Hi strong single mamas,
I am so happy that this forum is here on mothering. I have been reading your posts and feeling that there is actually some hope for me. I thought I would put some of what I am struggling with out there as well.
My husband and I have been seperated since February, when I found out he was having an online emotional affair. At first I was devastated and in shock. But once I came to terms with the seperation, I started to realize that this relationship has been a huge emotional drain on me for so many years. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. He is not an emotionally stable person at all. He has been very depressed and his way of dealing with it was to become addicted to online gaming. I put a lot of energy into taking care of him as well as my daughter who is on the autism spectrum. My husband is on the spectrum too, actually.
So, anyway, since the seperation I have been working on setting limits with him and boundaries, etc. He tells me that he doesn't have contact with this online girl anymore (I don't know if I believe him) and that he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he wants to reconcile, maybe not, he doesn't know. HOnestly, I feel like I have a responsibility not to slam the door in his face if we could reconcile, but I don't really want to be his caretaker anymore either. I have told him very clearly that before we can reconcile we would have to commit to counceling as a couple and he also would need to address his depression and addiction. I don't see him doing any of those things.
Tonight we had a really honest conversation. I laid it out for him (again). These are my deal-breakers and if he doesn't want to do those things, that is ok. I am going to be fine on my own and I really am dealing with this ok. Then he tells me that he has been leaning towards just moving on and not reconciling, but he is afraid i will become vindictive if he does. Kinda made me mad because through this whole seperation he keeps being paranoid that I am going to try to keep our daughter from him or try to ruin his life and I have not done anything like that at all. I don't know why he would think that. So I told him not to worry about that, I really am ok. If he just wants to move on we can do that and still be co-parents and on good terms. Seems like I am being reasonable. And he responds by going into a depression and leaving my apartment saying his life is worthless and there is no point and all his usual self-pity. I don't know what that means. I'm tired of trying to figure him out.
Ugh. I think I am less conflicted that I thought. Just mostly sad because I have realized that I can't make him into someone he is not and I'm just gonna have to let that go.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.