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Old 05-13-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I don't know if the situation is severe enough to risk losing my job on a chance of getting a PFA. It's like being between a rock and a hard place...
I dunno, this is JMO, but it seems like thyra's suggestion is a good one regarding getting a domestic violence leave. You need to take care of this stuff.

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He has already started to try to push guilt buttons with how little he is going to be left having to pay child support on three kids... and how he doesn't want to get screwed over this time like he did with his oldest DD.
Oh poor baby!! Wait, JSma....can you hear that??! It's the world SMALLEST violin and it's playing for him!!

Seriously though, if he wants to stop getting "screwed over", he needs to keep it in his pants and stop making babies. My STBX now has 4 kids from 4 different women and I assume that #5 is on the way. This is how he works.

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he said, "no, you didn't give me an option the rest of the week, so you might as well take her to daycare again. I'm actually getting stuff done around the house... Someone has to do the cleaning and laundry now that you are gone."
Blameshifting...poor baby. He's so alone in the world now that he's mistreated his wife to the point of her leaving.

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And he threw in there that someone already has asked him out for Saturday night so he wants to make sure he has time to himself to have a life.
Good, let him go out and get obsessed with someone else. The sooner the better.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My boss and HR both know everything that is going on and I sepcifically asked HR if there was any kind of leave options available to me because I was really struggling. She told me that there is only FMLA and that this did not fall under that because it's only for medical reasons.

I even tried calling the local domestic violence place to see if they knew of any leaves that helped protect people like me and the woman was really snotty in my opinion and told me no there is nothing and my job doesn't need a reason to fire me so if I want to keep my job I better kepp going to it. Real friendly

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Old 05-13-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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You have fibromyalgia, correct? And I think something else chronic? Do you have a way to get your doctor to sign off on FMLA for you for one of those, for a short time? It's kind of a work-around but it could work, depending. Or if you're allowed to have a representative file for you in court, or if you could go to a different court in the same state with different hours-- those might be other options.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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You have fibromyalgia, correct? And I think something else chronic? Do you have a way to get your doctor to sign off on FMLA for you for one of those, for a short time? It's kind of a work-around but it could work, depending. Or if you're allowed to have a representative file for you in court, or if you could go to a different court in the same state with different hours-- those might be other options.
That's a good idea. I know before my divorce my therapist offered to sign something recommending a leave of absence from my work because of the stress and the effect it was having on me.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do have an FMLA account started for the pregnancy because of all the missed work I had in the past couple months to get me on this thin ice. Between the stress of dealing with all this crap with STBX, and I've had a lot more exhaustion with this pregnancy and was getting sick pretty much every morning and still am some morning.

It's not finalized yet as I just initiated it last week after I was told about my attendance and HR told me to start an intermittent FMLA claim now.

So hopefully that all goes through because all our stuff is controlled through Metlife and they were a royal PIA to deal with last pregnancy and I had to fight hard to get more time out of work even though the whole pregnancy they were telling me that my fibromyalgia should be enough to get me more than 6 weeks out.

But my MW already told me she has no problems taking over dealing with metlife for me and has no problem telling them like it is to try to save me some stress.

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Old 05-13-2010, 05:14 PM
 
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I do have an FMLA account started for the pregnancy because of all the missed work I had in the past couple months to get me on this thin ice. Between the stress of dealing with all this crap with STBX, and I've had a lot more exhaustion with this pregnancy and was getting sick pretty much every morning and still am some morning.

It's not finalized yet as I just initiated it last week after I was told about my attendance and HR told me to start an intermittent FMLA claim now.

So hopefully that all goes through because all our stuff is controlled through Metlife and they were a royal PIA to deal with last pregnancy and I had to fight hard to get more time out of work even though the whole pregnancy they were telling me that my fibromyalgia should be enough to get me more than 6 weeks out.

But my MW already told me she has no problems taking over dealing with metlife for me and has no problem telling them like it is to try to save me some stress.
i had a coworker whose doctor ordered her to cut back her work hours (i wanna say to about 30 hours / week) due to stress during pregnancy, and fmla covered that. so fibro-stress-pregnancy is enough of a reason. i hope it gets approved quickly.
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Old 05-14-2010, 01:48 AM
 
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This website seems to indicate that there is a way to get temporary custody in Pennsylvania. If that is where you still live then I think you should switch to a lawyer who knows more about family law. If you google Pennsylvania custody order you may find more helpful information.

http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/pa/pacustody.htm
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Old 05-14-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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JSMa - I'm PM'ing you some info.

Liz

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Old 05-15-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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I'm checking in as often as I can - but I wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU for getting the FMLA started!!! That will make your life SO MUCH EASIER!!

And, get yourself to the courthouse to file for that DV thing!! You need it!

I'm cheering for you!!!
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Old 05-15-2010, 05:18 PM
 
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I second the RO, or a protection order. It's free to file and get a protection order and you need it mama.

Also, look into legal aides in your area. There has to be some low/no cost legal help that you can get. Look for a mediator even. I just went to a mediator with my EX and she wrote up temporary orders for visitation, who gets what, etc. and those court orders need to be followed.

I know it's hard. Trust me I KNOW. My ex gets verbally and emotionally abusive to me and breaks things in a rage and it's terrifying. Abuse is no joke and it always seems like there aren't resources, but there are, you just have to seek them out

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Old 05-16-2010, 01:06 AM
 
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Couldn't read & not respond...I fully empathize with your situation! My X was verbally abusive, very emotionally messed up in many ways, but physical confrontations were rare & absolutely no evidence for any of it. I moved out with my 2 kids & immedialtely applied for both a temporary Parenting Order & a Protection order. This was in November, the judge said he would not grant it without a trial...I was not given a court date until March!!! I asked my lawyer what I was supposed to do in the meantime, what the courts expected me to do, & he basically told me it was this gray free-for-all area. Whichever parent manages to snatch the kids gets them until the court date slowly rolls around! I was shocked at this. I am in NZ, but sounds like it's the same situation.

Thankfully, by December we had managed to sit down with our lawyers & write up our own legal agreement for a custody arrangement (I refused to hand the kids over to him until we did, as he often "punished" me by keeping them from me). Since then we have managed to avoid court & make decisions through mediation (which I am completely shocked by, actually).

But it's so frustrating that it's just the whim of the judge that dictates whether you get immediate legal protection, or if you have to argue for it in court, which could take months. It's just not practical.

I wish you the best of luck in sorting out your situation. I've been out for about 7 months now & though there are many struggles, life is much better. And my mostly unreasonable X has surprised me with how he's calmed down...I wish the same for you!!!

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Old 05-16-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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JSMa, I don't know you at all, but can I just say that I am so proud of you for taking this step. I know it's hard, and very scary, but when I left my abusive XH, I just had to keep telling myself that the certainty of my marriage was FAR MORE scary than the uncertainty of where I go from here. I left my ex 14 months ago. From the day I left him to the day our divorce was finalized (took 5 months), he ran the full range of threats, manipulations, emotions (whether real or not), he "found Jesus", he checked himself into a mental facility for about 3 days, he just did some really crazy things when he realized he did not have control over me anymore. One of them was to threaten to take our son and just disappear. He also told me that he was "not afraid to go to jail for something he believed in." It was a very scary time for me, and while now, finally, we both have moved on in some ways, and we are cordial now, I am STILL on high alert whenever I am around him. In the end, all of those things he did were desperate attempts to regain control, but when he realized he NEVER would, he rolled over and gave me physical custody of our son without fighting, and moved out of our home so that my son and I could move back in. I have found, through my ex and the ex of my best friend (certainly not scientific, just life experience) that a lot of these abusive men are a lot of smoke and mirrors, and once you make such drastic actions and stand up for yourself, they are much less powerful. AND NO, this does NOT apply with all abusive men, and I don't know your STBX at all, so I can't guage YOUR specific situation, and I wouldn't want you to do anything that puts yourself in danger. One thing I am absolutely adamant on now is that he is NOT allowed in my house unless I specifically tell him he may enter, and even then, not past my back entry way, and I am NEVER alone with him. EVER. Also, I do not engage in arguments, and any conflict is handled via e-mail or text message, which is annoying, but at least it's in writing, and he's not screaming in my face.

Good luck sweetie...you have made a HUGE first step and fwiw, I am proud of you.
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Old 05-17-2010, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone!

So far, it definitely seems STBX is going to take the lazy route. Just in the past week he has cancelled time offered, I think I'm up to three instances? I'm tracking it all in notes.

He seems to be pulling any manipulation trick out of his book to try to get to me. But once he realizes it's not working, he tries something else.

He is also doing the "I'm a nice guy" routine. He helped pack some things up for me to take this weekend and even helped carry them out to the car. (And yes I'm refusing to be alone with him, my sister came one day and my Mom the other)

Last night he told me he made a whole package of ribs and won't be able to eat them all, so is offering to bring some over to me.

Then he says weird things... like he told me when he told DSD's Mom about us she said to him that it's too bad that DSD would get the wrong idea, or they could room together. Which would be hysterical since they fight more than him and I even do.

So basically we are working through the important things, ie custody, cordially.

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Old 05-17-2010, 11:25 AM
 
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You go girl!!!

Others have had success with sending an email to their STBXs saying something along the lines of:

We are separated as of (date) in anticipation of dissolving our marriage. In the best interests of our DD, establishing a consistent schedule will help her through this change in her life. I propose the following:

(insert whatever time/schedule you want)

Please let me know if this schedule is consistent with your thoughts. If not, please propose an alternative schedule.

Sincerely:

JSMa

I'm struggling with writing today - if you search through the threads on establishing custody, I want to say that's where these types of letters generally show up. they also have things that I haven't considered (like cancellation/rescheduling things). Basically you want to look really good now, so that he hangs himself with his laziness that you can demonstrate when you get in front of a judge.

Rather than a list of notes, one friend used a calendar and two highlighers -mom parenting time was pink, dad time was blue. any time there was a change, they highlighted over the time that changed with yellow (turning the pink orange and the blue green). If there's a lot of green, that shows a judge VERY CLEARLY that dad changes his parenting time A LOT. THEN you can read the explanation (dad didn't show, dad cancelled, dad had to work, whatever).

Add me to the list of people who are so proud of you. You are an amazing momma!
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Old 05-17-2010, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I love both of those ideas, momof4peppers!

I'm really working with custody with him right now, because I'm fairly certain it will have to change in a month when he moves out of the house.

We had a meeting to discuss it and his point was very valid that it would be difficult to set a permanent schedule up right now since if he has to move to a different town (likely) then he may not be able to take DD in the mornings anymore... same thing goes with, he figures he will have to get a second job that will eliminate mornings and some weekend time.

So, right now, I'm just documenting that I am indeed offering time to him now that he has it. And waiting for him to get his act together and figure out what he is doing at the end of June. That is what my parents gave him to get out of the house that we were renting from them.

But I did tell him and he agreed that we will write up our own custody guidelines and sign it... at least it will be something on hand until we can get it legalized. But this won't happen until he knows where he will be living and what his second job hours will be.

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Old 05-17-2010, 12:57 PM
 
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How about saying that visitation will be "as agreed upon between the parties"? As long it's also documented that you have custody, then hopefully that would leave visitation to your discretion when he starts acting unstable (as he inevitably will) and you don't want to send your children to someone that's punching walls or not feeding them properly (as he's done in the past). Of course, check with a lawyer first, but it's an idea. I'm glad he's flaking out on visits instead of harrassing you.
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