Anyone twice divorced? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 06-01-2010, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sometimes I feel like a total loser. I'll be 31 or 32 and twice divorced. Other times I think, gee, I made some really bad choices when choosing a spouse but I'm glad I didn't make the mistake of staying with either of them.

I swear up and down I'll never so much as date again, but I don't know how realistic that is.

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#2 of 23 Old 06-01-2010, 08:30 PM
 
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I would totally pick twice divorced over once miserably married for a long, long time.
But seriously, yeah, it's worth sitting down and taking a long hard look at yourself and figuring out why you were attracted to the wrong people or what caused the relationship to fail. After a string of bad relationships, I took about six months off from dating to really take stock in myself and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I feel like I've come a long way.

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#3 of 23 Old 06-01-2010, 08:37 PM
 
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I'm in the process of divorcing the same guy that I was married to and divorced once already. So yeah, pretty embarrassing. I'm getting myself some serious therapy so I can stop making the same mistakes over and over.

Don't point in beating yourself up over it though. What's done is done. Live and learn and all that...

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#4 of 23 Old 06-01-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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Maybe you should look at it this way: You're getting your second divorce and AREN'T a senior citizen! When you find the RIGHT man, you'll still be young enough to have a family with him, if you want to. You have plenty of time to learn, improve and start over!

Plenty of people - myself included - were not fully clear who they were, what they wanted, etc. until their early to mid-30's. If you have some unhealthy patterns, in terms of what kind of men you choose or how you interact once you're committed, there is every hope in the world that you can improve and make a better match in your 30's than you did in your 20's!

As a former twenty-something-single-mom, here's my advice: DON'T date, until:
* You get to a point where you're satisfied with your life on your own and you truly feel that if you never find another man, you will be OK. (Then if Mr. Right just happens along, you'll know you're not with him because you're needy or lonely.)
* You get completely over feeling angry toward your ex and are able to say out loud what went wrong - and take at least partial ownership of the poor decision/poor behavior/whatever. I.e., don't date while your explanation for your last break-up is still simply, "It turned out he was a real jerk." Maybe he is! But it's bigger than that. Either you missed that he was a jerk, or you liked a jerk, at first. Take some time to understand that. (Then you stand a better chance of not repeating mistakes.)

Those two tips worked well for me - and no one gave me that advice, at the time. I met the love of my life 6 or so years after my ex and I broke up. Now we're married and have a baby - and I'm glad I waited for him, instead of spending those years riding some exhausting emotional roller-coaster searching for the next guy.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#5 of 23 Old 06-02-2010, 10:15 AM
 
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i will be, at 30.

jeannine, i love your perspective on it! and yeah, i've been working hard in therapy, as to why i've chosen these relationships, so that i won't repeat my mistakes.
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#6 of 23 Old 06-02-2010, 11:11 AM
 
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I started a post like this recently, but never finished it. This is really hard for me to admit - but, yes, I am twice divorced. For those of you have seen my recent posts, you know I am struggling in my third (so hard to say) marriage and considering leaving.

It does seem a stigma. I don't come across like "loser" or "unloveable" or any other thing people might think,

I have made peace with my tendencies towards very bad choices and rushing into things. Two of my marriages have begun less than six months after meeting the man.

After my second divorce, I was convinced to never make the same mistake again. But I did so BIG TIME. I should have been in therapy at the time. I had lots of emotional things going on - I knew it -marrying -was a bad thing. It was almost like I was punishing myself.

So, anyway, it is a hard thing. I think I would be ok if my current husband (father of my only children) were not such a mess. But we are, so yes, I think what will another divorce say about me? Just recently, my father basically told me I don't have what it takes to be married. He is totally against any thoughts of my husband and I separating - children involved, etc.- does not know the details of the problems. But, it was one of the more painful things anyone has ever said to me. He has always been supportive - now I know there will be distance between us.

For the record, all three of my Hs have been diagnosed in counseling with personality disorders and some form of serious depression. Some more major than others. So, I am not saying I do not contribute. But these are not your typical "nice, normal" men I have chosen.

I wish you the best. Being "real" with onesself is so important. I get lost easily in a relationship and lose my usual objectivity. You can be ok.

For me, if this marriage does end, I will try to move somewhere where all those around me don't know my life history. Like I said, I am close to being at peace with all my bad choices - although once in a while, I have to give in to having a pity party for myself. Such regret. I don't need reminders from all around me-

You are not a loser. You have obviously thought deeply about all this and are not making decisions lightly. Thank you for posting-
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#7 of 23 Old 06-03-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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I am soon to be twice divorced as well.... wth a five month old baby. I am actually really thankful to know there are other women in the same boat as myself! It's pretty scary right now- I really want more kids, and a loving partner with whom to share that joy, but I am terrified to trust another man... both of my marriages have involved seemingly normal, kind men turning out to be very dishonest people who don't really love me.

For the moment I am still married to my son's father, but only on paper, as he chose to move out of state shortly after the birth. So I am in limbo.... not quite able to date, but certainly not in a relationship either.

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#8 of 23 Old 06-03-2010, 11:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Relieved I'm not alone! I do find it more painful the second time around but I didn't have children with the first. They are, in many ways similar men and there are many similarities in the way they treated me. Absolutley I should take some ownership in that; I'm in therapy to figure out what that ownership should be.

I think I put some if the stigma on myself because some of my peers have not married once. My first x and I lived out of state and the marriage was very short so most of my new friends don't even know about it.

Anyway, hugs and healing to you all.

 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
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#9 of 23 Old 06-04-2010, 08:55 AM
 
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I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.

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#10 of 23 Old 06-04-2010, 06:27 PM
 
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I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.

It makes me so glad to hear you say that like you mean it. After all those months and years struggling and trying to "fix" the relationship, I'm so glad that you're free -- free in that you've left him, but also free in your own mind.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#11 of 23 Old 06-04-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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::raising hand to join this club::

I love all the perspectives in this thread!

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#12 of 23 Old 08-07-2012, 09:57 AM
 
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UPDATE: I'm back on the boards after a few years away, saw this and smiled...

 

My second divorce was finalized. I waited until a year and some change after ex left town to so much as date. but I have been in a happy, health relationship for a little over a year! He adores DS, and is wonderful - day after day, and doesn't seem to be changing. Both previous hubs seemed great at first, and then masks came off. BF and I have been living together for about 6 months, and still he is the "him" I have always thought he was, so my fears of a three-peat are diminishing :P

 

Hope you have all been well over the last two years -

Valarie

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#13 of 23 Old 08-07-2012, 01:12 PM
 
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I have to second what Phoenix-mama said.  I take responsibility for marrying my X, but not his abusive behavior.  I take responsibilty for not humiliating myself and asking for help to get out sooner.  But when you're dealing with a sociopath, it's hard to tell which way is up and the continuous gaslighting makes you not trust your ability.  

 

Aside, it is weird how when MamaJen quoted Phoenix-mama, her old user name was in the quote.

 

I am only once divorced, but as I go out into the dating world, dating a twice-divorced man doesn't phase me, if he can explain it.  To some extent marrying more than once makes one an eternal optimist, or conservative in social morals (not wanting to 'just' live together) or needing security.  My X did not show any asshatitude when we were dating.  He drank a little bit too much, and hadn't properly fixed his teeth.  These were the only red flags.  And then he became very abusive later.  So I do not judge others by their multiple exes.

 

However, when I think about long term with someone who had multiple marriages, I get fearful. I would want to talk to the exes and get their version of the story, or verify from counselors, or something.  But then, I have major trust issues due to what has happened to me.

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#14 of 23 Old 08-07-2012, 02:53 PM
 
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However, when I think about long term with someone who had multiple marriages, I get fearful. I would want to talk to the exes and get their version of the story, or verify from counselors, or something.  But then, I have major trust issues due to what has happened to me.


This is key for me. Wish I had done this. I married a guy that was married and divorced twice before he was 24. Yeah, he seemed normal. First gal was 2m pg with another guys kid when they got married and 2nd marriage was right after the death of his mom.

All issues I thought 2yrs of dating would work out. Didn't see the underlining insecurity that ruined our marriage as well.

Several yrs after we were married, talked to wife2. said to me to "run".

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#15 of 23 Old 08-07-2012, 03:07 PM
 
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I've been divorced twice.   The first time we were married the week we graduated from college.   Last less than two years.  We were too young, poor communication, etc.  

 

The second lasted over 9 years.   

 

I have 3 kids with 2 different dads and feel like on paper I look like a trainwreck.  I do wonder about men judging me for this if I were to try dating.  But then I remind myself that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that would judge me for my past anyway.

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#16 of 23 Old 08-07-2012, 09:40 PM
 
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I have 3 kids with 2 different dads and feel like on paper I look like a trainwreck.  I do wonder about men judging me for this if I were to try dating.  But then I remind myself that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that would judge me for my past anyway.

 

I worried about this a lot - I mean, when I started dating Mr. Right a year ago, I was still technically married to my 2nd husband! I told him my marriage history the first time we ever talked. I didn't want any secrets, and if he was weirded out, I wanted it over with ASAP! He understood, once I told him how it all happened... and we've been happy since :)


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#17 of 23 Old 08-09-2012, 07:31 PM
 
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I know in my marriage it was my husband who wore the asshat. Often that's the case in many relationships.  I haven't dated that much, but the last guy I dated definitely had a terrible first wife.  He tried forever to make it work, and I believe him, in part, because he didn't try to hard to convince me, and was often embarassed of how long he stayed when horror stories came out.

 

As for 3 kids with different dads, I don't think it's fair to blame us for our fertility, or our optimism.  But people will.  I know that men will look at me like I'm hot, but then not want to date a single mom. 
 

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#18 of 23 Old 08-12-2012, 06:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I worried about this a lot - I mean, when I started dating Mr. Right a year ago, I was still technically married to my 2nd husband! I told him my marriage history the first time we ever talked. I didn't want any secrets, and if he was weirded out, I wanted it over with ASAP! He understood, once I told him how it all happened... and we've been happy since :)


Glad things are looking up for you!

 

I took a long hiatus from dating and am back in with a really wonderful guy. I also shared a lot of my history early on.


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#19 of 23 Old 08-13-2012, 07:13 AM
 
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I have to totally agree about judging someone's past.  There is a difference of having some blemishes on one's past by making mistakes, such as two divorces, but the key thing is seeing how a person acts today, do their actions match their words?  We all make mistakes and grow.  But there is a big difference from someone making a mistake vs someone being an abuser... So this is a hard thing for me, because there are some pasts that need to be taken into consideration... like whomever dates my ex, I think how are they not taking into consideration that he has been married twice, each wife left him with YOUNG children (under the age of three and in my case I was pregnant with our second when I left).  That has to scream something... and the fact that he cancels his visitation left and right on whims and if he's in a bad mood.  But, I guess that goes back to the point of also judging PRESENT actions.  He is still presently an asshat. 

 

I guess the best thing is to ALWAYS follow your gut.  Never ignore the gut feelings you have up front about someone. 

 

As for my own shoddy past... I know my present actions speak greatly for who I am today.  I don't let my past define me.  It has made me who I am, and brought me to where I am today, but it is not all of who I am.
 


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#20 of 23 Old 08-20-2012, 08:32 AM
 
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I guess the best thing is to ALWAYS follow your gut.  Never ignore the gut feelings you have up front about someone. 

 

As for my own shoddy past... I know my present actions speak greatly for who I am today.  I don't let my past define me.  It has made me who I am, and brought me to where I am today, but it is not all of who I am.
 

TRUTH! 


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#21 of 23 Old 08-22-2012, 06:17 AM
 
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I'm going through my second divorce...

And I have to disagree with taking responsibility for it to an extent. I agree it's good to own and see the bad choices of getting involved with someone who likely exhibited some kind of flags... but I don't want any woman to feel they have to take responsibility for being abused. There is no shame in leaving a man who abused you and it is not your fault that he treated you that way. You did not make him treat you that way.

And quite honestly, not all abusers exhibit bad behavior right from the start... how else do you think they hook you in?

Sorry this just hit me wrong because STBX yells at me at least once a week about owning up to my part in what made this marriage fail. Sorry, I did not cause him to abuse me so no, I will not own up to that. And I worked my butt off trying to live by his rules etc... what he sees I did wrong was at the end when I started to be a person instead of an insect under his thumb.

I will own that I have had a history of choosing abusers, and I know why that is, and I most certainly have my eyes more open now and will continue to stay in counseling... that is as far as my owning to anything goes... but I will not ever own being part of breaking up my marriage... ex chose that with how he chose to treat us.


You can "own up to it" without that having anything to do with him. Do that in your own time with your own people. I do think that it's an important step. Better if it's not in a self-loathing, self-critical way. A calm acknowledgement of reality is probably best.

My ex gave me that line too.

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#22 of 23 Old 08-22-2012, 06:37 AM
 
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Maybe you should look at it this way: You're getting your second divorce and AREN'T a senior citizen! When you find the RIGHT man, you'll still be young enough to have a family with him, if you want to. You have plenty of time to learn, improve and start over!

Plenty of people - myself included - were not fully clear who they were, what they wanted, etc. until their early to mid-30's. If you have some unhealthy patterns, in terms of what kind of men you choose or how you interact once you're committed, there is every hope in the world that you can improve and make a better match in your 30's than you did in your 20's!
And hopefully 40s shy.gif My late 30s have been a phase of spectacular growth beyond what I ever thought would happen.

As a former twenty-something-single-mom, here's my advice: DON'T date, until:
* You get to a point where you're satisfied with your life on your own and you truly feel that if you never find another man, you will be OK. (Then if Mr. Right just happens along, you'll know you're not with him because you're needy or lonely.)
Yes. I completely agree. Especially if you are one to try to mold your life to fit someone else's. Make your life what you want it, then find someone who fits it.
What makes this piece "work" I think is probably looking beyond the "couple" mythos for getting our needs for human contact: basic needs, emotional needs, all that. Fill those needs through a greater community. I am not good at this myself; it is a struggle.

* You get completely over feeling angry toward your ex and are able to say out loud what went wrong - and take at least partial ownership of the poor decision/poor behavior/whatever. I.e., don't date while your explanation for your last break-up is still simply, "It turned out he was a real jerk." Maybe he is! But it's bigger than that. Either you missed that he was a jerk, or you liked a jerk, at first. Take some time to understand that. (Then you stand a better chance of not repeating mistakes.)
I agree with this too. Each of us has some responsibility to ourselves and to what happens to us. We are not responsible for what other will do and say to us, but we are responsible for coming back for more and for how we take that input as part of our experience.
Again, when I say "responsible," I don't mean that we should be hard on ourselves and critical. (In fact, I think that's counterproductive.) I mean having a somewhat detached awareness of where we had choices and how our choices affected us.

Those two tips worked well for me - and no one gave me that advice, at the time. I met the love of my life 6 or so years after my ex and I broke up. Now we're married and have a baby - and I'm glad I waited for him, instead of spending those years riding some exhausting emotional roller-coaster searching for the next guy.
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#23 of 23 Old 08-24-2012, 06:48 AM
 
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yea i have been twice divorced,  I am a single mom  32 with kids.  The first one I thought I was marrying the right man, he was sweet loving caring. But had a dark side. He was really abusive to me and controlling. I  could not speak with out him giving me permission. anyay we  finally divorced. Next time I was introduced to someone by  friend, trying to help me, well it didnt work. later we divorced too. so i am by my self now. it really sucks, sometimes i think what did i do to deserve this, and my kids suffer because they dont have a dad either


hijab.gif  Super Muslimah  Mom to   Two amazing boys fencing.gif Cj(born March 1997) Adam ( born April 2005)  and Princess Aliyyah my little  high strung  over active girl   . hippie.gif March 2007 .
Hippie Mom 32 is offline  
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