Join Date: Jan 2009
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I can commiserate. My story is very similar to yours, but I'm a bit further down the road (my d-day was last November).
I'm going through a bit of a down period right now, but I will tell you that more and more as time goes on you will see how much better you and your kids will be without him. I definitely have my moments (like today) but most days I feel an incredible freedom. While my ex thinks he's living a Leonard Cohen poem, I get the privilege and joy of really raising my children and creating our new home.
It might look like your ex is having all the fun, but in reality his new relationship is a form of self-medication.
I have an amazing shrink who gave me some very wise insight. He said that at the start, it looks like the leaving spouse has the head start- they have been plotting and planning and have long ended the marriage in their head, plus they have created the further distraction of a new relationship. So it looks all shiny and fun at his end. In the meanwhile, you are disadvantaged at the start- you didn't see this coming, and you are left with all the clean up, both literally and figuratively. Because your task is so huge, you don't have the choice but to do the REAL work of healing and rebuilding. It is painful and slow but you do it, and slowly you start to reap the rewards. In the meanwhile, he has been busy self-medicating and distracting and NOT doing the real work. His relationship is likely to implode (as most affair relationships ultimately do), and he hasn't done the real soul-searching work he needed to do all along. A few years down the road, you are likely in the relationship you were always meant to be in, maybe there is a career change, and you have a solid loving relationship with your kids. Him? He's left scratching his head, wondering where it all went wrong.
Hugs to you mama, this part is so hard. PM me if you want to talk.
to DD 1 & DD 2 & engaged to DF