Thank you for your words meemee,
It is clear I have big trouble accepting sadness and anger and all negative feelings as a bundle together with joy and satisfaction and wholeness.
I fall into the "it shouldn't be like this" thinking pattern. Also, since I did nothing wrong, I feel victimized. All I did was to be sucessfull on many areas and my partner could never deal with that. Envious he started to take me down and betrayed me on many levels.
He had an image of a little fragile girl he met at 16 and could never acept me becoming a strong, bold assertive woman.
In turn I attached so strongly to the commitment I made to the marriage that I neglected my own wellbeing. This is a mistake I want my son to learn from. I do want him to be very aware of what he wants and go for it. I cannot teach what I don't have so I am growing myself so I can.
It costed me dearly, I am turning 40 this year and I never really had 20's or 30's what does that look like...?
Enough rambling. THis is my path and my son is part of it. And he can be a very happy well grounded loving, trusting and trustworthy man. I will certainly do my best to promote that.