questions about dating again.... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-06-2010, 01:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know there are a million dating threads but I have more specific questions. Please share your stories. When you start dating again after being married for 10 years... and you're almost 40... do you get butterflies anymore? Does hot and bothered happen, like when you were 20?

It's been more than a year since any man besides someone in my family has even given me a hug. I am just becoming aware again of how much I miss male contact. But I'm so out of practice. I feel like a teenager. (That's not a positive).
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Old 07-06-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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I'm in a similar place age wise, and being solitary... I find I get fierce crushes all the time which are very distracting. It is fun but also annoying. It happens less when I focus on my self and things I love to do and making my own life rich myself.

But yeah, I hear you. I'm there too.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 07-06-2010, 12:45 PM
 
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Well, I'm not 40, I'm 32. I was married 5 years to my XH.

I started seeing someone a few months ago, and even though I knew him from before, there were some definite butterflies, lots of long/silly emails, giddiness, and most definitely hot and bothered when the time came. I just tried to enjoy the ride, remember what my priorities/boundaries were, and generally had fun. I also tried to trust my instinct this time around, and not get "swept up" by the romance.

The experience made me realize that there was never anything like this when I met my husband. I was simply obsessed with him, but never in awe/in love with him. It has proven to be very enlightening.
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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I started dating again at 35. Yes, butterflies. More selective butterflies, and butterflies that were more about my experience, desire, pleasure than when I was in my early 20s and worried more about him liking me. But butterflies :-)
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Old 07-06-2010, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yes momtwice... the crushes... ARGH.

And the scoping out men again. Other men have been so off my radar in the "predatory sense" for so long that I feel like a pervert now. I'm noticing them ALL it seems. And I'm hoping they can't sense that. And I'm hoping that I don't seem desperate... because I'm not.

On the one hand it is fun. On the other hand it feels reckless. One of the things I LIKED about being married was having that taken off my plate. Wasn't an option, didn't have to worry about it, never crossed my mind. Gave me more mental space for other things.

Crazy place to find myself in. Never thought I'd be here.
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Old 07-06-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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It was very gradual for me too. I didn't think about it for a good year after separating (though I was pregnant and taking care of an infant by myself!). I agree... the butterflies are more selective at this point in my life. And when they do come... the insecurity much greater.

It has been a significant learning/growing experience to start dating again at this age and after so much time. It has helped me recognize and process things about my marriage and my divorce on a level I couldn't access until romantic feelings started coming up for me again. This has been rewarding at times and terrifying at times. It has made me need to back away from dating for a bit, and then be ready to go back. I have moved more slowly than I ever did with relationships in the past, and I think it has been very good for me.

The "hot and bothered" was slower for me than it used to be... but now it is much much more than it ever was! I feel more sexual than I ever did in the past! I've become more in touch with what I need for that lasting sexual attraction...

I think there is a certain realism you have approaching dating that for most of us wasn't there before being hurt, disillusioned or having our life dreams pulled out from under us. But it is not necessarily a bad thing.

And dating as a mom is SO much different than dating before having kids.

But it really is good. I waited until I started to crave that male attention, as you are. And it was good for me. I started with online, because it felt much less scary! It was really exciting for a while to check people out safely from my computer at home as my babe was asleep in his bed! And fun to wait for emails, etc.

Anyone I met, I told them pretty much right away that I hadn't done this in a very very long time. It made me feel a little more comfortable to have them know that!

Good luck to you! And enjoy the ride.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:55 AM
 
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butterflies....totally. And my ex was the only guy I ever dated, ever kissed etc...so that first kiss (a small peck from a friend, and sadly the only kiss I have received in the last 2 years) totally floored me. haha I am so lame but man it was the best kiss ever and I still get butterflies thinking about it.

Now I find myself staring at mens hands and lips. but I am far more insecure than I ever was a teenager. I was pretty hot then....

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Old 07-08-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robinchap1 View Post
I think there is a certain realism you have approaching dating that for most of us wasn't there before being hurt, disillusioned or having our life dreams pulled out from under us. But it is not necessarily a bad thing.

And dating as a mom is SO much different than dating before having kids.
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Old 07-08-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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Oh, I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in suddenly being xtremely HOT for so many guys I see ...it's ridiculous, I really do feel like a teenager again, after having been in a largely sex-less and unhappy relationship for 3 1/2 years, and before that, in an even more sex-deprived relationship for 4 years. It's a bit scary sometimes, I find myself really checking men out at the bus stop and feeling a bit out of line

The weird thing is, I'd decided to wait a year before seriously dating again after my relationship ended, to make sure I didn't do the rebound thing again. So now it's nearly a year and I've just met someone with whom things seem very promising...but part of me is so scared of possible commitment and just wants to play the field for a while. This despite the fact I don't do well in short term flings and really am a 'long relationship girl'. Very strange.
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