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#1 of 42 Old 04-03-2010, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, let me preface this by saying that as far as legal standing goes, I am pro-choice but for my own morality, I am pretty much pro-life. I have had one therapeutic termination in my past and it was awful.

So STBX is moving out. Very soon. I don't want to get into details, but there is no way to reconcile right now, if ever. He is leaving.

I just found out that I am pregnant.

If I was "normal" pregnant, that would be one thing. But I get severely ill during pregnancy, from the very start onwards - hospital visits, bedrest, total incapacitation. Seizures. With my first pregnancy and with DS, I nearly died. With DD, I had medication (that I no longer have access to, insurance-wise) that made it less-than life-threatening but still incapacitating. I don't have any friends or family who could come over, and I certainly don't have money to hire help. No church group to ask for help, etc. I have two very active toddlers who need mama. I'm sure there are social services that could help, but that's not really the road I want to be going down, iykwim.

STBX will not be able to pay child support, or if he does, certainly at no time in the near future. He has been unemployed since 2005 and gets a small disability check that he lives on; after our divorce those funds will be further cut to basically include his living expenses and that's it. So, no money is coming from his way, and due to his... tempermental instabilities, he will also not have custody (at least, that's the plan).

I work from home here and there, I take master's classes online, and I just basically finished my doula training and was about to start taking on clients now that my toddlers are old enough. If I am now pregnant, I will have to quit my work-at-home stuff, stop my school program, and I won't be able to work through pregnancy, and then with the way doula work is probably not for the first year or two of the babe's life. So, two or three years of not being able to work. Not having child support (maybe, I mean hopefully I will but I'm not counting on it).

I can either terminate this pregnancy (which is really, the only LOGICAL choice) and be a great mommy to my two babies who really need to heal (and so do I) and work and finish my grad program and do all that. Heal. Or, I can be very, very ill, a crappy mommy (a mommy on bedrest and unable to tolerate noise/light/smells/movement etc. is not a fun mommy), and then have another baby on my hands. I mean, I'm sure I could make it work... somehow... I mean SOMEHOW I could. Go on welfare, try not to die, things like that. Struggle and make this divorce even harder and do God only knows what kind of damage to my kids (one of whom has special needs already). My head is telling me to end the pregnancy (it is still way, way early, so early that the clinic couldn't even schedule the pill yet until the end of next week.) My heart is telling me that I don't want another termination. The last one, though medically necessary, still left me feeling very sad.

Sorry for the essay, I just don't know what to do and didn't know where else to post.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#2 of 42 Old 04-03-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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From your post, it seems like already know which choice would be best for your health the children you already have, your job, education, and your future. I am so sorry you are in this situation and facing that choice. Hang in there.
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#3 of 42 Old 04-03-2010, 11:23 PM
 
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if you lived anywhere near me, i would be glad to be your support system, but i am biased bc of my belief about life.

my 2 pg's were not as physically rough as yours, but i was just a 17 yo baby myself the first time and termination never crossed my mind once. with ds2, i was married but ex moved out at 9wks and was basically the worlds biggest tool (and still is!). i had hyperemesis so severe i lost weight through the entire 42.5 wks. my son also has special medical needs. it was hard. really hard. but i wouldnt change a thing, wouldnt trade my son or my life for the world.

you said you dont know what to do. well, i cant tell you what to do, but i can tell you what it did, and how i feel about it. hope my btdt can be of some help to you.

Bring back the old MDC
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#4 of 42 Old 04-03-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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Go with your heart. Recovery from an abortion you don't want could be just as hard on a mother and family as a hard pregnancy. You can't go back and have a do-over and you know that you won't regret this child once it is born. I'm sorry. I wouldn't blame you for terminating with your awful situation but pro-choice is just that- a choice based on what the mother wants. It sounds like you want this baby but feel irresponsible for wanting to keep it. You would not be a bad mother for choosing to continue this pregnancy. Go with your heart.
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#5 of 42 Old 04-03-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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I saw this from the main page....I am so sorry you are facing this awful time.

I have had a rough time through three prgnancies (1 of which m/c) and I truly understand where you are coming from. Through the last three pregnancies I have been homeless/in shelters, so sick I couldn't even move to throw up, lost insane amounts of weight, been beaten by a violent ex, and spent 25 days in jail because I was too sick to work and couldn't afford to pay off my traffic fines and had to take the time instead. I am adamant about not getting pregnant again....believe me, I understand.

However I am strongly pro-life and I have found that in every situation involving my children (born or unborn) every time I have reached the breaking point where I thought maybe I should not have had or be having this child after all, something always gives. It is a mighty struggl, yes, but I have been blessed in SO many ways that I would never have experienced without each of these pregnancies.

I would look into some pregnancy crisis centers for help as well as call your local MOPS groups and other similar moms groups. A lot of times those moms rmore than willing to offer help and support. And fwiw I have gotten through 2 and a half years of solo parenting without child support and there have certainly been times when I was without sufficient income, but we always pulled through.

oh----and there is nothing wrong with government assistance, too. Do whatever you need to to get through this time. I'm so sorry you are finding yourself alone right now s

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#6 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 12:21 AM
 
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It's ok. Maybe this one would be medically necessary as well? I mean, if you would be too sick to care for your kids, I would count that as medically necessary. Please, if you want to talk further, pm me. I had an elective abortion at age 22 and I still feel it was a really good decision for me.
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#7 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 01:03 AM
 
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I was once in a very similar position. Ending a relationship and newly, unexpectedly pregnant without a local support system. My pregnancy with DD was difficult, the first tri is absolutely horrid, heck, the third tri wasn't a whole lot better. I didn't have the medical issues that you speak of though. When I looked at the life I was stepping into, alone and unsupported with DD (her father left the area and to this day provides no support of any kind), I felt it was best for me, and my DD to terminate the pregnancy. We were leaving an abusive situation, and I think he probably attempted to get me pregnant on purpose. It was hard, but I knew it was the right choice for us. I reasoned that I could more easily be a parent of one than two in almost all ways in the next few years. I could more easily afford 1 child, I could get myself healthy and be under less stress with one child than with two. And so I chose to terminate. It was painful emotionally, but I am pretty sure in my case I am able to be a better mother to one child and healing from abuse and PTSD, rather than trying to do it with 2. I also would have most likely been homeless when the DC would have been born. I was homeless for 10 months after leaving the relationship.

I know you are already the mother of 2. And if your health is at risk, by continuing, then you are also risking the mother of your 2 children. It's a hard and awful dilemma.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. I am sorry you are in this situation and faced with this choice. I really feel that no one should ever be faced with such a choice, but life it what it is.
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#8 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 03:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Dandelionkid View Post
... you know that you won't regret this child once it is born.
I'm so sorry for your situation. It's a tough one. I was considering divorce when I found I was pregnant. After much consideration, I decided to keep it, but I can't say I never regret this child. Life would just be so much easier now if I'd gone another way. Good luck with your decision.
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#9 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We were leaving an abusive situation, and I think he probably attempted to get me pregnant on purpose.
This is what happened here too. He swears up and down that it was an accident, but come on, his first "accident" in three years happens the day I tell him that xyz incident was the last straw, he has to move out? Isn't that just a funny "coincidence"?

Anyway, thank you for the answers. I am sorry some of you have been faced with the same choice. It sucks, it really sucks. With my daughter, who was unplanned, I knew I wouldn't mind risking the pregnancy because worst case happens, my husband would be there for my son. This time around, though, if something did happen to me... there is no one to take care of my kids. I don't have family, no friends who would take on two kids, my STBX cannot parent them safely... I'd have to like, troll MDC to find a godparent or something. Not cool. I want to raise my kids. All my kids, ideally, but the two that are already here most of all. Can I just say, "this sucks?!"

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#10 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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I just wanted to offer you support in a difficult time. It's a choice that only you can make, based on what you believe will be best for yourself and your family.
It's not uncommon for toxic men to deliberately get partners pregnant in a last-ditch effort to trap them. Sick but true.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#11 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 11:50 AM
 
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Sounds like you made your choice already. Do you what you need to do. Being a single parent is challenging and if the other parent is abusive or not present the challenges are even greater. I've been in the same position, i chose to keep the baby but i also got really intensive therapy during the pregnancy to help me deal with everything. It wasn't easy but it all worked out and i have a very beautiful son. For me, having the baby to care for actually helped me heal through all the other stressful and intense situations that came out of me leaving my abusive ex. But sharing another child with said man is not so great. Just do what you need for your family. Only you know what is best.
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#12 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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What a tough situation. Something to consider...Is he on SSI or SSDI? I thought that children of a parent on disability were eligible for benefits themselves.
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#13 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 11:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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His disability is from the VA; he was turned down for SSI when he applied. I don't know how/why. Anyway, he is rated at 70% - only if he is 100% do family members get benefits. (That's why he has health insurance but we don't get it, etc.) He gets a check every month, that's it. He's still supposed to be able to work, it's supposed to supplement his income, but he doesn't work. Ironically, he's not mentally stable enough TO work but he's not mentally INSTABLE enough to get full benefits. I dunno, it's messed up, but that's how it is.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#14 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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Well a huge majority of people who sign up for SSI get turned down the first time and often even the second time. He could appeal it until he is approved. If he just stays at home then he has plenty of time to follow thru with the process. I know a woman who is deaf and is already on her third appeal for SSI and another friend who has depression and was approved the first time. You just never know. But it never hurts to appeal.
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#15 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 10:22 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard. Two years ago, I terminated a pregnancy that was going to make me unable to care for my 3 existing children among other reasons. For selfish reasons, I wanted those babies (twins) but for my children, I knew I had a hard choice to make. I don't know if it was the right decision. I found myself crying about it today.

My thoughts are with you. If you need to talk before or after, please pm me.
Lisa

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#16 of 42 Old 04-04-2010, 11:32 PM
 
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I have not BTDT but I think weighing heavily the need to be as healthy as possible for the kids you are already parenting is an awfully good idea. It's still going to be tough (not knowing the details, I can't say for sure, but just from your few lines it sounds like in some ways it will be easier without STBX around, but in some ways harder). I think your particular circumstances sound almost impossible if you were to carry this pregnancy to term. It does not sound healthy for you or your kids, unless some magical care-taking entity surfaced immediately.

Hugs, no matter what you choose. You deserve health & healing. I hope they find you.

Loving Lucy Amelia
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#17 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 11:50 AM
 
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I will state up front that I am pro-choice. And I get so frustrated when mama's come on to MDC to get support (one way or another) and then pro-life mama's use their beliefs to sway the mama to do what *they* think is right. (Not saying anyone on this thread did that!!) What I mean is that I won't try to sway you either way based on *my* beliefs. I have never been in your position so I can't give you any btdt advice. What I will say is that you need to search your own heart and your own reality to determine what is right for you. You only need to be true to yourself and your family - and that decision will be *right* for you. I can scarcely imagine the multiple conflicting emotions that would arise from a termination, but I think it would be so sad for your 2 kids to lose their mother if it is so dangerous for you to be pregnant, especially when you are all they have.

to you and peace to you whatever you decide.

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#18 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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s

I would urge you to talk to your dr (if they are the understanding type who will give you straight answers about BOTH options), tell them everything, explain to them the ENTIRE situation - they may be able to refer you to some different resources, and at the very least they can offer you some support as you make this difficult decision.

Good luck.
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#19 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 12:52 PM
 
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I had to make a similar decision just two short months ago. I chose to terminate, and although I am wistful about the baby that might have been, I feel like I did the right thing for my existing family... If you want to pm, please do. I'm a good listener.

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#20 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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a few years ago here a well loved popular mama chose to have her second child. her husband said she knew exactly what the risks were, but he had to respect her wishes to have the second child. it was like she didnt have a choice. she just HAD to have her baby. she didnt make it. her heart gave out. sooooo sad.

you are your children's only thing right now. it could be a life and death situation. would you trust your ex to take care of your kids.

i would not even though we only have one and my ex loves my dd to pieces. but he is still about himself and not truly capable of really nurturing dd.

i am prochoice. and i just cant imagine having an abortion. but i am not in your situation. if truly that is what is going to happen (sometimes we overlook things) then it seems like too much uncertainty along with logistics to go thru with the pregnancy.

shame on your ex for putting you in this situation. deliberately. how mean and vicious of him. absolutely unforgivable.

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#21 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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Just a big warm hug from here. How horrible of ex to put you in this situation It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do and it is just a really really hard thing to do. We all do the best with what we have. So give yourself a big big hug and allow yourself to feel grief if you choose to terminate. I can't tell you what is right for you - only you know that. But I am pretty certain that if I were in your situation I would terminate. I would grieve and probably feel horrible and guilty about it. But I would do it. And I believe I would know it were for the best.

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#22 of 42 Old 04-05-2010, 03:37 PM
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From your post, it seems like already know which choice would be best for your health the children you already have, your job, education, and your future. I am so sorry you are in this situation and facing that choice. Hang in there.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#23 of 42 Old 04-06-2010, 04:34 AM
 
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Based on the description of your medical problems and the health risk you would be taking by carrying this baby to term, I would say that, if I were in your shoes, I would terminate the pregnancy. If there is even the slightest possibility that you could die while carrying this baby...then that is cause for termination, no doubt about it in my mind. This is coming from a mama who had an abortion 10 years ago that changed me in such a profound way. I have never regretted anything in my life like I do the decision to terminate that pregnancy. If I knew then what I know now, I would never have done it. But in your situation where not only your life, but the life of your unborn child and also your living children are all at stake...because what would happen to them should you become incapacitated?? Nope, not worth it at all. I'm so sorry you are facing this. May you find strength to help you cope with what ever road you choose to take.

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#24 of 42 Old 04-06-2010, 12:06 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

If I were in your shoes, (and I can't even begin to pretend that I am), I would terminate this pregnancy and try to get some counseling to work through it, if needed.

I can only pull from my own experiences and values, (I'm pro-choice and have had an elective abortion which, at the time, was the right thing to do for myself).

I wish you peace overall, as well as the peace of mind to do some soul-searching. I would be less likely to suggest the above outcome if you had more of a support group, (friends and family), that could help you through the medical hell you described. And that could be there for your children if you did not make it through.

Again, I am so very sorry. I'll be thinking of you~

S~ Peace loving, natural living, FuNkY vegan mama to Keiran bouncy.gif 23/Dec/06:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" ~~ MLK
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#25 of 42 Old 04-06-2010, 12:33 PM
 
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If there is even the slightest possibility that you could die while carrying this baby...then that is cause for termination, no doubt about it in my mind.
Yep. And I'm pro life.

So sorry for your situation.

Mother to R- 2/09, & C- 5/11

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#26 of 42 Old 04-06-2010, 01:51 PM
 
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I was thinking farther on this, so I came back to say more. If you need spiritual guidance that will discuss both options with you openly, call a Unitarian Universalist church and talk with the minister. They may help you to think through the spiritual side.

To me, it doesn't really sound like you have much of a choice, but you should explore all of the options and talk with someone. Write down all of these reasons so that you can look back on what's going on now. Sometimes our minds get foggy and we forget the intensity of the situation.

Like I said, I don't know if my decision was the right one for me and my family, but I know that I did what I did out of love and responsibility. For that reason, I can live with my decision, even if it's hard some days.

My thoughts are still with you.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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#27 of 42 Old 04-06-2010, 01:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the continued responses. I've been pretty much set on the "gotta do what you gotta do" track but then this morning I half-accidentally wandered into the due date club and I browsed and everyone is SO excited about their BFP's and I'm just so sad and... I think one PP used the word wistful. I'm wistful, I have tons of crates of baby clothes and baby toys that I saved and just, I wanted another baby. I did. But it just does not, it really does not seem possible right now.

The most important thing is to get my independence for my sake and the kids' and if H/STBX does not leave (as I whine about in my other thread) then that's harder to do if I'm confined to bed. If I have to *fight* to get away from him, I need strength. If I wait another nine months plus however many after for the fourth trimester and beyond, I'm afraid I will never get up the courage to leave this situation. And I know that for my kids' sake... I have to give them a shot at a healthy living environment, and I *can't* do that married to this man.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#28 of 42 Old 04-07-2010, 01:13 AM
 
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Just wanted to add a
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#29 of 42 Old 04-07-2010, 01:22 AM
 
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Honey, hugs to you. Do what is best for you and you little ones.

Kelly, mama (12yoDS), doula, RN, and writer.
There's no where you can be that isn't where you were meant to be, its easy
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#30 of 42 Old 04-07-2010, 04:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by honey-lilac View Post
Thank you for the continued responses. I've been pretty much set on the "gotta do what you gotta do" track but then this morning I half-accidentally wandered into the due date club and I browsed and everyone is SO excited about their BFP's and I'm just so sad and... I think one PP used the word wistful. I'm wistful, I have tons of crates of baby clothes and baby toys that I saved and just, I wanted another baby. I did. But it just does not, it really does not seem possible right now.

The most important thing is to get my independence for my sake and the kids' and if H/STBX does not leave (as I whine about in my other thread) then that's harder to do if I'm confined to bed. If I have to *fight* to get away from him, I need strength. If I wait another nine months plus however many after for the fourth trimester and beyond, I'm afraid I will never get up the courage to leave this situation. And I know that for my kids' sake... I have to give them a shot at a healthy living environment, and I *can't* do that married to this man.


I felt the same when when I was unexpectedly pregnant and trying to figure out how to leave my abusive partner. I didn't discuss it on MDC because there were momma's in my old DDC that were excitedly pregnant again. I think the little soul that came to me when I was leaving DD's father wanted things to work out exactly the way they did. This little angel knew I needed a kick in the pants to actually make the move, and I knew that if I had the abortion, I would without a doubt leave my partner. I would never be able to forgive him or myself if I stayed. In my case I communicated with the little soul and said I loved him, but I couldn't let him stay right now. I offered gratitude that he chose me as his mother and prayed for his understanding of why I made the choice I did.

My doctor was very understanding and compassionate. They even let me take home the products of conception which I later cared for in a personal ceremonial fashion. It was painful, but it also felt personal, like I was honoring this little person, he wasn't going to end up in some medical waste bin. People who die have ceremonies and loved ones recognize their passing. I didn't feel like I could not do that in this case.

And it is important that you recognize that if you choose to go forward with this pregnancy that you would be subjecting yourself and your 2 DC to this abuse, as well as this 3rd little person as well since it would just make you more dependent upon your abuser.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a tough, horrible spot to be in. But there is life and happiness after too. Giving yourself and your 2 now DC a shot at a healthy life is a great gift that maybe this little one is encouraging you to make the move on now.
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