Important Question for Dating Mamas - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 9 Old 04-21-2010, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not putting this in the dating thread because I don't post there and don't want it to get lost, so here is my question....

Since I have a baby and don't want him getting too attached to the man I'm dating (until, say, we became engaged) how do you cope with not being able to do adventurous and spontaneous things that a child-less couple get to do? Usually people get to do this stuff before getting married and having kids. I feel it is so important to get to know people in different contexts but for now I can only see my man for several hours in the evening after I put my baby to bed and so many of our interests are day-time activities (i.e. camping, river rafting, wine-tasting, etc.)-- he wants to "build memories" with me as I do with him but I feel trapped because I don't have the luxury of spontaneity anymore. Do I make an effort to have my parents watch my son like once a month during the daytime so I can have a daytime date? Or, do I simply include him on more of the adventures that my son and I do together even though I am trying to navigate what healthy attachment looks like (we go to organic farms, on road trips, etc.)-- I am torn and really would like to know how you ladies deal with getting to know a man in different contexts when your schedules and life circumstances are limiting? Thank you in advance!
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#2 of 9 Old 04-21-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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I've been approaching all possible dates as friends.. then I hang out with them for a while as a friend - kinda checking them out thoroughly. Now I may not be the best person to ask because through this process I have yet to really like someone well enough after a few months of just hanging out with them (and I've had two men that just quit coming around cause I insisted on being friends first and they wanted dates, kisses, closeness etc..) I have lots of friends that are men, women, married, single, kid'less, lots of kids -- so my children just see everyone as another person we know. I make a point of not seeing one person regularly (totally on purpose). I'm hoping that one day the perfect man will become my best friend and then our relationship will blossom from there into a wonderful partnership and we'll ride off into the sunset on his harley with my littles (and maybe his) in our sidecar
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#3 of 9 Old 04-22-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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i am the same with junipersmom.

i socialise with a bunch of people. so when dd goes with me no ONE person really stands out. Just the 3 of us have done stuff together.

however all my dates turned into friends. so we still are in contact with each other.

we do the same thing you like doing - mostly day trips though.

so if you were not socialising with a bunch of people but spending mostly time with him then i would not take your baby. but if dating is amongst one of teh things you do then the fear of attachment is reduced.

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#4 of 9 Old 04-23-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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I agree with the others.

I also wanted to add, there are many things I have missed over the years because I could not just drop off the kids somewhere or go to a late night concert or club or whatever. It has less to do with being a single person and more to do with being the kind of parent I've chosen to be.

I think people take the idea of 'don't introduce your child' too far sometimes. It's healthy, normal and part of life to have people in our lives in many different capacites...so trust your instincts and do what feels good for your family.

We have had friends (female and male) come into our lives and go out of our lives for a variety of reasons and I've always just seen that as part of a normal life experience and when it's been difficult, we've all just worked through our loss together.
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#5 of 9 Old 04-24-2010, 08:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
I agree with the others.

I also wanted to add, there are many things I have missed over the years because I could not just drop off the kids somewhere or go to a late night concert or club or whatever. It has less to do with being a single person and more to do with being the kind of parent I've chosen to be.

I think people take the idea of 'don't introduce your child' too far sometimes. It's healthy, normal and part of life to have people in our lives in many different capacites...so trust your instincts and do what feels good for your family.

We have had friends (female and male) come into our lives and go out of our lives for a variety of reasons and I've always just seen that as part of a normal life experience and when it's been difficult, we've all just worked through our loss together.
Ditto to all of that.

I was totally in the "don't introduce ds to every man in sight". But I introduced ds to dp long before we were engaged (since we were living together for about 1 1/2 years before we got engaged!). In our case, ds has special needs (autism) so I had to make sure dp could handle it. I also had to make sure ds was comfortable with dp. If the two didn't mesh then dp and I would have been done and our relationship would not have gone further. When I introduced them I told ds that dp was my friend. That was it. DS was 3 when I introduced them. He's 6 1/2 now and is just starting to understand what "married", "husband/wife", etc mean.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#6 of 9 Old 04-24-2010, 09:02 PM
 
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I believe very strongly in not bringing men home to meet my child unless I am engaged because I have seen how hard it has been for my friend's son to settle in with so many men rotating in and out of his life. I have also known two people who brought child molestors into their children's lives and I would like to avoid doing that. I have my family and friends help out with baby sitting so I can have a little more flexibility. I don't have as much flexibility as I did when I was single, but I won't even if I were to get married either because my child will always come first so I think it would be false of me to try to make an effort to act in a way that goes against who I am and the relationship I value with my child.
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#7 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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I believe very strongly in not bringing men home to meet my child unless I am engaged because I have seen how hard it has been for my friend's son to settle in with so many men rotating in and out of his life. I have also known two people who brought child molestors into their children's lives and I would like to avoid doing that.
For the child molester part- trust your gut. That little voice inside you says a lot.

As for the first part.... I guess we can agree to disagree I cannot see dating a man long enough to become engaged (because I wouldn't be one to jump into getting engaged or married) but not have him meet my child. How would I know if the two would get along? What if I dated the man long enough to be engaged to him, introduce him to my child and have things not go well? Of course I would choose my child over any man, which is why I would never spend that much time on a relationship without making sure it works for my son too.

For the record- dp is the only man ds met so it's not like I was bringing home a different man every week I was completely single (not dating at all) from when I left ds's bio-dad (at just under 3 months old) until ds was a little over 3 years old.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#8 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 11:10 AM
 
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There is also a real difference between your child(ren) *meeting* someone a couple of times, especially in group settings such as at a backyard picnic with a bunch of other people, and someone *becoming part of their lives*.

Kids are perfectly capable of meeting (non-parent, non-already-family) adults in all kinds of settings that they see once or a few times or more and then never again. Even if they liked them/bonded with them. Without harm. Do it all they time. Visiting teacher. Substitute teacher/daycare worker. Person running a theme birthday party. Summer camp coaches. Etc.

Allowing them to meet/having them meet someone your dating in a low-key way, especially with other people around to boot, as your "friend" or even as your "boy(girl)friend", is completely different than going away for a week-long vacation with someone you've introdued as their "new step-parent-to-be". IMO.
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#9 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 02:40 PM
 
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i look at the perspectives as friends as well. i am not rushing into anything and not allowing anyone to pressure me into something serious either. i do not introduce anyone to my child. only male friends who have known me before dd have met her and i will keep it that way.

reason being, she is only parented by me. she doesn't have anyone else, so when she meets a man she'll become pretty strongly attracted to him because she often says that she wants and daddy, too, like most of her friends.

so, i will date and if i get really serious ever again, then she MAY meet the person. note the MAY.

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