So the kids are overnight at Dad's...... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 05-15-2010, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*sigh*

I'm sitting here alone in my house for the first time in TWELVE YEARS.
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#2 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 12:03 AM
 
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It's so hard to say goodbye to your babies for a weekend! But, it will get easier! Find ways to keep yourself busy, and the weekends will fly by.

You'll be ok, and so will your kids!

ETA - give the "new normal" time to sink in. It IS easier with just one adult (at least in my one adult, one baby family!), and you'll all adjust really well!!
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#3 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm missing the kids, yes, but it's bigger than that. I'm missing the rest of what's not here anymore. The family, phony and contrived as it was, because that reality took me years to build and I razed it to the ground in just a few months time.
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#4 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 12:17 AM
 
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I know you miss everything else! If you can, surround yourself with friends and family right now. Spoil yourself a bit!! Light some candles, take a nice, hot, long bubble bath with low lights. Read your favorite book. Sleep in. Be lazy, active, whatever YOU want.

It's ok to grieve the loss of what you had, even if it wasn't really there to begin with. You'll be ok!
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#5 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 07:56 AM
 
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I know exactly what you are talking about. It gets better, with time. I felt that way, so often, during my first year of being separated. I haven't felt that way in a long time now though.

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom, though. Be gentle with yourself, and your feelings. Let yourself feel them, there's no other way to get through them.

Big hugs. It will get better, it really will.
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#6 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 08:10 AM
 
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I know exactly what you are talking about. It gets better, with time. I felt that way, so often, during my first year of being separated. I haven't felt that way in a long time now though.

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom, though. Be gentle with yourself, and your feelings. Let yourself feel them, there's no other way to get through them.

Big hugs. It will get better, it really will.
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#7 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 05:51 PM
 
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It's really hard. For the first while I used to cry as soon as the boys had gone down the driveway. I would sit there bawling.

For the first while I would keep busy. Arrange to see friends, if I could afford it I would get a pedicure or something, or give myself one.

Now though, just 8 months later, I look forward to the weekends so much! It is hard doing it by yourself, and the weekends have become my sanity time where I can read, surf the net, SLEEP! DH and I are in the process of getting back together, and sometimes I wonder how I'm going to cut it when I don't have those weekends off anymore! I know there will be someone else there with me but all those hours of peace and silence will no longer be there.

Big hugs to you. It sucks right now, but it will get better and you will adjust. Do what you need to do. Mourn the loss of the family and life that you wanted but rememeber to try and see the good things too. That helped me in the beginning. Everyday I would write down a list of all the things that had been good about that day and it really helped to keep me positive.

It's complicated.
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#8 of 15 Old 05-16-2010, 11:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bdavis337 View Post
The family, phony and contrived as it was, because that reality took me years to build and I razed it to the ground in just a few months time.
Big huge hugs to you. First and foremost. My heart hurts for you.

Now, go back and read what you wrote, paying close attention to the bolded. I could have written this myself. Phony and contrived simply is NOT reality. It's just... not. No matter how hard we try to make it so, it simply isn't.

You now have an opportunity. One that will likely take you some time to adjust to, mostly because ALL major life changes take some time to adjust to. But your opportunity is to build a life that is AUTHENTIC. REAL. GOOD. RIGHT.

In your darkest moments, never, ever forget what you left behind. Something fake and contrived. So you can now build something good. Yes, it will be different. That's GOOD. Yes, it will be hard. But won't it be worth it?

Drink your cheap wine. Cry if you need to. You've lost something, and even if it's an overall good thing you've made the choices you've made, it's still difficult to let go. To embrace something new and different, especially when new and different doesn't come with any guarantees.

Hang in there.
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#9 of 15 Old 05-17-2010, 12:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wifeandmom View Post
Big huge hugs to you. First and foremost. My heart hurts for you.

Now, go back and read what you wrote, paying close attention to the bolded. I could have written this myself. Phony and contrived simply is NOT reality. It's just... not. No matter how hard we try to make it so, it simply isn't.

You now have an opportunity. One that will likely take you some time to adjust to, mostly because ALL major life changes take some time to adjust to. But your opportunity is to build a life that is AUTHENTIC. REAL. GOOD. RIGHT.

In your darkest moments, never, ever forget what you left behind. Something fake and contrived. So you can now build something good. Yes, it will be different. That's GOOD. Yes, it will be hard. But won't it be worth it?

Drink your cheap wine. Cry if you need to. You've lost something, and even if it's an overall good thing you've made the choices you've made, it's still difficult to let go. To embrace something new and different, especially when new and different doesn't come with any guarantees.

Hang in there.
THANK YOU what a perfect response for me. Really hit it right on the head.
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#10 of 15 Old 05-17-2010, 02:24 AM
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I'm, new here, but am in the same boat. I had a spouse who I also loved for almost 12 years. I would have done ANYTHING to make it work, but he never would or could give himself to me. Always trying to control me, never any foreplay for lovemaking, just dropped trow and said "lets do it" Always tried to pick apart every thing I suggested, nothing was ever good enough. He made some terrible mistakes , so my family and friends told me" he's not good for you". So, I bit the bullet and made him leave.
Now, every time I try to be nice, he attacks me verbally. He never physically cheated on me or hit me, or even forced me to do anything I didn't want to, but never made me feel truly loved.Every answer was spoken with a condescending tone, like I was stupid. I was always reaching out, but any small touch was rejected(he pulled away). Now that we are separated, I still care for him, even now need him(physically and emotionally) but cannot show any weakness, for it will be used against me.
How can I go on, since he was my life for so long?
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#11 of 15 Old 05-17-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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s

I'm going through the same thing right now. Friday night STBX had DD overnight... my first night away from her since she has been born. Luckily my Mom spoiled me with some ice cream and had me watch comedies, and it helped a lot.

I then slept until 8 am for the first time since DD was born! And because I was able to get some extra sleep, I was able to get a lot of chores done and was still able to run around the yard and play with DD when I picked her up later Saturday morning.

So somehow... a positive has come out of this. I know you will find your positive place with this too.


As for the mourning part, even though it was a phony family... I can so relate to that and am going through that as well. I found myself wanting to cry several times this weekend just because it was a big family event weekend, and it was just so weird that STBX wasn't there with us. But I kept reminding myself that reality was never the happy family... but I think I can still mourn the dream.

Anyway, if you ever want to chat... feel free to send a PM... looks like we are in the same place at the same time. We can help each other get through the rough first part of this.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

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#12 of 15 Old 05-19-2010, 09:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#13 of 15 Old 05-19-2010, 09:38 AM
 
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<hugs>

Just like in death, there is a grieving process you must go through right now. It is a big change. Take it one moment at a time and do what makes you happy when your children are gone so that you can recharge.

I joined a divorce support group and found some awesome people. We go out and do activities together when the kiddos are gone. I'm active in my church. I love to go to the bookstore and sit with a few good books and a coffee. Breathe. Enjoy. Relax. Things will seem normal soon enough.

Lilly, mum to one handsome boyand to one of God's angels in heaven
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#14 of 15 Old 05-19-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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Thinking of you...how are you doing?
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#15 of 15 Old 05-19-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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OP, the feelings you are experiencing are exactly what has held me back for years now...trying to avoid feeling those feelings of 'ripping my family apart'
he's an amazing dad and when hes with the kids and doing things with them I feel like i could be in love, but him and i, together, as a couple, it's not there, never was..

I love the "idea" of us being a family, but the reality of living loveless is so so hard

no advice, just wanted to say I (kinda) understand

Helping women overcome postpartum depression and birth trauma. http://www.postmommyhood.com

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