I feel like the most horrible person. In a effort to be honest and forthcoming, I told H last night (again) that I did not have the energy (emotionally, physically, mentally) to work on our marriage anymore. (We've been separated for 6 weeks, but he constantly asks me to "try" one more time, and I've truly been trying to convince myself that it is the best thing to do.)
I told him I wanted to either move forward with a divorce, or to put everything on hold for 4-6 months...we wouldn't divorce, but we wouldn't actively work on our relationship either. Basically, it would give me some much-needed space, even though I feel like it would be prolonging the inevitable.
Anyway, for some reason, it really seemed to sink in this time that I was serious, and he broke down in tears, and it just ripped my heart out to see him that way. He said he just can't believe that I don't think our marriage, that he
, and our family, isn't worth saving. Logically, I know that statement is false because I know very well the effort I've put into our relationship. You would have had to actively strap on blinders and stick your fingers in your ears (and I think he did) to NOT notice the months I spent in counseling, the many times I tried to talk to him about various issues, and the fact that I left
for a week last fall over the very same issues should have been a huge wake-up call.
Still, though...this is the man I married, had a child with, and have a lot of love (maybe tenderness or affection would be better terms?) left for. I would do anything to not hurt him, but in this situation, how do you avoid it? Someone's going to get hurt. It was so hard to stop myself from hugging him and telling him it's going to be okay, that he will get through this, and then give him a detailed list with suggestions on how to accomplish that.
I feel like a cold-hearted b*tch, and am so, so guilt-ridden, but the best way I've found so far to protect myself
is to 1) be very honest with H about my feelings (which I admit should have happened more often in our marriage) and 2) distance myself, emotionally, as best as I can.
Do you think there is there anything specific I can do to make things easier for him? I don't want to be a doormat, of course, but ideally, we could remain friendly (yeah, I know that could take awhile). How do you stand firm on the things you need, and yet remain considerate of what your spouse/former spouse is going through? I know I'm light years ahead of him in this process.
Bleh...I'm not sure what I'm looking for here...hugs, or BTDT stories, or what. All the lingering doubts are creeping back in, and I'm just lonely and scared and very sad. TIA if you've read all of this.