How much $ to help dh to move out? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 03:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday dh said he's been thinking and he's decided to do what I want, move out. Then he asked how much do I think we could afford/I could give him to do so. I said I hadn't thought about it and what did he think. He didn't know either. Then I got all emotional because we haven't gotten along for years but this is the first time he's agreed to separate and divorce could become reality. So now I'm not sure what I want.

But anyway, my question now is how much should I give him? I've always done the finances in our marriage, he's been unemployed for almost three years, we're living off my inheritance from my parents passing away recently. Or does he deserve anything and he should get off his butt and find a job (which I've been bugging him about for ages, though I know the economy is bad).

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#2 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 04:27 AM
 
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You are both currently living off of your inheritance?

Hmm.... I just recently spent 10 months in homeless shelters due to leaving an abusive relationship, so my opinion maybe biased.

At most, I would give him absolutely no more than 2months worth of rent and very basic (utilities like electric, gas, water) expenses. And that is if I were feeling generous and not used.

Yes, the economy is rough right now. But I know of several people across the country (it's not a regional thing) that have searched for and found jobs in the past few months. The jobs may not always pay what they did before or they might be over-qualified for the job, but a paycheck is a paycheck. A tough economy is no reason to not seek employment. If he is willing to not have overnights for a while, he could find a roommate and spend less that way. If he was interested, he could go to school. If he were motivated, he could probably find a job. I suppose it is possible for even the most motivated to not find work.... but I think that those who are most motivated, most serious, are the ones who are finding work right now. Is he really motivated?

Legally, I'm not sure of what the ramifications would be if you provide him any living expenses. We've all heard of alimony, but there is also patrimony, and I don't think you should be stuck with that unless you have a very large sum in the bank and can easily afford to comfortably support him for say the next year. You're inheritance from your parents I'm sure was meant to provide for you and their grandchildren, and of course your dh if he was to continue to be your dh. Since he is not, I'd say he is on his own.

How much? It depends on your relationship. How has he contributed? Are you both SAHM or is he the only SAHM? Was it a joint decision who would SAHM? Or is he unmotivated and simply living the easy life off your inheritance? I hope my questions don't appear ugly to you. I don't intend to be harsh at all. I just want you to look at your situation from all angles before deciding to give him anything. And if you decide to give him anything, I would determine a modest preset limit and once he extinguished that, he's on his own. But I would seek legal advice too and not go simply on this because it does sound like neither of you are working outside of home and that might complicate things.

Best of wishes to you.
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#3 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 05:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You are both currently living off of your inheritance?
Yes. Unfortunately/fortunately my parents passed away just as our savings was reaching zero.

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At most, I would give him absolutely no more than 2months worth of rent and very basic (utilities like electric, gas, water) expenses. And that is if I were feeling generous and not used.
OK, that's a good figure to start with.

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If he is willing to not have overnights for a while, he could find a roommate and spend less that way. If he was interested, he could go to school. If he were motivated, he could probably find a job. I suppose it is possible for even the most motivated to not find work.... but I think that those who are most motivated, most serious, are the ones who are finding work right now. Is he really motivated?
I don't think he is motivated. He may be depressed, but I also think he's addicted to online computer games. A year ago I offered to pay for him to go to school, he couldn't think of anything to do. I was looking on craigslist and found a roommate situation in our neighborhood for $200 that I would be willing to pay for, for a few months.

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Legally, I'm not sure of what the ramifications would be if you provide him any living expenses. We've all heard of alimony, but there is also patrimony, and I don't think you should be stuck with that unless you have a very large sum in the bank and can easily afford to comfortably support him for say the next year. You're inheritance from your parents I'm sure was meant to provide for you and their grandchildren, and of course your dh if he was to continue to be your dh. Since he is not, I'd say he is on his own.
Hmm, good point about setting a precedence. The inheritance was supposed to be for the grandchildrens' education. It's not huge; if the stocks stay ok and I didn't spend any more it would probably pay for two college degrees. I'd like to save as much of it as possible for that but I'm going to use some for me to return to school this fall first.

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How much? It depends on your relationship. How has he contributed? Are you both SAHM or is he the only SAHM? Was it a joint decision who would SAHM? Or is he unmotivated and simply living the easy life off your inheritance? I hope my questions don't appear ugly to you. I don't intend to be harsh at all. I just want you to look at your situation from all angles before deciding to give him anything. And if you decide to give him anything, I would determine a modest preset limit and once he extinguished that, he's on his own. But I would seek legal advice too and not go simply on this because it does sound like neither of you are working outside of home and that might complicate things.
I was supposed to be the SAHM, he was supposed to work for money. He did contribute financially for the first four years, as did I the first year before DD was born. He was unmotivated for a year and a half before my parents died too. You're questions aren't ugly, I sometimes wonder if I'm being too harsh on him to kick him out for being a deadbeat (among other things). But this is not what I signed up to marriage for. Coincidentally the day before he spoke I'd contacted a friend about finding a lawyer. I want to know all the financial implications of any actions, to not lose the money for me and the kids.

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Best of wishes to you.
Thanks
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#4 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 07:36 AM
 
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Found this on new posts

I would tell him to get a J-O-B. I agree with T mostly, only I would give him one month's expenses and say good bye.

My STBX was highly unmotivated and rumor has it he is still not working. I am so glad to be done with that.

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#5 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 11:46 AM
 
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You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP to figure out how to protect yourself and your kids. Also, I would really really really discourage you from giving him monthly support, otherwise he'll be trying to leech off of his kids' college fund forever. A flat sum -- less than $1,000 -- might be the easiest way. But unless he's taking the kids and being a stay at home parent, he needs to get a job.
I'm just curious, when he was the SAHP, did he pull his weight or did you have to do everything?
Also, have you ever read Codependent No More? It might be an eye-opening read for you.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#6 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 04:18 PM
 
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Found this on new posts

I would tell him to get a J-O-B. I agree with T mostly, only I would give him one month's expenses and say good bye.

My STBX was highly unmotivated and rumor has it he is still not working. I am so glad to be done with that.
Agreed. I know from experience that once you help them out they try and take from you over and over and make you feel sorry for them.

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#7 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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I also think that by giving him a small amount you are helping him in the long run by forcing him to get a job. I mean, most adults who are not primary care givers for children, going to school or wealthy have some sort of a job. I think it would be good for him and it might help his addiction.

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#8 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 02:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You all are suggesting less than I'd originally thought. I was thinking $1,000 - $1,500 or about 60 - 90 days expenses. But I'm definitely speaking with a lawyer before doing anything. I don't see him actually up and leaving in the immediate future without my help.

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I'm just curious, when he was the SAHP, did he pull his weight or did you have to do everything?
Also, have you ever read Codependent No More? It might be an eye-opening read for you.
I've pretty much always done everything as far as taking care of the kids and housework and cooking. He takes out the garbage sometimes, mows the lawn and preps the garden. No more than he did when he was working. The only advantage for me to him being home all the time is always available free childcare if I want to take a class or just go to the store alone.

I haven't read that book. I'll request it from the library. I hadn't really considered myself codependent but as much as I he annoys me and we disagree I will miss his warm body and simple presence in the house.
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#9 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 02:44 AM
 
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i am a little on the generous side.

the reality of it is he has no $$$

to find an apt i would give him 3 months rent plus utilities plus whatever deposit he has to put down. that where i live would mean around $4000.

my ex asked for time. so we stayed together for 4 more months. he found a job, lived in his car awhile and then settled down finally. we didnt have any money to take the

but you should do what YOU feel is right.

this has nothing to do with legal issues.

this has everything to do with your values and fairness. you might decide NOTHING. or you might decide otherwise.

but i think 3 months is a fair amount. esp. in this economy.

with my education even thru temp agencies i know right now i will struggle to find a job right away.

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#10 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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He has lived off you for three years. I say tell him to get out without giving him anything. And don't spend one more penny of the money your parents clearly intended for you on him. Three years!!! I am still marveling that you kept him around that long.
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#11 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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NOT the same situation, but anecdotally - when my ex moved out last July I gave him money for rent/utilities, etc.

The reason I did this was because he was peacefully leaving the matrimonial home to our children & I, taking the least amount of 'family' furniture possible (so to leave the home peaceful for the children - he took his bedroom furniture and personal belongings... left everything else) and was generally a really good guy during the whole proceeding.

Now, we both did this for the benefit of the kids - but honestly, had the shoe been on the other foot, I'm not so sure I would have been as kind & amicable regarding the 'stuff'. He did move into an apartment with furnishings, but it was the money I gave him that allowed this to happen. It was a win/win.

We try to make sure there is an equitable division of 'things' in each household so that the girls aren't living in the lap of luxury in one home & below the poverty line at the other. I realize this isn't possible for everyone, in every situation - but I really didn't want the girls wondering why daddy lived in some broken down crack shack when in fact he was doing it for them...

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#12 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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I would give him just enough to move out, get utilities, food, so that he gets out of your house. After that he's on his own. Time to get a J.O.B.- even in this economy.
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#13 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 10:19 PM
 
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I think if you're supporting yourself and your children then you are doing enough already. I don't know the situation - if he was a great guy and has been trying really hard to look for work (and I know how darn hard it is right now), yet is agreeing to move out to keep the peace, that's one thing. I'd work with him on that. But you mention that he's a deadbeat among other things, and wow, 3 years - that suggests he hasn't tried very hard. So if you bail him out now, what will happen in a month or two when he hasn't gotten a job... who will he turn to for money? You don't want to be stuck doing that forever. He's already darn lucky he isn't paying for his children - I don't think he should get a paycheck on top of that! What would he have done if it hadn't been for your inheritance (and by the way, I'm sorry for your loss)?
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#14 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 10:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post
You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP to figure out how to protect yourself and your kids. Also, I would really really really discourage you from giving him monthly support, otherwise he'll be trying to leech off of his kids' college fund forever. A flat sum -- less than $1,000 -- might be the easiest way. But unless he's taking the kids and being a stay at home parent, he needs to get a job.
I'm just curious, when he was the SAHP, did he pull his weight or did you have to do everything?
Also, have you ever read Codependent No More? It might be an eye-opening read for you.
Exactly this

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
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