Why do people think I need to make major decisions RIGHT NOW? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 04-04-2010, 09:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Stbx ended our marriage on Tuesday - just five days ago. We've been separated for six months, it wasn't a surprise but it's still painful and raw and I'm hurting.
People, mostly family, keep pushing me to make plans. I've been a sahm for 15 years and now everyone is saying "Okay, what job are you getting? It's time to be independent!!" I homeschooled my older girls for 6 years and plan on homeschooling my littles but everyone is pushing me to put them in school when it's time and "be independent!"
I just need to take some time to catch my breath and stop reeling from the pain of all of this. I can't make plans right now, right now I'm just trying to get through each day. Looking at the future overwhelms me. Looking farther into the future than, oh, LUNCH, is overwhelming for that matter.
I know at some point down the road I will be okay, better even. I know that we just have to get through this pain. Me being in the middle of the pain isn't a time to make plans. I just wish people would see that

mama to the Girls (15, 14, 13) and the Littles (5, 3) 
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#2 of 11 Old 04-04-2010, 10:44 AM
 
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Damn. I wonder if your family would say, "so, now that grandma passed away ten minutes ago, you HAVE to figure out how you will spend your inheritance!!"

I'm so sorry you're going through pain; listen to yourself and let yourself mourn. Maybe come up with an arbitrary time frame that you will make the hard decisions by, and tell your family so - or just tell them to butt out. You can say "by June I will come up with a plan; I have to think about it and research my options, now leave me alone" or something along those lines (perhaps a bit more polite)?

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#3 of 11 Old 04-04-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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I have been getting the same thing. I am in school but have a long way to go and have no money of my own. So I do feel some pressure to get on my own two feet but you know right now it is all about survival. I have had some nights where I have the most soul rocking cries with hiccuping and full out sobbing. It feels so painful sometimes and letting it out in that way feels good. I am trying to take things one day at a time and get through each day. I keep thinking I should be doing better but divorce is such a huge thing and such a loss no matter what the circumstance. PM me if you ever need to talk.

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#4 of 11 Old 04-04-2010, 08:04 PM
 
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STBX also just recently ended our marriage and my mom has been really on me as to what I am going to do now. I understand exactly how you feel. I agree that it is best to take your time and make decisions when you feel ready, not when your family thinks you should be making them. You want to be sure that you are doing the best thing for you and your kids. It hurts a lot and there are some days where I want to do nothing but cry, but allowing myself to grieve I know will help me heal.

Kirsten, mama to Monkey since May 2007 and Bean born 11/7/09
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#5 of 11 Old 04-05-2010, 11:29 AM
 
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Oh, not cool!

If anyone did that to me, I'd just tell them that I know they mean well, but I need time to sort things out and get a real plan together, and pushing me is making it hurt worse because it's making me feel like I really don't have my life together.

Then, I'd make my voice catch just a little, and say goodbye quickly, hang up, and giggle.

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#6 of 11 Old 04-06-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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I know how you feel. I have been a sahm and homeschooling two of our three. People want me to decide if we are moving or not, to decide about work, I've never gone to college, so maybe go to school. What am I to do with these 17 yrs of things? Pictures? I just want to take a breath. I just want to know what I am making the kids for dinner. Stbx moved out a month ago. I was able to file, and get an emergency support hearing, but no support until May. He does have to pay April bills, but gas in tank? Food on table? He cleared our joint account to start his new life with his best friend's wife. I am here picking up pieces of our lives and our hearts.
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#7 of 11 Old 04-06-2010, 09:44 PM
 
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Oh wow - I was seriously coming here to post this exact same issue. Huge hugs Mama!!

I feel completely overwhelmed with the stress of trying to figure out what my future looks like now. For the past 4 years (I know, not as long as some of you) I have had my future planned - housewife, lots of babies, homeschooling SAHM. I was totally thrilled to be able to do all of this. But after just 1 baby, I am now on my own. And everyone (family) has been looking at me full of pity with the whole 'what are you going to do now?' My mom bought me 'What colour is your parachute?'. What I want to do now is crawl in to a hole and cry and cry and cry. But what I am doing is struggling through the basics of living with my 14 month old. Fortunately my stbx is still sharing finances with me, but that won't last forever. I do need to figure out something. But the comments and pity from family does not help, it just freaks me out even more. I hate where I am right now, life sucks

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
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#8 of 11 Old 04-07-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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Tomorrow I go to the local community college to take assesment tests to see what I remember from high school 20yrs ago! I think that the child support and alimony that has been awarded will cover our bills if I am very very careful. Stbx got his master's during our marriage. I have asked and asked to start school... somehow it has always been put off. Now, I should qualify for full pell, and with luck, start school, and continue to homeschool. I know what I want to be when I grow up, besides a wife and mother. Now, it looks like those dreams can start to come true sans the wife part.
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#9 of 11 Old 04-07-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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Saw this on new posts.... I know of SOME families who would push like that, because they would be worried that they would have to support you financially if you don't get a job quickly. I know of others who just have, um, limited conversation-making ability. Don't know if either of those describe your family, but it could be one reason they say such things.
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#10 of 11 Old 04-07-2010, 09:16 PM
 
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You know ... I coped by planning an being practical ... got right down to business, but that's because I operate out of fear and anxiety.

And even I resented the financial planner looking at me, with a child in p-t pre-school and a child in 1/2 kindergarten, and asking how soon I thought I could get a job.

Excuse me? This UA violation walks out and my kids and I pay the price?

Yep, of course, that is how it is, but you are wise to take it slow.

I was very efficient and very go-getter and have a great new job, but it is literally killing me from stress and the commute and is really hard on my kids (all for low pay, mind you).

So take it slow and careful. Sometimes being all business rushes us into the wrong path.

M
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#11 of 11 Old 04-07-2010, 11:45 PM
 
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I just got off the phone with one of my good friends- the only person I've told about wanting to separate other than my sister. I have plans, it is just not quite time to put them in effect. I have backup plans too. However, I haven't written them all down in bullet point form and presented them to her, so she's acting like I haven't thought this through- when I've been thinking about it for years!
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