He starts new life... rant - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 12:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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STBX moved out five weeks ago. I found out about gf on a Wed. and that was his last night at our home. That Thur, he moved in to an apt with gf. Now, five weeks latter, he has gotten the "last" of his stuff out, and I am left to clean up the mess. The emotional mess for myself and our kids. The physical mess of stuff that was his "dept". The yard needs serious work besides mowing. The Christmas lights need taking down. The garage has five years of crap in it, along with all the road grime from the winter. He left stuff he doesn't want in our basement for me to toss/donate.

We are hurting and confused, we didn't see this coming. I am here to guide kids through. I am the one running them to a therapist. I am the one holding the crying eight yr old. Dealing with the angry teens.

It's no suprise our marriage was in trouble, just a suprise he was cheating. Now he is in an apt moving on with his new life. How do I get to the moving on part, when I am so busy "cleaning it all up"?
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#2 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 09:29 AM
 
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It takes time.

Get thee to www.survivinginfidelity.com

Also, good books are Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and also Forgiving the Unforgivable.

Chances are, he is not nearly as happy as you may envision.

The advice my sister drilled into me was that living well is the best revenge. It really is...

Start taking small steps...you may already be doing this, but start journaling. Connect with an old hobby or interest. Treat yourself to a book. SOMETHING.

Disconnect from him as much as possible--think kids and finances. Don't show him your emotional life as it won't do any good.

This is an intense time--and it will be for awhile. Just take small steps and focus on what you are grateful for--I would make a list every night. (It did frequently include that I wasn't living with a liar anymore. )

Eventually, I found that "balancing the scales" was very helpful. I got the idea from Forgiving the Unforgivable. There were SO many projects around the house that he was supposed to do (per an agreement with my folks whose house it is) that he never did. I now get a huge kick out of doing those projects. It's fun to learn new skills and just gives me a sense of empowerment rather than resentment that he didn't do stuff. That's probably a ways out though.

Hug and love on your kids and be kind to yourself.
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#3 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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I'm kind of there, as far as trying to keep a house going alone. He didn't take nearly all of his stuff. I've been putting his things into the spare bedroom as I run across them. It was breaking my heart to have my DD point to his guitar and say "dada's guitar" over and over. He still has a bunch of stuff in the garage, too. I try to not go in there.

When he was here, the yard was supposed to be his domain, his project. I've been having fun planting flower bulbs and roses all over the place. He always did the garden, so I've been buying seeds, arranging for a tiller to come over, starting my seedlings, and learning gardening techniques.

My new, really nice neighbor friend, who I met by posting an ad on Craiglist for removal of the trees the somewhat-ex chopped down last fall and left lying in the yard, wants to be friends and has been helping out a lot. He mentioned that my yard needed mowing, and I agreed. I was going to spend the weekend picking up all the fallen branches, as he had volunteered to mow it for me (we're talking over an acre of land to be mowed). Well, I got home last week, and the thing was all picked up and mowed. I'm learning to not underestimate the power of subtly letting people know that I'm a mama trying to do it all myself.

I've been working on installing an outdoor hose spigot, I just wall mounted my tv, and I've installed a trellis for my climbing roses. I have experience doing home building and repairs, but I'm learning that there is something really nice about not having to discuss what projects are going to get done. I decide what I want to do next, and do it. I decide where the water hose goes. I decide what wall the tv goes on. I decide what kind of trellis works for me. Reclaiming my space has been very helpful in not feeling quite so lonely. Instead of getting lost in self pity all the time, I've lost myself in my projects. I still have moments of extreme sadness, but I also have times of pride when I look at what I'm doing around here.

Also, I know how you feel when you sit there and look around you, and think about how he got to run off and start a new life with no responsibilities. It sucks. No advice there, just a little commiseration.
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#4 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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Hi mama,

I can commiserate. My story is very similar to yours, but I'm a bit further down the road (my d-day was last November).

I'm going through a bit of a down period right now, but I will tell you that more and more as time goes on you will see how much better you and your kids will be without him. I definitely have my moments (like today) but most days I feel an incredible freedom. While my ex thinks he's living a Leonard Cohen poem, I get the privilege and joy of really raising my children and creating our new home.

It might look like your ex is having all the fun, but in reality his new relationship is a form of self-medication.

I have an amazing shrink who gave me some very wise insight. He said that at the start, it looks like the leaving spouse has the head start- they have been plotting and planning and have long ended the marriage in their head, plus they have created the further distraction of a new relationship. So it looks all shiny and fun at his end. In the meanwhile, you are disadvantaged at the start- you didn't see this coming, and you are left with all the clean up, both literally and figuratively. Because your task is so huge, you don't have the choice but to do the REAL work of healing and rebuilding. It is painful and slow but you do it, and slowly you start to reap the rewards. In the meanwhile, he has been busy self-medicating and distracting and NOT doing the real work. His relationship is likely to implode (as most affair relationships ultimately do), and he hasn't done the real soul-searching work he needed to do all along. A few years down the road, you are likely in the relationship you were always meant to be in, maybe there is a career change, and you have a solid loving relationship with your kids. Him? He's left scratching his head, wondering where it all went wrong.

Hugs to you mama, this part is so hard. PM me if you want to talk.

Happy single mama of Girlchild (10) and Boychild (9).
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#5 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 09:23 PM
 
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I think you got great advice!

You will be stronger and more solid in the long run. You are a noble spirit and carrying a heavy load right now, but it will ease.

Take your time. Accept that anger, hurt, pain, loss are to be gotten *through* not around -- no evading them, but they will pass (and return sometimes), but they do get gotten through.

You can do this. Just take time!

Hugs,

M
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#6 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 10:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExOfficia View Post
Hi mama,

I can commiserate. My story is very similar to yours, but I'm a bit further down the road (my d-day was last November).

I'm going through a bit of a down period right now, but I will tell you that more and more as time goes on you will see how much better you and your kids will be without him. I definitely have my moments (like today) but most days I feel an incredible freedom. While my ex thinks he's living a Leonard Cohen poem, I get the privilege and joy of really raising my children and creating our new home.

It might look like your ex is having all the fun, but in reality his new relationship is a form of self-medication.

I have an amazing shrink who gave me some very wise insight. He said that at the start, it looks like the leaving spouse has the head start- they have been plotting and planning and have long ended the marriage in their head, plus they have created the further distraction of a new relationship. So it looks all shiny and fun at his end. In the meanwhile, you are disadvantaged at the start- you didn't see this coming, and you are left with all the clean up, both literally and figuratively. Because your task is so huge, you don't have the choice but to do the REAL work of healing and rebuilding. It is painful and slow but you do it, and slowly you start to reap the rewards. In the meanwhile, he has been busy self-medicating and distracting and NOT doing the real work. His relationship is likely to implode (as most affair relationships ultimately do), and he hasn't done the real soul-searching work he needed to do all along. A few years down the road, you are likely in the relationship you were always meant to be in, maybe there is a career change, and you have a solid loving relationship with your kids. Him? He's left scratching his head, wondering where it all went wrong.

Hugs to you mama, this part is so hard. PM me if you want to talk.
That is awesome and makes so much sense!

To the OP- I just wanted to give you a hug. Things like this just take time to heal. Things will get better though. Hang in there Mama.

Student/Working Mama notes.gifgeek.gif
to DD 1dust.gif & DD 2energy.gif & engaged to DFpartners.gif

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#7 of 7 Old 04-14-2010, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He quit so long ago! He has NEVER done the deep soul searching work of his role in anything. Five years ago, I broke. I went in the hospital for depression and anxiety. We NEVER talked about it. I went, I got meds, I got out and I went to therapy. I have gone to therapy a few times over the years. He moved his things out on our 17th anniversary. He enjoyed making sure I knew they were going out of town on Sunday. BLAH! I knew her, she had been my friend I thought. My kids knew her their whole lives. She was his friend's wife. I am trying to find a different home to rent for a fresh start... I am going to start school in June. I know in the long run, I will stand tall and strong, and his realities will hit him... but right now, it all sucks.
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