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#1 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And the fighting begins...

STBX just texted me threatening that if I don't have DD home by the weekend he is calling the cops because it's illegal for me to just take my DD because I'm pissed at him.

Unfortunately, I asked the lawyer last night about this... and he said technically right now we both have equal rights to take her.

I have not restricted access to her and did allow him to come see her last night... he is the one who has not asked for more time with her... just sent a text threatening me to come home with her by the weekend.

ADVICE PLEASE?!

Edited to vent!
*cries* He just texted me again saying he took the rest of the week off from work and is going to take DD. (legally right now I can't stop him from doing so. )

Which has me pissed off too!! I'm sitting here dealing with him abusing me and having to soldier through work and he is the ass causing me all this stress and heartbreak and he gets to take off of work to laze around?! Because he refused to take any days off for his sick child etc... so I have taken too many days off so far this year!!!

GRRR!!! I really really really really dislike him.

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#2 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:45 PM
 
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I'm sorry.

My advice is to file for something as soon as you can-- separation or divorce. You need to have an interim schedule for visitation while you are hashing out the rest.
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#3 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I asked the lawyer about it and he said there is no temporary custody thing... that they expect parents to work it out somehow. That the soonest a custody order can get into court right now is July!!

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#4 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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He is trying to intimidate you. Start the proceedings now! You didn't take her b/c you are pissed, YOU LEFT HIM! Offer him opportunities to see her. Can you call his boss to confirm if he took the time off or not? He could be bluffing.

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#5 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:49 PM
 
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what about with a restraining order? yousaid he was being abusive. is it enough to file for a RO? they do temporary custody and visitation....

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#6 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He is turning things into a he said she said...

I don't know how he knows about me calling the cops on him, unless my sister opened her big mouth to his brother.

But he just texted me saying that he never threatened me. (um okay how else do you take someone yelling at you and throwing things while saying "you have no idea how far you are pushing me, if you were a guy it wouldn't even be a question I'd have hit you by now.")

I told him it came across as threatening to me. And now he is saying I can't be trusted and he is going to sue for paternity of this baby. And make his own report saying I threatened him by raising a fist to him? (which I seriously don't remember ever doing?!)

I have a year's worth of notes of things he has done...

I feel sick.

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#7 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 02:53 PM
 
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Can you leave your parents and go a shelter? I know this was an option you were looking at before, is it still available? This might be a safer route for you given his background, would you and DD be able to be "protected" there until you can get your RO in order?

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#8 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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I still think you need to file ASAP. Don't engage with him. Restrict communication to e-mail as much as possible so you have a record. And don't respond to anything that isn't specifically about care of your kid.
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#9 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 03:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't file. I have no money. I need a retainer fee and my Dad just told me him and Mom talked and they don't have it to give to me.

So I'm screwed.

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#10 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 03:43 PM
 
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ok but back to the abuse...was he or is he abusive, whether verbally, emotionally or physically? You say you have records of this...

I'd call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for advice.
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7
http://www.ndvh.org/

It can't hurt to talk to someone on the phone and get their advice. Perhaps a shelter is the best thing right now for you and your DD.

Now, if he does "come and take your DD", then I would strongly suggest that you go with her. As I recall, she's quite young, right? Just as *right now* you can't take her away from him, or at the very least restrict access to her, he also cannot prevent you from seeing her. When my separation was very fresh, my STBX made the exact same threats yours is making. He'd call the cops! Of course, he never did, because I made myself and DD available to him. I took DD over to his place during dinner time. She played a bit, but mostly clung to me and eventually got fussy and wanted to nurse. A few visits later, he was rather uninterested in the cops. A few weeks after that, he dropped weekday visits altogether.

So, all that to say that this isn't the end of it all. He's quacking loudly because he feels he's got no control over the situation. I hope you can see that.

Also, I'd consider asking the people at NDVH for a referral to a new lawyer, perhaps one who would be willing to take your case pro-bono, considering your financial situation and the abuse...
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#11 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So that was the weirdest turn in conversations....

Now he is saying he has decided to let me go because he realizes he can't have the relationship he wants with me me because all the passion is gone.

And that he hopes I continue my counseling because I have a lot of issues to work on.

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#12 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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um, yah, well, expect him to turn around in a day or so and keep threatening you, or acting irrationally. Call me paranoid, but having lived with an abusive alcoholic and drug user, I tend to think the worst of men in situations where they lose their power.
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#13 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:01 PM
 
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He's just flailing about, trying to find an approach that will get you to react the way he wants. As best you can, stay calm and consistent and don't let yourself get rattled. It's very unlikely that he'll sustain his drive for custody, especially if it doesn't quickly get the results he's looking for (i.e., you caving in and moving back).

And you might want to post this in Parents as Partners for the privacy.

Good luck and hang in there
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#14 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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Wow, I didn't realize you had left him. What I did, that worked for me, with no money, was I went to the clerk of court in our parish (county) and filed for a restraining order and listed all of the abuse, my ex hitting a wall, anything remotely physical. They set a date to go in front of a judge, who then gave me the 18month restraining order and FULL temporary custody of ds for the duration of the order. Actually, it said visitation to be worked out amongst parties, but with me having full custody, it was basically my call. It took maybe a month to go through everything.
He is defintiely threatening you, and I would call him on his bluff, b/c it sounds to me like he's just playing games and is not really all that interested in his daughter as he is in hurting you.
Oh, everything I mentioned was free.
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#15 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:11 PM
 
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Wanted to say that you can contact legal aid, which is a low income service to help with legal costs. Google them, I believe it's nationwide.
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#16 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
So that was the weirdest turn in conversations....

Now he is saying he has decided to let me go because he realizes he can't have the relationship he wants with me me because all the passion is gone.

And that he hopes I continue my counseling because I have a lot of issues to work on.
stay strong mama! You are an amazing person, and you know his moves. s!

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#17 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:25 PM
 
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I have known this organization to be helpful and effective. I know someone who got free legal aid and counselling services through them - real help, not just "here, call these numbers..." There are branches outside of the Philly area (meaning they service a wide area in the state)

http://www.helpwomen.org/wp/

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#18 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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Hopefully he is just blowing smoke. And like every episode of Lost, nothing will actually materialize. You say hes lazy about DSD, chances are, he will be about your children too.
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#19 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 05:49 PM
 
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I got help from the local legal school. I had a law student and her supervising lawyer to work with and it only cost me copies and mileage.

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#20 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 06:52 PM
 
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Throwing things at you is grounds for an RO. Seriously. Was your DD present? If so, its grounds for her to be LISTED - and then he can't see her either. You may have to defend to the DEATH, but it will be ok.

File. Do it yourself. Family court in most places can help you file your own paperwork. Then take it to the atty, and explain what you did and why.

These are the steps I took. It worked.
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#21 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 07:22 PM
 
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In my state they have an order for custody that is called a "status quo" order. It's like temporary custody, it just states that until the custody has been sorted out through the courts and divorce, that custody will remain as is, or "status quo". Ask about it.

And I'm glad he backed off. He's flailing about as someone else said, and he's still pulling your strings trying to put you into panic mode. Can you get him to send an agreement to you in email right now, something informal that would outline the current expectations for visitations, etc? Even though it's not considered a fully legal document, some courts are starting to accept it as at least meaningful, and it is documentation.

And if you are alone with him from this point on, I'd try to keep your phone on your body... if he's flailing about like this, you probably won't be as able to predict his moods and behavior anymore because he sounds like he is in a desperate place.
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#22 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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Be prepared for anything. He's been controlling you, manipulating you and abusing you for years. He's not liking the fact that you're doing things on your own now. He's feeling like he's losing control, doesn't like it and that can cause irrational behavior.

Use some of these resources provided here, file as quickly as you, get something in place to keep you, your little one and the one on the way safe.

Also...does he know where you are? If he knows you're at your parents and he wants to see his dd, he can come get her...right? You may have left, but if he really, really, really wants to spend time with his child, he would make every effort to make that happen. I wouldn't necessary tell him that...but if he knows where you are and how to reach you, then it is not your responsibility to take your child to him and you are not keeping her from him.

If you're hiding and he doesn't know...that's a different thing, but if that's the case, a shelter would be the best place for you to go.
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#23 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kiernan View Post
He's just flailing about, trying to find an approach that will get you to react the way he wants. As best you can, stay calm and consistent and don't let yourself get rattled. It's very unlikely that he'll sustain his drive for custody, especially if it doesn't quickly get the results he's looking for (i.e., you caving in and moving back).
I think this is exactly right. Now that you've left (hold on, I just have to say this about that: ) he's going to keep on acting the same way that he was when you were with him. He's going to run through all the tricks in the book, act one way then another then another, try a threat, try to bargain, try an accusation, blah blah blah. Don't believe a word he says, stay calm, stay consistent. Take the high road, but protect yourself and your baby.
That's so weird that your lawyer said they didn't do temporary custody orders. I thought that was the typical first step in a divorce.
Anyway, I don't think that you'll be able to get supervised visitation, and it probably would be a good idea to offer him access to your DD -- I think he's way too lazy to try running off with her. But you will be free of this horrible relationship, and that is cause for celebration.

Quote:
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Call me paranoid, but having lived with an abusive alcoholic and drug user, I tend to think the worst of men in situations where they lose their power.
You and me both, sister.

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#24 of 46 Old 05-12-2010, 11:26 PM
 
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Good for you JSMa!!! Don't let his foolishness scare you, he does not hold any power over you!

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#25 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 04:54 AM
 
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The domestic violence restraining order system in virtually every jurisdiction is set up to make it easy for victims of abuse to request a restraining order without a lawyer.

Jsma, sounds like you can't retain a lawyer right now -- OK. Doing a divorce yourself is a much bigger undertaking than doing a restraining order yourself.

Part of the restraining order process, as several PPs have said, is to address immediate child custody issues. If your X abuses drugs or alcohol &/or has been violent with you, and you include those allegations in your filing for the restraining order, the court may require no visitation until the return date on the restraining order (when the court will determine whether to make a temporary order permanent), or may require supervised visitation only.

I am not familiar with your facts, as several PPs seem to be, but if indeed there has been abuse, especially if there are alcohol or drug issues, the restraining order is absolutely what you need to pursue ASAP. Just go down to the courthouse & find out what you need to do.

Admittedly with no factual background on your situation, it sounds as though your X is trying different strategies to manipulate you. He knows you will want to follow your DD, which is probably why custody of her was his first strategy. You need to get custody resolved right away or it will continue to be something he can hold over your head on a moment's notice. You'll be afraid to leave your DD anywhere, etc. Plus, if he wants to see his daughter, it will work best in a situation where that happens predictably and routinely, according to a well-defined plan, and not on his whim and under circumstances that are likely to be very stressful for your DD.

Best of luck.

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#26 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 08:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Update:

The PFA (Protection From Abuse) is what we have here, and yes it could include temporary custody. However, it is totally the judges call to grant one or not. The lawyer and the local domestic violence center said it could really go either way because he has never physically hit me, and there are no drugs or alcohol involved. Everyone said that it's easier to get things done if he would be abusing any substances... and he's not... so...

The other issue is I can only file for a PFA M-F 8:30 am - 1:30 pm... I work during that time and when I called off Monday because I was a royal mess from leaving on Sunday I was told again about my attendance and that I really need to make every attempt to be here right now.

I don't know if the situation is severe enough to risk losing my job on a chance of getting a PFA. It's like being between a rock and a hard place...

Anyway, STBX seems to be falling back into his normal routine of things... he came over last night to my parents house to discuss things. We didn't get too much accomplished because he is saying a lot depends on where he finds a place to live, and then he is going to have to get a second job, so he may be working too much to take the kids anyway.

He has already started to try to push guilt buttons with how little he is going to be left having to pay child support on three kids... and how he doesn't want to get screwed over this time like he did with his oldest DD.

He said that he is going to take both me and his ex to domestics... so I'm not sure if that is going to be better for me or not. I do know my lawyer even raised an eyebrow at how much support he was paying for DSD. So maybe that will get modified so there is more of an even distribution.

But yeah.. after all that and the threatening before... when I asked him if he wanted to have DD today he said, "no, you didn't give me an option the rest of the week, so you might as well take her to daycare again. I'm actually getting stuff done around the house... Someone has to do the cleaning and laundry now that you are gone."

My Mom couldn't beleive he said that was like, DOCUMENT that he chose to clean the house over caring for DD.

And he threw in there that someone already has asked him out for Saturday night so he wants to make sure he has time to himself to have a life.

He is such a UAV. But at least it's getting funnier now.

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#27 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 08:34 AM
 
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But yeah.. after all that and the threatening before... when I asked him if he wanted to have DD today he said, "no, you didn't give me an option the rest of the week, so you might as well take her to daycare again. I'm actually getting stuff done around the house... Someone has to do the cleaning and laundry now that you are gone."

My Mom couldn't beleive he said that was like, DOCUMENT that he chose to clean the house over caring for DD.

And he threw in there that someone already has asked him out for Saturday night so he wants to make sure he has time to himself to have a life.

He is such a UAV. But at least it's getting funnier now.
He readily admits that you were the only one doing it all before? What a tool box!

Hang on to the second bolded. Everytime he starts with his threats, rememeber that he would actually rather "have a life" then take care of two babies. So hes really just flailing and blowing smoke. Stay consistent. He will hang himself eventually.
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#28 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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Honey, how big is your company? You need to file for a Domestic Violence leave. My understanding is that they are REQUIRED to give it to you if they fit the statutory requirements, and they are REQUIRED to have your job available to you when you can come back.

Or, check into FMLA - again, if your company fits the statutory requirements they are REQUIRED by federal law to give it to you.

And, your lawyer is required to tell you that a judge may not give it to you. Throwing things is PHYSICAL VIOLENCE!!!!!! You need one. Get one. The judge will give it to you.
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#29 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 10:44 AM
 
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And he threw in there that someone already has asked him out for Saturday night so he wants to make sure he has time to himself to have a life.

He is such a UAV. But at least it's getting funnier now.
OMG!

As I was reading your posts I was thinking to myself how long will it be before he starts looking?

I watched several relationships with similar dynamics, including my own parents, and the bully/abuser didn't waste too much time trying to fill the job openning created when the abusee left.

I don't know if it is insecurity, ego, fear of being alone or something else that drives it but I have seen it enough times to think there must be a pattern.

In PA, Domestic Relations has set guidelines about how much of a person's pay goes to child support so if DSD is getting a high amount, yes, it is likely it will be adjusted so support is evenly distributed amongst the children.

The support order on my desk right now reads, in part, The Federal limit (for child support) is 50% of disposable income if the obligor is supporting another family and 60% of the disposable income if the obligor is not supporting another family.

Disposable income is the net income left after making mandatory deductions such as State, Federal, local taxes, Social Security taxes, statutory pension contributions, and Medicare taxes.

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#30 of 46 Old 05-13-2010, 11:16 AM
 
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OMG - Caneel said it better! s and from all that flailing and smoke!

Like everyone else has said - document, document, document!

As for your work - have you told them what is going on with your home life? If you haven't I think its time to let them know what you are trying to do and see what HR can do to work with you regarding leaves, time off, etc.

If your boss is already suggesting you need to be there, they are documenting your absences, so you need to fully inform them of what you are trying to deal with. If your boss is unsympathic, work directly with HR and see if they can bring your boss around to flexibility.

treehugger.gifAnd you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.treehugger.gif

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