Looking for experienced voices about custody - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 05-13-2010, 04:45 AM - Thread Starter
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My not so dh has had a tendency to follow me on here, so I'm posting under a different username for now. I'm in a really bad spot with my marriage failing, due to infidelity and blatant dishonesty (to the point of illegality) on the part of my nsdh.

I am feeling really anxious about where this all might be headed, and especially anxious about custody issues. We currently live on the west coast, but my family is in the midwest and if I were to have to fall back on resources/support, the midwest (and near/with my family) is where I would want to be. I do not trust nsdh or his family (history of alcohol and sexual abuse, among other things), and I don't feel that I can trust that my 3 y.o. ds would be safe with them for any length of time.

Does anyone have any experience with leaving a partner and the state with a child? Does that even happen? Are there instances of one partner being granted primary custody, short of incarceration of the other partner? If I have to, I will do what I need to to stick it out here and protect my child, but if things are really coming to an end, I would like to be moving forward for the sake of all of us.

Thank you very much, if you have any time or insight to share.

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#2 of 6 Old 05-13-2010, 08:35 AM
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Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I don't know how much of my situation applies to yours... I was granted sole custody and left not only the state, but the country, with my child. It wasn't that I didn't trust my ex, though - he's a great dad - but that my life was leading me here. But it really comes down to how big of a custody battle you'll be facing. My ex was very cooperative. Do you think that your nsdh won't be?
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#3 of 6 Old 05-13-2010, 09:53 AM
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I really think you need to consult a lawyer in your state because things are so different in different states. But to the best of my knowledge when someone files for divorce then that sets the jurisdiction where ever you are. I believe in some states even if you have primary custody you still have to get the other parent's permission to move out of state, or get a judge to agree to let you move. Is there any chance you and your LO can move to the Midwest and then file for divorce?
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#4 of 6 Old 05-13-2010, 11:28 AM
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Could you talk him into a trial separation where you went to be near your family? Then you could wait until residency is established and file. I would be careful of having any documentation that says you are planning on coming back.
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#5 of 6 Old 05-14-2010, 07:54 AM
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One thing that you may want to keep in mind before moving to a different state (and there is no guarantee that you will be able to take your child with you) is that his father, if you are allowed to move with the child, will get extended time with the child. Probably most of the summer and most school breaks. During that time, he can leave his child with whomever he wishes. And if you do get a restraining order against any family member of his that is a convicted child predator (the court isn't going to just take your word for it), well, how are you going to know if it is being violated or not? If the child is there for the entire summer (which is entirely possible with a long-distance parenting plan), ignoring the restraining order and your kid being abused could be going on for the entire time he is there. And you aren't going to know.

You really do need to consult with an attorney.
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#6 of 6 Old 05-16-2010, 03:12 PM
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I live in Minnesota. When I got divorced I really wanted to move back to Virginia, because that is home to me. However, my ex has joint legal custody and visitation (I have physical custody). I would require his permission and possibly a court order to be permitted to leave the state of Minnesota. EXCEPT...ex is considering a move with his girlfriend this summer which could take him up to about 300 miles away, into western North Dakota. If he does that, HE is the one making the visitation order unduly burdensome, and I could petition the Court at that time for permission to move away, since ex moved first, and we have to go to a distance-model visitation agreement anyway. It varies widely from state to state though, so I would find an attorney, or even a paralegal in your state to give you specific information. Good luck!
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