Feelings of loneliness - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 04-22-2010, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
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Hey, all. It's been a while since posting to this site, but after many years, I still find myself back here, hoping for ... empathy? support? validation?

I have been single for a very long time. Recently (well, okay, I guess it's been, like 2 years... but that's a whole other complicated story) I started "dating" a man, and things are touch and go with us, seemingly on his terms. The problem is, I want to be with him. After 2 years, he's all I want to be with. But he is more of the loner type. Prefers space. Likes to check out for days/weeks at a time. He always comes back. But even then, is he really here?

I'm just so lonely. I want to come home to a partner, I want to share my days with a man. I want to know that at the end of the day, I can rest my head on his shoulder, and he can wrap his arms around me, and we can have a spiritual exchange.

As I type this, the answer is clear to me that I just need to move on. But I can't. He has this grip on me that I just can't shake.

We discuss his need of space. I've let him know of my need for a partner. Neither seem to want to part ways, but it seems obvious that neither can provide the other with what they really want/ need.

I really don't know the point of this post.

Do you all feel lonely as single parents? How do you deal? Friends are great, but when I get home I feel lost in my own head with thoughts that aren't healthy.

Advice? Stories to share? Hugs for me?? lol. I guess I'll take whatever you can give me!!

With love and warmth,

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#2 of 9 Old 04-22-2010, 10:56 PM
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My last bf was similar to how you were describing your bf. In the beginning, I just made sure that I kept my life fulfilling and busy and enjoyed the time he was available. Although, in retrospect, I think I can count the number of times he was fully present and available on one hand. But, at the time, I was happy with my life and whatever he could give me was enough.

After 1.5 years, it just wasn't enough anymore. I needed more, I wanted more and he was just never going to be able to give it to me. We parted ways. It wasn't easy. My heart hurt. But, time passes, the hurt eases and I have happily moved on to bigger and better things.

There will come a time when you will just know that it is not enough and that you would rather be alone and looking for what you are truly wanting versus staying in the situation you are in. Sounds like you are getting closer to that realization.

In regards to loneliness, I cannot say I feel that way now (and I am still w/o a bf... heck, I am not even actively dating). But, I have in the past. It comes and goes. When I do start to feel loneliness creep up on me, I just remind myself, "This too shall pass." I call friends. I do something special for myself. I also read through my gratitude journal, which is a great reminder of all I have in my life.
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#3 of 9 Old 04-23-2010, 12:30 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for that, Holland73. I am getting close to the point where I can verbally express to him that it's just not working, though I say it in my head all the time. I say all of what you said in my head all the time! But then he comes around, and his soul energy just consumes me, and I'm that lost little girl again, just wanting to hold on to... something. Hope?

Heavy hearts are hard to deal with. But as they say, you have to feel the sadness to know the joy. It's hard to remember when you're in the throes of it, but you're exactly right.

Thank-you so much.

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#4 of 9 Old 04-23-2010, 02:38 AM
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I am in a similar situation at the moment, except the man is my husband (he and I are currently living apart). I know how you feel. Part of me wants to tell him that enough is enough, the other part says that I love him with all my heart and will give him what he needs.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel.

It's complicated.
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#5 of 9 Old 04-23-2010, 11:25 PM
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The fact is, you can't change him but you can change how you view things.

Take your partner out of the equation for a moment.

Ask yourself these questions: What do you really want from a relationship? What are the qualities you're looking for? What does your 'ideal' relationship look like? When you figure that out, then ask yourself, What do you think you'll feel when you have all those qualities?/What do you think it will feel like if you were in a relationship with all of those things? Spend some time really thinking about this for awhile and really acknowledge what you're looking for here. We think it is the "THING" we want, but really, it's a FEELING we're after. Figure out what you want to feel and why and see if you can start to feel those things in other ways.

You can't change him, BUT you can change your focus and when you start focusing on everything you want, you'll start to move in the direction of having everything you want. And when you do that, one of two things will happen. Either you will realize that what you want is out there with someone else and you will just know and feel like it is time to move on (much like what Holland wrote), or you will start to realize that you love what you have and find ways to meet your own needs in your own ways and forget about the parts that aren't working so well and your relationship will improve.

Whatever the answer is for you...I am wishing you peace and love.
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#6 of 9 Old 04-24-2010, 09:18 AM - Thread Starter
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Oh, ladies. This is why I keep coming back. Such wise, wise, loving and supportive souls out there.

Thank you Chats. Again, exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it.

This *is* about me. *I* have soul searching to do to figure out my real wants/needs. Time to take responsibility for myself, and to learn more about me. Something that is so easy to run away from somehow, but never looking at these questions is going to keep me running.

There is no need to rush through these questions, and this relationship.

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you ladies for providing just the right words (it's beyond just the words, though, isn't it?).

Warmth and love,

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#7 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 08:51 AM
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I want to come home to a partner, I want to share my days with a man. I want to know that at the end of the day, I can rest my head on his shoulder, and he can wrap his arms around me, and we can have a spiritual exchange.
OMG, that is so me! That is exactly my dilemma, I want that so bad.
Everybody tell me to focus on me and I am doing this, but the partner side of my life is a void.
I am dating somebody and guess what, he becomes distant too... I wonder if I am just too needy. We went on a date Thursday night. We shared a lot of laughs. We talked Friday at 5pm, after that I called twice and he didn't answer.
Today is Sunday and I have not heard from him...not even a text. I saw he updated his facebook, but didn't have anything for me.

I know this is not what I want so I am trying to make myself happy and I guess enjoy the attention he can give for now.

I like MsChatsAlot suggestion, I have built things into my life that way. But never on the relationship department. I am too emotional about that I guess.
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#8 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 08:35 PM
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I'm still so freshly divorced that I can't imagine getting into a relationship ever.

I get very lonely for adult conversation or just time to myself, but have my kids full time. I wouldn't trade having them with me for anything, but it's lonely and stressful to always be the person who's on call. My older son is going through puberty so there's a lot of up and down with him and it wears me down. Sometimes I want to run away, but I can't.

I keep trying to focus on my obligation to my kids as a way to get through the bum days and the struggling financially, emotionally, etc. It's rough, but we will do because we have to.
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#9 of 9 Old 04-25-2010, 10:50 PM
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we hear you. sometimes, you just have to get with an understanding group. i hear you. i've been single now since 2006 and would love to have a partner, but the conditions haven't aligned themselves yet. i remember that loneliness when i wasn't quite alone and it hurts. but you will know what to do and when to do it. just trust yourself.

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