Taking Our Power Back. Right Now. *~*'~* May Dating Thread *~*'~* - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It sounds harsh. Some of you are already doing this. Some of us aren't.........but let me back up.

I hear the 'voices' of strong, intelligent, amazing women on this thread. I hear the voices of amazing mothers on this thread. The kind of women our sons will grow up to admire and respect and learn of the amazingness of womankind from. The kinds of women your daughters will grow up to emulate. Bravo, us!!!!!!! We really do rock. It's a group here I am proud to belong to.

We had a hard April, most of us. There was a happy happy joy joy period in 2009, towards the end there, where some of us chronically loveless were finding or deepening relationships with special someones. A month or three months (or, in Seie's case, a year) later.... gulp. ouch.

We're doing a damn good job letting ourselves be human, juggling other aspects of our lives, etc, but darn it we are not quite as empowered about our dating lives as we could be.

Let's start taking all our amazing power back. Stand up a little straighter, starting today. Remind yourself that you are a goddess, in the mirror. After all, our kids already look at us like that. Men are already noticing us as such. But let's face it, there are users, manipulators, leeches (however you want to call it, potato, potatoe) out there who will latch on (and not in the good way!) and take a little piece of our spirits, and a ton of our energy and time, if we let them.

New protocol. New methods. New hoops that must be jumped through.

Don't forget, nothing is more sexy than confidence.

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

We're nurturers. Givers by nature. Self-absorbed men (vultures) who love that kind of treatment must find us by our scent or something. Some of the most amazingly caring, nurturing mothers I have ever even heard of (sugar, seie, muse, heck -all of you) are also some women who have certainly been taken out for a temporary fantasy ride and then dumped back on your front porch, back to the grind as a single mama, without a sweetie. It absolutely sucks. But the common denominator is us. How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?

I, for one, am done. No more free rides (in the figurative sense, get your minds out of the gutter). I want a partner- a provider, a supporter, and a male figure who is capable of pulling his weight in the nurturing arena, as well. If he's offering only his time, for who-knows-how-long, then NEXT!!! This thread is full of MILFs and we don't gotta settle.
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#2 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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Just what I needed to read today "Peter Pan" is old news now :P
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#3 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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....glad someone benefitted!

Seie - You are suffering in limbo land and although you have a sweet crutch with the Manager, if your feelings aren't deepening into gooey gooey "I'm so lucky he's with me and not someone else" then you gotta tell him it's the friends zone for him. You'll feel relief from finding a decision about this. And maybe being all by yourself to stare at your grief over LL in the mirror and have one last hurrah of a wallow in those feelings, is what you need. The worst is then behind, I promise. You are entering a new phase whether it always feels that way or not. By sometime this summer, you won't feel like the knife was wrenched from your back sixty seconds ago. You'll still feel a raw spot there, but not nearly as fresh.

LoveOhm - You seem to really know what you are doing, and know how to play your life like a maestro. I think you and all of us know you are just juggling placeholders until the right guy comes along, though. The Artist is not gonna step up and make you the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what you'd need from the 1 and only in your life, and the Agent just don't ring your bell. Put yourself out there and find that 'whole package' dude--becuase you are the whole package chica.

Sugarmoon - I'm so glad you got a friend outta ATG. That does rock. And you sound so self-aware and 'in motion.' I love it. And like you didn't need my speech today.

muse - Seriously, block. As in, yesterday. BLOCK.. NEXT!!!!

mumblemama - I wanna know!!!! dish!!!!!!


As for me, the DutchGuy and I video skyped for hours last night and are all ga-ga in love but I pretty much know without a shadow of a doubt that he's not gonna get a divorce so he can be with me. It just doesn't feel like he's on the verge of a major life upheaval, when he has a pretty cool life going on. Which is fine, I guess. He seems to care about me and admire me tremendously, so I emailed today and asked him to put his $$ where his mouth is (a carefully requested chunk of financial assistance, one that he could easily afford to do and which makes a lot of sense in regards to my life situation) and help out. Let's see if he comes through. Not to put a price tag on his sincerity, but... let's not forget he's loaded and as of yet, despite knowing how much I could use a bit of help, hasn't offered. This is month 3 (or is it 4?) since we've been in such frequent contact. I think it's reasonable (at least the way I phrased it, and for the purpose I described, it was) that he do something. I didn't even put an exact figure on it. It he balks at providing in any way for me, despite being the woman he claims is on his mind and in his dreams, 24/7, accompanying him everywhere, then..... I'm sorry, but !!!!!!! I think it will be a good point for me to trust him as far as I can throw him (and he's a huge guy, in a 6'4" and muscle-y way) and get him off my mind, if he declines.

Other than that, I'm going to Paris with girlfriends this weekend! Last time I was there it was when VGB and I fell in love, so I need new memories in that town. Now.
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#4 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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I have been a single parents once...........

I believe the reason I was successful in finding a great partner was because taking back my power didn't mean I controlled everything.

Coming out of a crappy relationship, I realized it wasn't all his fault NOR mine. I had played a vital part in that relationship. Gaining myself meant I had to take responsibility for that choice and my actions. I choose a man that was bad for many reasons. Gaining my strength and power mean dealing with those issues and learning to navigate them.

Quote:
Men are already noticing us as such. But let's face it, there are users, manipulators, leeches (however you want to call it, potato, potatoe) out there who will latch on (and not in the good way!) and take a little piece of our spirits, and a ton of our energy and time, if we let them.
This is really a hateful an unproductive attitude. It is a gross generalization of men. Once you realize there are some PEOPLE no matter their Gender are this way. The thing is you have to find a partner that isn't that way. And there is a lot of good people out there!

Quote:
Self-absorbed men (vultures) who love that kind of treatment must find us by our scent or something. Some of the most amazingly caring, nurturing mothers I have ever even heard of (sugar, seie, muse, heck -all of you) are also some women who have certainly been taken out for a temporary fantasy ride and then dumped back on your front porch, back to the grind as a single mama, without a sweetie. It absolutely sucks. But the common denominator is us. How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?
Relationships are a give and take. They find you/us not because of our scent but because of our day in and day out actions with other people and ourselves. You don't want control the relationship, you want to control yourself and be able to give an take respectfully.

A good person doesn't always make the most money. Review your standards that guy making ok money might be a good person.

Appreciate the simple things. The person giving you the most might have a dirty financial secret that haunts you long after.

Those that show off the most are not always the best choice.

Also analyze why you dad bad people....sometimes we date people "below" us because we want to feel superior. Don't try to rescue of fix the other person, you have not control over that.

Don't be a rescuer and don't expect him to be your rescuer.

Oddly enough -- track your period. When I ovulate, I get lustful and more likely to find a jerk.
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#5 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 05:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?
I am clear up front. I just told someone today that I was not going to allow him to change my requirments and wants. We are not twins and his requirements (or lack thereof) have nothing to do with my standards. Either he can or he can't. It's just that simple. I have nothing to lose. I am already alone. I cannot allow someone else to dictate my expectations and I will not. I think he gets the picture. I am not the girlfriend for life type. Either something happens or push on. I think he may get that now.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

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#6 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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[im outta here, good luck all]
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#7 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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Great post Butterflymom!

as for the question of the month....i don't know...i agree with bad mama jama that being upfront is good

i don't know really...im still waiting to see whats next w mr. electrician

its so funny bc i consider myself very confident and know what i want, but when it comes to men i get all foggy in the brain!!!

solo-student-mama to 3 crazy kiddos
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#8 of 37 Old 05-04-2010, 09:11 PM
 
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Butterfly! She's back with a bang! My golly I've missed you, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I LOVE your speech today! I'm in a pretty good space with ATG, but it still stings, as times, for sure. And I am really puzzling as to why/how all these relationships end in the same way -- am I missing an earlier clue?

In other news, I have a new contender writing to me off the local dating site. Pretty cute, he's a college prof, so well educated...he may turn out to be a bit to 'average' for my taste, but he may also turn out to be surprisingly not average, hard to say, so far. But I'm in a good space for casually getting to know people, so I'll take it. The only bad thing, so far? He has the same name as my xh.

Glad to see everyone here!
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#9 of 37 Old 05-05-2010, 11:37 AM
 
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WOW, Butterflymom, you are bang on target with this post, and EXACTLY what i needed to hear as i start slipping into amnesia and doubts re CG. peter pan? wow, have you actually met him? you are unbelievably spot on with that one!

here's the gift though, this last "relationship" TRULY helped me in a million ways understand better where i am stuck, and helped me mature and move ahead with much more clarity. it also truly gave me so many gifts and i understand now brought me back to myself after the end of my marriage had knocked that out of me. what i understand; I *NEEDED* this to happen, and i also needed to end it.

Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

i'm going to ponder this because i'm not sure i'm even looking to date again yet. a friend warned me when i was eyeing a dr that we both know is probably trouble (but oh so handsome), that i am in a space right now where i could easily be attracted to the wrong thing.

i am feeling so happy to come back to *myself*. i miss CG, I miss the true deep soul connection we had, but I am happy to find in myself everything else that didn't quite fit into that and which i put aside. A big part was me really standing up for myself, in a non confrontational way, and I feel good about how i ended things in that regard.

On my treasure map this yr, images of relationship are to do with freedom, spaciousness, courage, fearlessness, care, respect. What i said to CG when things were falling apart: "I want to be in a relationship where we help each other *fly*". What i said to my mom in the breakup : "I'm looking for a man who is an adult and who can truly face life and all it brings".

I have great trust and hope.
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#10 of 37 Old 05-05-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
Oddly enough -- track your period. When I ovulate, I get lustful and more likely to find a jerk.
haha! so true for me too. which is why i need to steer clear of the Dr right now
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#11 of 37 Old 05-05-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*. I need some more concrete ways to put my plans, dreams, and hopes onto paper and into action, and I am also (finally!) a bit more willing to embrace the "woo-woo" ways of putting things out to the universe....

I gmail chatted for a while with the new contender last night, I'll call him the anthropologist, cause that's what he is...very creative, I know. He seems okay, but I need to work, even in that, on being mindful of *my* time -- i was about to close the compu and go shower/go to bed when he caught me on chat, and we ended up chatting for an hour...so I didn't have time to shower before bed like I usually do.

I just have such a hard time putting hard limits on my time, my willingness to give, be friendly, polite, accommodating, etc. I mean, the chatting with him was enjoyable and fine, but it is an example, to me, for me, of how easily I set aside whatever it is I was doing, or planning to do, in order to spend time with/on someone else.

So, food for thought, for me, this morning.
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#12 of 37 Old 05-05-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sugarmoon View Post
Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*. I need some more concrete ways to put my plans, dreams, and hopes onto paper and into action, and I am also (finally!) a bit more willing to embrace the "woo-woo" ways of putting things out to the universe....
It is also called a vision or dream board.

Check out this link for more information: http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to...-vision-board/

I make mine using Oprah's O Dream Board: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/O-Dream-...ur-Best-LifeTM It is all digital, using FREE dowloadable Adobe software. Then, I just print it out on my color printer, as mine is constantly evolving and changing.
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#13 of 37 Old 05-05-2010, 08:08 PM
 
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Anyways, for those who do online dating which preferrably isn't working for me . Anyhow I was wondering if there are any hints for single decent guys to be hanging out at ?

Where would they usually be I'm not into bars and so I'm curious where they could be able to found .
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#14 of 37 Old 05-06-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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"Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?"

I am so happy to have found this group! YAY! First off, butterfly mom, your post is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today! 3 months into a JDATE relationship I found out that after wanting to be exclusive early on (his idea) he is back to checking his online profile messages and then acting like it isn't a big deal...and now he's pulling the "I don't know if I want to be a dad yet" card when HE found ME and sought me out full-knowing I have a kid! He likes me, I'm attractive, bla bla bla...and then the big "BUT" the elephant in the room of being a single mom...is this how it always goes down? Meeting an apparently great guy and they want to back out suddenly? It's not over 100% yet, but...I really can't stand the inconsistency of it all...

So, as for the question...what I've learned so far that will empower me:
1) Apparently waiting 3 months to be intimate is nowhere near enough time....next time, wait until the love and exclusiveness if there FIRST, so I can find a man who loves me truly for who I am and not just how i look; it is really dis-empowering to give of yourself too soon, too easily(and here I thought 3 months was GOOOOOOD...hahahahahha)
2) Continue to date as many people as I want until there is a HUUUUUGE talk and serious talk about exclusivity; don't let one man be the center of my universe...isn't it funny how they want to be able to date around but want us to be exclusive? One-sided exclusiveness...like, they're looking for someone of the same caliber as we are or "better" but WITHOUT a kid...eff that...
3) Do a lot of screening, especially on the phone, etc. to weed guys out before allotting any of my precious time to physically go on a date
4) Continue to live my life in abundance and not put any plans on hold to fit around a potential date's schedule... i skipped a ski trip last month so I could hang out with my boyfriend who I guess isn't even my boyfriend since he doesn't like the "pressure" to commit...bahahhahahaha
5) DON'T SETTLE...sometimes i want to settle for someone "decent" even if I know they aren't 100% right for me out of the fear of not being able to find someone that is a good guy AND embraces my single-motherhood; I get scared I can't have it all and then try to make relationships work that clearly don't or shouldn't

OK...end of rant...
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#15 of 37 Old 05-08-2010, 02:52 PM
 
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Okay....I'm thinking about the question of the month this morning. I have noticed (and I think, remarked on in this thread) that I do tend to very easily give my power away in relationships. What I mean by that is that my default assumption is that I want to be with him, he may or may not want to be with me.

But the next step of that realization, for me, is that I *like* that power imbalance. Or not that I like it, but that when that feeling isn't there, I tend to dismiss the relationship early. I like being "head over heels" or "smitten" with someone. I love that giddy, intense connection.

But.

But, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Which leads me to ponder things with PhotoGuy. We had lunch earlier in the week, and had a few drinks last night. It got a little strange, in the way things do in small towns, as we ended up at the bar in the restaurant where ATG works, and the woman ATG is seeing was there as well -- luckily there are 2 bars, so ATG and I (after exchanging normal, low key greetings) wordlessly worked it out so they were are one bar and PG and I were at the other.

Anyway.

I enjoy PG's company. He is smart, he makes me laugh, and he was rocking my bedroom a few weeks ago . And the goodnight kiss I got last night was a serious improvement from the initial kiss I mentioned previously....

So what? I'm just still "eh". Possibly (at least partly) b/c of the lack of transition time from ATG to PG...but....also because it is a "he is growing on me" kind of thing, not a "hit in the face with smitten" kind of thing.

And maybe, maybe (I'm getting to the point here, I promise!) this is also partly about me being comfortable feeling like I can hold onto my power (which for me, equates into holding onto mySELF, my dreams, my time, my plans, my ME) in the context of a relationship?

I'm working on my zen about the whole thing. Letting the whole mess unfold.

Oh, and another small town funny: I am pretty good friends (as is ATG) with the woman who tends bar at the bar where PG and I were hanging out. She was not at the bar though, when PG and I came in together, and so she didn't realize that he and I were there together (we had already bought drinks, which PG had paid for, at the other bar, which might have been her other clue, and I only had water after getting to her bar), and she kept starting talking about ATG and how she wished he had appreciate me...I kept having to change the subject, and finally pulled her out of the bar and into the kitchen to explain that I was on a DATE with the guy next me!

So that's my life....

Hope the weekend is treating all of you well!
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#16 of 37 Old 05-08-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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Muse, can you tell me more about treasure mapping? I keep hearing about it, but am always confused about what exactly it *is*.
sugarmoon, do a search here on mdc, in the spirituality forums.

oy, i need to dome some more inner work. CG popped up again last night in a text msg, very intense one, acknowledging that his behavior came out of anxieties that got stirred up for him....then again today asking me how i could abandon all hope for us...everyone in my life is telling me ignore, disengage, and yet i keep getting back in there, responding to him.

i am absolutely no good at detaching from people, and especially because i have *such* mixed feelings about this one. the time we spent together was truly precious. i ahd such hope. and then some big stuff came up and stuff got triggered and it all headed south. which would be one thing if it was just DONE, but he is still hanging on and apparently i am too...
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#17 of 37 Old 05-12-2010, 02:58 AM
 
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Question of the month, ladies: How do you plan on changing your habits to create a dating life that will be more about you calling the shots and seeking out love and romance on your terms?

Butterfly I am really happy to see you bringing energy to this thread!

Dating as a single mom has opened my eyes to so much - including that I'm not really looking to call the shots and have things on my terms..... I do have standards of how I desire to be treated and like Bad Mama Jama I state those items right up front which sends the boys looking for a play thing running for the hills. More so than having things on my terms I desire a best friend - and need someone who is in a place where they are open to and desire the same. I am looking to build a friendship - a once in a life time this person knows me better than any other kind of friendship and I'm looking to build a family..... as since we all know Rome was not built in a day we know building takes time! I am okay with this taking time but I need to know they want the same and are willing to build along side me - two bricks for each one I lay or at least brick for brick. This leads to your other question....

How do we start finding the men with the ice scrapers and less those Peter Pan types who really are not in a place to create a meaningful family life with a kick-ass single mom like us?

Butterfly I struggle with this question alot more than the question of the month. Crazy part is the Agent is the guy with the ice scrapper....... and it has only shown me that the ice scrapper is sadly not enough. And leads me to wonder - Do men need to have accomplished a certain level of success / security (and I don't means in only a financial sense - but whatever they individually define as success) before they are capable of being the man with the ice scrapper?

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LoveOhm - You seem to really know what you are doing, and know how to play your life like a maestro. I think you and all of us know you are just juggling placeholders until the right guy comes along, though. The Artist is not gonna step up and make you the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what you'd need from the 1 and only in your life, and the Agent just don't ring your bell. Put yourself out there and find that 'whole package' dude--becuase you are the whole package chica.
hahaha I do somewhat know what I'm doing and it's feels kinda sad and naughty, that I can see and admit that! Sadly it appears both the Agent and the Artist may not be more than really nice placeholders but I do hope it may grow to something more than that.

I thought I was healed and ready for "the one" if he should enter and I do believe I am emotionally ready, however in dating the Artist I realized I do really need to focus on my career and get my financial house in order prior to being in a serious relationship with someone who is new. So I am committed to working on those areas.

That said, my child-free weekend at the end of April was a mix bag. I had one AMAZING day with the Agent! He deeply values every effort I make and is the ice scrapper hands down. We have discussed politics a few times over the past month and the conversation has been engaging but not life altering..... then I spent the evening and all the next day at an amazing hotel and spa all his gift to me for the hard work I do as a mother. Yes I melted since as a solo mama I often feel under appreciated for all the parenting work I put in. Then late that afternoon after leaving the spa I jumped on a flight and met up with the Artist ----- who worked all night and I barely got to see then at 1AM when he wrapped working he called and we grabbed drinks with the film crew then went to chat and that chat was soooooo disappointing. More about this to come in private.....

All in all I decided that the Artist and I just are not worth my effort at this time. He is not really getting it and thinks he just needs some time to get other areas in his life together but Butterfly is right the Artist is "not gonna step up and make me the center of his world and he's not nearly as established as what I would need from the 1 and only in my life."

So I am still in a relationship? with the Agent (if you all remember how that relationship came to be you understand the ?) and in many ways I am happy for now....... do I envision wedding bells honestly no - but I do envision us having a healthy in the mean time relationship and if it builds to something more I am open to that. One thing I LOVE about him is I can be 100% honest so the areas I am concerned about can be addressed ----- he is willing to put in the work, I just have to be willing to voice it.

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I make mine using Oprah's O Dream Board: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/O-Dream-...ur-Best-LifeTM It is all digital, using FREE dowloadable Adobe software. Then, I just print it out on my color printer, as mine is constantly evolving and changing.
I have used a traditional cork board but LOVE the O Dream Board concept ---- thank for sharing this Holland!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#18 of 37 Old 05-12-2010, 02:59 AM
 
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I will respond to everyone in the next couple days...... I have just been slammed with finals!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#19 of 37 Old 05-13-2010, 01:46 AM
 
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I'm so glad that this forum exists. I used to come on and read it for inspiration for dating, but I just wasn't ready to do it myself at the time.

Well, I finally joined match.com 9 days ago, and it's a little overwhelming. Here I am reading about you all discussing what qualities you would or wouldn't allow into your lives, and I am not sure how to respond to a wink or even if I want to email some of these men that are profuse in their compliments.

I know the dynamics of how this whole thing works. You email, then maybe you have some phone calls, then maybe you meet a few times for short coffee dates, then maybe it will continue on...

My conundrum is how in the heck am I supposed to find time for all that? I've realized that I am happy in my day-to-day single mom life, but the times I want company are at night when my kids are in bed sleeping. Well, it's going to take me a LONG time before I'll let some man come into my house especially at night with my kids home.

So, I know this isn't that exciting, but at least I'm here. At least I'm finally taking proactive steps to meet somebody. I am going to be very discerning and slow-moving. Thanks for providing the space for me to share. I love this forum.
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#20 of 37 Old 05-13-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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Jumping in here.

I am seeing someone.

It was totally unexpected.

How is it different, well, for one thing he has good manners and is protective of me. As opposed to ex partner who was abusive and is out to hurt me anyway he can.

As for calling the shots...basically I've told him let's just play this by ear and see where it goes.

A lot of our dates include playing pool and so I am literally learning how to call the shots. He is a gentle and patient teacher and that's another thing I like about him.

I've also told him that I am just as happy to just hang out at home, good grief I was married for about 100 years to a homebody so going out as much as we have is a real refreshing change. I was delighted to just sit on the sofa, snuggle and watch star trek. LOL.

After a hard day yesterday I went to see him, spent about an hour talking, got a hug and went home again. He's busting his butt to pay off a debt, which is another thing I like, and I know he's telling the truth cuz when I went over to see him you could tell he was dog tired from a day of hard work. I need a man as ambitious as I am.

We are about at the point where I'd like to have a talk about defining our relationship but I'm holding back.

I thought he was trying to let me down easy the other night because we both have some things that might keep us apart, but no, that is not the case. He was just being up front with me and he told me not to worry and of course he has me pegged as someone who worries too much. LOL.

Anyhow, I hope it lasts for awhile because it makes me feel good and I'm going thru so much it's nice to get a hug and a kiss on a rough day.

My kids have been giving me a hard time about going out so much and seeing him. My son likes being the man of the house and can't fathom his mama has needs too. So anyhow, we have some adjusting to go thru. I told them if they didn't quit complaining we'd go out every night for a week straight.

Another thing I like was when my kids were balking about going out, he took a moment to explain they needed to respect me, he'd take good care of me, I needed a break and he'd bring me back safe and sound. He was concerned, but I told the kids I had my cell on and they did not call to disturb us. (I was like 10 minutes away if all hell broke loose with them). Like I told him they would balk about me seeing anyone, it's not him, with the PTSD we all have they just are right up my you know what ALL The time to feel safe and it's going to take some getting used to.

I told my snarky oldest dd who is never satisfied with anything I do that we can set up an e-harmony act and she can pick a guy for me to go out with and we'll see whose picker is better. She told me my picker is broken, but there are some things that tell me that I'm picking a different kind of guy now than I did when I got married.
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#21 of 37 Old 05-13-2010, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes I've started dating older, more establishes men. Do I pick dates by examining their net worth & picking the richest? Of course not. I just find that the career mentoring & networking help is really useful, and I've definitely enjoyed the other perks as well. But otherwise, the issues remain the same. And I'm not willing to compromise on important character & personality traits just because the guy is wealthy.

DutchGuy & I have had a rough day. He is suggesting that this is getting complicated, and I should end it, so that may be what I do. Ironically, asking for a small spot of financial assistance was the trigger. He feels uncomfortable with it, and given mmany, many details surrounding this relationship & the realities that I won't post here, his discomfort and even the fact that he didn't offer & I needed to request in the first place shows how non-thoughtful & non-generous he is.
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#22 of 37 Old 05-13-2010, 06:31 PM
 
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I've been lurking in these threads for quite a while, but never posted. It seems like this is the perfect month for me to start, as I am FINALLY taking charge of my dating life. I'll be back when I'm not chasing a toddler around!

Single Mama to Vincent 3/30/09
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#23 of 37 Old 05-16-2010, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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....promises to resurface in a couple of days. That was 3+ days ago.

I'm done, & I'm out. Unless he wants to step up with that business funding/personal loan I've mentioned, then -snip snip.- Done. I can't believe I had feelings for months over a guy who is married, loaded, and isn't sharing. I just don't get that. You watch the single mother who inspires feelings of love and passion in you that you've never experienced before (supposedly), and you watch her struggle in a foreign country with every disadvantage stacked against her, including over a year of unemployment and near destitution, and you sit there on your humongous fortune and never so much as offer a friendly loan or anything?

Talk about non-generous. Even if he steps up and comes through with that small amount that I mentioned (I had phrased it as a loan), I'm still pretty much over it. It's the principle. Why wouldn't he have offered? Non-generous, stingy, self-absorbed person. I have never in my life cared about someone, seen some way in which I could do for them, and not offered. I'm just that kind of friend, let alone romantic interest.

Done.

I am juggling text/phone conversations with about 5-7 other men to gauge compatibility, etc. I'm gonna keep ya'll posted.
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#24 of 37 Old 05-16-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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butterflymom: unfortunately money can ruin things, especially asking for it....this is true for friendships, relationships, etc. but you probably already know this. Yes, it it is unfortunate that he never made an offer, but atleast you have your answers and can move forward from here...there are too many things that are not working for the guy, from being married, to not offering when you are obviously struggling...but in the end, getting your finances in order by yourself will make you feel all the more empowered, and this month is all about taking our power back
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#25 of 37 Old 05-16-2010, 10:34 PM
 
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popping in to say .. Butterflymom ... )i know you from another thread ... still follow your story) .... and married men NEVER share. And I think the figure is like 97% never divorce their wives...

so you're doing the right thing by saying adios to Mr. Dutch Man!


Liz

Kids. I got two of 'em.
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#26 of 37 Old 05-17-2010, 07:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You guys are so right. Good thing I wasn't counting on him in any way, and I'm 100% working on my life myself.
But man, he has been a time suck and energy suck and

Dammit

no more free rides!!!!
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#27 of 37 Old 05-17-2010, 10:36 AM
 
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Alright, Ladies. Here's my story (if my kiddo stays occupied long enough for me to type it all.) It's a year and a half long story, so I'm going to try to condense it down to the cliffs notes version.

I met Video Guy in October of 2008. He asked me out. We went to dinner and then back to my apartment for a movie. It was at that point that I felt I should tell him I was 4 months pregnant. He then proceeded to tell me the whole story about how his girlfriend got pregnant when he was 18 and they had a daughter, but she was born really premature and ended up dying. I thought I would never see him again once I told him I was pregnant, but we ended up seeing each other for the next 3 months. Then he decided it was too weird to be dating a pregnant lady, which I totally would have understood if he ever told me. Instead he just stopped returning my calls.
More time went by. I gave birth. About a month later we started seeing each other again. He lived in the city and I'm in the burbs, so he ended up staying over a lot when he came out here to see me. Then his lease ended and he sort of just didn't bother finding a new place right away. So some how we ended up living together. I kept tell him he needed to get an apartment because I didn't want him living here. So finally he did in October of last year (his lease had ended in May.) Then in the last few months I started realizing this probably isn't going anywhere. I asked him where he thought it was going and he said "can't we just take it one day at a time?" which I'm just not okay with anymore. I have a kid to think about who likes this guy and is used to having him around and I can't let him get any more attached not know when this guy is just going to be gone. I told him that at this point in my life and in the situation I'm in, I can't be dating someone for this long if there's not even a chance I'm going to marry him. And that's kind of where we're at. He doesn't even want to stay in Illinois and I'm never leaving because this is where my family is. So there's obviously no chance of this going anywhere, and he said he understood where I was coming from, but I don't think he really does. Anyway, I broke up with him (for real this time!) last week. It's taken me a long time to do, and I'm not particularly happy about it, but I guess it was just time. I'm pretty lonely now.

I'm probably not going to be dating for a while. I just can't imagine where I would meet anyone. It's a miracle enough that I found a guy close to my age (I'm 21, he's 23) who wanted kids and was okay with dating someone who has one. I don't expect it to happen again anytime soon.

Single Mama to Vincent 3/30/09
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#28 of 37 Old 05-17-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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mamas, for those of you who do online dating, how do you describe your marital/parenting status?

previously i had "currently separated, divorce in process". well that's been true for 2 yrs and the only reason the divorce isn't final is because we can't afford the legal fees right now. is it wrong to say "divorced" at this point?

i also now share custody 50/50, should i say something about that? give my kids ages? i checked out other single mom profiles and a lot have photos of their kids. do you do that? feels funny to me, but it's also such an important part of myself. after my last experiences i wonder if i need to be much more straightforward about the reality of my situation..?

i know when i see single dad profiles it feels really weird to me if they don't mention their kids, and photos of them with their kids help me get good sense of them.

and yes, all this means i think i'm ready to be back in the game...
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#29 of 37 Old 05-17-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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Sami, it's good you broke it off... I know that feeling...it just happened to me with a wonderful guy I was dating that was suddenly feeling "unsure" if he wanted to be a dad and take the relationship to the next level...he basically wanted me to just wait around and remain exclusive while he was concurrently looking at new profiles online and thinking about what he wanted to do...i think he was basically looking for someone like me, without a kid, and he didn't want to break up because he knows I'm an amazing woman and is scared he won't be able to find someone like me again -- he won't, by the way But, I broke it off, because like you, as a single mom we need an extra dose of commitment.

First, we need to be completely self-sufficient ourselves and have our money, education, and confidence in order... second, we need a man who can step up to the plate and isn't scared of responsibility; anything less than that, won't work for me
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#30 of 37 Old 05-17-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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God, I haven't been on this thread in MONTHS! Not that I haven't thought about you guys, but life, and stuff, and...you get the picture.

I've been dating a really nice guy since December. He's really....nice. Comfortable. Stable. Reliable. I'm breaking it off with him tomorrow, and I feel really good about it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than knock-my-socks-off, and right now having a bf is at the absolute bottom on my list of priorities. The list goes: dd, self, work, friends. At times the order flips around a bit, but you all can get the idea.

What I've realized after being single as long as I have, and then being in a relationship is that I really prefer being single. I've been having this love affair with myself that I'm simply not ready to give up yet, unless something amazing plops itself right in front of my face, and it certainly hasn't.

I DO have some very interesting men in my life that could prove to be pretty solid contenders on certain levels, but it's just not that important to me right now. I've still got so much work to do, and I'm eager to get to it with as little interference as possible.

I hope that, other than the issues in your romantic lives, that you all are finding good fortune on other levels, and loving yourselves the way that you deserve. Best to all!

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
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