Have you been reported to child protective services for the simple fact that you are a single mother? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am rip roaring mad that I have been reported by my child's daycare because i told them i was having a hard time packing, painting, moving, and selling stuff to pay for the move AND take care of a toddler at the same time. I asked them if he could come monday to friday until we were finished moving. Being that moving is hard for ANYONE, nevermind a solo parent who is 7 months pregnant, i think that this was a reasonable request. Apparently not. They called child protective services and told them that i looked haggered, and my child has been sick for a long time! OMG, i cannot believe that crap! If my kid has been so sick, how come i have not ONCE received a phone call from the daycare to pick him up? He was sick once, on that occasion i kept him home. I do not look so haggered. I had highlights in my hair that have grown out a bit. I have been waiting until i have the extra $100 to have them retouched. Guess not now, because i went and got a box of dye to blend it myself so they do not think i am neglecting my kids. My chocolate brown hair turned out black and now i really look like crap! I think they said my son has been sick because they had to make their phone call look credible.

So, instead of focusing on moving, i now have to make sure everything in my life looks perfect AND i have to be able to sell things, move, paint, and everything! This social worker is scheduled to come on my son's birthday. I called her voicemail and said "No way, you are not coming on his birthday. I will not have child welfare at our house on that day to put a damper on his birthday." i have yet to hear back.

So she wants to come when everything in my life is in upheaval. I mean really, have any of you moved with 4 kids, pregnant, with no money to pay a mover? It is not easy.

So i asked for the help i needed, to keep my toddler out of my hair so i could work faster, and now i have to work on hiding any sign of stress or imperfection to satisfy these nosey people.

Another thing is the ex, well he is kind of a trouble maker. If he catches wind of this report, he will use it against me when i go for sole custody of our children, which i plan on doing in the next few months.

If it was a married woman saying her son needed to be at the center 2 extra days a week for only 3 weeks so her family could prepare to and accomplish a move, they would not have been called. They even lied about his being sick. There has to be some kind of law against that. I am going to find out about that. Lying to child protection because a mother looks tired! ARGGGG!!!

Has anyone gone through this?
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#2 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 02:22 PM
 
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So sorry you are going through this.
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#3 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 02:28 PM
 
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Social services might be able to hook you up with some supports.
I knew a woman who had the same thing happen, she was alone with two kids, social services provided her with 48 hours a month in babysitting funds.

A social worker can "work for you" not just work against you, even in custody issues, she will say the house was nice, the kids well fed etc.

sorry that sounded way too rosy I just wanted to say they can be your worst nightmare or best support. (haven't heard much inbetween) Ask a lot of questions, speak to the claims of the daycare only. You are allowed to look harried, to not have your hair done right, it doesn't make you a better mother to have a better manicure (actually probably the opposite) On my best days I can't put my eyeliner on straight.

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#4 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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Be careful! I thought Children's services would help me, especially when they saw my home and my daughter's straight A/O report card, and found out I am a fifth grade teacher. I was LIED to my face: "we don't want to take your daughter away from you" I found out at an ex parte custody hearing that they reccommended my daughter to go to her father! Luckily I dodged the bullet and she's still with me. I regret showing anger at the situation, which was really at my ex because I know he called and told them a bunch of lies! but don't show that face at all is my advice. I almost lost my little girl because I didn't agree and stood up for myself.
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#5 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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I'd suggest not having them over alone, have a friend or family member that you trust there to take notes, or at the very least video tape it or audio tape it. They might offer you help or hell.
Protect yourself, do not sign anything and if you have to sign a form put a date end on the permission - such as they have permission to speak with your GP tomorrow only about matters that concern your children's immediate welfare but not at any later date - no fishing.

8 might be enough
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#6 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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that is rediculas, sorry you are going through this.

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#7 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 05:58 PM
 
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How do you know it's the daycare center?

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#8 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#9 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 06:11 PM
 
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could have been your x pretending to be the daycare...

8 might be enough
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#10 of 23 Old 03-28-2010, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your supports and suggestions. I will audiotape everything, thanks for the suggestion. I will speak to any and all claims made, i have already done that on the phone, but will do it in person as well. I know i do not have to look perfect, but damn near, so does my house which is in shambles because we are ripping through everything.

my 14 yr old wants to stay home from school tomorrow and help me get some of the furniture sanded and stained and get some stuff up for sale. It can be our quality time. Once in awhile, like once, maybe twice a year, i keep a kid home for mom and kid time. I bet child protective services will have a problem with this, but they can kiss my ---. I know it is not out of line to do that once in awhile.


I take great pride in my son, i work very hard with him. he is higher than average in skills and intelligence. I am sure i am going to get in trouble for sleep sharing.

I know it was the daycare because i asked what the complaints were about me and the social worker talked about a young child. All my other children are older and, well yeah, it was the center all right. I so want to give them a piece of my mind, but will have to hold off.

i know they are not there to help me. i do not need their help anyway.i have no problem asking for what i need, and it sure is not them. It was extra daycare so i could pack, but i sure will think twice about that in the future, that is for sure.
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#11 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 12:51 PM
 
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You MUST have a crib!! Or toddler bed (in your room is fine). DO NOT ADMIT TO ANYTHING and that includes co-sleeping. SERIOUSLY. They WILL continue an investigation for co-sleeping. Now is NOT the time for preaching about parenting practices.

If they don't see anything to be concerned about, it will go no further than the initial interview. Send your DS to school. Keep him home after the interview.

They should understand that moving with lots of kids, while single and pregnant is ok. Point out that your toddler hasn't been sick enough to be picked up from daycare.

Be nice. Cheerful even. Tell them that everything is great, just a bit hectic from getting ready to move. Brag about your kids, how great they are, how much FUN they are, how they LOVE doing x,y,z, etc. Interact positively with them while the social worker is there (if the kids are home). They will probably come in the evening since that is when people are home.

They will not tell you who called, but they will tell you what the allegations are. Act like its ridiculous. "why would anyone say that about me? Everyone knows how much I love my kids!" Give them names and phone numbers to call - warn these people ahead of time - people who will say WONDERFUL things about your parenting and how much you love your babies.

Also - can this be a tactic your ex is using to get custody? (it usually fails, but its a tactic thats used often) If its possible, TELL THEM THAT!!! They HATE to be used for custody sh**.
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#12 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 12:59 PM
 
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You MUST have a crib!! Or toddler bed (in your room is fine). DO NOT ADMIT TO ANYTHING and that includes co-sleeping. SERIOUSLY. They WILL continue an investigation for co-sleeping. Now is NOT the time for preaching about parenting practices.

If they don't see anything to be concerned about, it will go no further than the initial interview. Send your DS to school. Keep him home after the interview.

They should understand that moving with lots of kids, while single and pregnant is ok. Point out that your toddler hasn't been sick enough to be picked up from daycare.

Be nice. Cheerful even. Tell them that everything is great, just a bit hectic from getting ready to move. Brag about your kids, how great they are, how much FUN they are, how they LOVE doing x,y,z, etc. Interact positively with them while the social worker is there (if the kids are home). They will probably come in the evening since that is when people are home.

They will not tell you who called, but they will tell you what the allegations are. Act like its ridiculous. "why would anyone say that about me? Everyone knows how much I love my kids!" Give them names and phone numbers to call - warn these people ahead of time - people who will say WONDERFUL things about your parenting and how much you love your babies.

Also - can this be a tactic your ex is using to get custody? (it usually fails, but its a tactic thats used often) If its possible, TELL THEM THAT!!! They HATE to be used for custody sh**.
while the bolded I guess is a concern to some... when the CPS worker came to my house she was fine with my son co sleeping. All she was looking for was that my bed had bed rails on both side. She didnt even mention co sleeping being an issue. I guess it depends on the worker you get. so maybe be cautious. same with vaxes. I am doing d&s vaxes and when asked if he was up to date I said yes, his dr and I came up with an alternate schedule that we are up to date on. she left it at that.


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#13 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
while the bolded I guess is a concern to some... when the CPS worker came to my house she was fine with my son co sleeping. All she was looking for was that my bed had bed rails on both side. She didnt even mention co sleeping being an issue. I guess it depends on the worker you get. so maybe be cautious. same with vaxes. I am doing d&s vaxes and when asked if he was up to date I said yes, his dr and I came up with an alternate schedule that we are up to date on. she left it at that.
I would be better safe than sorry. IME they are trained to look for a separate sleeping space for each child in the home.

It's not too hard to pick up a cheap second hand crib or even borrow one for the day from a friend.

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#14 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 01:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by organicpapayamama View Post
while the bolded I guess is a concern to some... when the CPS worker came to my house she was fine with my son co sleeping. All she was looking for was that my bed had bed rails on both side. She didnt even mention co sleeping being an issue. I guess it depends on the worker you get. so maybe be cautious. same with vaxes. I am doing d&s vaxes and when asked if he was up to date I said yes, his dr and I came up with an alternate schedule that we are up to date on. she left it at that.
This I think depends on the state - NOT the worker. In NY (where I live) co-sleeping is one of CPS red flags, and they have posters all over their office about how "he sleeps safer in a crib", "he'll wake up in a crib, but not in the bed with you" etc. I say, better safe than sorry and have a separate place for him to sleep.
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#15 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 02:15 PM
 
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"I will speak to any and all claims made"
Okay make sure they are relevant, like do not answer questions about your sex life, your finances, politics, parenting theories just keep it to the scope of parenting.

8 might be enough
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#16 of 23 Old 03-29-2010, 02:21 PM
 
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I would be better safe than sorry. IME they are trained to look for a separate sleeping space for each child in the home.

It's not too hard to pick up a cheap second hand crib or even borrow one for the day from a friend.
right, thats why I said to be cautious.


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#17 of 23 Old 03-30-2010, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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shiloh, thanks for the many great tips! I do know how they are trained to fish for information. I am glad you reminded me of that.

Thyra, wow, you really gave me a lot, thanks! I have always had a play pen at the end of my bed,and i also have a bed rail, not that anyone needs it. He is two and is more physically mature than that. He gets in and out of the play pen himself and jumps on the bed, he's very agile.

Oragnicpapayamama, yeah, i do hear about sleep sharing being a red flag, i think it is stupid myself. Unless the parents are drunk, then by all means, do not sleep with the child. i did make sure that the bed rail was up.

Thanks all you darling mama's for talking to me.

So here is the thing. She never even showed up! We had an appointment set for 1pm, she did not even call. I have called her a few times in the last few days. I left a message to reschedule last week to a time when it was not my little boy's bday (today) but she did not respond to let me know. So i figured she's be here at the original time, nope, not here, no call. Hmmmmm, i wonder what is up?

It sure sucks having this hanging over my head. I wish someone at child protective services would at least call and let me know.

I am a great mother, i do not really have anything to hide, but i do know how things can be misinterpreted, so i want to make sure there is nothing left to chance, KWIM?

My biggest crime is that i am poor and do not have a functional husband. I have been discriminated against a lot. I really do not like it at all.
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#18 of 23 Old 03-30-2010, 03:30 PM
 
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Sorry you are going through this. I hope they call and let you know what is going on. That is just plain rude to be a no show, especially without a phone call. My blood was boiling for you, while reading. I'm not scared of many things, but the thought of my child being taken away from me sure scares the life out of me. You shouldn't have that looming over your head while going through a move, etc.

Hang in there Mama.

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#19 of 23 Old 03-30-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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I'm not surprised she didn't show at the time she scheduled. She may have gotten an emergency call - since there are no allegations of abuse in your home, you are probably NOT a first priority!

Thats ok. Just try to keep things sane at your house until you hear from her again. She might come unannounced. If she shows up unannounced, don't worry!! Just act normally. If its in the middle of a meal, offer her something to drink (she should decline), ask her to sit down, and continue your dinner conversation!! She'll ask questions, of you and your kids, and just go about it like she's a guest. Don't worry about it!

Most likely, she'll see that you're a great mom, have great kids, love your kids, and will go on her way and not come around again.

Then again, she might not come at all! And if she doesn't, oh well.
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#20 of 23 Old 04-04-2010, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well she did come the next day. She proceeded to tell me a lot about her own life. This is ok in itself, it just shows that i am a very comfortable person to share with. Most people relate to me well. She has no concerns at all, she even admires me and my coping skills. She met only with me, not the children, at my request. i do not want my children to think that there is something wrong with our family, and that is why a social worker has to come over. She says by law she has to meet the kids, but said it was ok if she just came for tea and made it look casual, like a neighbor dropping by. She said, anytime i am ready, call her. As i said, we are in the middle of moving. we are at our newer house now. It is not perfect, but it is cozy, clean, and without a mold problem. BTW, it was not the daycare, nor the ex who reported me, she told me this, she said it was not either of them, but she could not tell me who it was. That only leaves the woman at church whom i had accepted food help from. See, my brakes went and i had only enough money to fix them, or buy food. Being that i had to move, i needed the brakes and looked at other ways to get food for the week. So, when things are all settled at home with moving, i will be talking to her about this.
Some people's children, i tell you, they need a good talking to! Thanks for being there for me ladies, you are super!
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#21 of 23 Old 04-05-2010, 05:26 PM
 
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Well she did come the next day. She proceeded to tell me a lot about her own life. This is ok in itself, it just shows that i am a very comfortable person to share with. Most people relate to me well. She has no concerns at all, she even admires me and my coping skills. She met only with me, not the children, at my request. i do not want my children to think that there is something wrong with our family, and that is why a social worker has to come over. She says by law she has to meet the kids, but said it was ok if she just came for tea and made it look casual, like a neighbor dropping by. She said, anytime i am ready, call her. As i said, we are in the middle of moving. we are at our newer house now. It is not perfect, but it is cozy, clean, and without a mold problem. BTW, it was not the daycare, nor the ex who reported me, she told me this, she said it was not either of them, but she could not tell me who it was. That only leaves the woman at church whom i had accepted food help from. See, my brakes went and i had only enough money to fix them, or buy food. Being that i had to move, i needed the brakes and looked at other ways to get food for the week. So, when things are all settled at home with moving, i will be talking to her about this.
Some people's children, i tell you, they need a good talking to! Thanks for being there for me ladies, you are super!
If someone at your church did this, I would be taking that to the pastor's ASAP! Of all the nerve!
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#22 of 23 Old 04-09-2010, 12:42 AM
 
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You have to be very careful about telling your personal business to schools, hospitals and other government and city agencies. They are weird and always looking for something negative to report parents on. They also do not respect parent's as the primary authority over their children.

My advise is in the future don't talk to these kinds of people about what's going on in your personal life or any stressful situations you may be dealing with. I would have just asked the daycare if they could provide the additional care and not given them a reason why or lied about the reason.
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#23 of 23 Old 04-10-2010, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, i agree yogamami, live and learn. I did not even get into so much detail with them anyway, people gleam and twist things sometimes. As far as who called, i am not 100% sure yet. I do have my suspicions. I do know the daycare or the ex did not.

Now i have the dilemma of help once the baby is born. I have no one to watch my other four children when i go into to have this baby, nor do i have help when i get home. In light of this stupid child welfare crap, i am afraid to ask anyone for help, for anything. My last child had to be in the hospital for a week when he was born because of severe jaundice, i do not like to leave my babies when they are sick, and i DON'T, ever, not even to shower. I might be forced to this time

I wish i had money for a great nanny or helper for the first few weeks. I have a sister who sometimes can help (like helped twice in the last 2 yrs,) but she is very undependable.

I have left our church and will not be going back. I was planning on it for sometimes anyway. I disagree with patriarchy, so i had to leave a very, very patriarchical faith. I am searching others a bit. I always loved Buddhism, and am also looking at nature religions, to an extent.

Does anyone have any ideas on how i can get through the birthing and postpartum periods, in terms of supports, help with the children?

I am going to look into government funding for home healthcare, maybe that might work. My mother worked as a homemaker for a while, when she was alive. I am going to see who funds that. Wish me luck!
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