Cheating husband... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 08:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Long story short... DH was supposed to be going to visit friends this weekend. Because of problems we've been having, I didn't believe him and logged into his e-mail to see if he was going to meet this girl. He's spent lots of time exchanging sexy e-mails with her and talking hours on the phone with her. I confronted him on the phone and he admitted that they fooled around, but says they didn't have sex. I honestly don't believe him. I'm staying here until he comes home, and then I'm going to decide if I'm going to go stay with a friend, or go home to my family in Mississippi.

I'm a mess. I'm holding it together for the kids, but I just want to go curl up into a ball and let go. Does anyone who has gone through this have any advice? I'm a SAHM. I have no money of my own, though I have access to our joint accounts. Not that there's a lot in there for either of us. I've got 5 hours or so until I'm going to give him absolute hell. Of course he's sobbing on the phone about how sorry he is. .

Welcoming our twins :: born February 21, 2009 at 33 weeks! :
C-section due to pre-eclampsia and HELLP:
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#2 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 09:22 PM
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Sorry, mama. Wish I had words of advice.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#3 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 10:25 PM
 
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Oh mama, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

though I haven't dealt with exactly this situation (my XH was abusive and addicted before he was a cheat), I'd say that you need to give yourself some time and space to figure out what's next for you. Being a SAHM isn't mutually exclusive to being a single mama. Other mamas here do it. As for having no money of your own, if you do decide to separate and later on to divorce, I think you could ask for some alimony. Also, perhaps you'll want to get a part-time job...

But again, you need some time right now. Everything is just too fresh to make a decision right away. Can you stay with your family with your children for a few weeks? Having a period of no contact with your H might bring some new ideas....

*hugs*
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#4 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 10:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. Honestly, this is a last straw in a relationship that's been having problems for a while. I'm going to go home for a couple of weeks and try to decide what I want... Or if I even want to try to fix it.

Welcoming our twins :: born February 21, 2009 at 33 weeks! :
C-section due to pre-eclampsia and HELLP:
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#5 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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Hugs to you!

My ex cheated and after starting divorce proceedings I was entitled to alimony as well as child support. So, you don't have to ask for anything, you are entitled to child support definitely, and I'm not clear on alimony laws outside of the East coast.

It's tough to deal with and it's difficult to trust again. For me, I couldn't trust my ex and left once I found out. I've been remarried now for six years and have two more children.

You will find strength you never even knew you had. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish you peace and happiness ahead, regardless of your decision.

Michelle
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#6 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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((skybluepink02))

Unfathomable. Let family be your solace and your source of strength.

Dad to toddler, dad-to-be to another.

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#7 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 12:19 AM
 
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While I am sure you need empathy, and I hope you get all you need, I would also wonder if a little practical advice first.

Is there any way you could get some cash out of you joint account NOW? Not a clean-it-out thing... but a I-need-a-few-bucks-to-fill-the-tank-and-stay-in-a-hotel thing if it comes to that (I hope it does not)

gotta go.. kids to bed

GOOD LUCK
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#8 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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When my husband told me he had been sleeping with another woman (after 5 yeaers of swearing it was just an emetional affair....even if that had been true...why? why would I stay? good grief) and I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom. I had been working for about a year and socking away money. I spent four months getting my ducks in a row. I got his credit report, opened my own bank account and drained our joint one, consulted with an attourney. Called my previous employer. It wasn't much. I got in very part time at starbucks. no tips. but child support and alimoney started right away. And you do not need to ask or beg for anything. you are entitled to child support and probably alimoney. do not hesitate to demand it. Also print off everything you found. you may decide to stay with the marriage but you will never regret having this stuff if you decide you need it. you can always throw it away.

And we are ok. It helps that xh got all the debt in the divorce except the mortgage which I took since I took the house and everything in it . And I have a full time job now. We are comfortable and things are starting to balance out a bit. I am not sorry to be out of that train wreck of a relationship. I am healing. its good.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#9 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 09:49 AM
 
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When you feel ready, I would recommend going to consult a lawyer for one of those initial free consultations. As always, go in prepared with a point form list of questions you need answered. Don't use the lawyer as a therapist; he doesn't care about feelings, just the law and well, money. I consulted three different lawyers, hired one, fired her when I was dissatisfied, and then settled on the one who finalized my custody and divorce for me. It really helped to know where I stood legally and it made me realize that I *wasn't* trapped in my marriage, despite all the debt I'd incurred.
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#10 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 08:07 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. I went through this in March (well, still dealing with the reality of it). I will just say that he will probably lie and lie and lie so just be careful. I would have sworn on my children's heads that my husband wasn't the kind to cheat on me. I still can't really believe it. He left his email open and I was so shocked. Then he denied it over the phone and denied it in person. He KNEW I had printed out his emails and still looked right in my eyes and denied it all. I had to actually read his words aloud before he'd admit it.

All that to say....do what you have to do to get to the bottom of it. You deserve the truth. If he won't tell you contact the girl, his friends, whoever. If he's been fooling around on you you need to know just for your own health. You may need to get STD testing done.

Check in and let us know how you are doing. I had a hard time eating for a week or so. I lived mostly on milkshakes and soup. I know this is a terrible time. Stay tough, you will get through it.
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