I am trying it today...not sure if I am showing my soft underbelly or doing what is right for my son...
I sent this email to my ex today, trying to figure out how to make this work while we are negotiating final custody stuff. Not sure if I just made a huge mistake...or what. The first few lines are in response to an email he sent me, and the rest are...well, a plea for my son's emotional and physical health. I am at my wit's end. This experience for me has been one of extreme grief, as I see my child regress and decline in ways I can mend with love and consistency and then those healing spots are broken open again when he leaves. I don't know what to do.
It's about what is in DS best interest, not what is fair to either
of us. I really don't care about hours, I care about what is best for
You do not know if it caused me stress, so you can really only speak
I am considering your offer and will be sending you a counter offer
soon, which is one of many I have sent you.
What anyone says about this is not me, and does not represent me or my intent.
DS is very ill and was so upset last night he was shaking, saying he
was so sad that I was gone. We need to figure out how to talk about
what is going on with DS. I am seriously concerned about how this is
affecting him. The reactions I detailed for court were real, I am not
fabricating his emotional and developmental reactions. DS is now
exhibiting signs of a speech impediment that I have never heard before
and is refusing to potty, which back in December he was almost
completely potty trained.
DSs emotional and physical health are being affected, as well as
DSs relationships. We do not presently have the ability to
communicate, so we cannot lessen the impact by keeping things
consistent. We can't even maintain his diet or sleep schedule!
DS will not value his relationships with us unless he has security
and health within himself, and the only way he can accomplish this is
if he feels safe, feels his relationships are secure, and we
communicate. DS does not feel secure. He did prior to December.
Something is impacting this, and it is OUR job to figure it out. If
we can do this in a cooperative manner it will benefit all of us, but
He has come back with a rash on his face and bum that I know to be
caused by items he eats as I have seen it before. Can we please
discuss his diet?
DS comes home wanting to watch TV immediately and is discussing many
shows that we don't have access to including Clifford, Dora, ect. How
much TV are you having him watch?
DS has a severe cough and runny nose that has basically been present
since you took him to Hawai'i. Can we talk about ways to foster his
health and assist his body in dealing with illness and stress?
It would be in DSs best interest if we could have respectful,
honest, compassionate discussions about what DS's life is like with
each of us and try to find a way to minimize the abrupt shift that is
the current schedule. Maybe to start you can describe what your days
are like, who DS is spending most of his time with, activities he is
doing, etc. I would like to talk with him about his experiences,
rather than he share things with me and I have to guess what he is
talking about. I would love to do the same for you, as it would make
the content of your relationship much more in depth and DS would feel
I hope you don't take this email in anger, as it really is not
intended to do anything but open up communication. We need to respect
one another and figure out a middle way, as the way we have been going
for a year isn't working.
I also would like to share some books I am reading with you, including
"Beyond the Rainbow Bridge," and "Calm and Compassionate Children," as
well as "The Discipline Book'" by Dr. Sears. If you have any that are
giving you good ideas please share them with me.
I really hope that we can come together to create some peace for DS,
and for ourselves.
Please tell me if I sound combative, defiant, or what. I am really trying to get him to come to the middle on this, but he denied in court witnessing ANY change in DS behavior when he was staying with him for extended periods of time.
I need to be explicit, before December of last year my DS had spent a total of 5% of his life alone with my ex. He is now spending 50% because of a court order based on the fact I moved 120 miles away from where I had been living, before my ex even lived in my state and before we had ANYTHING filed with the state.
doula mama to my turtle love, with a who came when he wanted 9/12/09, 33w 5d, NICU strongman!.