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#1 of 9 Old 03-13-2010, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told DH yesterday that I wanted a divorce. This has been a long time coming. We've been together for almost six years, both have kids from previous relationships plus a 4yo together. We've had lots of issues- different ideas raising children, handling money, ect. We were both very committed to making things work, and I feel that those problems were all fixable. BUT he's gotten back into drugs... after a 12 year sobriety... he's been using again for about a year and a half. He told me about it last fall, said he wanted to quit, he was GOING to quit... I thought, okay wow, this sucks but let's get through it! He stayed sober a very short time and then started using again. He left (my idea) for just a week, we seriously talked about splitting up, but I believed him and said give it ONE more try. Well, yesterday, he confessed to me that he's been doing it again.

My first husband was an alcholic, so I understand the whole addiction thing (as well as any non-addict can, I guess) It's a deal breaker for me. DH knows how I feel. He knew what I would do. He keeps saying he's sorry, he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to lose me, but... That's it. It's over. I'm done.

In my mind I've been playing this out for several months now, mostly just coming to terms with it mentally. I'm grieving the loss of a dream. I never thought I'd be a single mother again. I never wanted to be. I've been a SAHM since 4yo DS was born and I loved every minute of it. I'm not happy about having to put him in daycare and rejoin the workforce. I don't even know where to start! What am I supposed to do?

How do I tell my 4yo? He loves his daddy tremendously. DH is not a bad person... just not a person I can be with anymore. What do you say to a 4yo?

I guess I'm just looking for support here... encouragement, advice, just a hug. Assure me that I'm doing the right thing and it'll be okay. TIA
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#2 of 9 Old 03-13-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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What strong boundaries you have. Good for you for sticking to them. It takes a lot of courage to stand your ground and be truthful and honest with yourself as well as your partner regarding the addiction being a dealbreaker. You are creating a healthier family life for your children by leaving.

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#3 of 9 Old 03-13-2010, 10:37 PM
 
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Don't really have any advice but I just wanted to give you a and tell you that I really admire your strength.

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#4 of 9 Old 03-14-2010, 03:49 PM
 
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I know it's hard, but good for you for sticking to your boundries and trying to do right by your children. Going back into the workforce is hard and putting your DS in childcare is hard - but he may really enjoy it. I remember how hard it was to leave the kids and go back to work, but they had a great time in childcare. They got to do all sorts of things I never seemed to have time for (fingerpainting, crafts...)

Keep things age appropriate when talking to your DS. DD#2 was about 3.5 when my ex walked out on us. I just told her that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together anymore. Mostly we just went about our daily routines, when the kids brought it up we talked about it (without putting ex down). I'm not sure if that is the best strategy, but it worked for me. At the time I had a newborn and didn't feel up to doing much but sitting in my room and crying. Getting out of the house and keeping busy really helped.

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#5 of 9 Old 03-15-2010, 12:13 AM
 
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I am going through something similar mazajo, i know the pain and the second guessing. I know you are grieving a dream, but think about the reality. Be very careful what the kids see, remember, monkey see, monkey do. You are strong and keep it up. Recently i made up a list of reasons why my husband is not right for me, i look at it when i start missing him like hell, which is a lot. It is super hard for me being that i am very pregnant and have no other adults to lean on, but i will be damned if i am going to be with a drug user. Like you, this is also a deal breaker for me. I know you can do this. You had 4 good years at home, your child is at a good social age, i agree with others who have said it could be very good to go to daycare. my 2 yr old goes and is super bright and well adjusted. It is helping buffer him against all the crap with his father that is going on. Good luck, i hope you find all the strength you need.
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#6 of 9 Old 03-15-2010, 01:59 AM
 
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Your children will really benefit from seeing their mother do the right thing, as hard as it may be. They may not understand totally now, but one day, they will.

Happy single mama of Girlchild (10) and Boychild (9).
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#7 of 9 Old 03-15-2010, 05:25 AM
 
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I took my time telling my dd what was going on. I left my stbx about a year ago. I moved with my dd's into my parents house. I didn't really explain anything to them at that point, only that mommy and daddy were going to be living is different places for a while. Just a couple of weeks ago I finally decided to tell my dd1, who is 4 1/2 now, that daddy and mommy are not going to be married anymore. She cried and asked me all kinds of questions, but she took it much better than I expected. I think the time she had away from him helped her to adjust and she knows that we are ok without him.

Jenn, future midwife, mama to 2 sweet girls (6/05) and (5/07). 
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#8 of 9 Old 03-15-2010, 09:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies, everybody. It really is helping me. I've been reading through this forums a lot and it's a great help. I so wish that I had a button to push to fast forward six months later and be on the other side of all this.
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#9 of 9 Old 03-15-2010, 10:42 PM
 
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Wow, that must be tough. I just want to encourage you to go with what your heart is telling you to do. Oh, you might have been before but Al-Anon is awesome.
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