I don't vaccinate, I am still breastfeeding him (he is 2 1/2 yrs old). It is a nightmare. His dad does not respect my opinion and uses every thing I tell him about my ds in court against me, like his restrictive diet.

I am struggling with the idea that I have to deal with this man who is also seemingly telling my son things because he comes home saying that he hates me, that it's all his fault, and at the same time is clingy and cuddly and says he doesn't want me to leave. He is extremely confused and is a very sensitive boy. I am at a loss to help him and help myself. I feel betrayed by a court system I felt would uphold the best for my child and it appears that is not so. My exs attorney actually asked me if I thought the reason he was acting out is because he didn't want to be with me.

I am in immense pain, and I have a beautiful 5 month old who needs me as well. I have all these dreams for my children and now I don't know how to make it happen.

I have tried to be compassionate and generous toward my ex, but it ends up backfiring and he twists it to be I am somehow taking things away from him or endangering my ds. I am at a loss with how to discuss anything with him. As an example, we live 3 1/2 hrs away from one another and he was ordered to meet me at my home. I offered to drive halfway because I was going to the town he was staying at anyway. He stated in court that he wasn't sure where I was living because I didn't want to meet at my house.

I don't know how to help my son and myself. I am at a loss. I may end up deleting this because even this may be used against me by my ex.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
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#2 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 03:02 PM
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I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that I am sending positive thoughts your way.
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#3 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 03:14 PM
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I didn't want to read and not post. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, it sounds awful. I am sure someone will be able to give you some advice, I'm sorry that I don't have any.

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
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#4 of 7 Old 02-13-2010, 07:06 PM
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I'm so sorry too. Please remember that your ds will grow up and get to know both his parents so he will know the truth.

Please take good care of yourself in any way you can.

ETA: it's not the uncommon that the court system sides with the abuser. I think you will benefit from reading about abuse. is a great place to start.
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#5 of 7 Old 02-14-2010, 02:07 AM
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I wish there was something more I could do than tell you I am so so sorry you're going through this.

Single Mama to Vincent 3/30/09
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#6 of 7 Old 02-16-2010, 01:18 PM
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I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I can't imagine. Here are some of my initial thoughts in case any of them help.

1st of all... do you have a lawyer now? I don't understand how he can strip you of your lawyer. You need one and have that right.

2nd I would stop trying to be compassionate and understanding and helpful to your ex. And I would stop going out of your way at all or trying to explain yourself/make him understand. Keep all communication factual and to a minimum, mainly email if possible. Be honest, fair, pleasant. But if he tries to upset you or engage you, end the conversation immediately.

This man is dishonest and manipulative. You can't trust him. You can't change him or make him understand. That doesn't mean he might not change someday. But you need to protect yourself now and change the pattern between the two of you.

And really.... get legal advice.

Also, get a child psychologist on board. You can get records from pediatrician... they have on file WHO brings him to all his appts, etc. You can get testimonials from people who know how hard you tried to get your ex involved. Neighbors, etc.... anyone who knows that DS was with you all of the time can vouch for you.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you and your DS have to go through this.
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#7 of 7 Old 02-16-2010, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
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It's funny, in a sick way, because I am smart and was prepared...I have a lawyer. My original one was stripped because my ex objected to him. He was the best in three counties and because my ex inerviewed him for 10 min on the phone the court ruled I couldn't have him. My ex reported him to the bar association, and the decision was ruled without grounds, but it took months and I already am in trial now.

I have multiple people, including my parents, who vouch for the fact that he had very limited contact. The one thing the judge is looking at is that I moved from where I was living. My ex says he was living near me at the time but has no lease or proof, and I think he was still spending at least 50 perecent of the time out of state (by his own travel records). But he is a exceptionally good liar (why I eventually left him) and is telling the court I kept my ds away from him. It's so crazy because I spent YEARS trying to facilitate their relationship and basically gave up because my ex considered his job more important.I even offered to support him if he would quit his job and he refused. I thought their relationship was that important.

doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.
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