He's getting married to the other woman - update 12 - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 32 Old 03-25-2010, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I had no idea it would make me so upset to find out they are getting married. He left me for her while I was pregnant nearly four years ago. After a bitter and expensive and horribly nasty custody case, we're finally kind of settled into our visitation routines, etc. He sent me an email asking me to switch a weekend in a few months so he could have ds for his wedding. I must have re-read it ten times before I just completely fell apart.

I'm trying to figure stuff out now, logistically, about how, or if, this affects anything custody-wise. We have a hearing in May to review child support (he lost his job and is now in school, so they cut his child support). They have a much higher standard of living, double income (he's getting about 600/week in unemployment, but they were making decent 6-figures together while I was living off food stamps and child support, searching for work). Is he required to factor in her income when deciding child support? They've basically been living as a married couple for a while: he's on her insurance, they travel extensively together, etc.

Is there anything else I need to think about? Will she have any different role, legally, now?

Insight, tips, anything welcome.
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#2 of 32 Old 03-25-2010, 11:30 PM
 
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Oh my... cant even imagine. My ex left me for another woman - who is still going through her divorce... but I really never even entertained the idea that they might get married - and when I read your email I started having a panic attack... So no advice - but I sure hope you share how you get through so I can file it away, just in case
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#3 of 32 Old 03-25-2010, 11:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my... cant even imagine. My ex left me for another woman - who is still going through her divorce... but I really never even entertained the idea that they might get married - and when I read your email I started having a panic attack... So no advice - but I sure hope you share how you get through so I can file it away, just in case
hugs
Yeah, I didn't ever think they'd get married. Hadn't even thought about it. My friends have no idea why this has upset my life so much. It's not that I care about him or wish it were me... it's just that everything is flooding back from my horrible pregnancy, knowing he was out with someone else. And here I am, four years later, alone, no one to come home with, no real relationship since him. It's just a lot to hit at one time.
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#4 of 32 Old 03-26-2010, 04:02 AM
 
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I can totally understand. Mine didn't leave until my youngest turned 2 (2 days after her bday. what a present, eh?) and had to wait till his mistress turned 18 to marry her! (ya, that's right) so, there was more time to get used to the idea, at least. My kids were old enough at that point to understand he was getting married and, though their feelings were mixed, generally want to attend. I didn't have a good reason not to let them...if the courts didn't think the abuse was a good enough reason to distance them the rest of the time, they certainly wouldn't have liked it coming across their desks that the kids didn't attend the wedding. It's all a big game to the courts. Facts, figures, data. They don't care anything about the lives of the people they effect. They just have too many cases to bother thinking that deeply about them.

My experience with legalities is maybe less than uplifting, but I'll share it anyway as a hearty warning to get your crud in order and remember that you should be playing to win, not to be fair. My kids are lucky to be alive today because I was so caught up on being fair and reasonable. There's a time for that, but divorce issues aren't it. ...she had no custodial rights, technically, but the court did show more favortism toward them once they were married. She was allowed to be alone with my kids with no say on my part (even though I had sole legal and physical custody) and his past criminal and abuse issues became less and less important to the court the longer he was married. After a couple years, he was able to claim I'd made up everything and he had just "let me have my way because it was easier" even in matters I wasn't involved in....because the court wanted so badly to see the married couple as perfect and the single mom as a deadbeat. She was able to use his visitation time on her own (because he always avoided it) occasionally at first, but once they had a kid it was the standard.

No, they didn't figure her income at all in child support. So, he worked part time to almost nothing while she worked more than full time. When the court started talking about making him pay more because he was clearly evading support, he went back to school. That justified not working, in the court's eyes. He was still milking that "student" status after 5 years. He took minimal classes and had an Associates and was just starting to work on a Bachelor at that point...and in a field he was legally restricted from ever working in. I can only assume the long term plan was to discover child molesters were "discriminated" against in education fields and go back to school again at that point. The kids would have been done with college themselves by the time he finished school and "was able" to get a real job. He passed away before we could find out for sure what clever tricks he had up his sleeve for the long term, though.

Be angry. Cry. Yell. Get it out of your system. Try not to do it around other people, if you can help it...because that always comes back to bite you in the butt. But let yourself feel what you feel. It's going to cloud up your mind and make you make stupid mistakes that can be very long lasting. Do what you need to do to work through it all. When I finally dealt with everything (years later, and not until after he died. I shouldn't have waited that long!) I drank until I threw up...and then drank some more. And I don't drink...like, ever, at ALL! That was my first drink in over 10 years. I was a monster for an evening. It was great. I purged all the crap, and felt refreshed in a way I haven't since I met the man! I don't recommend that particular method...but do what you need to. Once you have a clear mind, you can focus on moving forward, being the clever one yourself, and finding the way or the mindset that turns this into something positive in your children's lives...and just stupid background fluff in your own.

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#5 of 32 Old 03-26-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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Mine will most likely be marrying his mistress soon. they have been together for 10 years. (we have been divorced for 2....). I am beside myself. but I do not think it will change anything. unless he moves to be with her. I am really surprised she hasn't moved here. I don't know what is going to happen but I can totally understand why this hit you so hard.

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#6 of 32 Old 03-27-2010, 04:24 PM
 
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This sounds like a really hard situation

Don't mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it; if unfair, keep from irritation; if it is ignorant, smile; if it is justified it is not criticism, learn from it.
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#7 of 32 Old 03-27-2010, 04:34 PM
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BTDT. Sorry for you. My ex was remarried before the ink on our divorce decree was dry. It's awful, I know. My boys were 9 and 12 at the time, so they were painfully aware of all the dirty details, seeing as their dad moved out of our house and directly into hers. He also didn't bother to tell the children that he'd married the woman. We found out months later (they had moved out of state for military reassignment).

Step-parents do not have any legal rights nor obligations to their step-children. That includes monetary support, which is why a step-parent's income is not calculated into child support. Neither my ex's wife's income nor my DH's income is considered in our child support agreement.
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#8 of 32 Old 03-27-2010, 06:51 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, mama. I know this isn't easy.

I don't have any advice, just sympathy and understanding. I'm going through a similar thing, though I'm at an earlier stage. My stbx left me 5 months ago for an ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago, the one he had been with two girlfriends before me. They began an affair sometime last fall, and his announcement hit me like a wall of bricks. I know they want to get married, my guess is a.s.a.p., but here we have a mandatory year long separation before filing for divorce. The whole thing is killing me for a bunch of reasons, though there is no way I'd ever want to be with him again- I am so done. All of my friends keep telling that they'll never last (they both have mental health issues, live in different cities, whatever), but I'm bracing myself for them getting married at some point. I don't care that much about them being together, but the thought of her having any influence on my kids is a nightmare to me.

Hugs, mama. s

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#9 of 32 Old 03-28-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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Her income has no bearing on child support. She's not the parent, he is.

As for your ex's income. You can ask that he be imputed to what he was making if he has decided not to work full-time anymore. Just because he chooses to go to college doesn't make the expenses of the child go down.

As for his next ex-wife and custody, she has no legal standing at all when it comes to your child.
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#10 of 32 Old 03-30-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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I'm sorry mama. Mine is probably headed to the alter with his too. I had no idea he was cheating though before the separation. I am grateful to her for taking him off my hands but still hurt even though he has cheated before and I'm thru with him. Weird, huh how those feelings activate. I chalk it up to being such a loyal wife and taking my committments SO seriously.

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts bad.
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#11 of 32 Old 03-30-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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((hugs))

As for asking more child support talk to your lawyer. With this economy -- school might be the only option. We have more than one friend having issues because their ex's income went down greatly through lay offs. The ex's are going to school because getting a new job is impossible with their skills. We know one that made herself look really bad in court.

Other's have contingency plans (upon graduation with in reasonable time) for child support to be reevaluated. In our friends case it is no other option for job retraining or being stuck in minimum wage jobs, which doesn't help you children either.
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#12 of 32 Old 09-16-2010, 09:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, their wedding is in two days. DS is with them, and it totally breaks me apart that my little boy is witnessing the marriage of two people who built their relationship at the expense of me and my family.

I don't want to tell any of my friends how upset I am over this. It was years ago. He left me for her when I was pregnant, and I've come so far since then... But in order to get through my pregnancy in one piece, I disconnected from my emotions about this, and I feel like I'm going through it for the first time now.

I just wanted to update and get this off my chest. I'm pretty much just isolating and trying to get through this without completely falling apart.
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#13 of 32 Old 09-16-2010, 09:45 PM
 
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I understand. Its my guess my xh will coerce my children into participating (not just witnessing) the unholy union of him and the mistress. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Its not that I care if they get married or whatever,. I am so over him. and her. and all of it. but for my kids to be there! agh.

I am sorry you don;t have in friends who understand. If you lived around here we would hang out and drink copious amounts of alcohol.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#14 of 32 Old 09-16-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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#15 of 32 Old 09-16-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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I wish i could give you a real hug! Do you have even one friend you can turn to and say "this weekend is killing me, I need to be kept busy"?
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#16 of 32 Old 09-16-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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Ugh, I'm SO sorry TearyCloud. I don't have any insight but I do want to offer my sympathy. That really sucks. I hope a few months from now the pain won't be as sharp.
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#17 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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DS September 2008 and DD September 2010
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#18 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 01:24 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. Nurture yourself this weekend. Let it be a weekend of letting go and grieving since it sounds like you didn't really get that before. However you need to get through this, do it so that you can come out stronger when your DS returns home.
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#19 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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I am so so sorry. Your pain, sadness, and anger are totally understandable. I would be feeling the same. My stbx left me for someone else and apparently they are already talking about marriage. It totally disgusts me. If that day ever comes I know I will feel the same as you. I want to start venting about why it is so wrong. But I'll just leave you with lots of hugs

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#20 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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Is he required to factor in her income when deciding child support?
Usually not, but some states are starting to do this. Your states' laws regarding this should be available online. Many times, even if a NCP is unemployed, the court will at least assume they're capable of earning minimum wage and base C/S on that, rather than crediting the NCP with zero income. But if there's a significant history of your ex being capable of earning significantly more than minimum wage - and his new wife's income appears to be enabling him to prolong his unemployment - that is certainly worth bringing up in court. The judge usually has some level of discretion, in calculating C/S.

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Will she have any different role, legally, now?
No. The only possible exception regards "Right of First Refusal", which basically says that, if a parent can't care for the child during their parenting time, the other parent has the right to keep the child, if they want to - regardless of the schedule. In many places, there's an exception, where family members (or, in IN, it's "anyone who lives in the same household") can step in for the parent, as long as it doesn't exceed a specific number of hours. (In other words, if Dad's detained at work, Grandma or Aunt Linda [on Dad's side] could pick up his son for him, at the start of his parenting time - and Mom would be violating the rules, if she didn't allow it. But if Dad will be out of town for his entire weekend visit, Dad can't leave his son with Grandma, if Mom is available and wants to have him.)

Soooo.... depending what the rules are where you live, your ex's new wife might be allowed to watch your child for part of your ex's parenting time - even if you'd rather keep the child with you - whereas your wishes might have taken priority, before.

But, regardless what the "Right of First Refusal" law is, where you are, I hope you'll try to be reasonable about that kind of thing, anyway. Your heartache is quite understandable. But it doesn't benefit anyone - least of all not your child - if you look for every opportunity to "throw the book at" your ex, as many angry divorced people do. There will probably be times that he has his new wife pick up your child from school for him, on his visitation days; or has her "babysit" for an hour on his weekend, while he works out at the gym; and he's probably going to bring her to the school play and soccer games. Try to handle this in a way that lets everyone - including yourself - be impressed with your class and grace; instead of making everyone - including your child - uncomfortable and upset.

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#21 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.
Here's what I don't understand--how could ANY woman be with a man who is still with someone else AND has kids? If I REALLY had to--I guess I could understand how a girl could date a married guy with NO kids--but WITH kids?
OR PREGNANT????? Is there NO level of guilt or shame that is associated with the behavior of people today???? How does a person sleep at night KNOWING that the pregnant wife is home alone??? That there is a BABY on the way??? Is there NO humanity any more???? Please help me to understand the level of just PURE evil that this takes. On BOTH their parts. Really.

May there be a hurricane worse than Katrina on their "holy" (or should I say HOLEY) day.
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#22 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 08:39 PM
 
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The conclusions I have come to, purely speculation of course.

1. She has no self esteem and thinks this is the best she can do.
2. He is lying through his teeth to her and she really wants to believe him.
3. She is willing to believe a lie. A lie like "we are tsill married but the marriage is over"
4. She feels really special because here is this guy who loves her so much that he is willing to choose her over his WIFE and FAMILY and self respect and intergity and dignity. What girl wouldn't be a little flattered by that? I mean, you must really be something if a guy will choose you over his wife right?
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The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#23 of 32 Old 09-17-2010, 09:07 PM
 
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that:
No kidding. You just know that guy's not out there telling everyone about his beautiful, hardworking, wonderful, long suffering wife. He's telling them that she's the c***wh***b*tchfrom h*ll and that she's frigid and he's only there cause he loves his kids soooooooo much.
Sorry...I'm bitter. My dad was a cheater and I suspect cheating with my STBX
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#24 of 32 Old 09-18-2010, 12:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've wondered for years now how she could possibly ever think that it was OK to be with a guy who would do that. I know he told her I was b@tsh!t insane (which, after I found out about her, I kinda was) and he must have told her how hard it was to be with someone like me... but what kind of woman would trust a guy who kicks out a pregnant woman with nowhere to go and just moves in the new girlfriend?

I suppose that if nothing else comes out of this for me, at least I know exactly what to look for if I date a guy with children. The second he says a bad thing about the mom, I'm out of there.

Thank you for the kind words. Ex had ds call me from some big party tonight. I thought I was going to be sick, and I had to just act so normal. Ugh.
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#25 of 32 Old 09-18-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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I also wonder about the people who go to those weddings. I mean I know some of the people don't know what happened but what about the ones who do? The ones who stand up and say with their presence "Well this whole affair business worked out well. welcome to the family. I guess we can stop calling you "the mistress" and start calling you daughter" I mean really, are they not just as sick as the cheater and the home wrecker in question. People get away with affairs and live happily ever after because everyone seems so supportive and accepting of it. I don't think my xh has lost any standing with friends or family and it appears his girlfriend (the woman formerly know as "the mistress") is being welcomed with open arms. Well, good grief, why not cheat? Everything seems to be coming up roses. He got rid of the crazy wife, the mistress slid seamlessly into his extended family (hey there is an empty chair at the table now anyway right, no need to skip a beat), none of his friends or family seem to think less of him (he is riding on the wave of non custodial dad superhero status, we talked about this in another thread, about how low the bar is), and he gets to be in public with the mistress now. its win win win win.

meh, I am going to go vomit now. Its what I like to do after thinking about them together. cleanses the palate.
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#26 of 32 Old 09-18-2010, 08:40 PM
 
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I also wonder about the people who go to those weddings. I mean I know some of the people don't know what happened but what about the ones who do? The ones who stand up and say with their presences "Well this who affair business worked out well. welcome to the family. I guess we can stop calling you "the mistress" and start calling you family" I mean really, are the not just as sick as the cheater and the home wrecker in question. People get away with affairs and live happily ever after because everyone seems so supportive and accepting of it. I don't think my xh has lost any standing with friends or family and it appears his girlfriends (the woman formerly know as "the mistress") is being welcomed with open arms. Well, good grief, why not cheat? Everything seems to be coming up roses. He got rid of the crazy wife, the mistress slid seamlessly into his extended family (hey there is an empty chair at the table now anyway right, no need to skip a beat), none of his friends or family seem to think less of him (he is riding on the wave of non custodial dad superhero status, we talked about this in another thread, about how low the bar is), and he gets to be in public with the mistress now. its win win win win.

meh, I am going to go vomit now. Its what I like to do after thinking about them together. cleanses the palate.
OMG--this is SO true! My x RAN home to his crazy parents and family--that he formerly hated--and they did the same thing. And he seems to have lost NO ONE in the process of literally walking out on his two LITTLE kids and his wife of 20 years! A wife, by the way, who was a good person--didn't spend money, didn't cheat, didn't leave so much as a dirty sock on the floor, or drank too much at parties! I'm by no means perfect--but his biggest complaint (that I've heard so far) is that I'm "mean". When was that? Angry once in a while, yes (and with good reason)--but mean? Really? This from a guy who is looking for a way out and needed to pin something on me. LOL. Insane! Even the kids (who are little, buy my dd is pretty intuitive and savvy) said (when they heard him yell at me and then stomp out of the house one morning over the summer, screaming "you have been so mean!")... both said: Daddy is the mean one, he left us! From the mouths...

You know what I think--they should remake that movie with Glen Close and the butcher knife--and the rabbit in the pot on the stove. Oh, what was that movie--oh yeah, Fatal Attraction. It should be like some type of marital prerequisite for all engaged people to watch--an allegory of sorts (even if it doesn't really happen like that--at least it will scare some of these men to keep in their pants once in a while).
Why do we, as a society and as individuals, play along with this kind of thing (i.e., attending a wedding or party of those who betrayed their families but are now together)?
If that woman were my friend, I'd be nailing a big scarlet "A" on her front door and spitting on her doormat as I walked away.

And I LOVE the remark made earlier about nasty comments about x-wives as a warning sign. That's one for me to take note of for my own future--in case I ever do meet anyone again! Thanks for that serious gem of advice--that's a keeper for certain!
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#27 of 32 Old 09-18-2010, 09:54 PM
 
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I also wonder about the people who go to those weddings. I mean I know some of the people don't know what happened but what about the ones who do? The ones who stand up and say with their presences "Well this who affair business worked out well. welcome to the family. I guess we can stop calling you "the mistress" and start calling you family" I mean really, are the not just as sick as the cheater and the home wrecker in question. People get away with affairs and live happily ever after because everyone seems so supportive and accepting of it. I don't think my xh has lost any standing with friends or family and it appears his girlfriends (the woman formerly know as "the mistress") is being welcomed with open arms. Well, good grief, why not cheat? Everything seems to be coming up roses. He got rid of the crazy wife, the mistress slid seamlessly into his extended family (hey there is an empty chair at the table now anyway right, no need to skip a beat), none of his friends or family seem to think less of him (he is riding on the wave of non custodial dad superhero status, we talked about this in another thread, about how low the bar is), and he gets to be in public with the mistress now. its win win win win.

meh, I am going to go vomit now. Its what I like to do after thinking about them together. cleanses the palate.

Yeah, it's funny.. I'm still friends with my cheating x's sisters and they always have told me that they didn't get a good feeling from my x's affair partner... my/our group of friends tho, That's different b'c none of them came to me to tell me that the affair was happening and seems that most of them even would hang out with *her* when my x and she went to a social situation. I've concluded that most of that group that I called my friends for so many years just simply have no inner courage and were trying to avoid conflict. I may feel differently about that, if my x and the other woman were still going strong, but the fizzled shortly after I found out about them and I guess took the excitement of doing something wrong out of the mix. Who knows. If they were on their way to the alter, maybe I'd consider that my old friends really did like her for some reason, but that would be pretty tough to swallow too... especially if they had referred to her as "his mistress" or whatever.

I'm sorry that this still upsets you so much. He sounds like someone pretty unkind and I hope you find what you deserve, which is someone much more loyal and caring and genuine. And also that you find peace and happiness knowing that you're better off without him around you now. He probably gave you a big gift by letting you go on to find a life without him. I can't seem to word this reply "right" so I'll stop now... I just wanted to say that I understand and I'm sorry that you and other pp's in this thread have been hurt. I was really hurt, now a few years after the fact, I think it was a huge blessing, even if it hurt like nothing else for so long.

"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#28 of 32 Old 09-18-2010, 10:49 PM
 
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Hey, TearyCloud, how are you doing tonight? I hope you are hanging in there
(((())))

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#29 of 32 Old 07-30-2011, 11:04 PM
 
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I would not believe this if it didn't happen to me.....

I was indecisive about being with "him"

I broke it off with him.

Then I found out I was pregnant. He told me he was seeing someone else.

At that time I told him we could co-parent, then it hit me I wanted us to be a family.

He never gave me a straight answer, whether he was going to be with me or not, but we were still affectionate with each other.

He told me he was moving but did not say with her. I found out after the fact when I heard her voice in the background....something told me to ask him (he said yes)

.....He never told me (that he was getting married), until 1 week before the wedding which was also 1 week after my birthday.

I was planning my baby shower and he was under the impression that he could invite her. I told him hell f*ing no. He decided that he would not come to the shower.

Something once again told me to make it clear to him that she was not allowed within feet of that hospital when I was giving birth. He said he would respect my wishes.

..... Wouldn't you know it she ended up at the hospital not only that she ended up in my room.

I had to fight so hard to keep from breaking  down. This has been my secret from my family.... I am so embarassed... the father of my child got married to someone  else while I was pregnant!!!! How could I ever reveal this to them.

Its tearing me apart inside.... I still love him soooooo much... I think about him all day everyday.

He tries to include his wife in every way.

I told him this is so hard for me and that I need him to wait until the wounds are not still so fresh.... (he still shows me affection) this is why it is so hard to get over him.

 

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#30 of 32 Old 10-13-2011, 11:35 PM
 
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Dear Teary Cloud, Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I am going through the same thing right now except I am 3 months pregnant and going through this all by myself. I feel like the past 7 months of my life have been a complete lie. I feel like I never knew him at all and that he was never truly mine. He was sleeping with a client (he's a trainer) who is 43 with 2 older children. I am 28 and this is my (and his) first child. He always had a reputation for being a playboy but I truly thought I changed him. What a joke. Today he sent me a text after I confronted this lady by text and he told me to please not threaten her again in any way. (I let her have a piece of my mind, I didn't threaten her) He told me he cared about her deeply and loved her. Even more, she sent me a text message he sent her saying that he wishes this was their child and he wishes and dreamed of calling her his wife. Same exact stuff he told me. On Wednesday I heard the baby's heart beat and now I do not know if I can go on with this pregnancy because I know he will make my life a living hell for as long as the baby is a minor. I am thinking of having an abortion but I feel like this is all too real now because I just heard the sound of the baby's heart for the first time two days ago.... I am so lost and so depressed but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I wish I could create a single mommy club in my area and help all the single mommy's just like me. We need to be helping each other, giving each other support. I truly wish you the very best. I hope you get everything your heart desires.
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