Just called his mother -- was that a mistake?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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STBX just left here after watching the kids for 3 days. Our separation is very new (about 10 days) and when I asked him what he was doing for $$ (he has no job), he said he was going to lean on his mom. He has spent $10k on credit cards in the past 2 weeks buying stuff he wanted (guitars, etc) and it really didn't seem right to me that he was going to lean on his parents who live hand to mouth for gas money when they have no idea about any of this. So I called MIL -- turns out he hasn't told her anything about what's going on with us, just that we are separating, and he needs $$. I told her everything that was going on (in a very "I care about him but I don't know what to do" way). She was very thankful to me for calling her and said she will send me $$ instead of him (which I told her not to do) and said she was going to have a talk with him.

Now I feel like I might have been overstepping to do this... he's going to be PISSSSSSED!!!! But I wanted to communicate with her because I didn't want him to be villianizing me to his family and telling them half truths and lies. Also I don't think it's fair how he is manipulating things and thinking he can get away with it.
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#2 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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He has spent $10k on credit cards in the past 2 weeks buying stuff he wanted (guitars, etc)
AHey, desperate times call for desperate measures.
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#3 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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First you need to cancel any joint credit cards ASAP.

Second, yes, it was a mistake to contact his mom. I say that with love, really. Wouldn't you be ticked if he called your mom? Anyway, just shake it off and move on and don't do it again.

He is more than likely going to tell his family that you're a shrew or whatever makes him look good to his family. You're likely going to do the same with yours, right? You each will need your family for support. Not that you shouldn't have a good relationship with his family-- obviously that's beneficial to everyone. But right now they are his support, not yours. And it sounds like he's going to need support to get through this.

You can't control what he says or doesn't say to his family or friends. Just focus on yourself and your kids. Behave with integrity and with the best interest of your kids in mind and always take the high road.
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#4 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 04:47 PM
 
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This is JMO, but the night STBX freaked out at me to the point where I ran away to a local social clinic with DD in her stroller, the first thing I did after talking to the social worker was call his mother. We had a wonderful hour-long conversation where she told me the truth about a lot of things I didn't know; she also told me to get myself and my daughter away from her son. It was an eye-opening conversation and strengthened the bond between my ex-MIL and I. Even now, a good 4 months after my separation, I'm on very good terms with her, we talk regularly and I make sure she has lots of pictures of DD.

Yes, your STBX will probably freak out. Mine did. He later cut off all contact with his family. Then again, he'd been abusing them verbally for years and they were glad for the break.

However, now that you've said your peace, it's probably best to leave things alone. He can say and do whatever he wants; it's not your job to "save" his family from him or to manage his family relationships for him. If his mom wants to contact you further, and you are ok with this, then fine, develop your relationship with her as separate as possible from your STBX.

JMO...
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#5 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wouldn't you be ticked if he called your mom?
Actually, if he called my mom, I wouldn't be mad. I'd be glad that he cared enough to communicate with someone...

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However, now that you've said your peace, it's probably best to leave things alone. He can say and do whatever he wants; it's not your job to "save" his family from him or to manage his family relationships for him. If his mom wants to contact you further, and you are ok with this, then fine, develop your relationship with her as separate as possible from your STBX.

JMO...
I won't contact her again. She said she will call me, but we shall see, and I don't expect (or want) anything from her. One of the reasons i called was because the last time I saw her something bad happened (she left pills out where my daughter could get to them and I wound up having to take her to the hospital). They were gone when I got home from that, and we never had a chance to talk about it. So, I wanted to let her know that I wasn't mad about that anymore and at least clear the air with whatever is going to happen from here. After I said that, she asked ME what was going on because he hasn't told her anything except that we are separating. I felt that she should know what is really going on since I know he won't tell her the whole truth. I also remember how it was when his brother got divorced a few years back... I won't get into that, but I felt like I needed to talk to her at least once...
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#6 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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Yes, you overstepped. If he is your STBX, then she is soon-to-be not your family at all. What he tells his family and his friends is not your business. And now you've inserted yourself into his family dynamic about this and possibly caused trouble within his family.

I know this is all fresh for you, and you clearly meant no harm, but it's best now to leave them be. And her sending money to you instead of her son is beyond creepy. I know it's common for some moms to pick their former daughters-in-law over their own sons, but in my book that's tearing up a family and is wrong. He deserves the support of his family just like you deserve the support of yours.

Don't beat yourself up -- it's a very emotional time right now. Just remember they are his family, and not yours anymore.

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#7 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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I don't know - I don't think it sounds as if he deserves his family's support, because he is taking such advantage of them financially. I don't think it's equal.

I think it makes sense why you contacted her, OP. It doesn't sound like you're trying to insert yourself, just a one-time thing to clear the air as the family dynamic shifts as you separate. And it might be a good thing to have her to have at least heard your side; as well, she probably appreciates knowing what his true deal is financially, if they're as strapped as you say.
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#8 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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Yes, you overstepped. If he is your STBX, then she is soon-to-be not your family at all.

Just remember they are his family, and not yours anymore.
Really?? My ex's family are still my family. And not by choosing me over him.

OP, I wouldn't call them again with this type of info. You've warned them, they know, they choose what to do now.

And you learn to let go of lies or half-truths that could be told. You have no control over so let it go. Sometimes easier said than done, but the alternative will drive you crazy!
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#9 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And her sending money to you instead of her son is beyond creepy.
She offered to do this because he is leaving me with tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt that he racked up on his own and has no way of paying. It is her way of trying to clean up the damage that he did to me and my kids financially, not choosing me over him.



Thanks for everyone's input... He just called me freaking out and screaming at me... I knew it was coming. Fun times.
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#10 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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Just remember they are his family, and not yours anymore.
They're still her kids' grandparents. There's a lot to be said for preserving a friendship, if one exists, and keeping in touch if it's safe to do so.
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#11 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:42 PM
 
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She offered to do this because he is leaving me with tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt that he racked up on his own and has no way of paying. It is her way of trying to clean up the damage that he did to me and my kids financially, not choosing me over him.



Thanks for everyone's input... He just called me freaking out and screaming at me... I knew it was coming. Fun times.


Ummmm he left you with $$$$$ in debt and HE's freaking out on YOU?

PLEASE tell me you don't feel bad about calling his mother. HE totally deserved it.

 

 

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#12 of 23 Old 02-25-2010, 07:59 PM
 
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She offered to do this because he is leaving me with tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt that he racked up on his own and has no way of paying. It is her way of trying to clean up the damage that he did to me and my kids financially, not choosing me over him.
You need to file for separation or divorce to stop the financial bleeding and make sure he is responsible for half the debt. But before you do that close all your joint accounts.
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#13 of 23 Old 02-26-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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Ummmm he left you with $$$$$ in debt and HE's freaking out on YOU?

PLEASE tell me you don't feel bad about calling his mother. HE totally deserved it.

Mom to :...and maybe thinking about one more...
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#14 of 23 Old 02-26-2010, 08:51 PM
 
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They're still her kids' grandparents. There's a lot to be said for preserving a friendship, if one exists, and keeping in touch if it's safe to do so.
Yes, they are her kids' family, but not her family. Just like her STBX will be the kids' family, but no longer her family. The kids get two families.

And there may be a place for keeping up relations with the former in-laws, but during this time he may want his family all to himself a while. This is reasonable. When I got divorced my then-husband contacted my family, and I was LIVID. He tried to get my own parents to take his side (umm, he was the abuser, and they knew it), and he harassed them. So I felt pretty strongly he should leave my family out of his attacks.

None of this is meant to criticize the OP or to defend her STBX. If he loaded up credit cards like she says, then he's being reckless and, well, pretty much a jerk. The OP is obviously thoughtful enough to ponder whether calling them was best. In general, I'd say it wasn't, but in her case it sounds like her STBX is acting like a child, so maybe telling his mommy is appropriate. I don't know.

But good luck in your separation, OP. It is hard in the best of circumstances, even without him running up debt and yelling at you.

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#15 of 23 Old 02-26-2010, 09:28 PM
 
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I think you did a good thing, but agree to not do it again. I also say that tonight you call and cancel all credit cards and Monday call the bank and close all joint accounts and get new ones in your name only. You must go to the court and file a legal separation so that you won't be responsible for his life crisis spending spree.
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#16 of 23 Old 02-26-2010, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think you did a good thing, but agree to not do it again. I also say that tonight you call and cancel all credit cards and Monday call the bank and close all joint accounts and get new ones in your name only. You must go to the court and file a legal separation so that you won't be responsible for his life crisis spending spree.
I spent the day today sorting through everything... got my name off of all of his credit cards and his off of mine. I opened my own bank acct. I don't think there is a such thing as legal separation in my state and I;m not quite ready to file for divorce yet... Soon though.
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#17 of 23 Old 02-27-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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I spent the day today sorting through everything... got my name off of all of his credit cards and his off of mine. I opened my own bank acct. I don't think there is a such thing as legal separation in my state and I;m not quite ready to file for divorce yet... Soon though.
Unfortunately you are both still responsible for half the debt whether the cards are in your name or his. And he's going to be entitled to half the money in the account in your name. If you decide to divorce all of that stuff is joint no matter whose name is on it. I think it would be better to cancel the cards that have his name. Then at least he couldn't charge any more on them. Do you have any documentation of when he moved out? You may be able to argue that that is the date of separation and then at least you wouldn't be responsible for debt incurred after. Do you have an e-mail message or something that would have the date on it?
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#18 of 23 Old 02-27-2010, 12:07 PM
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Every situation is different, and "family" can mean more than just who is legally related to you.

My ex got really weird and secretive. If it hadn't been for me talking to his parents, his parents wouldn't have learned that we were divorcing for probably another year or two. Seriously. It's because ex left for another woman. He knew his family would jump his s***, so he just stopped talking to them. He also never told anyone (not even our children) when he got remarried to this woman.

My former in-laws still think of me as their family. I still think of them as my family. I was closer to them than I was to my own parents and other relatives.

I don't think the OP overstepped. If her STBX has nothing to hide, then nothing bad will come of the conversation she had with his mother. As it is, it seems she was partially calling to protect her IL's against being used by their son. They might very well appreciate it.
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#19 of 23 Old 02-27-2010, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Unfortunately you are both still responsible for half the debt whether the cards are in your name or his. And he's going to be entitled to half the money in the account in your name. If you decide to divorce all of that stuff is joint no matter whose name is on it. I think it would be better to cancel the cards that have his name. Then at least he couldn't charge any more on them. Do you have any documentation of when he moved out? You may be able to argue that that is the date of separation and then at least you wouldn't be responsible for debt incurred after. Do you have an e-mail message or something that would have the date on it?
I know that the debt will legally be divided 50/50, although he verbally agreed to take responsibility for all of it (I realize he can change his mind about that and fully expect him to though I hope he doesn't). I am trying to preserve my credit by getting my name off of his accounts and since I am no longer associated with them, I am going to stop worrying about making minimum payments on his.. I was just an "authorized user" and his accounts, so I took my name off and they assured me it will have no bearing on my credit. I have no authority to close these accounts -- he is the only one who can do that. They are all maxed out anyway, he can't charge anything else. I took his name off of all of my accounts and made sure he cannot access them to charge anything else.

Putting the bank account in my name is to make sure that he doesn't take out the money I need to pay the mortgage, etc. I am not going to have my paychecks continue to be direct deposited into an account that he has access to and risk him draining it and leaving me no way to pay my bills. He hasn't done that yet, but obviously he is desperate and I can't trust him. We don't have extra $$, so it's not like there is a lot to be divided up.

As fa as when he moved out ... I'm not sure exactly what the line is for that. He is staying at his brother's house while I am home, but his stuff is still here and he comes to watch the kids while I work. He's more like a runaway right now. I don't know what is considered "moving out."
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#20 of 23 Old 02-27-2010, 01:29 PM
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I know that the debt will legally be divided 50/50, although he verbally agreed to take responsibility for all of it....
Not necessarily. When my ex and I split up, he agreed to take responsibility for about 3/4 of our combined debt, and that's what was written in our divorce decree. It listed specifically which accounts he would be responsible for, and which accounts I would be responsible for.
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#21 of 23 Old 02-27-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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Putting the bank account in my name is to make sure that he doesn't take out the money I need to pay the mortgage, etc. I am not going to have my paychecks continue to be direct deposited into an account that he has access to and risk him draining it and leaving me no way to pay my bills. He hasn't done that yet, but obviously he is desperate and I can't trust him. We don't have extra $$, so it's not like there is a lot to be divided up.

"
You might also run a credit report on yourself to make sure he has not opened any accounts you don't know about. You can run one on him too. All you need is a Soc #. If you do run one on him I believe he can tell that you did it, so you may want to be careful with that. You can get one free per year I believe.

Glad you're being careful about the money. There are too many stories of one person getting cleaned out and taking years to pay off the other person's debt.
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#22 of 23 Old 03-02-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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If I were in your situation, I would have called his mother, too. I think you made the right decision for you. I can understand how some people could think that is overstepping your boundaries, but sometimes you need other people to know what is going on so they can help you protect yourself.

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#23 of 23 Old 03-02-2010, 08:02 PM
 
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I honestly don't see anythingw rong with what you did. I hope everything works out in your favor.
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