Can't believe the conversation I've had. (Rant) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I posted here about being ambivalent about keeping this pregnancy. I've decided to keep it. NOT because I'm thrilled to be pregnant, NOT because I want a cute little thing to play with, NOT because my life will be any easier or healthier or better. It's almost a moral obligation for me to give this baby a chance at life, so, that's that. I tried to terminate, I couldn't go through with it, whatever.

So I'm talking to my friend last night. He is very pro-choice, or rather, pro-abortion in my case. He was going on and on about why I shouldn't have this baby. I should have stopped talking to him at the beginning of the convo when he was being negative but I kept trying to change the subject and he kept getting more and more mean. Essentially, I'm being selfish for wanting to keep the baby (really, I thought terminating would be the selfish thing in my case, it'd be easier) because as a single mother my kids' life will be miserable and worthless. It's bad enough that I have two kids already, but a third will be the breaking point. I will become a wreck of a person and no man will ever want three kids' worth of baggage, unless he is old and desperate. My kids will grow up to be criminals and I will be miserable and a failure of a mother and will never support myself financially.

I AM ALREADY A MOTHER OF TWO, for one thing. Two or three, what difference does it make. (In the long run, I mean.) And I disagree that my kids can't have a good life with me. I think I'm a great mother, honestly. My kids are loved and happy and AP'd and everything. I'm not looking for another man, so why is that a factor? Maybe no man will want the "baggage" (really? my children are now BAGGAGE?) of three kids, but whatever, my priority is my kids not getting a new man in my life. Ugh. I finally put him on ignore because I couldn't take the negativity, but I just, I dunno. I felt really down about all the things he said. I don't agree with his perspective but I know there is truth in what he is saying. Life will be harder with three. Financially, practically. Having another baby will be so hard. But do I need the guilt of knowing I am bringing "a fatherless child" into the world? Well, geez, I'd prefer a happy traditional family too!

Geez.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#2 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 10:46 AM
 
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You've made your choice so trust that there's a reason.

There are positive and negative things about any and every thing in life. The more you can focus now on all the positive things, the easier it will be.

It's hard when others are against us, but the more sure you become about your decision, the more others will stop doing that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and an empowering and healthy birthing experience. Babies are a miracle, so make sure you take time to celebrate this one too!!
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#3 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by honey-lilac View Post
"as a single mother my kids' life will be miserable and worthless. . . . My kids will grow up to be criminals and I will be miserable and a failure of a mother and will never support myself financially."
this person doesn't know what he's talking about, and isn't worth listening to, on any subject, ever.
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#4 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 11:28 AM
 
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That's just crud. And I happen to know a guy who is considering making an "instant family" with a woman, and he's neither old (I don't consider 30's old) nor desperate.

Besides, who is he to say that attracting a man is your main priority in life? (I mean, maybe it is but not for him to say!!)

Your kids do and will feel loved and worthwhile. In fact, your choice underscores that.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#5 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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Just think, when this child is grown into an adult, try asking him or her if they would have prefered they didn't have a life then be brought into this world. I wouldn't worry about what other people say, it is one thing to choose to have an abortion yourself but for another person to think they know what's best, it just doesn't make sence. You know what's best and your child will thank you one day, I guarantee. Good for you for putting your children first and giving this little one a chance at life.
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#6 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If he's pro-choice, then he should shut right up when you say that your CHOICE is to have the baby. Keep him on your ignore list, honey.
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#7 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 11:58 AM
 
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Congratulations on your pregnancy, mama. I am firmly pro-CHOICE, which means I respect your informed choice of whether or not to have your baby. Nobody else can make that decision for you. You thought about this long and hard and ultimately you're doing what you believe is right for you and your family. That takes strength and self knowledge, and I congratulate you on that.
I'm a single mother, and I can tell you with great confidence that I am a terrific mama, if I do say so myself, and my son is very loved and happy and thoroughly above average.
So how is the situation with your husband/ex? Have you managed to make a break from him yet? And do you have the health issues under control now?

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#8 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
this person doesn't know what he's talking about, and isn't worth listening to, on any subject, ever.

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#9 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the responses...

The health situation is... by some miracle, I'm not sick. Yet. With my other pregnancies I was sick by week 4 or 5, in the hospital, etc. With this one, I've been preparing my behind off trying to get ready for the bedrest, etc. But... I feel fine. I'm seven weeks now. Not a hint of feeling unwell. I feel great actually, I'm gardening, cooking, cleaning. I don't want to jinx myself and say it's a miracle already, I still MIGHT get sick, but it's been amazing so far. It's my first pregnancy that (physically at least) I'm enjoying somewhat.

The situation with the "ex" is less than miraculous. Yesterday he asked "permission" to stay. Umm. I said that it's not going to work going back and forth like this, I can't make plans for him to leave and then have him stay. So he said that fine, he's moving out when he's graduating, but I seriously doubt that he is going to. I'm going to fight that battle when we get there though because there's no use getting on his bad side now while he's still staying here. If we get into a fight and he leaves and signs a lease, then.... well, I'm still hoping he doesn't sign a lease here because then he'll be in the same town indefinitely. I'd really rather him be on the East Coast.

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#10 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 12:40 PM
 
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You know what... your "friend" is wrong. I want to congratulate you on your pregancy - and am glad you're feeling okay and hope that continues. This child is going to be someone you love for the rest of your life, and I'll bet everything that he or she will be really, really glad they're on this planet because of you.
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#11 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 12:54 PM
 
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Don't listen to your 'friend'. I got a lot of negative feedback after I announced #4 -- lots of "So did you schedule the procedure yet?". It was hard. I even kept my mouth shut about the pregnancy until I was showing...yea...about 16-17 weeks. Now, everyone loves him. I did have to delete some awful comments on facebook, and block some 'friends'.

You know what? If people can't support you, and love you, then they aren't 'friends'. My best friends didn't think #4 was a good idea....they were also the first to say congratulations when I made the decision to continue the pregnancy and the first to send baby gifts They are real friends.

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#12 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 01:25 PM
 
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Congratulations on the new baby honey, and I very sincerely hope that you continue to feel well! Stay active - but don't overdo it. Being somewhat active may help you out!

I really hope that you ate strong enough when your stbx graduates to take a stand and kick him out. Or move yourself. You may have to. Start stashing money just in case.
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#13 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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You say that you can see truth in some things he says - there's also truth in YOUR inner dialogue. So, what if you'd decided to have an abortion & move on? You'd still have someone else telling you truths about how much of a gift your child would have been, that he/she IS for a reason, deserves life, etc., yk? Sorry you had to hear all of that & be hurt. I agree that maybe he's not a friend to have around while your life is changing, sounds like he's not very open to enjoying you as a whole person with her own life and to be happy for your decisions.

Such a misunderstanding in our society... A pair of parents does not necessarily mean happy successful kids - as a single parent does not necessarily mean unhappy unsuccessful criminal children! He's so insulting when he says that!! He has a limited perspective on the whole issue, in my opinion.

Your courage and strength is admirable. Wishing you a healthy & joyful pg and birth and life with your beautiful, loved kids!

"When the external begins to define the internal, instead of the internal defining the external, one begins living as a mortal rather than as a universal being." ~ unknown
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#14 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 10:08 PM
 
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I understand why you feel the way you do; I'm getting it too. I know giving my child the chance at life is the choice I made and that I'll be a great mom, but hearing that other junk get's stuck in your brain...you know? If you feel you did the right thing and you give this all you've got; then f**k 'em (sorry Mods)


BTW I am 7 weeks too...

The best gifts are surprises, and mine is coming November 2010 Can't wait for my little bean!
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#15 of 33 Old 04-15-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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naking my 3rd that i considered aborting. at least i looked at all the options and didnt have someone making the choice for me. i also knew that keeping my baby meant i would be dealing with my abuser for a very long time (potentially). i also thought about having had 2 already it would be odd for me personally to say i couldnt do it this time...knwing how children change our lives. baggage~ thought that too... especially a lot b/c of my current situation. a.) figured out that my mindset was influenced a lot by never having someone i could say was a real man b.) found a person who exstatically has become more and more an intrigal part of our family kids included....

gl!!
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#16 of 33 Old 04-16-2010, 10:23 AM
 
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Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama View Post
Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If he's pro-choice, then he should shut right up when you say that your CHOICE is to have the baby. Keep him on your ignore list, honey.


I'm pro-choice and I totally believe that every woman should make that decision for herself. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
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#17 of 33 Old 04-16-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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My ex wanted my littlest one aborted. He stated that straight out. Then he told friends and family that he'd been coerced into getting me pregnant and that I had refused him birth control (real story: he'd refused to go get a condom that was at the end of the bed because it was "too far away"). Then he tried to tell friends and family that he didn't think that this child was his. (implying that I'd been having an affair, which wasn't true... he's the only option for a dad) Then... we don't need to go there.

But... this little child is an amazing blessing in every way possible.

Congratulations to you and your blessing (not baggage!!!) who will be on the outside before you know it!

Don't mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it; if unfair, keep from irritation; if it is ignorant, smile; if it is justified it is not criticism, learn from it.
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#18 of 33 Old 04-16-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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Have you considered adoption? I'm just saying it's an option out there.

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#19 of 33 Old 04-16-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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For me the children are the only good thing that came of out of the abusive relationship. Everything ELSE is the baggage.

Congratulations on this pregnancy! Good luck to you for keeping healthy and a smooth pregnancy.

My stbx wanted our last child aborted too because we found out I was pg during a separation. Now she's 11 and I know I did the right thing by keeping her, can't imagine my life without that sassy little girl. :-)

Your friend was not very encouraging. I hope you can find someone else to share with about this pregnancy. He has a very dismal outlook.

Your baby is going to be fine because you have his or her best interests at heart, can tell that from your post that you are a very thoughtful, caring person who loves that baby dearly already and that's what counts in parenting.
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#20 of 33 Old 04-16-2010, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you considered adoption? I'm just saying it's an option out there.
No, never, not for a nanosecond. I would never give a baby up for adoption. Unless I found out that I was going to shortly pass away, then yes I would want to place all of my children to the same family that I picked out for them. Otherwise... it wasn't even a remote possibility in my mind. By that logic, why not give the first two up for adoption as well? I'm sorry if I'm being snarky but I blame that on the hormones I guess.

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#21 of 33 Old 04-17-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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I've been in your shoes....I found out I was pregnant during a really rough stage in my marriage, my husband encouraged abortion since he felt he wasn't capable of being present to a new baby in the state he's in, and when I was 10 weeks along he left our family home. A few friends and my brother (all male and childless) gave strong pressure to abort, with similar logic about finances, opportunities, selfishness, capabilities etc etc. It was hard to hear, but ultimately I knew they were very concerned for me in the way you would be if you evaluate the situation with logic and no emotion. They only could see it as making things harder....which is true, when you exclude the sides of parenting non-parents know nothing about....

I wavered on my choice, but here I am at 18 weeks, baby kicking away inside as I type. Husband still lives out of the house, and I dont know what will come...

But trust yourself, and seek support from those capable of giving it, and know that even those who speak harsh words mean well and just can not grasp the enormity of such a decision....

And congrats, may you have a healthy pregnancy with no bedrest!!!

Sarahfina
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#22 of 33 Old 04-17-2010, 10:57 PM
 
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Just wanted to offer HUGS to you and concur with those who emphasize that this is YOUR choice--only you know what is right for you and your family. The future does not exist, and this friend was way out of line in jumping to such harsh projections.

Best wishes to you!
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#23 of 33 Old 04-17-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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Personal decisions can really ONLY be assessed by the person in question, but particularly those requiring bravery. Either of these choices would take extreme bravery- there was no easy out, as you can attest to. Major soul searching you did to come up with your answer.

I salute you for making the choice you could most live with, naysayers be damned. Such a strong mama is JUST the kind of mama your kids need! I am happy for them all.

(Plus I wanted to second what others have said about poverty/ marriage/ etc not being the true predictor of the quality of a childhood! It's all an adventure, and you are clearly a tough woman who can rise to whatever challenges come along.)
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#24 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 09:37 AM
 
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Personally, I would have hung up on so called friend the minute he didn't respect my choice and refused to change the subject.

It's your body, it's your choice. Your "friend" was wrong to have not let you change the subject.

If you choose to talk to him again, it is okay to set boundaries. And enforce them. Even if it means hanging up on him.
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#25 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 09:41 AM
 
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well, I'm still hoping he doesn't sign a lease here because then he'll be in the same town indefinitely. I'd really rather him be on the East Coast.

Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it.

And not like the consequences. One of those would be that the father of the children would have the kids for most of the summer break and school holidays.

Besides, him being in the same town as his kids would be better for the kids.
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#26 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 09:57 AM
 
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Having a child is never a logical decision. He's trying to look at it that way, when IMHO it's a choice that has to be made with the heart. I hope his negativity came from a caring place, but I say he's still better avoided for now!
I know spectacular people who had no dad, and lousy people with 2 wonderful parents... and vice versa. 3 is not that much harder than 2, and I'm sure you'll do fine.
CONGRATULATIONS!

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#27 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 10:23 AM
 
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Ugh, that sucks. I agree that the difference between 2 and 3 kids isn't much, financially speaking. You can pass down clothes, share bedrooms, ect. They don't even eat much until they are 9 or 10 and by then you will likely have everything in order and be prepared to support them as they grow. Babies hardly cost anything at all.

And no man will want you!? Sheesh, that's hitting below the belt. What he meant was, a person like HIM won't want you. But you wouldn't want a partner who treated you like crap, so no problem.

I'm a single mom with a crazy ex, 2 kids, one of whom has severe medical problems and is disabled. Many people shy away from her because it's quite overwhelming to see this little girl struggling so much. But I found a loving man who doesn't care about my "baggage" at all and treats my DD like his own kid. He doesn't even have kids yet. He went from 26 and single to 26 with a girlfriend with 2 kids, holding my hand while my DD almost died. Within a week of getting together. No exaggeration. They exist, I can assure you. If you are ever open to finding another partner, that's one thing you DON'T have to worry about.
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#28 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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No man will want you?

I know several moms who found wonderful loving men, partners, despite having children, from babies to teenagers. That's a lie.


Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#29 of 33 Old 04-18-2010, 10:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it.

And not like the consequences. One of those would be that the father of the children would have the kids for most of the summer break and school holidays.

Besides, him being in the same town as his kids would be better for the kids.
Please don't generalize. You don't know our situation. And why would he automatically get summer holidays?

mama of DS(3) & DD(2)
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#30 of 33 Old 04-27-2010, 06:00 PM
 
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Yep..logical vs emotional. That is why women are the baby makers. Congrats on finding peace with your situation. Hugs to you, and stay well. Keeping your stomach form getting empty helped tremendously with keeping morning sickness at bay for me.

Non Practicing Midwife, going back to school! Mamma to my 3 loves, living each day to the fullest.
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