I've been there, carriemama, as you know!
I have had, now, I think two really intense periods of grief (not including all the initial things I felt in the very beginning) where I felt so guilty and regretful and doubtful of my decision. I was still so in love with (and am!) with DP so it had nothing to do with that, it was just the sudden feelings of, as muse said, it all feeling like such a terrible waste.
I also have days that are worse than others but generally I feel really confident with my decision--totally assured that I did the right thing and that I am on a path in my life that is so much richer, freer, better than where I was before.
Two things that bring me some comfort and peace:
I, personally, even in my darkest moments of guilt, grief and regret, have never wanted to back with my ex so much as I've wondered if, had I just tried a little harder, not made the mistakes I made, COULD I have wanted to to want to be with him? Which isn't the same thing as wanting to be with him. I take comfort in the fact that even in those moments in which I feel tenderest towards my ex, I never think that I'd still like to be married to him when it comes right down to it.
None of us in this life can always know what the outcomes of our decisions will be. When I told ex that I wasn't going to stay with him anymore and that I wanted a divorce, I was terrified, terrified of making the wrong decision. In fact, in all the time leading up to the divorce I felt paralyzed by my fear of doing the wrong thing, of doing something that I'd regret.
But I realized that I couldn't live that way, and I tried really super hard to make the decision that felt right in my heart. I knew I couldn't know for sure the future, but that if I made the decision that felt the most right to me, that that would be the decision I could live with no matter how hard it proved to be.
So that's what I've done. I made this decision, and I made it without knowing, intimately, the pain it would bring but I made it in good faith and so I take the down sides of that decision (the grief and sadness and everything else) along with the good ones.
And that's another thing: I try really hard to celebrate the good things my decision brought me: not dealing all the time with the worries that come with living with an alcoholic; feeling confident that I'm showing my dd what a strong, independent woman looks like; being madly in love with a wonderful man; having a new baby with a man that really wants to be an active and involved father; feeling excited about life and wanting to try knew things and knowing that I am strong enough to do whatever I want--man or no man!
So so so many hugs to you, as ever!!
Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :