Companionship Vs. Attraction - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 04-01-2010, 01:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, Mamas!! I have a little problem in my heart and could use some advice! I have been a single Mama for the past 7-8 years. About 3-4 years ago, I decided to date again (or start looking again). I've dated here and there, but never found anyone that has everything I'm looking for- kind, caring, Christian, good values, financially stable, emotionally healthy, etc, etc. Sometimes, I think I'm too picky...

I tried eHarmony and other online dating sites in the past with poor results. Either we'd date once (or 2-4 times) and the guy or myself wouldn't "feel a bond". One guy about 3 hours away (after 2 dates and a span of 7 weeks) decided we lived too far away from eachother, but never hinted that that was a problem. So, lately I've decided that I'd only look for a local fella.

So for the last few weeks I've been talking to this guy and he seems great. Divorced for a couple years (his wife cheated). We've met for lunch 3 times so far. He's Semi-retired (he's 52, I'm 42). He worked for the city for 30 years and recently retired, but wants to get in with the county so he doesn't have to pay for his health insurance (he has it paid for a while w/ his retirement). He's kind and caring, a gentleman, listens to what I have to say, remembers things... Takes me out for lunch, opens doors, pays the bill (although I would be GLAD to help, he insists). All our conversations are pretty easy and comfortable. He's very complimentary.

So you ask- what's the problem? Well, I'm not sure that I'm physically attracted to him. He's not *bad* looking, but he's not a hottie either. He's got a beard and I really don't care for facial hair. He's worn the beard since high school so it's really a part of him... He's a little overweight.

I actually would prefer not to date a hottie (I'm average/cute looking myslelf ) as I would rather not compete. BUT, I did think I'd be attracted to a person I dated. I'm a "take it slow" girl so we haven't kissed more than a good-bye on the cheek so I'm not sure how that will go later!!

Additonally, he's got Diabetes so I am a little concerned that he's maybe not too healthy, but it runs in his family. He's lost 20 pounds recently so he's working on his diabetes and wants to get off his meds when he's thinner (he's 6 foot and 205#). So he's not a sloth by any means.

Anyhow- my question is-- do yuo have to be physically attracted to your mate? Is that necessary?

I guess I don't NEED to worry about this at this point as we have just had a few lunch dates, but I don't want to lead him on and I do like this guy as a person and I would love to have a lifelong companion, BUT it companionship enough?!

Sigh... Thanks for listening and any advice you have would be very, very appreciated!!

Susan- Vegetarian Single Mom to 9 year old twins!!
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#2 of 6 Old 04-01-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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Yes, I think you need to be attracted to a guy you want to be in a long term relationship with. But IME I think it is hard to tell just by the looks. Sometimes a kiss or being intimate really changes how attracted you are to someone. So my advice - knowing that you may not feel it is for you - would be to loosen up a bit on the physical part. Allow a kiss to begin with and see how that feels. If you still feel unattcted then maybe that is your answer. But there is also the possibility that he is just a terrific kisser and that you will be swept away in the moment. Either way you will be wiser afterwards..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#3 of 6 Old 04-02-2010, 02:18 AM
 
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i have two places. a place for a friend. a place for a partner. and they are not the same or interchangeable.

absolutely for me i need physical attraction - connection. i never want to be married 'under false pretentions'. i also have v. close friends who i would definitely NOT date. i love them as friends but if i married them we could go downhill pretty fast.

but not everyone is that way. i know for some its the companionship they desire. not passion

i like to feel desired and welcomed.

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#4 of 6 Old 04-02-2010, 10:58 AM
 
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get away from the checklists and try to fall in love in the future.
I think that as single mamas we think we made a mistake with our hearts the first failed marriage so better think hard and choose with our heads next time,
but without that glue of attraction.....just a thought, if you fall in love...
they might not be that attractive, gosh don't like beards will disappear and instead you'd love the bearc cause its him KWIM.

8 might be enough
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#5 of 6 Old 04-02-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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If this relationship is only a few weeks old, give it more time. I am not talking years or anything. But a few more months. The beard might not matter -- or you grow to like it They can be fun for some of us.

If he is working for a goal and actually doing something about his diabetes then I think you are holding something against him you shouldn't. What if it was you with diabetes. How would you feel about someone having the same attitude about you? What if you were dating or married for years and he developed diabetes or any other diseases. --this guy might not be it but I believe you should evaluate this value.

I think you are trying to answer a question that can take time and knowledge.

Ask your self if you are finding faults for the right reasons? Are you being over judgmental? Is there something else wrong with him and these things just stick out.

Remember perfectly healthy and beauty can change in a moment, car crash, fire, other disease. IMO, you should be asking yourself can you still love him even if there is no physical attraction or he is unable to give back.

These questions take time. A few weeks usually isn't enough time to figure it out. Don't rush to decision, take your time but don't lead him on longer than necessary.
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#6 of 6 Old 04-03-2010, 10:13 PM
 
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Yes I think physical attraction important. I don't need a guy to be good looking or even hot but he has to be well groomed and good smelling and I have to be attracted. to something. This relationship is still young. Give it some time. he may really grow on you and there may be something there that is more attractive than his physical appearance. the way he touches you, the way he makes you feel....

I have to say though. most facial hair is a major turn off to me. also weird attatchments to things like beards. My xh used to wear the most rediculous beards and it was humiliating. and I hated stubble and the way they felt etc. hated everything about his beards. although some guys with a little scruff...cute.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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